"You seem happy today," Dr. Perkins commented on my behavior.
Of course I was happy, I saw Jason yesterday and now I know I won't have to be in here for very long anymore. I had my schedule for my remaining days here, but now I didn't feel as if I had to say or do the right thing-according to the doctors. "Yeah, I'm in a good mood," I downplayed it, not wanting to be too obvious.
"Good to hear! I want you to feel like this every day, it would be beneficial to not only to you, but me as well because it makes it easier for me to help. So what made you feel this way?" he asked, prepared to write.
I shrugged, obviously unable to tell him why. "More sleep?" I guessed for him.
He gave a nod, accepting it. "What else?"
"I don't know, does there have to be a reason?"
He shook his head. "I guess not, it's just a bit..."
"Unusual?" I finished, raising an eyebrow as I felt like that was the general response to my feelings these days. "My whole situation is unusual, remember?"
Dr. Perkins chuckled. "Nice to know you always have a sense of humor."
"So, are these going to turn into actual counseling sessions?" I asked, watching him write some more.
"Yeah, more so that than an evaluation," he finished his note before looking up. "You're of course still under evaluation," he reminded.
"Oh, of course. How could I forget? I failed the last one," I said with my sarcastic-optimism.
Dr. Perkins grinned a bit. "So, from past sessions I see you described your feelings during your early experience of the kidnapping as confused and scared."
"Yeah." I confirmed.
"How did you feel about Jason at first?"
I let out a deep breath before answering. "Uh, confused and scared, but um...also...angry. I thought he was selfish and malevolent...even torturous."
"Those are very different, even opposite, of what you told me yesterday of how you feel now. So what changed?"
"I...realized he wasn't any of those things," I responded slowly, not entirely sure myself what exactly changed my mind. "He told me from the start that he wanted to make my life better, and...after certain events, I started to realize he truly wanted that. I believed him."
"What were these events?"
I stopped, remembering when I starved myself. It was the lowest point in my life, and the hardest to look back on let alone discuss. "I don't talk about it," I said softly.
Dr. Perkins acted cautiously now. "Did Jason try to do..."
"No!" I snapped, knowing where he was going, it was where they all went. I prevented myself from getting worked up. "He didn't do anything, it was all me."
Dr. Perkins took a moment before speaking again, knowing it was sensitive. "You're in a safe space now, you can tell me anything and you won't be punished," he assured.
"I've been pretty honest about my thoughts thus far and I'm now stuck in here for 14 more days...at least," I reminded.
"I meant that..."
"I know what you meant," I cut him off, just wanting to stop thinking of that time. "I just don't want to talk about it...just know Jason didn't do anything to me...that I'm at fault for this...event."
Dr. Perkins gave a small nod, thankfully leaving it at that.