"You look like hell." Kyle tells me as we stretch on the track. I wanted to snap and tell him that he would feel like this if he just had chemo yesterday, but I didn't say anything.
I will need to remember that this is just a normal day and not two days after my life ending diagnosis. They will think I'm going crazy if I start acting differently.
I hid my incisions under my workout clothes. Sweatpants hid the one on my knee and a hoodie for my chest. It was getting cold outside so thankfully everyone was dressed similarly. If it had been the middle of summer, this outfit would have been harder to justify.
"Knee just hurts." I eventually reply as I stand up. Coach chooses this moment to join us and start the usual warmups we did before going onto the field.
I keep most of my weight on my good leg as I try to hide the pain I was experiencing. I needed to keep my face in performance mode so everyone believes the story I am telling. I'm a princess on the field not a cancer patient.
When we take to the field, I forget the pain I was experiencing. It was still there but the joys of performing were enough. We did a full run through before the band came out. Everyone told me how great I looked on the field and I felt proud even though this wasn't the competition.
No one had to know I was told I wouldn't have much time left. They would remember me as the best soloist on the color guard team. That's what I needed to be remembered by. This was the legacy I would leave behind when I finally bit the dust.
We run through the routine about five more times before I put my flags away. It was time for Aunt Lisa to pick me up and bring me back to the hospital for more chemo. I only received two drugs yesterday because they knew I didn't feel good. They said we had plenty of time to get the drugs into my system.
I stand on the curb waiting for my aunt to pull up. I lean against my flag bag hoping it would keep me from experiencing more pain. I glance at my cell phone. It was ten minutes after practice technically ended but she wasn't showing up. Then a black car pulled up. The window rolls down and Connor, the intern, waves.
"You're aunt got held up at work so she sent me instead." I bite my lip wondering if this was really a good idea but decide that he works for the hospital and probably has no ill intentions towards me. "How was practice?"
"Better than ever." I reply trying to keep my emotions in check. It wasn't the pain that was making me feel weak and vulnerable. No, I was feeling the effects of my diagnosis. I was dying and I couldn't do anything about it.
"Are you excited for this weekend?" I nod not wanting to talk anymore. He glanced my way confused but then he knew from my expression that I was done talking about myself. I needed time to be alone with my thoughts before we pulled back into the hospital.
Eventually, we pull up to the hospital and he drops me off out front. It was surprising when I saw Daniel and Luke out front as if they knew exactly when I would be getting back. I hated to think that they've been waiting there all day.
"Let's get you up to your room." Luke puts his arm around my waist and helps me to the elevator. My strength failed me as if the world wanted to rest on my shoulders and crush me. Daniel trails behind us, probably having a difficult day also.
Nurse Marnie springs to action when she sees us come out of the elevator. She also seemed to be waiting for this to happen. Everyone seemed to be waiting for someone's life to end but then again, we were in a cancer ward.
"Come here." She grabs a wheel chair, rushing to get me off my feet. I willingly take the opportunity to get off my feet. We get to my room where I manage to gather enough strength to get into bed.
The emotional burden of my diagnosis finally came crashing down. I had cancer and I wouldn't be able to live to see old age. Who knew I would die before I even got a chance to live?
"Drink this." Daniel mysteriously produced a grape Gatorade. "It will help."
I took the drink that it was the fountain of youth. Daniel always seemed to know what I needed so this couldn't be any different.
"Get her on IV fluids." Dr. Sadey instructs one of the interns as he quickly assesses the situation. "How was practice?" She asks as they set up an IV using my port. She wanted to distract me from the very large needle that was going to pierce my skin.
"I caught my first triple." I tell her as they put an ice cube over the area where the needle will go in. "It was the best feeling ever but then practice was over and reality set back in again. How do I get through this with the knowledge that I might not see remission?" I ask quietly.
"One day at a time." Dr. Sadey squeezes my hand gently. "Your aunt called. She'll be here in about an hour. Then we'll finish your chemo." I nod hoping to get some sleep in before my aunt came. It was exhausting practicing for so long and well emotional burdens make you tired.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"So I talked to the social worker." Aunt Lisa tells me as we lounge in my room after chemo. I pulled the blankets around myself trying to feel safe. Cancer was making me feel too vulnerable and nothing seemed to make me feel like someone wasn't out to get me. "She suggested we pull you out of school."
"There's no point in going anyways. It's not like I'll live to see graduation." I reply pulling kitty close. "Have you heard from mom?" I wanted to believe that she cared but it was hard to when she left me here. Plus talking about school wasn't a favorite subject of mine.
"She'll come around." She assures me because this was the topic that made her uncomfortable.
