hi everyone! thank u for sticking around as always, i was reading thru this n wow it's too cute not to post so i rlly hope u enjoy it as much as i do hehe. even if my writing process is rlly slow now bc of what i mentioned before, i'm still trying to put more of this out to the best of my abilities. it's not edited fully so srry for any typos. thanks again :) - j ♡
| J j : Volume I: Baby Steps |
When he woke up his hands were wrapped cautiously around the child. He took notice quickly from the heat he had on his chest. Rylen's hair was messy on his face and so was Brendon's. They looked identical as they slept, so the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. He had quite a lot of Ryan's physical characteristics, but he had Brendon's heart.
Ryan watched over the both of them for some time, until Brendon's eyelids couldn't bear to be closed anymore."Good morning." He smiled instantly when he met with Ryan's eyes.
"Mornin'." Ryan replied, his free hand making its way to Brendon's cheek, caressing it warmly.
Brendon let him. It was about time he did. He was getting tired of the cat and mouse with him, but he wouldn't let himself be fooled either."Gimme the baby." He pouted suddenly once he noticed the full embrace Ryan had on the two year old, leaving him with no physical contact with Lyric whatsoever.
Ryan pouted as well."But you always have him. And he's sleeping now, you'll wake him up."
"But you've had him all night, don't think I didn't feel it when you took him." Brendon winked teasingly, reaching his hand to carefully tug the little boy to his body instead."I miss him, gimme."
"What if we have him together, hmm? He's Papa's boy right now. I'm not giving him up that easily." Ryan suggested, equipping a much more protective grasp on the little boy as he stared at Brendon's blinding smile and squinting eyes. Ryan knew Brendon couldn't see much right now, so he took the child softly and placed him on his chest, reaching on his side for Brendon's glasses which lay on the bedside table of Ryan's side of the bed.
Ryan handed them to Brendon and he took them quickly, pushing them on and getting closer to Ryan and Lyric. They both lay on their backs, the comforter stopping on their mid sections, the both of them staring at Rylen as he slept soundly on Ryan's chest."He's so small still. Do you think there may be something going on?"
Brendon nodded, lip between his teeth and his head of messy hair on Ryan's pale shoulder."I don't know. I'll set up a appointment after New Year's to see what's going on. I agree with you, he's a bit too small and he's about to hit three."
"I also noticed that he doesn't eat much. Like, he eats, but he leaves too much on his plate for my liking." Ryan pointed out with a targeted stare on his special little man."He didn't poop much when I had him. Probably once or twice the whole time you were gone."
Brendon's eyebrows creased."Yea, that's not good. He poops more than that. Like, four times everyday." He frowned."God, I hope he doesn't get sick."
Ryan worried instantly."Has this happened before? Like, how many times does he get sick a year?"
Brendon reached a hand to the child, setting it on his back to rub softly."I don't remember if this specifically has happened before. He's gotten sick like... four times? It's usually around the fall or winter so I hope he's not about to get sick now." He sighed softly, his head on Ryan's rib cage and his free hand on his son's back. He listened to Ryan's heart with eyes closed and it almost lulled him right back to sleep.
The three were like that for a good amount of time. It was probably the latest Brendon had woken up in a while. The both of them fell right back to sleep in the positions they had, but it didn't last for long. Brendon and Ryan woke up again, and this time, Brendon had a grasp on the little one."You stole him from me!" Ryan faked gasped.
"Too bad." Brendon teasingly put his tongue out at the pouting man.
Ryan stole a kiss.
But Brendon didn't mind at all.
He took Rylen in his hands and maneuvered his hips to be on top of Ryan, sitting on his mid section with both of their lips still very much attached. Ryan was very careful as to not moving Brendon's body too much because he had their baby in his hands, bus he wasn't succeeding when it came to lip movements. It was a bit rough and needy, yet sweet and caring, if that made sense to anyone. It did to them.
As they kissed they were surprised that their child was still asleep in Brendon's arms. Their heads tilted sideways for a better connection, Ryan's hands slipped to Brendon's shirtless hip bones, and Brendon's legs wrapped around Ryan's lanky body quickly as their heated kissed progressed. They were both ever so grateful that they were in a situation like this again."Brendon..."Ryan gasped momentarily, his lips pink and used, his forehead attached to Brendon's.
