TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks
All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.
Jared is still probably a little OOC. Sorry if this chapter isn't very good!
And I want to say that the internalized homophobia is not me being homophobic. I'm writing a boy x boy fic, so I am not homophobic whatsoever. I just wanted to clear this up in case anyone was wondering.
Don't be afraid to comment or vote!
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Evan waited by the speed limit sign, his phone blowing up with notifications. He had long shut off the ringer tone, but the screen continuously lit up with Connor's pleas. His heart continued to flutter, the events replaying over and over in his head.
"You don't have to do dinner with my shitty family after that. Maybe your place?"
"I-I don't know."
"Come on, Ev!" Evan flinched, leaving Connor's arms as his voice raised. "What the hell!"
"I-I'm so sorry."
"Shit. Shit shit shit. Ev. I didn't mean-"
Evan shook his head, resisting the urge the break his phone. The wait for Jared seemed to take forever, even though it was only ten minutes. He climbed into his 'family' friend's car, the world tunneling into darkness.
"Alright Hansen, spill." Jared sighed, driving away from the sign. Evan tried to talk, but all that came out was mumbled words. "Okay, um, let's talk later then. I'm driving you to your mom."
"N-no!" Evan sputtered, clutching his arms to his chest. He gasped for air, but his lungs didn't seem to fill. Deep down he longed to be back in Connor's arms, but knew he blew it. He knew he destroyed whatever they could have had.
But Connor apologized, he didn't mean to yell. You could apologize too.
Isn't this is irreversible?
"Dude you're having a fucking panic attack, I'm taking you to your mom. You're a momma's boy." Jared said, keeping his eyes on the road. As much as he didn't admit it, whenever he saw Evan upset, he got upset himself. He cared for the other boy more than a family friend, but as a friend.
"P-please just t-take me h-home. S-stay if you don't tr-trust me alone." Evan managed to reason, his hands shaking so much he couldn't check his messages. His curiosity was getting the best of him.
"You bet I'm staying, jackass." Jared remarked, gripping his hands tighter around the wheel. "Sorry. But I usually insult."
Evan's face fell, fumbling with his phone before it fell at his feet. "S-shit." He muttered, trying to pick it up again.
"Evan, stop. Just sit up and breathe you-" He paused, taking his time. "Just breathe. We're almost to your house. Seriously though, start talking. I know you can."
"You'll tease m-me. A-and you'll be a d-dick to Connor." Evan stuttered, forgetting everything he had already told Jared.
"I know you like Connor, I know Connor likes you. I'm just a dick to everyone, but did you ever think it's because I hate myself too? Do you ever think underneath my shit I actually gave a shit about you? Huh?!" Jared exclaimed, Evan's anxiety escalating as his voice raised. He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.
"For the love of god, Hansen, just let someone care okay?"
They pulled up to Evan's house, both stumbling from the car. He tossed Jared the keys, unable to fit them into the lock with his trembling hands.
"I-I'm so sorry." Evan whispered, not letting the tears spill from his eyes.
"Just shut up and get in the house." Jared sighed, walking in before Evan. He tossed the keys onto the table, watching the anxiety stricken boy walk into the house, his phone turned on.
{Texting Connor Murphey}
Connor
Evan, I'm sorry
Connor
Shit Ev, I still have anger issues, I try hard not to lash out but sometimes it happens over random things.
Connor
I almost never apologize, but you actually mean something to me
Connor
You're the only friend I have.
Connor
Please reply
Connor
Ev, again I'm sorry
Connor
I can't excuse everything on my anger issues but I hadn't broken yet today until then.
Connor
I'm really trying, but I'm broken Evan. Remember, we are alike in many ways. I know how you feel.
Connor
I'm really not mad at you. I swear.
Connor
I don't have a reason to be mad.
Connor
I'll be over later if you don't reply. Not to yell, just to make sure you're okay. I don't even know if you're going home....
Connor
Ev, please reply.
Connor
Okay, I'll stop spamming. I care about you Ev, please, don't do anything stupid. I'll be over at 7:00 PM. Don't do anything dumb.
