Chapter Twelve
"Brittany!" somebody yells down the school hallway. My name echoes off the walls as I stop and turn to look behind me to see Hannah Jacobs sprinting towards me.
I flip off anybody who decides to stare at me. "What's up, Hannah?" I ask her when she reaches me.
Hannah breathes deeply, lightly panting from her running. When she finally catches her breath she tosses her arms around me. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she shrieks, causing more people to stare.
"Uh, you're welcome?" I respond, confused. "But, um, what did I do?"
"Jordan said that you and Sam were going to double date with us, I just got it okay-ed by my parents this morning," she beams.
"What?" That's definitely not what I told Jordan on Saturday night. I said I would talk Sam into doing it.
"Jordan talked to me Monday about the whole thing and I had to beg Sam to agree to it and he said he'd only go if you went and since you came up with the whole chaperone idea-"
"Hannah, I'm pretty sure Sam hates me right now, I haven't talked to him since Saturday," I inform her, mentally noting that it's already Wednesday. I've spent the past four days avoiding any type of conversation with him that involves the events of Saturday night. Not that I don't want to because I totally want to jump him every time I'm near him. It's more so that I'm avoiding the talk I need to have with Josh. I don't even know what to say to Josh to make things feel honest with Sam; I just know that there's something with Josh that's holding me back.
"He didn't mention anything about hating you last night," Hannah informs me.
"Really?" I inquire, shocked.
Hannah shakes her head. "So you'll go, won't you?" She pouts, practically looking into my soul with her hazel puppy dog eyes. How am I supposed to say no, she looks so happy and excited?
I exhale, giving in. "When?"
Hannah hugs me again, jumping up and down. "Ohmygosh I love you!"
I laugh. "I'm going to need you to take it down a notch."
As soon as she collects herself, she says, "Well, my parents are going out of town this weekend and they want me to wait until next weekend so that they'll be here to make sure that you and Sam actually go with us."
"So not this weekend coming up, but the next?" I verify.
Hannah nods. "Unless that doesn't work-"
"No, that's perfect," I assure her. It gives me plenty of time to procrastinate my talk with Josh.
"Great! I have to get to class, but you should come over sometime and we'll talk details, okay?"
Hannah bounces off down the hallway before I can reply. See, I just made her day, even if I'm dreading the rest of mine. I should just get it over with and go talk to Josh tonight, but I have a feeling that I probably won't do that. On Saturday, Josh made it seem like he was going to call me, but once again, he's proved his lack of commitment to somebody he apparently wants to be "friends" with. I most likely wouldn't have answered if Josh had called me, but it's still the fact that he didn't even make the effort.
When it's finally time for me to head to biology, I contemplate ditching the class just to avoid the possibility of saying the wrong thing to Sam. The last couple days went smoothly because Mr. Shearin was lecturing the whole period, but today's a lab day. Ugh. Which means that I really can't bail. Damn.
I gather my books and walk to biology. I pass Mr. Shearin standing in the hall as I start to enter the classroom.
"Oh, Brittany?" Mr. Shearin stops me.
Great, he's probably going to get on to me about something, I'm sure. "Yeah?"
"Good job on your quiz last week," he glances at the other students walking past. "I'm sorry about what I said."
I shrug. "It's no big-"
"You're trying to make an improvement and I was only giving you reasons not to. So just keep it up," he reassures me with a smile, diverting his attention elsewhere.
Um, okay. What the hell just happened? I make it to my seat, seeing Sam beat me here. "Hey you," I smile, trying to be as casual as humanly possible. "So, a little ginger bird," I start, sitting down, "Told me that we're playing mom and dad next weekend."
"You can back out at any-"
"And crush her fragile, teenage heart? I don't think so," I say. "I don't mind, really. She's going on her first date and she looks so thrilled, I think it's adorable."
"Speaking of first dates," Sam pauses. "Word on the street is that you've never had one," he recaps.
Oh yeah, I did say that. "Is that an offer?" I whisper.
Sam smiles. "I don't know, are you done thinking?"
I bite down on my bottom lip. It ends tonight, I have to get over this. "Ask me tomorrow."
"So it's okay with you if I start throwing around ideas?"
I nod. "Just know that I expect the cheesiest, most clichéd first high school date possible."
"Oh so like, dinner, a movie and mini golfing?" he jokes, playing along.