And then there was Brendon - who's lips were already swollen by nature - looked even more plump than usual."Yes, Ryan ?" He felt free to continue their lavish and wild connection that they desperately never wanted to end.
Ryan broke the kiss again, screaming and reprimanding himself internally for being such a fool."I'm aroused by this and you're carrying our baby, which makes me feel very embarrassed." He confessed as he messily placed his lips on the smaller's neck.
"Fuck." He lowly cursed at Ryan's action."You're right. I'll put him down in the crib now." He said as he finally pulled away from Ryan Ross' mouth, setting his forehead on the other to take a breather. But he didn't have much time to react to much because of the sounds of crying.
"Daddy home." The child wept, not even sure why he wept at all. He's a child, he knew nothing of emotion, but seeing his Daddy caused him a lot of them. He was a bit loud and it serve well to break the hearts of both males. They caressed the child, littering his sweaty hair in kisses.
"Why are you crying, little man? You should be happy." Ryan softly smiled at the little boy the adults now had sitting between each other in a new position. Brendon had sat with the child on his lap and happy tears on his face, and Ryan did too, the both of them sitting criss cross.
Rylen nodded, hiccuping and wiping away tears with his fists, Patrick in hand."Am happy, Papa. Daddy home now."
Ryan decided to lay down to have a closer connection with the both of them. He wasn't going to get enough of that. He lay his head of messy bed hair on Brendon's knee, smiling up at the emotional man above him."Don't cry, babe. Give Daddy a big kiss and hug because he's home now." And so, the toddler got on his tip toes and did as Papa told him.
He hugged Brendon as tight as he could manage and then he planted a kiss on Brendon's pink lips, hugging him again and having another little cry."I love you so much, sweetheart. Oh, you give me the best hugs And cuddles ever! Give Papa some love, too." Brendon set the little boy on Ryan's chest again, tickling his side to stop him from crying.
"I give Papa cuddles." The child replied as he laughed his heart out from the tickles daddy was giving him. Ryan joined in and it wasn't long until the boy was crying, but from the laughter. Rylen kissed Ryan's lips and held onto his neck tightly as he giggled. All of their hearts were warm.
"Do you love Daddy, fish?" Ryan asked with a wide smile, the widest Brendon has seen him have ever since they got to talking again. Or well- maybe it was just the one he actually gave himself a chance to admire.
"Yes, Papa." Rylen nodded assuringly with little hands on Ryan's naked chest, as he himself, sat criss cross on Ryan.
"Do you love Papa?" Ryan asked goofily.
Rylen nodded again."Yes, Papa." He bounced from the laughter the funny faces Brendon was making behind Ryan's back caused him. He was soon sticking out his own tongue, and it wasn't long until the three were doing it to each other whilst being generally goofy and playfully. They all laughed and laughed for so long at the small things that it seemed like a eternity."You love Daddy, Papa?"
Ryan froze momentarily. He felt when Brendon did too. He didn't know if this was a moment where he should be extremely honest and carry his heart on his sleeve, or just continue playing around before it all got awkward."Sweetheart, Daddy is very, very special to me. I... feel for him. A lot. It's a bunch of adult weird stuff but you'll get it on you're bigger."
"Papa is right, booger." Brendon chimed in softly."I know you're still our little baby and you're so small to understand, but I want you to know that it's completely ok for... for, uhm... for boys - like Papa and I - to feel for each other. Papa and I feel loads for each other and nothing will stop us from feeling loads for you, too." He explained cautiously, poking the child's nose playfully in order to get a reaction or a smile out of him.
He suceded.
"Okay, Daddy. That good. I get buzz?"
Brendon warmly smiled."Of course." He made the buzzing bee noise his son loved so much, until he landed on the boy's lips. They laughed again, and even with the tension Brendon felt in his chest, he was relived as it all restored.
Ryan smiled as he saw how happy both of his favorite people on earth were. Rylen was babbling on his chest about something and Brendon set his stare on him, listening to every lovely incoherence the two year old spouted out."He's a little bit too young for that talk, B, don't you think? Like, nothing against it and it's fine by me, but he won't get it quite yet, yknow?" Ryan had whispered soft enough for only Brendon to catch on.
"I agree, but there's never a 'too young' when it comes to this. " Brendon had exclaimed with a smile, looking down at Ryan's very bought hazel eyes that seemed to only stare at him and Rylen as if they were the only two beings in existence."Nobody is too young to know that love is love." And he widely and wildly smiled at that, proud of his own words.
