My eyes keep drifting to the clock on the wall. 9:34 AM. My appointment was scheduled for 9:15 but here we are still waiting in the doctor's office. Mom keeps glancing at her watch as if it would make the time pass faster. It won't but I can't tell her that. Instead, I try to think of anything but what the doctor was going to tell us.
This is the seventh doctor we've been to in three months. The pain started to creep up on me while I was practicing colorguard. I told myself I was pushing myself too hard. It's competition season after all. But, then it started to get worse. I started limping then I couldn't walk at all. The doctor told me I sprained my knee so he gave me crutches and orders not to use it for the next couple weeks. That didn't help anything.
We then went to the second doctor who said I was just growing. Mom believed him at first and made me start using my knee again. When I cried telling her the pain was unbearable, she told me it was all in my head.
Then my coach noticed a lump on the side of my knee when I was practicing. She told my mother who then started to worry about me. However, she didn't make an appointment until I started losing weight and had fevers at night. She scheduled another appointment and told me to use the crutches again because at this point I can barely walk without crying.
"Kailey Ryans." The nurse calls my name and I glance over at my mom trying to decode if she was as worried as I was. She seemed calm so I tried to feel the same.
The nurse takes my vitals and leaves us in the room as we wait for the doctor to come tell us what the MRI said. The doctor comes into the room and I fight the panic rising inside of me. He shakes my hand and my mother's before examining my knee.
"Despite the size of the mass, I cannot give you a diagnosis."
"But there's something wrong with my knee." I tell him and he nods sadly. I didn't understand because if there was something wrong with me, shouldn't there be a diagnosis and a way to fix it?
"What do you suggest we do next?" My mom asks as she glances at her watch again.
"I would suggest you go to St. Jude." He tells us and I felt fear grip my heart. St. Jude was known for their cancer research. We've all seen the commercials on the TV. I again, glance at my mother and she shows no signs of being worried. "They are your best hope." He hands us a business card and a manila envelope with my scans in it.
"When should we go?" My mom slips the envelope in her bag.
"I suggest you go to the ER today."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I slide into the passenger seat after putting my crutches in the back. Mom doesn't say anything as she starts the car. She had work in about an hour and I needed to go back to school. But what if the doctor was right, what if St. Jude was my only hope and we were waiting to go see them?
"Mom?" She glances over at me as we get on the highway. "Are we going to St. Jude?"
"We'll see how you're feeling tonight." In other words, her work is more important right now. "I'll drop you off at school, but come home afterwards. Don't go to practice."
"But we have a competition this weekend." I plead. Despite the fact that I can barely walk, I still keep performing. I was one of the only people who knew the solo part for our show this year. I needed to be there for the competition or we weren't going to go to nationals this year.
"You can barely walk, Kailey. We're not playing this game again." I wanted to argue that this didn't have to be an argument if she let me go to practice but I don't say anything.
School that day dragged and I couldn't seem to stop worrying about what was wrong with me. Dad would be concerned but I can't tell him that something is wrong with me. He needs to focus on what's happening around him. Distracting him could mean his death.
"Are you excited for this weekend?" Kyle asks as he leans against the locker next to mine.
"I'm not allowed to come." I reply bitterly knowing that if I couldn't go to practice she wouldn't let me perform this weekend. "We still haven't figured out what's wrong with my knee." I explain.
"What are we supposed to do without you?" Lindsey asks as she appears next to me.
"If I could be there I would. It's not like it's my choice to make." I tell her as I slam my locker shut. I make my way to class and I leave my teammates behind me. I angrily wipe away the tears that started to fall down my face before going to class.
I could barely keep it together when lunch finally arrived. The pain was getting worse but there was no point calling mom during the school day. I would just have to wait until tonight to tell her that the pain is becoming unbearable.
"Kailey, are you okay?" One of my teachers asks as I lean against the lockers. Maybe I wouldn't be able to wait until my mom got off work.
"My knee really hurts." I tell her as I try to fight the tears. I hated being weak. "I think I need to go to the nurse." The teacher escorts me to the nurse's office. She already knew what was going on so she hands me a bag of ice and calls my aunt.
