Helia measured her breaths carefully as she stepped into the Room of Requirement. She walked slowly over to the Slytherin door and pushed it open. Remus's name, along with all of the others, was scrawled onto the wall in blue marker. She raised her wand, suddenly wanting emptiness, wanting a blank canvas, wanting it to go away. "Scourgify!"
She watched with an impassive expression as the writing disappeared as if she had never written it there at all. It was only then that she allowed herself to breathe.
I did it. Every tie is cut. Okay, so technically he did it, but the net result is the same.
This is good.
I am glad.
I wanted this to happen.
But... But I can't help wondering why.
Why did you do it, Remus?
What did I do wrong?
I'm not sorry. You saved yourself, even if you don't know it.
Except.
Except I am sorry.
But you will never know.
And I will never tell.
This secret dies with me.
............................
Remus hadn't seen Helia in two weeks.
She didn't come to meals, skipped all the lessons she had with the Gryffindors, skipped most lessons in fact. He knew from Sirius talking to Lin that she was still around, but the Ravenclaw was only noticeable in Remus's life by her absence.
He didn't care.
He didn't want to see her.
And he definitely didn't constantly glance at the empty seat next to him in Defence Against the Dark Arts, absentmindedly turning to share a grin with someone that wasn't there. He wondered briefly if she was missing classes to avoid him, but according to Sirius, Lin said Helia seemed more preoccupied anyway, like she was working on something. Or she was figuring out what to do since her trading chip for a werewolf had dumped her. Or not dumped her. Since they were never even going out.
Remus dragged himself up to the Gryffindor dormitory early. There was nothing left to do. His homework was neatly ordered on his bedside table. His clothes were stacked in an organised way in his draws. There was nothing. He found himself withdrawing more and more from his friends these days, craving his own company, and (most days) hating even that. Sleep was his only remaining option.
Still, he found himself waking after only an hour. Glancing at the clock, the time he dreaded every single night was displayed clearly on the mockingly smug analogue face, the time he had trained his body to wake up for and couldn't seem to unprogram from his system. The Astronomy Tower seemed to shine like a beacon in the moonlight from where he could see it out the window, like it was just waiting for him to run up the stairs and meet a blue eyed girl under the stars. He was half dressed before he remembered that that wouldn't be happening anymore.
Happy eleven o'clock, everybody. He thought numbly and fell back into bed, rolling over and trying to command sleep into his mind.
.......................
Remus was having a staring contest with a packet of Owl Pops.
They had been passed down to him by Sirius before the other boy even thought. Remus always had Owl Pops for breakfast so it was a fair assumption that today would be no different. Remus didn't know why today was any different. Okay, sure, maybe Helia had repeatedly slipped a note into the cereal box, and maybe for about nine months he had felt the tension rise every time he tipped it just in case a slip of parchment would spill out into his bowl, and maybe he felt slightly empty at the prospect of all of that tension coming to nothing now, but none of that meant he missed her.
He was simply staring at the Owl Pops because he had never noticed the incredible orange colouring of the design, he was sure. Unfortunately the cereal box proved extremely good at staring contests, mainly due to the fact that it didn't have eyes and therefore would have found more of challenge if the game had actually involved blinking.
"Dude, you okay?" James was looking at him across the table, the puzzled tug of his eyebrows telling Remus that he had been watching him for quite some time.
"Yeah, sorry. Just... Lost in thought I guess." Remus shot James a quick grin and poured himself a bowl. It was expected, but it still left a pinch in his gut when there was no note.
Sirius, next to him, leaned over. "You've gotta get over her, Moony." He said quietly.
Fortunately, Remus didn't get the opportunity to answer. The girl in question practically danced into the room, stalling Remus mid-spoonful. The first thing he noticed with a shock of electricity was that her eyes were still the same deep blue. It took him another moment to realise that the two weeks had changed her. She definitely seemed thinner now, purple-blue bags hanging under her eyes, hair uncombed and running wild in a curly mess.
"Merlin." James muttered, and Remus could only find himself in agreement. "Is she... smiling?"
Remus looked again. He was so super-charge-shocked at seeing her again that he hadn't even had chance to register the giant grin plastered across her face, or the happy bounce in her step. She didn't even glance at Remus, and he couldn't pretend that didn't sting a bit. Instead, she carried herself over to the Ravenclaw table, where Bella, Jade and Lin looked just as surprised as Remus felt.
Remus was half stood before he realised what he was doing. Sirius pulled him back down by the elbow. Everyone was watching the famous statue of Hogwarts as she shed her stony exterior and grinned at Lin, who was watching her worriedly.
"I did it!" She cried, and the Hall was quiet enough in her presence that Remus could hear every word she said. "I did it!"
"We don't know what you're talking about." Jade was also looking concerned for her friend. "When was the last time you had something to eat?"
Helia shrugged, unbothered. She was swaying slightly on her feet. "Wednesday, I think."
Remus felt his stomach plummet. Today was Saturday.
"Merlin, Helia." Lin stood up, carefully waking toward the dark haired girl as if afraid she would run away, and from the manic look in Helia's eyes, Remus didn't blame her.