Ryan smiled widely and wildly at him.
Proud of the man he'd chosen to love.
-
"Are you being serious right now...?"
"Yes, I'm being really serious. You think I'm not?" Brendon said with a humph sound, both hands crossed on his chest, sunglasses on and hair flipping in the wind. Ryan was staring wide eyed at Brendon as he carried Rylen. It seemed like this morning they had made so much progress. Now he didn't even know where they both stood.
All over a damn car seat.
"I just- I thought I fucking told you before we all got dressed to set this up backwards, Ryan-"
"First off, I tried and failed and I needed you to do it. Second, I'm holding the baby so don't curse while he's with us." Ryan tried his best to keep his cool and keep Lyric calm and distracted as Brendon went off on him for literally what seemed to be the stupidest reason yet.
Brendon glared at him."I hate it when you interrupt me. So much." He said as he entered the Range Rover, his smaller frame disappearing in the back seat. Brendon managed his hands and body roughly. He pulled the car seat harshly which caused him to loose balance and hit his head on the roof of the car from anger. He hissed and yelled,"Fuck!"
Rylen gasped in somewhat loudly in Ryan's hold, his daddy's booming yell frightening him greatly. He then began to cry. Ryan sighed deeply as he whispered soothing words to the child and bounced him for comfort in his grasp. He hated when Brendon had his attitude of defiance on. Ryan rolled his eyes as he bounced Lyric in a sitting position as the boy cried softly now. Brendon meanwhile, was inside the car pulling and adjusting things with the worst mood to date.
"Brendon."
"What is it, Ryan?"
"Rylen puked, like, all over himself."
Brendon's neck twisted slowly. He eyed the lanky bearded man who held the child with the ruined clothes, his hand was also covered in the chunky white liquid that was presumably this mornings oatmeal. Ryan's face was one of embarrassment and maybe a little bit of fear because he had no clue what Brendon's reaction would be.
But Brendon laughed.
That one high pitch laugh that everyone loved.
"Your hand is covered, oh my god. Don't touch me. Let's get you cleaned up." Brendon said as he exited the vehicle with a mood switch that was significant. Ryan was actually shocked a bit. In between snorts, Brendon rolled his eyes."Again."
-
It was taking them a bit longer than the first time to get Rylen ready because Brendon had told Ryan to give Lyric a bath since it was his turn and well..."I don't know how." That's what Ryan Ross shamefully said, his rosy cheeks were burning as his head bowed.
Brendon was ever so confused. As he wiped Lyric with wipes he said,"What do you mean you don't know, Ryan. Then who was bathing him the days I was gone?"
"Me."
Even more confused. Brendon scoffed lightly as he threw the dirty wipes into the garbage."Elaborate."
Ross scratched the back of his head. He watched Brendon clean their son. He figured it was the oatmeal, too. He took wipes as well and cleaned it off. Definitely oatmeal."I gave him baths, like, with a swimming trunk on. I-I was afraid of touching his parts since you weren't here and I just didn't know what to do, Brendon. I feel so dumb."
Brendon on the other hand was literally laughing his ass off. His heart was so warm."You are literally so adorable, my God." He shook his head while he washed his own hands off."Come on. I'll show you." Without hesitation, he began stripping Rylen of his red sweater and blue jeans that were smelling dreadful.
"Do you feel sick, sweetheart?" Ryan asked the toddler because he literally couldn't fathom why he had vomited at all. Maybe he bounced him too hard without realizing it because he was so focused on Brendon's anger that he got so anxious.
"No, Papa. I good." Lyric assures with a soft smile."I stink."
"That you do." Ryan laughed teasingly. The three walked upstairs and to the bathroom of the master bedroom. That was when Ryan's fear kicked in. He didn't know if he'd do it right or wrong, if it was okay to do this at all. He had encountered babies before but not to this extent. This was his baby. Their baby. Ryan was proper shitting himself.
"Why didn't you call Sarah to help you? She would have totally given you a tutorial, yknow." Brendon wondered as he waited for the water to fill the tub. Ryan absentminded began placing Lyrics toys in. At least he knew that doing that was a must.