I toss my head back with laughter. "Actually, that's exactly what I want," I state.
"Really?"
"Does that make me pathetic?"
Sam shakes his head. "You want a first date, I think it's adorable."
After driving past Josh's house seven times, I finally work up the courage to pull into the driveway. I was hoping I wouldn't see his bike outside, but that obnoxious contraption is the first thing I laid eyes on. Maybe I'll get lucky and Jenna will be here and distract me from potentially making an idiot of myself. Who am I kidding, I've barely conversed with Jenna since last week.
I don't even know what I'm going to say. What does one even say in this type of situation? Oh hey, Josh, remember when you walked all over me and totally used me like a doormat? Yeah, well you kind of hurt my feels and I can't be with this really great guy who I'm completely into because you're an asshole. Josh would laugh in my face if I said something like that. I need to sever things in a way that he'll understand because words aren't his thing.
Screw it; I'm going to wing it.
Knocking on the front door is the first step. Suddenly I realize that getting over Josh is like sobering up, there's probably a twelve step process.
The door opens and I relax a little when I see Jordan greeting me with a cheeky smile. "H-hey, Jordan," I say, trying not to come off suspicious. Wait, why would he be suspicious?
"Hey, matchmaker," he chuckles. "Jenna's not home yet."
Shit. He thinks I'm here for Jenna. Why in the hell did I not see this as a possibility, I've only thought of every other outcome, but of course not the one that makes the most sense. "Uh, about that, I'm not really here for-"
"Josh is upstairs sleeping," Jordan exhales, sounding disappointed. Nevertheless, he lets me in anyway.
"He's sleeping?" I question. "It's almost seven at night."
"He works most nights and sleeps all day," he informs me.
"Oh," I nod along, not even knowing that Josh had a job.
He never had a job while I was with him, he mostly used Daddy's Credit Card. I can't say anything because my parents gave me and Brian each a credit card when we turned fifteen. Although we have a reasonable limit, Josh would just buy anything that entertained him.
"So, is it okay if I wake him up or...?"
"Go for it," Jordan says. "It's the third door on the right upstairs."
I nod, taking my time up the stairway. Now this is really a bad idea. Waking him up is bound to get me bitched at. I remember the first time I woke Josh up from a night of drinking too much and he told me that the proper way to wake a "man" up is by giving him a blow job. The nerve. Asshole.
"Uh, Brittany?" Jordan calls out.
I turn back to look at him before I finish walking up the steps. "Yeah?"
"If you're thinking about taking that road again, it's pretty much a dead end," Jordan advises, politely. How is Josh even related to this guy? They're polar opposites.
"What do you-"
"You could do way better than my brother," Jordan pauses. "I love the dude, but if he was going to change for you or any girl for that matter, he would've done it a long time ago. Even if you tried, he needs to be the one to change for himself, you can't do it for him. Don't even keep him on the back burner, just toss him in the oven and let him-"
"Jordan, I'm not here for that, I just came to tie up some loose ends," I say.
He nods. "Good."
"Thanks for lookin' out though," I wink at him, continuing my path to Josh's room.
Do I knock on his door or-? You know what, no, I don't have to knock, I own this right now. I burst through the door like I'm an FBI agent in Breaking Bad about to bust a meth operation and see Josh sound asleep. My big entrance didn't even faze him. Well, at least I know that a career in the FBI isn't my calling.
Ew, would you look at him, all cocooned in his sheets, hair a mess, no shirt, eyelashes that are visible from where I'm standing. Ugh he makes me sick. I lean against the door, shutting it as quietly possible. I climb through the catastrophe that is his room and finally make it to the window, letting in what little light there is left of the sunset.
I sit down on the empty side of his bed, careful not to bump him. "Josh," I begin with a whisper. When that doesn't work, I raise my tone a little and nudge his shoulder.
Josh jumps, making me flinch from his reaction. He looks over at me with his eyes slightly squinted open. "Am I dreaming?" his voice comes out scratchy.
"More like a nightmare," I correct, jokingly.
"What are you doing here?" he yawns, letting his head hit the pillow again.
"Uhm." Suddenly I tense up, losing my train of thought. All that comes to my mind is, Oh hey, Josh, remember when you walked all over me and totally used me like a doormat? Yeah, well you kind of hurt my feels and I can't be with this really great guy who I'm completely into because you're an asshole. I'm so fucked. So much for winging it. I should've prepared a speech. In my head, this was way easier. I wanted this to be over quickly so I could fling myself into Sam's arms and dance off into the sunse-I'm an idiot.