Evan stared at his phone, the tears now spilling over his cheeks. Jared stood to the side, unsure of what to really say.
"Is it Connor?"
Yes
"N-no..."
Jared raised an eyebrow.
"Y-yeah."
"Can I see? I mean, I may tease you, but I don't care if you're gay as fuck. Your mom won't either." Jared inquired, reaching his hand out. Before he could think, Evan had already handed his phone over. Tonight, was one of the few nights his mom would be home early, early being 8:00.
"P-please don't be m-mean to h-him." Evan whispered, collapsing onto his couch, clutching a pillow to his chest. "And I'm not g-gay."
Yes you are you sick freak.
"Okay, so you're bi. Or pan. Or whatever. You can have feelings for Murphey. I still don't like the guy, but I can respect him for you. You two are cute though, Ev." Jared shrugged, handing his phone back. "Mind if I stay till 7? I'll leave then, but he seems to know more than I do about you."
"S-sure."
BREAKBREAKBREAK
The doorbell rang at 7:00 sharp, Evan jerking awake from a nightmarish sleep. Jared got up, jogging to the door apparently too slow, as Connor had begun to rap on the door. Muffled conversations made their way into the living room.
"He's asleep, Murphey."
"Is he okay"
"Yes-"
"Can I see him?"
"I said he's sleeping."
"I'm not angry at him. Look Jared I know I'm fucked up-"
"You threw a printer at a teacher."
"In second grade. I'm never that violent anymore. Yes I push people and yes I yell, but shit Kleinman I'm trying."
"Are you really?"
"It's a fucking slow process."
"I know, but-"
"I started therapy last week. Shit I can't believe I just admitted that."
He's trying? He wants to get better?
"Um, good for you I guess."
"I've never had a reason to get better before, but now I do and he's sleeping in the other room. I won't wake him, just let me there. Please?"
For me?
"Did I hear you correctly?"
Jared stop talking.
"What?"
"Did the Connor Murphey just say please?"
"Fuck off, Kleinman."
Evan sat up on the couch, pulling himself to his feet. He shuffled his feet into the entry room, both teens already occupying the room turning to face him.
"T-thanks Jared. Y-you can g-go." Evan stuttered, toying with his thumb on his broken hand again. Without a word, Jared walked out the front door, closing it behind him. He knew better than to try and talk with Evan, it would only cause more panic.
"Look Ev, I-"
"Let m-me talk, please. That was rude to interrupt you and I didn't mean to insult you. I'm sorry for everything, especially for r-running. I g-got scared... when you raised your voice. You pushed m-me the day we first m-met and I-I thought you were going to do that again."
"I wouldn't do that again, ever. Did you hear anything with Jared?"
"I heard everything with J-Jared."
"Then you know I'm trying. It's not going to be fixed overnight." Connor reasoned, seeing the sadness sink deep into Evan's eyes.
"Believe me, I know. L-look, I don't wanna f-fight. I got scared, I'm weak. I can't realize my f-feelings for you-"
That's because you shouldn't feel them, freak.
"And that's okay. I'm sorry I'm so forward, I guess I have a lot to learn." Connor nervously laughed, gently placing a hand onto his friend's shoulder.
"H-hug it out? O-only if you want, I-I don't want to make things weird." Evan said, stopping as he was enveloped into a hug. Both teens wrapped their arms around each other, careful of the couple week old injures.
"Are we doing the friend thing too fast do you think?" Connor asked, pulling away.
"M-maybe a bit. But neither of us had friends before, so I guess as l-long as we aren't mean to each other or too attached.."
"Then it's okay. Healthy relationship and we're good. You can't be scared of me though, I won't ever intentionally hurt you."
"I know, I know. Still friends?" Evan asked, desperately wanting this conversation to be over. The last few hours had been a nervous hell for both of them.
"Still friends."
Evan, stop, it's like you're five. Just go back to sleep so you're no longer an inconveience.
Nodding, Evan walked back into his house, wincing slightly as Connor closed the door. He was just alone now, as it should be.