He shrugged softly."Well... There's a number of reasons. I didn't wanna bother her. I googled it but it was no help. I was so scared. I didn't know if I was, like, allowed to touch anything. I'm... I would have felt incompetent and I guess that was a given since that's what I'm feeling now." Ryan spoke truthfully, eyes on the increasing level of water."Sorry."
Brendon smiled sadly."Don't be. I would have left a list of directions and more specifications if I would have had more time. I'm the one that's sorry, Ry." He reached his hand over to Ryan's chin and raised it. He enjoyed having direct visual contact with him. Those eyes were always so soft once they looked into his."You'll do fine. Let's get started."
And so, Brendon put Lyric in the water to which the toddler responded with a soft gasp from the sudden warmth. He instinctively took his boat toy and put it in his mouth but it wasn't dangerous since it wasn't small or pointy."Brendon, I'm actually properly dying here. I-I can't I'm-"
"Yes you can." Brendon urged as he sat on the toilet seat. From there he gave directions but Ryan didn't get soap past Lyrics chest yet."I was single. I had to deal with it when he was eight times smaller than he is now. So you can do it, I'm right here watching and guiding you through it."
Ryan smiled a little at those words of encouragement, but just to be cheeky, he chimed."You were single?"
Surprisingly, Brendon took no offense to it and actually laughed pretty hard if Ryan was allowed to say. He said,"Freshly." With a shrug. Ryan didn't know about that at all. Brendon saw as Ryan deflected somewhat as he opened the cap to Lyric's soap and squeezed it into his hand."I wanted to be with Sarah but I wasn't really there, you know what I mean? I loved her. Least, I think what I felt for her was love."
"But she wasn't me...?" Ryan said it for him.
Brendon was thankful. "Uhum."
"That sounded pretentious, my bad."
"No. You're right. She wasn't you. The feeling wasn't the same. The craze... the strength of what we had. No comparison." Brendon found himself explaining with no trouble, really. It just poured out. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing if he was honest."You're doing good." He smiled with a friendly and playful run through the taller's hair that made Ryan feel useful and cared for.
"Thank you. I think I'm not so afraid anymore." He confessed, looking at Brendon in the eye as he sat on the lid of the toilet. Rylen was distracted with his bath toys which made it even easier for Ryan to give him a proper bath."No water on the face without a warning. Sarah told me that. Sweetheart, tilt your head back and close your eyes, please?"
Rylen did so. He kept his plastic boat toy in his mouth as Ryan washed his hair but after a minute or two he sat straight up again since he didn't like water suddenly and so strongly being poured on him. Ryan whispered a apology but asked if he could do it again, which the toddler did."I'm getting the hang of it." He turned around to face Brendon with a excited tone in his voice.
"Yea, I see." Brendon blushed."Now, tell me you didn't feed him from one edge of the table with a pole with a spoon attached to it at the end or anything, right?"
Ryan laughed loudly."Oh, shut up."
Brendon blew him a kiss."Just checking."
-
Brendon liked to think that this was a family at this point. Now, not that Ryan was officially his partner quiet yet. There was no need to rush anything. Especially with what the two of them still feeling the need to explain things to each other that they've already discussed before. Brendon needed depth. He wasn't gonna accept a vague talk about things when there was clearly still lots to discuss. Same with Ryan.
But for now, the three of them were content under the orange and pink five o'clock sky, laying on the blanket under the shade, fighting ants that came for their picnic food."Ouch!" And for Rylen, too. The child quickly was a mess of tears from the ant bite. He couldn't stop picking and scratching at it and Ryan did his best to comfort him as Brendon rubbed a cold ice cube on the bite hoping the itching and swelling to go down."I don't like them." Rylen proclaimed angrily.
Brendon chuckled sweetly."I'm sorry, bug. They just want some food like us."
"I'm not food." Rylen argued bitterly as he sat on Ryan's lap with his arms crossed and a pout so pronounced that Brendon was almost scared.
"Maybe we should take a walk around the lake so the ants can't catch up." Ryan suggested with a slight brightness in his eyes, softly smiling as he took the scenery in."Let's put all this food in the car." Both the adults got up and on it, taking the baskets and bowls to the back of Brendon's van with Rylen following behind, wanting to be carried by Ryan who said a stern."No. Walk. Practice those legs, bud."
