May 25
I need more money. Like yesterday. I could be a waitress, but that's one job I really suck at.
I think that freak Craig is stalking me! I was walking inside my building and he just pops up out of nowhere asking me how come I haven't returned his calls. I told him that I've been busy and then asked what was he doing on my doorstep? How did he even know where I lived?
"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and I saw you. Can I come in?"
Needless to say, the answer was no. I should call Kandi and really thank her for setting me up with such a psycho loser. That's it for me. No more blind dates.
Speaking of unreturned phone calls, I've left a few messages for Collin, but I haven't heard from him. I wonder if he's blowing me off because I looked so pathetic the other night.
Oh, as if I don't have enough problems in my life...I found this kitten. It's so tiny. It was in the alley on the side of my apartment building just howling away. I couldn't leave it out there. There are all types of dogs running around in my neighborhood. I took it inside and gave it some water. I guess I can spring a few pennies and pick up some cat food and milk. Cats like milk, right? Like I can afford another mouth to feed. Well, hey, if cat food is good enough for senior citizens, well, when times gets hard(er), it'll be good enough for me. She's all black with the tip of her right paw being snow white. I named her Maddie off of Cybil Shepherd's character on Moonlighting. I used to love that show. The writing was excellent and Shepherd and Bruce Willis were hilarious together. I heard they hated each other in real life. Figures. Nothing's real in this business; everything's a set piece.
May 27
Collin finally called me back today. Said he had to go out of town on some type of emergency. We're supposed to get together tomorrow night and check out a play a friend of his mounted.
I spoke to Kandi and she's going to see if she can get me a meeting with her agent.
I have to take drastic measures. I'm not getting any younger and my career hasn't even sputtered off the ground. I won't have to lie about my age, because pretty soon no one will care.
There aren't that many roles for black actresses to begin with and if I don't hurry up, I'll get stuck playing "the best friend." The one who can't get a date, never has a man and is always in somebody else's business.
Why couldn't I have been born with the lawyer's bug, or the doctor's bug? There's never any shortage of work for them. Why is it that some people are born knowing that their life's work will be noble? Stuff like discovering the cure for cancer and walking on the moon. No, I wanted to be an actor. My greatest contribution to the world will be to lie convincingly on stage or in front of a camera. Wow.
Oh, look at this, now Maddie wants to snuggle with me! I'm kind of glad I found her. It's nice to have that feeling that someone's depending on me. Someone cares whether or not I get out of bed. Although, those warm and cozy feelings fly out of the window at night when she's running around destroying stuff.
I saw this ad in Backstage today for a really interesting student film. I sent my headshot in. It doesn't pay, but at least I'll get to act...with my clothes on. I got an audition for the independent film I sent my headshot in to. I don't go into read until 6/2. It's a cold reading. I hate those.
May 28
Great news, Anita has to come out here on business next week and wants to stay with me.
"Why can't you get a hotel? Your company would pay for it," I asked her.
Of course, ever the brown-noser, ever so eager to save her company some money, she insisted on staying in my tiny apartment. She's never seen my place before, and I've never mentioned to her or to my mom that it's a dump. It's not that they're snobby...well, yes, they are. She's going to come in here, take one look around and feel superior because she just brought a townhouse and she's my younger sister.
Everything I've ever tried to do, Anita has to out do. I wanted to be cheerleader, so she had to be the captain of the team. I wanted to go to Princeton, but I wasn't accepted and she got into Harvard. We're only two years apart and it's like she constantly has to prove that even though she's younger, she's better than I am. My inner child wants to kick her inner child's ass. Just the quick five-minute conversation I had with her on the phone made me feel like a little kid. She had the nerve to say I should stop acting like I'm in college and should just grow up.
"You're becoming an embarrassment to the family."
I was thisclose to getting on a plane to go to Jersey and give her a beat down, but I reminded myself that I was an adult. At least that's what it says on my driver's license. But I don't feel like one. And I'm certainly not living like one. I gotta go, Collin is going to be here any minute.
