Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
I could do nothing but stare at the empty bed.
It looked completely untouched as if no one had slept there last night. The bed neatly made, with decorative pillows in place, and covers folded carefully.
There were no creases on the mattress to show that someone had lain there the previous evening. The blinds were open as well, yet another sign that the room had remained vacant throughout the entire night.
Everything about this moment was abnormal. The voice inside my head was screaming for me to do something, anything, but I couldn't even manage a whisper. All I could do was look at the bed, completely at mercy to life. I couldn't change anything. There was nothing I could do.
As I stood, completely consumed by the bed, I heard the soft padding of footsteps and the door creaked open behind me. My friend peeked around the corner of the dark oak frame and slowly stepped inside. Her eyes darted from the abandoned bed to me and back again. Her chocolate eyes moved back and forth until she finally whispered, "Umm, Amara? Sweetie? I know the bed is super pretty and all... heck I even envy it, but honey darlin'? What's so interesting about it that you need to stand there completely mesmerized? Why am I even whispering? Gosh darn it Amara, what is wrong with you?"
When I didn't respond, she just asked again, this time with a normal voice. "Amara, would you please enlighten me oh, dear, blessed one, on what exactly is so captivating about this bed? Amara! Amaaara? Are you alright?"
"No," I whispered weakly. All I could do was look at the bed, completely at mercy to the situation. I didn't want to believe what I knew as the truth. All I could do was stare, wishing it was a bad dream. That I would wake up and my dad would be downstairs drinking his fourth cup of coffee and reading the newspaper as my mom happily made a delicious breakfast, but I knew this was real. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise, it was real. No amount of staring could change the fact that my father wasn't here.
He was probably long gone by now.
"No, Em, I'm not okay," I continued. "My daddy isn't here."
I looked up at her with tears in my eyes. "I think he and my mom are through."
"Amara! Don't say that! You don't know--"
"Yes I do," I responded all too harshly. "Emilia... he's not here. He's not downstairs, at his coffee table, drinking his coffee, reading the news. Em, HE'S NOT HERE!" I cried.
"Oh honey," she said as she swooped me into a hug, rubbing her hand in circles on my back. With her mouth in my hair, she whispered, "I'm sure he's just on an early morning errand or something."
My throat clenched, tears streaming down my face at an alarming rate. I couldn't breathe. She was wrong. More and more reason to believe the tragedy was real managed to work its way into my already frantic brain, and the more I thought about it, the more intoxicating it became. It made more sense every minute I sat there in Emilia's arms. I put it together piece by piece, and the thought that my dad had left, was the only logical explanation.
"No Em," I choked. "You don't understand... See-see the bed? There are no creases on it, that means... no one could have slept on it. The bed is completely the same as it was last night, and the blinds are open. No one... No one was in here last night. And that makes sense because when I... went downstairs this morning, my mom was exhausted. She was letting the eggs burn and there were bags all under her eyes. Not only that, but her eyes were... they were puffy. She had been crying, Em. All night.
"My dad... he's gone. He's gone Em, HE'S GONE!! Oh, God, he's actually gone. Em! Why is he gone! Why did my daddy leave!?" I was screaming at the top of my lungs and gripping Emilia by the shoulders. She tried to calm me down by muttering a soft, "Shhhhh," and slowly stroking my shoulders as she attempted to bring me into her chest, but I thrashed. I yelled like a child, tears streaming down my face, my hair falling in my eyes. No amount of "comfort" could fix this. My daddy was gone. My own daddy, who raised me a nurtured me. The one who I thought had loved my mother and I since the beginning. He did love us, so why would he go? Why?!
With a red face and and hair clinging to my skin, I yelled in Emilia's face and thrust her onto the bed with as much force as I could muster and ran. I just ran. I ran down the stairs through the living room and out the front door. I brushed by my mom like she was nothing. I ran. I ran for I don't know how long. My legs pounded on the ground to the beat of my heart. My feet were blistering through my socks, but I didn't care. No physical pain could compare to the amount of grief I was feeling right now. I breezed past the trees, taking turn after turn, letting my feet take me where they wanted to. I had no control right now. No control over my body, the tears, the pain.