Rylen did so with no complaints as much as he desperately wanted to be carried around. He found that walking was pretty fun. Brendon most of the time just lets him be carried or he rides in his smaller wagon. Walking and stomping behind his parents was really entertaining for him, and for the two adults to cautiously watch. But as soon as they turned their backs against the trunk of the Rover, Rylen found a few little friends doing much of the same behind him.
He stopped to look at them in awe, not really knowing what they were but he found them extremely peculiar nonetheless."Hello." Lyric said to the animals behind him, going up to them but they all stepped back. He blinked in curiosity. The two year old stepped back and the critters went towards him. He giggled."Hello." He greeted them once more with a grin plastered on his face. Lyric outstretched his small hand out to the animals but was stopped just as quick.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing?" Ryan asked, bent over the dirt with wide and protective eyes.
Simply, the toddler replied."I said 'Hello'."
"Are those ducklings?" Brendon asked as he approached the scene. Ryan was dying to burst in laughter at all of it.
"Hello." Rylen said again, nearing the ducklings and touching them carefully, not one of the animals protesting somehow. Brendon was dying inside to tell Ryan not to let him touch them, but Lyric's happiness was what really stopped him from doing so. Ryan watched as Lyric walked to all sorts of directions, all four ducklings following behind with each turn the toddler took.
"This is cute and all but..."
"What?" Brendon looked at him with a smile that was quickly turning into a straight line from the worried tone Ryan had in his voice.
"I think they've imprinted on him."
Brendon Urie almost fell backwards."That's not funny, Ryan! What am I supposed to do now? Like- I can't keep those ducklings at home. I didn't even keep my dogs."
Ryan rose a brow."Hey, what even happened with your dogs?"
"I had a baby and became a father. That's what happened." The twenty nine year old sighed slightly with a frown that didn't stay on his lips for long as he looked at Rylen run around with the animals that didn't seize to follow him no matter how fast the child walked. Ryan laughed nonchalantly, going behind Brendon and throwing his arms around his chest, cuddling into his neck."You're getting too comfy, Ross."
He frowned at that."What do you mean? I thought we...?"
Brendon shook his head slowly."I'm not ready yet. And I know. I'm sorry for given you hope and all that. But there's so much in the way right now. The house, the move and just-" His phone rang right in the middle of his explanation. He rubbed out his temples and took out his phone and pressed it to his ear almost immediately. To comfort himself he grabbed Ryan's pinkie with his index and thumb. This wasn't going to be a good call and he sensed it. Ryan did too, from all the tension that suddenly took over Brendons body language.
Brendon didn't speak much. The only thing that he contributed to the conversation was "But my son, man." And that was it because the person on the other line wasn't having it with his procrastination anymore. The call ended quickly and Brendon was ever so frustrated. He put his phone in his pocket and slipped his hands into Ryan's tightly with his head down.
"What's wrong?"
It wasn't wrong, but it wasn't right for that point in time either."I have to go on tour."
Ryan didn't see what was so wrong with that."Why are you upset then? That's good. You love playing and this album is great-"
"It starts New Years Day, Ryan. Lyric's big birthday bash is literally gonna have to be put off for a day off and those days I'm too tired after shows." He was almost blowing smoke out of his ears at this point. It was bound to happen. He's just been avoiding it. Brendon had become a master of avoidance."I have to take him, Ryan." That was what hurt the most." I can't be without him by my side."
Ryan Ross was yet again terrified."But I'm just now officially here." It was whine. A plea. He was holding tight with no plans of letting go." I can't have you leave and take him and not see you whenever I wake up. I need you both."
Brendon got loose from Ryan's grip, shaking his head like he couldn't believe what the world was throwing at him."But that's my job!"
"But that's my life!" With a stern finger, Ryan Ross pointed at the child who sat on the grass with his new feathered friends. The twenty-nine year olds looked at each other with evident pain in both of their eyes. Brendon's chin began to shake because everything was getting to him like it often would."My life has no purpose if I can't freely share it with the both of you."
"Stop."
"No." He refused." This is crazy. It's like a sick- like a sick joke. If you're leaving you've gotta take me with you."
The singer couldn't help but scoff at that, a cry releasing accidentally."I can't possibly bring you on tour. Do you even know what would happen? 'Ryan Ross on the Death of a Bachelor Tour with Panic! At The Disco'. That would be the headlines. Get a load of that. Everyone will be fucking ballistic." All he could do is look away and let his tears be shed."Nobody even knows outside of the band that you're his dad, too. Nobody besides Sarah, Breezy and Dallon know I'm speaking to you right now, even."
