Haven- 09
"...i will be drunk on cheap beer, like everyone else around here..."
Harry.
The universe was playing tricks on me.
It was the only reletively normal excuse I had conjured up on the walk to my dorm. My legs felt like they had been pumping for ten miles rather than the pathetic distance they actually were. When I finally made it to my door, my eyes caught sight of Ella's door instinctively. I just wanted to go over and knock (just for confirmation that we're okay, and that Niall may like her too, but in the end that won't matter). In a fantasy world, I could walk up to her and have asked her to be my girlfriend despite the fact that I have no fucking idea how to be a boyfriend-- and she'd say yes right away, then we could date, buy pizza, study together, and my friends would be supportive of that decision. Suddenly everything feels out of sorts; everything was a faraway concept. The once simple life I was living, was now deemed complicated.
And, no, I have to remind myself that Niall didn't immediately come out and say that he has feelings for her. Though, unfortunate for me, I wasn't born yesterday.
I turned reluctantly to unlock my door, not sparing another glance at Ella's because honestly it will just continue to eat me alive, and I wasn't ready to face the fact that I couldn't be with her without hurting someone else in the process.
When I twisted my key in the slot, I found it was already open. With a frown, I slowly walked into my dorm. I know I locked it when I went to class, (I never forget to lock it).
"Hello?" I called out for precaution considering my nerves were already on their last lifeline. If someone honestly broke into my dorm, they're not hiding the fact very well so far.
I heard footsteps from the hall to my bathroom and then, "Well, well, well, you must be my roomie."
I did a good job of jumping when the deep voice came out of nowhere. Sooner rather than later a tall figure made his way in front of me but I stayed frozen, trying to rack my memory. Then, as per its tendency to be tardy, I remembered.
My new roommate. Fuck, he wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow.
"You weren't supposed to be here yet," I spoke my thoughts, and walked around him.
"Nice to meet you too," he muttered dryly, turning to follow me. "The names Kane, if you were wondering."
"Like the candy?" I asked. I hear him chuckle despite the fact that I wasn't even really trying to be funny. When I made it to the mini kitchen, pulling out a Budweiser, I turned to get a good look at him.
"With a 'K'." He corrected, his bright blue eyes twinkling. My useless caveman instincts-- the ones I didn't even realize I owned before Ella-- kicked in at the thought of her possibly... no, I stopped my thoughts quickly. I was becoming paranoid.
I hummed in response, and walked past him again with my beer in hand. I made myself comfortable on the couch, and turned the TV on. He follows me, again, and I didn't have the energy right now to tell him to fuck off and that I want to be alone, so I just stayed silent. I flipped through the channels.
"So, I, uh, took room to the left. Since it looked like you already use the one on the right," he said. "This is, like, a really big dorm. My friends back home said it'd be this really small and shitty thing."
I just nodded, trying to focus in on what Michelle is saying, or more like yelling, on the Full House rerun.
"I never got your name," he spoke up again, and I saw him sit down on the other side of the couch in my peripheral. Great, he was making himself nice and comfortable.
"Harry."
My mind was still this messy whirlwind and this beer wasn't even touching any of it. I had a feeling the only thing that would was Ella. I heard Kane say, "Like the prince," and then he chuckled at his own lousy joke. I found myself agreeing, but I continued to stare at the TV. "You're even British, right? That's the accent?"
"Listen, I'm, uh, gonna go," I said when he started watching along with me. I stood up and, despite always being taught my manners as a child, I didn't stay long enough to hear his response before I was out the door. I made the small journey across the hall-- completely forgetting the reasons I didn't just come here first-- and knocked lightly on Ella's door. When a few seconds went by and she hasn't answered, I knocked harder.
When the door opened, and she confusedly said, "Harry?" I didn't give a response. I acted quickly, wrapping my arms around her small waist, relieved to notice how quickly she reciprocated with wrapping hers around my neck. I worried for a moment that I'm squeezing her too hard, or that she was busy with something and I just completely interuppted her, but I just continued to hold her, and nuzzled my face to the warm skin on her neck. I breath out a sigh and realize there is no place I'd rather be than in her arms, as fucking universally cliche as that sounds. All at once, I felt my frustration dissipate. Whether it's in the door way of her damn dorm, or it's in the middle of a ruthless winter blizzard, she's all that will continue to matter.
I didn't know how long I stayed this way, inhaling her sweet scent, and cradling her small body, but when we finally part, I find myself wanting to do it over again.
She looked up at me with a frown, and concern in her eyes. "Are you okay?" She asked so softly I had to come closer to hear. She looks angelic in a way-- so effortlessly beautiful that I have to remind myself that the small freckle above her lip is proof that she is actually real. With her maroon Harvard sweatshirt on, a pair of skinny jeans and her hair in a bun, I caught myself taking a moment just to look at her-- to memorize the way she makes an everyday college outfit into something so much more worthy.
