Ravi had gotten called in by the hospital and had to leave after about an hour, leaving me alone with Emma, who was sound asleep by now. I had tried multiple times to tell him about the tests, but every time I did, I panicked and stayed quiet.
I knew I needed to tell Ravi. He had a right to know, but I was terrified of how he would react. We had been dating for such a short amount of time, even though in that time span, he had already decided he was in love with me. Would he still love me when I told him about the tests?
When I didn't tell Ravi I loved him too, I was expecting him to walk out of the door then and there, but he had stayed, and even apologized for putting the pressure on me to reciprocate so early in the relationship.
Truth be told, I didn't know whether or not I loved Ravi. I didn't even think I had ever been in love. But if I told Ravi I loved him, whether I meant it or not, it would make us real. It would mean we were a couple, a serious couple. Every fiber of my body screamed 'danger!' and as per usual, I panicked and fled.
What was wrong with me? Ravi was no doubt one of the best guys I had ever met, let alone dated, and he had just offered up his heart to me, and I had all but ripped it out and stomped it out. But what was better? Should I have stayed true to what I said, that I wasn't ready to say it back? Or should I have lied and told him I felt the same?
A constant fear clouded my mind whenever I thought too hard about relationships and the people I was involved with. What if my first 'I love you' was a lie?
What if I was in love with Danny rather than Ravi? I had chalked the dream up to pregnancy induced hormones, but the fact that the dream was about Danny, and the fact the dream was so vivid meant that the thought was already there. There was already a part of my mind that had hopelessly devoted itself to this guy that would never love me back, not the same way I felt for him.
He would never feel the same way I did about him because his heart belonged to my beautiful older sister. He had been in love with Riley since before he knew what love was and there was nothing I could do to change that. There was no amount of pre-game stick tape and Cool Blue Gatorade I could bring him that would make him even think about having feelings for me.
I couldn't blame him. Riley was probably the most amazing girl I knew. She was incredibly smart and unbelievably beautiful. She set her mind to do something, and she did it. Law school, her entire transformation. She saw what she want, and she went for it, while I was too stuck in my own head.
I just wish I could've been more like Riley. I wish I could be Riley.
###
"I can't believe Ben!" Riley ranted to Danny. They were seated in their familiar corner of the Bar on B on the padded benches. "I mean, he's just gonna rush into this whole 'him and Cassie' thing?!"
Danny watched her complain skeptically. "Riley, if Ben likes Cassie, and she likes him back, there's not much you can do about it." He explained to her, trying to get her to respond to reason.
"I know. I know, you're right, but I'm just so torn, you know? I'm torn between wanting my sister to be happy, and wanting Ben to myself. Does that make me a terrible person?"
"Of course not, Riley." Danny told her sympathetically.
"I know I'm being selfish, it's just... A few days ago, Ben's dating Courtney, Cassie's dating Ravi. And now, Ben's running after her? I mean, Cassie doesn't even see Ben that way!"
"Are you sure about that?" Danny tested dubiously, raising his eyebrow at Riley.
"I mean, I'm pretty sure. They're best friends and have been for almost twenty years." Riley stated.
"So have we." Danny reminded her.
"Yeah, but Ben and Cassie are... well, they're Ben and Cassie."
"Yeah. They're Ben and Cassie, who know every little thing there is to know about each other and are practically raising a child together."
"Oh, God, you're right." Riley hated to admit, leaning forward and burying her face in her hands.
Riley hated that the guys she had been in love with since they were kids was hopelessly pursuing her younger sister. Riley wanted to be her that Ben was jumping through hoops to impress and plan the perfect date for.
"So, you think he's really gonna go through with this big date thing?" Riley pondered, looking at Danny. He knew exactly what she wanted him to say. She wanted him to tell her that he wouldn't be able to go through with it. He would realize that he wasn't actually in love with Cassie. Maybe, it was just easier than admitting he liked Riley.
But Danny didn't want that to be true. While he had watched Riley fall for Ben, he had been falling for her. Clearly, she didn't feel the same way since she was sitting across from him, confessing her love for his younger brother.