"Mrs. Taylor, I hate to call you at work but your niece is experiencing pain in her knee again. I would call her mother but you are listed as the first contact on Kailey's emergency contact sheet......Yes, I can hand you over to her."
"Kailey is the pain worse than it's been?" Aunt Lisa asks as I try to ignore the pain.
"It's worse." I reply and I hear my aunt sigh heavily. "Mom told me to wait until tonight to tell her if the pain was worse, but Aunt Lisa I can't."
"I'll come pick you up and we're going to the ER." She reassures me. I hand the phone back to the nurse as I lean back against the pillows.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"When did the symptoms start?" The nurse asks as she checks us in.
"Six months ago, the pain in my knee started. We noticed the lump about a month ago." I tell her as she takes my vitals. It was taking everything in me not to start crying. Crying really doesn't get you anywhere so I would rather be able to explain to them what was going on.
"Kailey's also been losing a lot of weight over the past couple weeks and her mother said something about fevers." Aunt Lisa adds and I nod confirming what she was saying.
"The doctor will be in here shortly." I lay down trying to fight the fear that something was really wrong with me. Aunt Lisa watches me closely as we wait for the doctor to come in. After about thirty minutes of waiting, they came in.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Sadey. I'm from the pediatric oncology ward here at St. Jude." I couldn't place where I knew the word oncology from. I knew it was familiar but I couldn't place it. "We would like to perform a biopsy of the mass before we go any further."
"That's fine." Aunt Lisa tells them.
"Sweetie, when was the last time you ate something?"
"Last night. I wasn't hungry at lunch." I tell her. Aunt Lisa and Dr. Sadey step out of the room and into the hallway but I could hear everything they were saying.
"We are going to admit Kailey for the surgery and pending diagnosis, we would start treatment in the morning."
"Treatment? We don't have a diagnosis yet." Aunt Lisa tells her. "Do you know what is wrong with my niece?"
"It's looking that Ewing's Sarcoma, a rare type of cancer that affects children around Kailey's age." My heart stops. I couldn't have cancer. She must be mistaken. Kids can't get cancer... "I've been wrong in the past."
"No, I understand. I work at another hospital so I see cancer patients pretty frequently. Just take care of her." They come back into the room. "They are going to admit you and get you prepped for surgery." Aunt Lisa kisses the top of my head.
My heart skips a beat as she promises to be here when I wake up. I didn't want her to leave me alone, even though it would only be for an hour or two.
They took me up to pre-op where a nurse started prepping me for my surgery. I changed into the hospital gown they gave me and I tried not to worry. But how could I not worry, when the doctor has a feeling I have cancer. One of my teammates mother's died from it and now I'm facing the same disease, just maybe a different form.
"Let's get your I.V. set up." A male nurse tells me as he comes over. I nod even though I'm terrified of needles. He had to try four times before he finally got the IV in. "I'm sorry kid." He told me each time he had to restick me.
"It's fine. I'm used to it." I assure him as he cleans everything up. I hated to think if this became a normal thing if I really did have cancer.
Another nurse sets up the heart monitors and administers the first medication which would help relax me before they administered the anesthesia. I started to feel out of it before they moved my bed into the operating room.
"Okay, Kailey. I need you to take deep breaths for me." The anesthesiologist puts a mask over my nose and mouth. I breathe deeply hoping to get as much of the medication in my system as possible. I quickly drift off.
Next thing I knew, I woke up in the recovery room. My head hurt and my knee was throbbing. I wanted the pain to go away but I knew it would only get worse before it could get better.
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Sadey appears next to the bed. I was at a loss for words for a few minutes before my head started to clear and I could form coherent thoughts.
"My knee hurts." I couldn't think of a better way to describe the pain. "When can I see my aunt?" I ask and she motions to let her inside. She sits next to me on the bed as I lean against her. I wasn't feeling good which everyone finally realized after I started dosing off again.
"We'll have the results in a couple hours." Dr. Sadey voice catches my attention, pulling me from my dreamlike state. "We'll move you to a room on the fifth floor and I'll stop by once we know the diagnosis."