"I just... I needed to see you," I respond, and quickly realize how dumb and terribly clingy that sounds. But when her eyes lit up, and a soft smile made a home on her lips, I was glad I said it.
"Come in then," she gestured with her arm, and I walked into her dorm, planting a quick kiss on her forehead as I passed. For the first time. How could this be the first time? I feel like I've known her all my life but I've never even been inside her dorm. "Abby is at a class right now."
Thank fuck, I thought, because I really just needed to hold Ella right now, and I didn't want an audience.
Things felt so easy when I entered that I found myself making my way on her bed without permission, sprawling my legs out but keeping my back against the head board. It felt like I've been here hundreds, even thousands of times before, watching movies, hanging out, doing homework. When in reality, I've never done any of those things with her here. I held an arm out in her direction, telling her to come sit with me. For some reason I almost thought she wouldn't, and that she'd kick me out because she's finally come to her senses, realizing I shouldn't even be her-- that I would never be deserving of her.
Instead, she surprised me by not missing a beat.
When she made her way onto the bed, I pulled her to me, and she laid her head on my chest much like how we were situated a couple nights ago on my couch. Her bed is smaller than mine, I realize, but I found myself praising that fact and go to wrap my arm around her waist. My other hand started playing with the soft skin on her arm that's traipsed across my stomach. I could fall asleep like this, I really could, and I'd be the happiest man alive.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Ella breaks the silence. She already knew me so well, much like my knowledge of her. She knew there must be something wrong. Is eight days enough time to feel like your chest is restricting when you see someone?
I brought my palm up to her jaw, and touched the delicate skin of her cheek with my thumb. "Are we okay?" I asked instead, because I really need confirmation like the greedy bastard I am. Furthermore, I didn't want to talk about how Niall might (definitely) have feelings for someone I already considered mine. I especially didn't want to talk about how I can't do anything to stop it from happening.
She looked up, confused. "Of course," she whispered. She didn't ask me why, she didn't even push me on the question. She didn't throw in my face the fact that we're not even in a relationship. I was thankful; it gave me more time to pretend.
"Is this okay?" I reworded my question.
When the furrow of her eyebrows didn't go away, I continued, "Like, is all of this okay with you? Being with me like this, but not like... actually being with me."
Her soft smile in response amazed me. "You can lead the way," she said, shrugging. "Whatever this is, I'm having fun and I'm happy. You don't have to worry about me."
The relief gripped me firmly. I nodded, leaning down and placing a small kiss on her lips. For a moment, I worried that I'll never truly get enough of her. For another moment, I worried about how fast these feelings have surfaced.
"You can tell me anything, you know," she added. I nodded again, because I was afraid if I talked I would tell her just how much she means to me. I can't do that. Not yet. If she left this-- whatever this is-- I wouldn't necessarily blame her, but it'd break me. It'd tear me to pieces, actually, and I'm not ready for that.
I was afraid if I didn't put a name to this fucking soon, she'd disappear as if she was never here to begin with. That there'd only be a mark left where she had stood. The look in her eyes doesn't tell me much and I feared that even in the small amount of time I've known her, she'll never feel the extent I feel for her already.
She laid her head on my chest again, and all thoughts are diminished. She has proved to be the only person I've ever known to be able to do that for me.
We were silent for a long time, while I took the time to stare at the wall ahead of me and I breathe in the scent of her, noticing how it's everywhere in this room. On this bed, in the air. It was a good representation of how she is in my thoughts.
"My roommate moved in today."
She doesn't make a move to lift her head again and I was grateful. The warmth of her laying with me was comforting. "Really?"
"Yeah," I said through a chuckle. "He seems alright. Bit of a talker."
"That's how Abby was at first." Her voice was going soft.
"Do they get better with time?" I asked.
"Mmm, she's still the same, I guess. She's a good person though." Her voice faded near the end, and I could decript she was on the verge of sleep. I leaned down, placing a kiss to her forehead.
"Go to sleep, baby," I whispered, then felt the faint movement of her nod. Her arm wrapped tighter around my waist, as if to make sure I won't leave her when she sleeps, before her breathing evened out. She doesn't realize that even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to.
I yawned, the after effects of today's mentally straining day catching up with me. Tiring me. But the way Ella clung to me, even in her slumber is comforting in so many ways, I find myself relishing in the thought that this could be forever. It could be if nothing got in the way. If no one got in the way.
For now though, I said a silent prayer that at least for tonight, I get to hold Ella the way I have craved since the first night she spent at my dorm. Whatever comes tomorrow can wait.
"You know this is fucking crazy," I said aloud. "It's crazy how fast you're making me feel like this, Ella," I whispered to her, but to nothing in particular, as I waited for the sound of her breathing to take me away too. And when it did, I dreamt of a world where her and I are the only ones in it.
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"you're high up on the tower, now don't look down. i will be okay here on the ground." -skylar grey
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