My dad was gone.
And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
✤✤✤
I sat on a park bench I had no idea how I had gotten to.
I just sat, gazing into the trees' black silhouettes, outlined by the light of the setting sun. The branches swayed in the wind with a slow, soothing pattern
I kind of felt like the trees. I was powerless, completely powerless against the the way of life. It wants what it wants. Just like the wind. It is unseen, yet one of the most influential things on Earth. It can weather the tallest mountains, and whittle the biggest fortresses down to dust, or toss trees in its raging currents. One moment everything is calm, and then suddenly the wind comes and creates a destructive storm.
Life and its path is unseen, but its will stronger than anything else. It can tear down kingdoms or build empires in the most unexpected times, and no one can do a thing about it.
The feeling of powerlessness is one of the worst in the world. Our human nature is to want to control a situation. We aim to govern anything and everything in our life and others', and many times we will succeed. But it's moments like these when the true meaning of powerlessness is revealed. When all you can do is sit back and watch the world break apart, completely at mercy to the situation, it breaks you. When everything you love is shattered to pieces, you can't do anything. It makes you feel weak, vulnerable... inferior. It's an awful lot like a vase. When it shatters, there is no fixing it completely. No amount of glue, tape, or time can fix what is broken. All you can do is remember what was once there, but there is no way to completely restore it.
No matter how hard I would try, there was no changing the fact that my father was gone. I couldn't bring back what was lost, no mater how hard I tried. No amount of tears, screaming, or time could change it. I was truly powerless. It left me feeling more than empty than I ever had before.
All of these thoughts came to me as I sat on that park bench, gazing into the suns marvelous rays, as it dipped below the horizon. I had no idea how long I had been here, or how far I had run. All I knew is that my father was gone.
I felt the slight creaking of the bench next me, but I was too afraid to see what I would find.
I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't think I could manage to speak even if I tried, but of course the body next to me didn't listen to my internal pleas.
"I recognize grief when I see it, little one. Care to enlighten me?"
Judging my the sound of his voice, he was a relatively old man.
I shook my head.
"Ah, so it is bad then. I see."
A momentary period of silence elapsed between us as I still gazed into the swaying trees.
Eventually I looked over at my companion to find him looking to the trees as well. He was a man probably in his late sixties with a slender body and a scruffy white beard. He was the perfect picture of an old derelict, but his clothes said otherwise. I returned my eyes to the trees and contemplated what to say to the man.
As our hair gently blew I finally uttered the words I never thought would come out of my mouth: "My dad's gone."
"Dead?"
"No... but... he's gone."
"I see... Care to elaborate?"
We both continued to peer into the darkened park as I replied, "He... I think he left last night. But I... I woke up this morning and he wasn't here. I just -- My mom even lied to me about it. What other explanation could there be?"
Every ounce of my being wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I was out of tears, all I could do was watch the sun set.
"I would tell ya that everything's gonna be okay, but I know you wouldn't believe me."
"That's true. I wouldn't," I chuckled nervously.
"But it is true you know. Things will get better. There is a reason this happened, and even though that reason is probably unknown right now... in time you'll see. What's your name darnlin'?
"I'm Amara. What's your name?"
"My name's John. As I was sayin', Amara. A lot of times, we are put through somethin' real hard for a reason. Somethin' good will come outta it, even if you can't see it now."
I laughed softly to myself and replied, "I appreciate the thought, Mr. John, but nothing can fix this."
"No, no, no, I know. Believe me I do. But Amara... sometimes, well... sometimes we have to fall before we fly."
With this he left me, standing up and returning me to my solitary position on the bench, watching the final rays of sunlight sink below the horizon.
I looked to see his back slowly fading away as he bobbed up and down with each step he took.
He was wrong.