"We could not talk, if you prefer?" Josh grins.
"That's not why I'm here," I tell him.
"Well, whatever it is, you can stop being such a stranger," he says, grabbing me by the waist to pull me closer.
"Josh-"
"Relax, Brittany, don't be a killjoy."
When Josh is finished manhandling me, I push his arm away. "So you work now?" I pick a random topic. I think casualty is the best route to take.
"Yeah, I bartend over at 360," he explains.
"Do you work tonight? I can go if you need to get ready?"
"I'm off."
Damn, I guess I'm stuck here. Josh stares at me, like he's trying to solve a rubix cube. I know it's my turn to say something, but I don't know what to say. That's a lie, I know exactly what I need to say, I just can't put it in words.
"Sorry I didn't call," Josh blurts, randomly. "Is that why you're here?"
I look at him confused. "What?"
"I just figured that Ass-Grabber had dibs," he chuckles.
I blush, thinking about Saturday night when I asked Sam to touch me to piss off Josh. I think I still feel my ass tingling from when Sam touched me. Okay, I'm exaggerating. "He does."
"You said he wasn't your boyfriend," Josh reminds me.
"You say that like it affects you."
"Maybe it does."
I roll my eyes. "Still not over me, Josh?" I mock.
Josh chuckles. "I don't think I ever properly got started with you, Brittany," he retorts.
Just what the hell does he mean by that?
Josh sits up, rubbing his eyes. "I'm gonna, uh, go take a shower, you cool out here?"
"As opposed to where?"
"You could join me," Josh grins.
"Ew, the purpose of showering is to be clean."
He shrugs, getting out of bed, giving me a clear view of his bare ass. Inside I'm screaming profanities, but I put on a good unfazed front. Thankfully my phone buzzes in my pocket, giving me a distraction. It's a text from Sam, asking if I'm busy. Rather than communicating through messages, I decide to call him.
Sam picks up on the second ring. "That was quick. I take it that you're not busy?" he chuckles.
I take a deep breath, staring at the back of Josh as he fishes around in his dresser. "Well, I'm getting some unresolved problems out of the way," I tell Sam. Josh glances back at me, muddled, but then he notices that I'm on the phone. "How were you planning on entertaining me?" I giggle.
"I already know you like doughnuts, but how do you feel about waffles?" Sam questions.
"Hmm, I like chocolate chip waffles, especially when a cute boy is sitting across from me," I inform him. "When?"
"If you're doing something-"
"I'll call you when I'm finished or if something comes up, okay?"
"Sure. And hey, maybe we could get some biology out of the way, you know, be productive and all that good shit," Sam offers and I can hear the amusement in his voice.
"On second thought, waffles sound horrible," I joke. "We could do plenty of other productive things, maybe practice safe reproductive actions?" I add.
Sam laughs. "I don't put out before the third date," he plays along.
I burst into laughter. "Girl."
He chuckles. "Alright, I'll let you get back to your unresolved issues," he says. "I hope to have waffles with you later." Sam says goodbye.
I squeeze my cheeks, trying to stop myself from smiling like an idiot. "Bye, Sam." I hope to have waffles with you later.
"Boyfriend?" Josh turns around, still naked.
"You can stop now. I've seen your dick and there's nothing to reminisce about, Josh," I sigh, bored. "Go take a shower."
"Why are you even here, Brittany? To make me remember how shitty I was to you by making cute waffle dates with other guys?" Josh snaps.
"Shower," I repeat.
Josh sighs, annoyed. "Don't go anywhere and stay out of my shit," he orders.
As soon as he walks into his bathroom and closes the door, I take the opportunity to snoop through his "shit." He's the one who planted the seed in my head. It's only natural that I do the exact opposite of what he tells me. I begin with his closet, but it's just filled with clothes and shoes. This dude has more shoes than me.
I snoop through his dresser, finding socks, underwear, and more clothes. Despite Josh's rough exterior, he's pretty boring. I walk over to his nightstand and look in the drawer. Condoms and these little poker chip-looking things. 24 hours, 1 week, and 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, and 4 months is what they read. What are these? I see the word recovery embossed in the material and quickly come up with my own assessment.