"You care more about a headline than me being there to father our kid because you're busy?"
The shorter glared at him with nothing but confusion."Of course not. Fuck you for even saying that!" That's when he turned away completely. The afternoon air blew cold and the atmosphere transitioned into one of happiness and blew to pure distraught. He distracted himself by looking at the child who giggled to himself, selectively ignoring the man behind him."I'm scared... alright? I don't know what to do."
The other man sighed to himself. He reached his hands and placed them on Brendon but he just shook them off his shoulders."I'm sorry." He spurted out."I don't want you to go when I just got you back. I mean, maybe not you you but... You know. I'll do anything, Brendon. Literally anything." Brendon at least turned to face him as he spoke this time. All he could do was grant him a comforting smile."I can take care of you."
"With what? The Panic! royalties you're still getting?" With wide eyes, he cursed his mouth." I didn't mean that. I'm really really fucking sorry. I'm just so angry I have to do this now. When everything's good." He practically jumped into Ryan's arms, searching for forgiveness with tears running freely down his cheeks again."I don't have another choice and I'm sorry. Just- I'll see what I can do because it's clear to me that I can count on you. But don't think that-"
Ryan smirked hard as Brendon Urie brought him closer to his smaller frame again. Just how he liked it. Just where knew where he belonged."Yea, yea. I know. Your guard is still up. I know and I get it. I don't wanna hurt you, Brendon, I'm giving this my all." He nuzzled into his neck. The smell that was stuck to his skin was of musk and mint. It was so strong that it stuck to his nose. He smiled with eyes closed."I feel for you."
"I feel for you, too." The reply was quick with no traces of hesitance found in his tone. A laugh came next and a blush didn't haste to follow."Is that... gonna be our thing?"
"If you want it to be." Ryan shrugged with his head still buried in Brendon's neck."I'm pretty sure you're scared of me saying that I-"
Loudly, Brendon began to sing."La la la la!"
But Ryan just laughed his ass off."Stop yelling or I'll kiss you."
"That a threat?" Defiance.
"It's a promise." Ryan winked cheekily and blew him a kiss for better measure."Can't wait for tour, y'know? I can't believe how fast we bounce back from a fight. It wasn't like that before."
Agreeing, Brendon nods." Yea. But we're older now. And also, who said you're going on tour, Ross? Do you even know the shit I have to go through to convince anyone to let you on? That's a lot of work and I'm kinda busy and lazy. Lowkey don't even want you're annoying ass on it anyway." Sassily, Brendon pouts his lips out and crosses his arms over his chest.
Ross begs to differ. He lay his hands carefully on Brendon's lips. He knew what he was doing. He made it so his eyes could manipulate, but truthfully, it was always the other way around. A snake charmer hypnotized by his own snake."Shut up, You love me. You're taking all these precautions, these baby steps. I respect that- but Brendon, I'm really trying for the both of you."
"Stop reading me."
"But you're my favorite book."
Brendon Urie literally was at a lost for words because he was so lost in those hazel/brown eyes. For once, he was hypnotized. For once he let himself be. It was these little moments that he loved but kept to a minimum so he wouldn't be caught. He couldn't blow his cover. He promised himself he'd be stronger, harder to get through, cold as a stone wall. But even stone walls can be brought down.
"Touché, Ross." Desperate hands held the other pair of desperate hands. They found comfort in each other." Touché." Eyes were rolled, smiles were shared, eyes were met and lips were, too. The atmosphere was once again restored and the both of them were fucking laying in it like sleeping sheep on a grass plane."We need get going, Ry." He pulled away.
But Ross whined softly. He grazed the side of Brendon's face with ring adorning hands, eyes locked on the lips he needed to kiss once more. So he did."No. Little bit more."
As much as Brendon wanted to continue, he refrained with a smirk."It's getting dark out here and Rylen has said 'Hello' to the ducks over fifty times while we've talked. And I have to cook dinner too, Ryan-"
"We'll get some out!" Ryan exclaimed as he stole a kiss."Let him say 'Hello' fifty more times. I just wanna be like this with you before you flip on me again." At that point he'd wrapped his arms around the smaller's neck before he said anything more."I wanna stay with you at your place. Help you pack for tour, help you with Lyric, see if I can find a house wherever you want it and however you want it: I wanna be there. So let me."
