Author: AnneJunio1
Critics: dcmuch
Genre: Romance
Target Reader: 17-year-old and above
1. Cover – the font is classic but it fits the image simplicity. 'Scratching my shoulder' May sipa siya kaso Chicklit agad ang naiisip ko NOT for Romance.
2. Blurb - Personally, ngayon ko lang na-encounter sa blurb ang may numbering o enumeration. It really makes a BETA READERS snob your piece to one reason – excessive details/filler. Dahil nasimulan sa simplicity – extend it to your blurb. Simplify it by telling the three places then leave a hint. One sentence of explanation is enough. Why she just stayed with those places ONLY? Put some mystery, it doesn't mean na romance 'yan, panay kiligan nalang.
I'm pretty sure, you are aware of TAG-LISH disease?
Don't mixed up all together.😣 Ang sakit niya sa anit tanggapin. One more thing – those lines with red. Parang mas pasok ang NOT UNTIL. Tumalon kasi bigla kapag pinanatili mo sa ganyan. Try mo basahin ayon sa suhestiyon ko 🙃
3. Plot
a. Main Plot – Serious concept? Yes, I agree. Sustainable at nagkakasundo sila ng character at narration. Even scenes are realistic and believable. Parang ngang true to life at ang lakas maka-Pinas ng settings.
b. Sub plot – Chapter 1-12, swak pak sa bagsakan. You know while I'm reading your story I have this feeling – Jonaxx?😚 Ayiii – lalapad ang ngiti niya. It is pretty obvious that the author strictly followed her outline. Very good. 👍
c. Did the story keep my interest?
I will scrub this on the narration and Character. My answer is 70 over 30. Congrats, I want to know more of how Moira and Exel faced the upcoming circumstances. Isa-isa na kasing bumabagsak ang conflict.
You have the interesting conflict - hooker.
This is one of your strength. Kudos. 👍
4. Conflict
Internal Conflict
a. Hindi expressive si Moira ng nararamdaman.
b. Kabaligtaran ni Exel si Moira – nasobrahan naman sa kapal ng mukha at pagiging showy.
External Conflict
a. Misteryso sa nakaraan ni Moira.
b. Did Exel met Moira from the past?
c. Exel's Family
d. Moira's family
5. Setting
a. Locale: Philippines. Maynila – ukay-ukay, at tapsilogan. 😂
b. Mood and Atmosphere: Iyong gabing umuulan at saktong natanggal siya sa trabaho – heavy drama ang expectation ko rito. Iyong bang dapat maramdaman ng readers kung gaano kabigat nang pinagdaanan niya tapos umulan pa. Powerful pa naman 'yung pasok noong dialogue na 'Kung sana kinuha mo nalang ako' kinakausap niya ang maykapal niyan, hindi ba? Aigoo --- napapikit nalang ako sa kawalan. 😐😕 Sayang 'yung moment na 'yon.
6. Narration
a. Confusing Scenario whether past or present
Ilang beses kong binalikan 'yan dahil iniisip ko kung ano bang nag
-udyok kay Moira para maalala ang flashback. Tinutukan kong maigi kung ano ang nagpagulo. And I found out, it is the narration.
Please observe ang yellow line( present). Then the rest of blue are past. Kahit 'yung hindi naka-italic ay past. Observe further, maagang natapos ang trabaho ni Moira tapos biglang kuwento kung saang lugar, etc. Then on blue lines supported by the word 'NOON' means it is about from the past. Then here is the connected screen shot before telling the past story. A sudden scenario from the PAST.
Observe the blue lines. Filler. Redundant. Nakapaloob na kasi siya sa flashback. If you think important iyon – edi ipasok mo ang ideya na iyon sa flashback. Kasi kung ipipilit mo siya. Again redundant. Anticipated na 'yung flashback. Wala nang use si flashback kasi sinabi mo nang labis ang iyak niya noon. Anong iisipin ko? Naghiwalay nga e syempre iiyak nga naman talaga. What is the sense of flashback now, kung pinangunahan na? Mamili ka – alin ang tatanggalin. Iyong blue lines or 'yung flash back. 😅 Bibigyan kita ng sakit sa bangs.
b. Dry Read
Had you noticed? As much as possible for TPP omniscient – major challenge nito 'yung coverage ng mga character (Feelings, attitude and body language) ang lawak. Hindi puwedeng sinabi lang na lumuha. Well, dialogue can support this but again it cannot stand alone.