May 30
I can't believe I did what I did. I was wearing the walk of shame blues as I strolled back into my apartment this morning with the same clothes on as last night. It was ecstasy and insecurity mixed together, a decidedly awkward cocktail. Let me start from the beginning.
I made a few contacts while at the play. The play itself was OK. The lead actress overdid it in my opinion. A tad bit melodramatic. And who did her make-up? OK, I'll retract the claws.
After the play, Collin introduced me to the director. He's getting ready to mount another play and wanted me to send him my headshot. I'm excited, because you never know who will be in the audience. Last night I saw this high-powered agent from ICM and a few TV actresses.
After the play, Collin and I went to Jerry's Famous Deli to grab a bite to eat. As usual, JFD was packed with the club crowd, date crowd, high-schoolers-with-nowhere-to-go crowd. For a 24-hours spot, it seems to stay busy. After a 15-minute wait, we were seated and I ordered a club sandwich. So we're talking and Collin doesn't want to go into what his emergency situation was, even though I asked him about it a few times. Finally, I just let it drop.
At one point, he looks at me and he tells me I'm gorgeous. I'm trying to shove this triple decker sandwich into my mouth (I've been on the broke actresses diet) and I have mayonnaise and mustard globbed on my chin, but I look at him, and it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. We go back to his place. I sit down in the living room and he lights about 10 candles. Corny but romantic. We sit and we just talk.
We talked for hours in the glow of candlelight. Finally at like 3 in the morning, we're lying on the couch, he's leaning back and I'm leaning against him with my back on his chest. His hands are wrapped around my waist and it was just so amazingly comfortable, I found myself telling him things I've never told anyone.
There was this excruciating moment after I exposed my soul to him and I was grinding my teeth wondering if he thought I was a total weirdo. My face was warm and my stomach was doing flip-flops right after I told him. I've never spoken about it before and while it felt good to share, there is a thin line that delves into over-sharing. Maybe I said too much too soon? I have a habit of doing that.
Collin was so quiet for so long I thought I'd creeped him out. When he finally spoke, he surprised me. He told me he wanted to take care of me, to make sure I only knew happiness. Goofy me, I started crying. I feel like I'm always crying around him. He made me feel so totally accepted. Like it was OK that sometimes I feel so crazy and hormonal, and he still wanted me.
He slowly kissed my tears away as they trailed down my face, and of course I cried even harder because he was so tender. And then we kissed for so long and so hard, I forgot how to breathe (mainly because of congestion). It wasn't my most attractive moment but it was THE moment. I don't know, maybe it was the lateness of the hour, or the way the shadows danced along the walls, but it was so pure and everything felt so right.
So that was the wonderful part. The horrible part is that you can never have a first time twice and of course now I'm all second-guessing myself wondering was it too soon? Should I have waited? Is he going to call me again? I mean, how long are you supposed to wait anyway? And who made up these rules about waiting?
I've read all the dating books and I've consistently broken the rules of every one of them on numerous occasions. I think L.A. men are immune to those rules. Their feeling seems to be, "If you don't call me, someone else will."
Except for that Craig. He's been calling and just breathing heavily on the phone. The numbers show up as a blocked number. I've stopped answering blocked calls and unknown numbers.
Cynda thinks I should just confront him about his behavior and tell him to back off. I guess I'm going to have to, because he doesn't seem to get the hint.
Back to Collin. I hate to be petty, but why did he just fall asleep afterwards? No snuggling, pillow talk or any of that. He got off and crashed. Jeez, doesn't he realize that some women, especially neurotic ones like me, are insecure and need that constant reassurance? I'll see how long it takes for him to call me. We really didn't say much this morning. Tomorrow's Memorial Day and he didn't invite me to go along with him to any parties or anything. Guess it's just me and the cat.