unprepared
She was kind of a mess. On the inside. On the outside, she was pretty sure she had everyone fooled.
Except for Kellum, who has come to check up on her twice. Damn this bond they share.
And of course, the other person she could never fool is Julian. He wasn't her best friend for nothing. But unlike Kell, Julian knew better than to ask her what was wrong. She wasn't ready for that.
She was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.
She chased Kellum off to his meeting and made everyone else play Monopoly. Longest game in the history of the world, so that would give her plenty of time to put off the break down she was thinking about having. No time to think. Fret. Freak. Implode.
She lost. She always did. Mel happily went to get ready for bed while Jess did the dishes. Aunt Sarah went to start a new book, so Julian was left to watch her. Waiting for the melt down.
He didn't know about where she'd been all day and she wasn't ready to get into it yet.
"Shit is messed up. I feel like screaming."
"Then scream."
"And freak out Mel and Aunt Sarah? No. Then he'll come back. I hate it. How he knows everything I'm feeling. Am I never to have anything to myself? Is this my new life? No moment to myself? Even now, Dez is listening and recording everything we say. Don't even get me started on the four ass grabbers. Thinking they are so high and mighty."
"I'm going to get our shoes. We'll walk around till we find a place where you can scream."
Good idea. She needed to scream and stomp. To hit something. God, how she wanted to hit something.
What she wanted was to go back to that first day she saw him in the school hallway. Right there, in that moment, in that place. That's the moment when things started going south.
If only she knew then, what she knew now.
When she turned to put the plate away it slipped from her fingers. Because she was no longer standing in the kitchen. She was standing in the school. Everything dark and eerie.
"What the fuck?"
She looked around expecting Kell. She'd felt the pull inside of her that she usually felt when he was depositing her around. The feeling like falling and being weightless for just a second but even as she looked around, she knew Kell wasn't here. She didn't feel him.
Why would he send her here? She'd been doing the dishes thinking about being here and... she thought about being back in her kitchen and was.
"What the fuck?"
"Human Jessalynn, are you in need?"
"I'm doing the fucking dishes. You must be fucking kidding me. And I swear if I see his ass right now, I'm going to lose it."
Leaving the kitchen, she ran up the stairs, caught Julian on the way, and dragged him with her. Once in her room, she put her finger to her lips. Praying like hell it didn't work, she pictured herself standing in The Stage. Last minute she remembered a video camera was there now, so she thought about the bus ramp.
It was the only fucking place she could think of without eyes.
Julian's eyes widen as he took in their surroundings.
"What the fuck?" He mouthed.
Tell her about it.
"How is that even possible?"
"Hell, If I know." She growled. "God, I want to hit something. This is just fucking great. Just one more damn way I belong to him."
Jess gave herself a full minute to vent. She kicked, she screamed, then realizing that wasn't going to make her feel better, she took them back to her room.
The last thing she needed was anyone to know about this. How was this possible? She wasn't a royal. In all the history classes she's had to endear she hasn't once heard of a mate taking on another's gift.
Not that they were mated.
Fuck, who was she kidding?
Julian grabbed a notebook but all he seemed capable of saying is what the fuck over and over.
"No wonder you've been upset."
"That happened about five minutes ago. This is my life now. We should have run. Maybe it's not too late."
"What happened today?"
She paced the room not even sure she could put everything into words. "I like him."
Julian waited for her to say more.
"I really like him. Really, really, really like him."
The fool's lips twitched. "Yeah, I know. What happen?"
"He likes me. A lot, I think."
"Really, really, really, likes you?"
She jumped across the room so she could punch him in the arm as hard as she could. "This is serious."
He lost his smile. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, babe. I know this is serious, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing."
"Are you sure? I feel like this is a bad thing. We are too different. He's... he's all good. And soft spoken. Well, most of the time. He's responsible. He's an alien king for god's sakes. He likes to follow the rules, I would rather not. When he says he wants to go slow he means no sex and plan the wedding. When I say I want to go slow I mean, let's have sex and hide our feelings for eternity. You know how I feel about all that queen nonsense. I'd rather be beheaded than deal with all that crap. I thought I knew how much I would hate keeping secrets from you and it's even worse than I thought it would be."
"Come sit by me."
"I can't. He hates that. No, I could handle that. It's worse than that, he gets this sad little hurt feeling in the pit of his stomach like he's just lost the only thing he likes in the whole world. He tries so hard for it not to bother him, but it does. Why couldn't he fall for Hayden?"
"Because she's not you. She's got nothing on you, babe."
"She's prettier and smarter. Always looks classy. She's freaking beautiful. Ninety-nine out of a hundred would pick her."
"Ninety-eight maybe. And all of those are fools."
"Don't even. You even like her. Think I haven't noticed that? I may be losing my mind, but I can still keep track of who my best friend is crushing on."
He smiled. "Only a little."
"Good, because she belongs with him. She has to."
"Why?"
"Because I can't. Do you know how stupid it would be for me to fall for him?"
When he could leave?
Not just walk out the door. Leave the planet.
Her chest started hurting just at the thought, and she was afraid she was going to have a full fledge panic attack. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Julian being Julian, she didn't have to say anything. He knew her. Knew her fears.