Express how hurtful it is. Since Moira is your protagonist – let your reader feels how it hurts. (Unli ako oh – how HURTFUL NGA RAW.) ☹
Aside sa conflict – isa rin ito sa mga tools para mag-improve ang character.
c. Flashback
You know what, hindi lang ito ang isa sa mga novel na nabasa kong inuulan sa flashback. Somehow, I do understood the flow but how you insert this specific flashback is confusing. Pilit kong inuunawa kung anong kaugnayan nang naunang scene sa flashback, kaso wala talaga. Kindly note when you insert about how Moira and Paula met. Puwede mo siyang sabihin na kagaya nalang nang minsang nagtiwala siya kay Paul na inaasahan niyang kagaya ng kay Friida.
Walang problemang maglagay ng flashback. Dipende kasi sa paggagamitan at importance nito. As long as it helps the plot answers some of the loopholes – attached it. Dipende rin sa concept, kung gaya nito ang nakaraan ang misteryo sa buhay niya. It's fine.
d. Technicalities
- ❌ Ipinarking ✔ Ipinarke
❌ tinext ✔ Nag-text
- Why it is question mark?
- Mixing English with Tagalog sentence. Off❌
- Iyong vs Ang
Sa paragprah na ito, 'ANG' dapat ang ginamit kaysa sa 'IYONG'.
e. Observe this Screenshot.
Those words with green line. Hindi siya nakakatulong sa bini-build up na description. Subukan mong tanggalin. Voila – perfect.
7. Characters - Consistent and distinct. Very good ka rito, kaso may mga gusto lang akong ipapuna.
a. Exel, how he speak.
Honestly, ilang beses akong kumukunot ng noo kapag ganyan siya magsalita. I don't mind if his cheat sheet is rich, handsome and spokening dollar or not. But, reading those punching lines from him makes me snort. Excuse me for the word – nababaklaan ako. Turn off! 😒
Tinawag niyang BITCH is Carmonita. Unang-una parehas first time nilang magkatagpo – kahit may ilang araw na silang magkausap ni Moira. Tatawagin niyang Bitch ang isang kaibigan nang dahil lang sa nakalimutan sa harap ni Moira – it's foul.
At agad siyang nag-alala kay Moira noong una nilang pagkikita. Base sa scenario na nagkakilala sa waiting shed, as far as I remember Moira act afraid with him.
b. Bruno – pistian 'tong hayop na 'to e. 😂😂 laki ng galit e no. Hanga rin ako sa kanya – hindi niya talaga ginahasa si Moira habang walang malay. Which is weird for me. Based on how he growled to Paula, he seems done with Moira. Realisation, ang isang lalaking alam mo 'yon, gustong mang-cubi nang walang malay or patay – titirahin ka niyan. Tapos sa paraan nang pananakit nito kay Moira... brutal siya. Tipong malalagutan talaga siya ng hininga. Please re-check this scene.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
You've join this critique hub to helps you improve your material, thanks for trusting us. But honestly, you are good writer based on what I read.
- Malinis ang pagkaka-narrate na kung hindi ko pa talaga ididilat ang mata ko ay hindi ko makikita ang problema at wala akong sasabihin sa critique ko.
- Technical are minimal. Kayang-kayang bilangin sa daliri, or baka namiss lang ni Author.
- About the flow – aside sa biglang flashback everything is fine with me. I just realize, maybe this is her technique.
- Ang pag-build up sa character, it is strategically amazing. Swabe ang pasok ng conflict. Kudos.
- Not past and also not slow pacing.
- Those mystery before each chapter ends – kudos – page turner.
What is my advice?
Start revising your blurb and change your cover, wala kasi siyang dating. As I have said – ang lakas maka-chicklit. At ang approach pa – sad. Who would dare to read a SAD ROMANCE?
Alam mo 'yung movie na the best of me. Gawin mo 'yon na inspiration, astig ng cover. Marami ritong magagaling na cover maker – pabalat.ph, try them.
And then remake your first chapter. First scene – ang dating kasi pinaulanan mo ng impormasyon ang mambabasa. Relax. Think of EXTRAVAGANT approach. Sample? Weee – di ko naman story 'yan 'no. Hahahaha . Kaya mo 'yan!
Good luck!
Dcmuch 💋