I know that they always say to listen to your elders and everything because they've had more experience and all that, but nothing good could come out of this. How could my father leaving possibly serve as a positive? The man I call dad had raised me. He was the one I always went to for consolation. He was always there for me. Now he wasn't. He was gone. Gone for who knows how long.
It was getting awfully dark out as the bright pinks and oranges faded into an inky black with stars twinkling down from the heavens. They winked at me and I was given a surge of hope. Maybe somehow there was a promise in tomorrow, even if it was unclear.
I walked home with confidence that night. Even though the truth hurt, it was better to face it head on than to deny it.
✤✤✤
When I opened the door to my house, I was greeted by my mother and Emilia both siting on the couch with tears streaming down their faces. All confidence in the confidence balloon I had built up was suddenly deflated. They looked up as soon as they heard the door crack open. Their expressions morphed from ones of grief to those of elation as they both ran to me and wrapped me in their warm embraces.
"Amara," my mom whispered in my ear.
"Hey mom," I smiled on her shoulder.
She pulled away and gripped me by the shoulders. "Baby girl, I was worried sick," she said with a sad expression.
"Yeah," Emilia cut in. "You scared the crap out of me, child. I would slap you, but I'm too happy to see you," she said as she pulled me into another tight embrace.
"I know, I know, guys. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. I just... I needed time to think." Even I could detect the weakness in my voice.
"Oh honey," my mom said. "If anything, I should be sorry. There is so much we need to talk about."
I laughed nervously and replied, "I know momma, although I think I may have pieced most of it together by now. But I'm tired, and hungry -- I... ehem--haven't eaten all day, so do you mind if we save it for tomorrow?"
"Of course! Oh my gosh! You need food! Actually... we need food too. Emilia, please feel welcome to stay another night. It's pretty late and we are all hungry. It would just be easier for you to stay here," my mom said
"Yeah, of course! Let me just text my mom real quick," she replied as she left, in search of her phone.
"Okay, I'll make dinner. Lots of it."
I laughed, "Thanks mom, I think we all need that. I'm going to take a shower and I'll be right back down."
"Alright, sweetie. I won't be long."
I smiled timidly, and headed upstairs, turning on the hot water and letting it cascade down my body.
I turned to face the faucet and the water ran down my face, washing away any and all tear stains. I stood there for a while, as the water fell down, taking my sadness with it.
I turned the water off and changed into a pair of comfortable pajamas, then put my hair up in the towel, too tired to dry it off.
I walked downstairs to find that my mom had made three medium sized pizzas, one for each of us. I then took my seat next to the people I loved, but I couldn't help but feel a certain absence. It wasn't complete without him.
After dinner, Emilia and I went upstairs and I gave her a fresh pair of pajamas. Both of us plummeted into my queen sized bed, not bothering to brush our teeth.
Within seconds I was enveloped into a world of darkness, as the edges of sleep tugged at my conscious.
I watched as the world faded into nothing more than blackness.
""""""""""""""""""'
Y'all probably hate me.
I'm sorry.
I know I haven't updated in ages... like ages.
Please don't hate me.
This chapter literally took me forever to write. You have no idea. It is so hard to convey emotion.
And also! Please don't hate me because this chapter is sad. I am warning you, it gets worse...
And also! You read the description, you knew it was coming! You have no right to be mad!
Well, technically... you do, but like... you should have been expecting it.
Anyways, back to the point.
I have been going nonstop -- Man the man is NON STOP!- (I'm sorry, no more I promise. I just couldn't resist) with school stuff and family and just... you don't wanna know do you.... okay then!
Yeah.
I am not kidding though, it took me at least a full 24 hours to write this chapter and that was spanned across many days. I have 0 time. Nada. Zilch. And this was a really hard chapter to write too. I will probably go back and edit it even more than I already have later, but right now it is... *stops to check clock* Holy--! It's freaking 12:45 y'all! I need to go to sleep! What the heck! Look what you people have done to me!
Anyways, love y'all!
I really do!
Stay amazing, my lovelies!
Stay who you are!
I love you so so so so so very much!
XOXO
Madelyn