He got up and took her into his arms. His arms were warm and familiar, but they couldn't protect her from how it would feel to lose someone else she loved.
Why had she fallen for the big alien dope? He'd get on his spaceship and be out of her life before she could blink.
Goner than gone.
At least her dad had left things behind to remind her that he'd been here. A hat he'd left on the coat rack. His pocket watch lost in the couch. Pictures to show he existed. A home and family he no longer wanted.
Kellum would leave nothing.
No trace that he'd been here.
"He's not going anywhere. He barely even looks at Hayden. Hell, he never notices anyone around him but you. Dude doesn't want classy, he wants durable. Reliable. Loyal. You, Jess. You give all you have to the people you love. How could he not want you? How could you not want him? You wanted someone with staying power, and you've found him. The fact that he's crazy about you is all you need to know. The rest doesn't even matter."
The sad truth is that she knew all that to be true.
There you had it. The real heart of the problem. The big jerk had made her trust him. He wouldn't leave her. Not without a whole damn army dragging him away.
The tears and sobs came as much a shock to her as Julian, catching them unprepared.
This was her having the break down that was years in the making.
Her words were a jumble mess that made no sense, and all Julian knew to do is hold her tighter. "It's okay, Jess. Ah, baby don't cry. You're killing me. Tell me what you need and it's yours."
"Kellum." She whispered and instantly felt his presence and his arms going around her.
His arms were enough to send another wave of emotions crashing upon her.
Had she really been complaining about him always knowing when she needed him? Complaining because she could feel how he felt at seeing her tears? Each sob that tore through her, tore through him.
She didn't want to be a pathetic, whiney twit that didn't recognize a good thing when she had it.
What in the hell did she ever do to deserve him?
"Julian, tell me what to do." He pleaded, his voice small and full of heartbreak.
"I think you're doing it." She felt Julian's lips pressed to her temple. "You're doing just fine."
"But it's not working."
"It's working. I'll leave you two alone."
Long after the sobs went away and the tears eased off, she laid in his arms. His voice had been soothing her for a while now, but she'd only just began to make out what he was saying.
"It is true. My people do not court. Or date. They get their numbers and spend their allotted hour together each day until they are mated. You know what they consider kissing. Which is doubtful they even do before the mating. So, you can see why I might not be any good at this. My parents were mated for nearly thirty years and I think the most time they ever spent together was that hour. Then he died. He had been sick for days. If she was sick, she was not showing any of the signs yet. When he died, she laid down beside him. She never touched him, but she looked at him like she planned on taking every detail with her. A few hours later she was gone as well."
"Do you think they loved each other?"
His arms tighten around her. She felt his relief. His love for her.
"I think they must have. I did not understand that until now. My people do not tell each other how they feel. They do not sit and hold each other but I think the feelings are there. It is like a piece of you living inside of me. You are with me everywhere I go. Like an extra heartbeat. An extra thought. It is so engrained, so much a part of me, that if anything ever happened to you, I could not go on. My mother and father must have felt the same. They just did not know how to show it. Or did not believe they needed to. Maybe knowing it was there was enough for them."
"You are good at it, Kellum. Way better than I am. I grew up seeing my mom and dad's love every day. It was like this light that shined on all of us. A warm, beautiful light that was supposed to shine forever. One day dad was singing and dancing mom about the living room, making us all giggle at all the kissing going on, then the next day he was gone. An agent saw him perform and promised to make dad a star. He could have taken us with him. Could have promised to come back but he didn't. He didn't even give himself a day to think about it. Came home, packed a bag, and told mom that he was always meant to be a star. Told her that if he didn't take this opportunity and run with it, give it all he had, then he would regret it for the rest of his life. He told her he loved her and that it was going to kill him to leave her behind, but it was something he had to do. Mom smiled sadly and told him he should go then. He cried but not once did he look at Danny and Mel. Mel was too young to remember but Danny was holding onto his legs, begging him not to go."
Jess looked at Kell. "Know what he said to me while mom did everything she could to calm down my brother? He told me that out of everyone I should be able to understand. He said people like me and him were never meant to be tied down. Then that was it. After that I never had a dad again. He never wrote. Never called. One day he did make it big. For a little while. When I was in the ninth grade, I had a science project and a partner, so I went over to her house to pretend that I wasn't going to make her do all the work. She had a huge picture of his band on her wall. They all had their shirts off and he had my mom's name tattooed across his chest like she meant something to him. She never got over him."
"Neither did you."
"No, I didn't."
"Fathers should never be able to walk away."
"No, they shouldn't." Her eyes filled with tears again. "And moms should never have to leave. She was the best mom ever. Best person ever."
"I wish I could have saved her for you. I wish it more than anything."
"You saved Mel. Julian. Aunt Sarah and the baby. By saving them, you saved me. I never thanked you for that."
"Nor do you need to. Jessalynn, I_______."
She pressed a kiss to his lips. "How different my life would be right now if you and the four brain farts hadn't come into my life."
"Gratitude is not what I want from you."
"I know." She said softly, looking at him tenderly. "But you have it anyway. And my respect. My trust."
"Jessalynn." He moaned her name.
"Tell me one more time that you're not going anywhere."
He cupped her face tenderly. "Death could not even separate us for long."