Suddenly an image from Saturday night flashes in my head. The other night when he was staring at the liquor table he must've been fighting off some kind of drinking urge. Damn, Josh is an alcoholic? He just told me that he bartends at a club; how is that even a remotely healthy environment for him to work in? I almost feel bad for him. I sit on the floor next to his bed, trying to piece together what's going on. This doesn't make any sense. Yeah, Josh drank a lot in high school, but that wasn't considered alcoholism, was it? He just liked to drink; it was like a hobby or something, the only thing that he really committed himself to. We all know he didn't commit himself to me.
Come to think of it, this makes complete sense now. It doesn't excuse anything, but I understand him a little better. Just when I want to hit him in the face and tell him to go fist himself, I start to feel bad for him.
I sigh, leaning my head against the side of the mattress, bumping my head on something. In between the mattress and the box spring is a black journal. No way, Josh has a diary?! I am so giving him shit about his. I fan through the pages, seeing that a little over half of it is blank. On the very first page, there's a list of names, both girls and guys, some crossed off and some not. I quickly stumble upon my name, along with Jordan and Jenna. What the hell is this?
I hear the shower turn off and I quickly tidy up the mess I've made and sit down on the bed, trying to act as natural as possible when Josh walks back into his room. A towel is loosely hanging on his hips. I stare at him as he starts to get dressed. The MacGyver in me thinks that I'm going to see something in his facial expression that tells me why he has a list of people's names. Who knows, maybe it's a hit list and he's planning to murder us all.
Okay, so I totally suck at solving things. I never got into the whole Nancy Drew thing.
"Why do you have me on a hit list?" I blurt, getting Josh to shoot his attention my way. At least now his little man syndrome is safely tucked away in a pair of boxer briefs.
"You went through my shit?" Josh shouts, scaring me a little.
"I wasn't going to until you told me-"
"Damn it, Brittany," Josh breathes deeply. "You weren't supposed to-" he cuts himself off midsentence. "I had this whole stupid speech prepared and..." he trails off.
"About how you're an alcoholic?" I say for him.
"How'd you-"
I pull open his night stand. "Poker chips don't usually say recovery." I point out. "I still don't understand what this has to do with me?"
"It's a part of the program," he pauses. "My life is practically an episode of My Name's Earl and I'm supposed to fix things with the people I-"
"Treated like shit?"
Josh rolls his eyes. "I don't even know why I monologue'd what I was going to say to you in the mirror for three weeks, you do all of the talking for me," he says annoyed.
I lie back on his bed, waiting for him to continue. "So how serious are you taking this program? Do you have a sponsor and everything?"
Josh nods. "I stopped drinking, but I unfortunately picked up a few other habits," he admits.
"It wouldn't happen to involve drugs, would it? Jenna told me that's why you were expelled from your university."
"Okay, it's just weed," he justifies. "It's even legal in some states..."
I laugh. "One habit for another."
"I don't get the same effects though, which is why I needed to stop drinking," he tells me.
"Are you trying to blame your douchey-ness on alcohol, Josh?"
"No, I take full responsibility for being a douche to you and everybody else on my list," Josh says.
I stare out the ceiling, thinking a million different things I want to do. "What about our relationshit do you remember?" is the first question that comes out.
Josh sits on the open space on his bed, keeping a good foot between us. "I remember," he pauses, thinking. "Drinking and sleeping with you a lot. We didn't really do much else," he chuckles, finding amusement that I obviously seem to be missing. When Josh realizes that I'm not finding his sense of humor funny, he looks away. "I uh, I remember when you went out of town during winter break and I...I uh, you know..."
"You had the balls to do it; you might as well get the balls to say it."
"I cheated on you more times than I can even remember while you were gone."
"You also cheated on me before that," I remind him.
"I shouldn't have treated you the way that I did."
"You know what's really funny? As much as I can't fucking stand to be near you because of how you treated me, I've been with nobody, but guys like you. Every single one," I tell him, hopefully giving him something to think about.
"I'm sorry. Really sorry, Brittany."
There it is. Exactly what I needed Josh to say. For whatever reason that I'm subconsciously feeling, I lean in and kiss him. I expect to feel some kind of old spark, but instead I feel the large, soft pretzel I had for lunch. I've never been more thankful for the churning in my stomach.**
xxxxx