I attempt to sleep hoping it would help time fly. I managed to sleep for an hour before cancer spoiled my plans. I scrambled to grab the basin next to my bed. I then proceed to puke up everything I had eaten that day.
Aunt Lisa springs into action and pulls my hair away from my face.
I spent the rest of the night puking. Aunt Lisa didn't leave my side and spent much of the night wiping my forehead with a wash cloth. I felt horrible and I wanted nothing else than for the pain to go away.
The nurses would come in every hour or so to check my vitals. It would be dangerous for me to spike a fever this soon after receiving chemo. They took over when Aunt Lisa had to leave for work. Nurse Marnie eventually talks her out of leaving, promising her that the nursing staff would see that I was comfortable.
"I can take over." Nurse Taylor offers as she comes to check on us, right before my aunt left. I attempt to fall asleep as Nurse Taylor sits next to my bed. Rounds started at five but thankfully they didn't get to my room until 5:30, allowing me to get an hours' worth of sleep.
"How's our performer this morning?" Dr. Sadey asks as Nurse Taylor leaves the room. I hate to see her go but someone would be back after rounds.
"Really tired." I tell her as I pull my blankets closer around my body.
"Any side effects yet?" Dr. Sadey asks the interns. It was nice not having to speak.
"Miss Kailey was awake most of the night vomiting from chemo. I suggest we put her on a stronger anti-nausea medication to help offset the side effects." Connor announces and I felt like he was the know-it-all in his group or at least when it came to me. For some reason, he took an interest in my wellbeing.
"We'll fix that for you." Dr. Sadey touches my shoulder gently. She gives instructions to the interns to draw several vials of blood and administer a bunch of medications I couldn't even name before turning back to me. "I'll be back in an hour so we can talk about tomorrow." I nod before they leave the room.
Another intern sets to drawing the blood while Conner grabs the new medications I would need. The intern manages to convince me to remove my arm from the security of my blanket. He wasn't very good at drawing blood so it took him four times to finally get it right.
I refused to cry but that only seemed to make Conner more concerned.
Crying is normal, being strong is not? Okay I can be strong after I've been through enough right now everything is new so I shouldn't be okay with any of this.
Finally, the intern leaves and Conner starts administering the medications. He read off the names but I was too out of it to pay attention. Connor turns down the lights as he leaves the room. He seemed to know that I need some shut eye.
Dr. Sadey let me sleep for about three hours before finally coming to talk to me. She talked about how important it was that I stayed hydrated tomorrow and made me promise to come back to the hospital right after we got our rating. I agreed to the terms because I needed to do this.
I spent the rest of the day sleeping hoping that it would help me feel better before competition. The morning came too soon and I had no choice but to get up. It was barely three am but we had to be at the school by six and it took me forever to get ready.
My uniform hung on the door. The light from my lamp made it shimmer. Our show was based on the Ice Queen this year so all our uniforms looked like we were snowflakes, well except mine. I was the ice queen so my dress was slightly different. I had more jewels on the ribbon that went around our waists and I wore a tiara in my hair.
I washed, dried, and styled my hair. The curls hung down my back and Nurse Marnie uses the spray on glitter to make my hair shimmer as much as the dress. Then I started putting on the makeup. Before I knew it, Dr. Sadey was making her rounds.
"Do you happen to know where Kailey went?" She jokes as she comes in the room.
"I'm not sure where she went. I can take a message for you though." I offer as I finish putting on my mascara.
"How's the pain today?" She pats the bed and I get onto it so she can inspect my knee. "Don't lie."
"About a six. I stopped puking around midnight and my knee hasn't been hurting as much but that might be due to the pain medication." I reply.
"Let's get you some pain medicine before you leave. Then we'll remove the IV and get you to the school. Your aunt will be here in about thirty minutes."
My uniform covered my port so I didn't have to worry about people asking questions and the spandex under the dress I was wearing covered the incision on my leg. I stood by the front door holding my flag bag. Parents gave me sympathetic looks knowing I was here for treatment. I had the bracelet around my wrist proclaiming me a patient. Once I was in the car, I could remove it but not until then.
"You look beautiful." Luke appears next to me. "Off to break guy's hearts?"
"Actually I'm going to crush people's hopes and dreams but I can add that to the list." I joke as my aunt pulls up. "I'll see you guys later if you want to stop by." I offer before getting into her car.
"I've seen you dolled up for performances before but you've never looked so beautiful." Aunt Lisa tells me as we quickly drive to the school. I remove the bracelet around my wrist and I double check to make sure you couldn't see any signs that I was a sick kid.
"You're going to watch right?" I ask as we pull up to the school.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."