It was a good thing that Lin was there, because at that moment, Helia made eye contact with Remus, though from her vague expression, Remus doubted she could actually see him. It sent a spark through him regardless.
"Oops." Helia said, and then promptly collapsed into Lin, who stumbled, trying to catch her.
Helia didn't move.
............................
"Helia!"
Stones tumbled to the ground around her, narrowly avoiding her head, as Hogwarts fell apart. Jade was reaching through the smoke as it cleared, coughing soot out of her lungs. Helia grabbed the outstretched hand, and together they ran though the corridors which had somehow become unfamiliar and foreign. She could no longer sense the magic of the castle, crackling through the walls. It felt dead. A small part of her mourned for the loss of the historic building.
"Where's Lin?" she choked out.
"I don't know." Jade sounded lost. "Everyone... Everyone's gone and Lin was in the Hufflepuff dorms. Thank Merlin I found you."
"Everyone's gone?" Helia asked, words broken. "How is that possible?"
"How is any of this possible?" Jade said. They were gasping for breath by now as they ran. "I never thought Hogwarts could fall."
A familiar door loomed on their left and instinctively, Helia took it, a path her body had learned. Soon, they were pounding up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower.
"What happened?" She managed. She could sense Jade's fear, a tingling along her arms and nerves.
"Him." Jade spat. "Voldemort. He's here."
"Shit. Shit. Shit." Helia fought the urge to bang her head against the wall as the Tower rumbled. "What about the muggleborns? Evans? McKinnon?"
Jade shook her head. "Dead." The word was barely a whisper, pain palpable.
They burst out onto the roof. Stars wheeled overhead, seeming more useless than ever before.
"God." She leaned over the edge of the wall, feeling dizzy and scared and hollow.
"You know what you need to do now." Jade's voice over her shoulder sounded different. She turned to see a sliver of a smile on Jade's face. She pointed over the edge. "You jump."
And Helia was falling. Falling through stars.
Helia started upwards. She was in the hospital wing. It was dark, quiet sleeping noises and shuffling filling the night. She raised a hand to her face, blinking to clear the last remnants of the dream from her eyes. Keeping the same quiet nothingness about her movement as a snake, she slipped out of bed and padded out the door.
...................
James leaned against the pillar in the center of the enchanted staircase as the entryway to Dumbledore's office moved upwards. He gripped the file in his hands, eyes skipping over the names and faces: Nott, Malfoy, Lestrange. None were surprising, all were people he had known, all were now Death Eaters. He rubbed his eyes, as the stairs studdered to a halt. It was late, like twelve, or maybe one. He and Sirius had made the executive decision to give Remus the night off, and apparently they took at least twice as long as normal without him. Voices drifted under the door, and James stopped to listen because, hey, he wasn't going to fake nobility.
A small shudder past through him as he recognised Helia Blacksmith's voice, sounding more emotional than he had ever heard it, sounding angry.
"..You want me to do what?" She was shouting.
"We are not murderers here." Dumbledore's voice when he responded was cool and calm. Fuck yeah, Professor.
This only seemed to succeed in angering Blacksmith further. "But I am. I've been a murderer since before you dragged me off to this damn school. I've been a murderer since you sent your henchman after me and pulled me into a world where I don't fucking belong!"
"This is what we are working to do. To make sure people like you belong." Was the reply.
There was a frustrated noise that James assumed came from Helia. "Stop it! Stop pretending like you're the good side. You've already brainwashed every damn Gryffindor who walks through that fucking door. You aren't running a school, you're running a recruiting camp for your little mudblood army. Just looking for kids angry enough to fight and stupid enough to think they're invincible when they fucking aren't. "
I'm not a kid. James felt some of Helia's resentment infect him.
"Has the infamous Blacksmith girl finally confessed to caring about whether someone lives or dies? How ironic." Dumbledore didn't sound cruel, only offering a soft reminder of Helia's position.
"I know what it's like to kill. I know what it does to you." James suppressed a shudder at those words, imagining a future where he was a copy of Helia Blacksmith, emotionless and without humour. "They'd be better off dead than like me, and what does that tell you?" There was a pause where she obviously collected herself. Now she was as calm as the Headmaster, and James could sense a sting in her tone. "You know, everyone here hates me because I can hide my emotions, but the only person who hide them better than me is you, Professor. How's that for irony?"
"Do not try and blame the Order for your choice." Dumbledore said, coaxing Blacksmith into understanding.
"That's just it, isn't it?" James had to strain to hear her voice now. "It's not my choice. It has never been my choice. So happy fucking birthday, professor. You can tell me not to kill him all you want, but there is one werewolf who will not be seeing a new year."James scrabbled back as it became apparent that Blacksmith was reaching for the doorknob. He almost missed her next words. "I don't want to do this. But I have to. And I will. And you're stupid if you think you can stop me."
The door opened to allow Blacksmith exit. She took a breath to compose herself before noticing James. He swallowed, not sure how to respond after that outburst. Her eyes glossed over with ice and her back snapped up straight.
"Potter." She said stiffly, sweeping past him and descending the stairs before they even had chance to move.
James shook his head. He wasn't sure whether he should tell Moony about this.