"Ryan-"
"I'm not taking a no for a answer this time, Urie. I'm not gonna play this anymore. I respect that you're guarding yourself but I'm no threat. So let me do my job before you get angry an say I'm not there like I'm supposed to be, because you know you'll be wrong." His words were a ultimatum, but his touch on Brendon's skin was soft and welcoming as ever which confused the singer. How can a man he'd talked down and doubted so heavily still be so content to have him around?
"Don't go off on me again, please." Ryan tutted in literal fear." I don't wanna fight right now."
Brendon nodded on his shoulder with a cold breath."It's now or never." He said with such a low voice that even Ryan couldn't hear well. Good thing he was alert." I can't keep you out knowing I want you in. I also can't except you to not push in since it's what's right. I'm afraid to do it myself." Eyes looking elsewhere and arms limo by his side as Ryan hugged him as a form to comfort the two of them, he smiled some."That probably made no sense to you, I'm sorry."
"It was pretty clear to me. Don't apologize." He let go out of respect this time, and so Brendon could breathe because he feared he was holding the man too tight."I've been up nights waitin' wondering how you'd do it and waiting for you to actually set it into action. I guess I'm sorry for being pushy, but I want to be included in a family environment again. Or well..." The taller shrugged." For... the first time."
"Ry..." Brendon's heart hurt in his chest because he knew what Ryan meant and it literally destroyed him on the inside. In a way he now realized more in depth what Ryan has been feeling, and he fucking hated the way that he didn't see it before."Ive been depriving you of what's rightfully yours. Of a family. You've yet to have that in your life and I'm so, so fucking sorry, Ry. Oh god, I feel like actual shit."
He quickly looked over his shoulder to check on Rylen and saw the child sitting calmly with the ducklings, smiling and not caring for the world."I realize it now. I should've stopped being so stubborn - fuck, I... I'm-"
"Not your fault." Ryan sniffled lightly. It was admirable of him to still sport a smile after all of the spilled confessions and guts that had went on for the up-tenth time today."Last time I felt like I was part of and had a family was when I was in the band, yknow?" That dropped on Brendon's heart like a nuclear bomb.
He saw as Ryan wiped away his own tears with his bare knuckles but the smile never faded."I wasn't all that truthful about what I really felt and wanted, I guess. But it's you. The both of you. You're my only ones until I'm no longer on this earth. All this I'm saying is so fucking, like, cheesy but you both mean so, so much to me and I gotta let you know before something else courtesy of the universe is thrown at us."
Brendon nodded in understanding while suppressing the slight guilt and violent shaking of his jaw."I feel for you." He exclaimed as he reached out for Ryan's ring ridden hands. The two kinda laughed at the obvious desperation and sudden crave Brendon had for warm contact. Their laughs were happy sounding ones. So full of relief. Similar to the feeling of when you've got a cold and it's finally left your system so your lungs and nose aren't clogged any longer."So much."
Refreshing.
"And I feel for you so much, as well."
They broke their prolonged hug but kept their hands laced tightly, scared of letting go or having something that happen in that very moment that would break them apart. They've both been up nights, one thinking about the other way too much. Maybe it was both thinking about the other obsessively, or one suppressing thoughts of the other altogether. There was none of that now in Brendon's system. The chains had broken loose." Let's go home now."
"Okay." Ryan nodded instantly."I need to get clothes at my place later but let's go and get a bite." With a soft expression, Ryan lead the way to the car which Rylen still sat by with his duck friends."What about these guys?" The tall man referred to said feather friends as he scooped Lyric from the grass floor.
Brendon grinned, his eyes squinting together like they always did when he was overly enthusiastic or excited."I think we can add four more editions to our family. What do you think?"
Ryan matched his grin and he was pretty sure that his eyes were crinkled right about now like they did when he was overly enthusiastic or excited about something. The use of the words 'family' and 'our' in the same sentence nearly made him go into hysterics."Oh, for sure." He agreed." Maybe even another one of these?" He held up Rylen playfully and nudged Brendon's arm.
"Don't even think about it, Ross." The singer rolled his excited, squinted eyes.
With a increasing smile, his enthusiast crinkles intensified." Too late."
| End of Volume I: Baby Steps |