"He's pretty sure." Danny broke the news to her gently. "I don't think he's going to back out."
"How do you know?" Riley requested and Danny gave her an empathetic look.
"Because he's on the roof about to call her right now." Danny exposed to Riley and her eyes widened.
Suddenly, it was real. It was really happening. She was losing him.
Riley's stomach dropped and all she could feel was a hollowed inside of her, filled with nothing but hurt, and even anger.
"Riles... you okay?" Danny wondered carefully as he watched Riley's eyes glaze over, her face sinking. He hated seeing her like this. It made his own stomach ache watching the girl he loved so hurt and miserable.
"No, I'm not okay." she responded meekly, her eyes tearing up. "The person I'm in love with is in love with someone else. You have no idea how awful this feels." She explained.
Danny gazed upon her lovingly. "I think I can imagine." He told her.
"I just wish I was her. I wish I was the girl Ben went to for every little thing." Riley admitted to Danny.
"I think you're pretty great just being you." Danny told her and her big brown eyes looked up at him and his soft expression.
"Really?" She said weakly, wiping a tear from her eye.
"Are you kidding me? You're amazing!" Danny immediately began raving. "My brother's an idiot for not feeling the same about you. You're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful. You see what you want, and you go for it."
"You're right." Riley decided, toughening. "I see what I want, and I go for it." Riley jumped to her feet. "I have to stop Ben."
Danny lept up, as well. "Wait, what? Let's not do anything rash!"
"Ben's making a mistake." Riley declared and grabbed her bag, throwing it over her shoulder. "Thank you so much for the pep talk, Danny!"
Danny watched the girl he loved run out of the bar to chase after his own brother. He had meant what he said, that his brother was an idiot for not seeing how great she was. He was telling the truth when he said she was smart, and beautiful, and funny, but now he feared he would lose her forever as she ran away from him and to Ben.
###
Riley hurried to the roof, practically running up the stairs. She was panting by the time she bursted through the door. Ben pivoted around, expecting to find Cassie, but finding an out of breath Riley instead. She quickly caught her breath, regaining her composure.
"Wow..." Riley said to herself as she gazed around the roof. There were several strings of white fairy lights strung around the roof. In the lighting, she could see Ben standing anticipatedly in the middle of the roof.
Ben. He stood dressed in a well tailored black suit over a white dress shirt, a dark maroon tie around his neck, neatly tucked into his suit jacket. Riley hadn't seen him in a suit in years, not since they had gone Danny's high school buddy's wedding, and after laying eyes on him, her lips parted and she let out a shaky breath. He was so handsome. His hair was neatly combed, soft stubble lining his chin. As cliche as it sounded, the twinkling lights made his brown eyes glimmer, especially the golden flecks surrounding his irises.
"Ben--"
"Sorry, I thought you were Cassie." He said, smiling and rubbing his palms together anxiously. "I'm so nervous... I've never done anything like this. You know... grand, romantic gestures aren't exactly my thing."
"Ben, stop--"
He snickered, seemingly unable to remove the smile from his face. "I can't believe this is actually happening! I didn't realize how much I wanted to be with her until--"
"Just stop--"
"I had given up any hope that I had a chance--"
"Ben, the dream wasn't about you, it was about Danny!" Riley snapped and the giddy grin on Ben's face slowly began to melt away.
"What?" He mumbled, trying to make sense of what Riley had just said to him.
"Cassie's dream was about Danny. Not you." Riley broke the news to him and Ben's face only fell more.
He took a deep breath, turning away from her as he slowly dragged his hand over his face, his hand ending at his lips, his palm covering his mouth.
"Ben?" Riley whispered, taking a step forward.
"Please go." Ben murmured, still trying to understand what had just been exposed to him.
"I'm sorry, Ben, but--"
"Riley, just please go away." Ben sniffled as he dropped his hand to his side, staring up into the Christmas lights above his head. Riley recognized this motion, tilting his head back. He was trying to hold back the tears forming in his eyes.
"She does love you Ben." She spoke in a soft, gingerly tone. "Just not in the way you want her to."