He was quiet the whole drive on our way home. Hindi rin ako nagsalita because I'm equally annoyed too.
I wasn't planning on talking to him until tomorrow when we both have slept and thought about the happening tonight but before I opened the car door he stopped me to talk.
"I didn't want to say this in front of our friends but do you really have to do that?" He asked.
"Do what exactly?"
"Dance with Cedric."
Tumaas ang kilay ko. "Anong problema? We just danced. Walang masama sa pagsayaw. Sumayaw ka rin naman."
"Yes pero hindi ko siya hinawakan. Hindi ko nga gustong sumayaw. I wanted to go back and sit with you pero nakita ko nalang na sumama ka sa kanya."
"Kung ayaw mo pwede kang humindi. Say no, Liam. Mahirap bang humindi sa mga new friends mo?" Hindi ko mapigilan hindi mainis.
Pareho na kaming iritado. Siya iritado siya sa pag payag kong sumayaw kasama si Cedric at ako iritado dahil inaaccuse niya ako ng bagay na ginawa rin niya.
"It's about that again? Ilan beses ko ba dapat sabihin na wala akong ginagawa? We are just friends!"
"Kaibigan ko rin si Cedric! Anong masama?" I retorted.
"Because he is touching you and you let him!" He shouted.
He never loses his temper with me. Even when we're about to fight or I did something he didn't like, never niya akong sinigawan. Ngayon lang.
Tumahimik na ako at huminga ng malalim. Tumingin ako sa labas para hindi niya makita ang luha sa mata ko. Shit bakit ako naiiyak.
"You let him touch you and I don't like that, baby." Sabi niya ng mas mahinahon.
But it's too late because tears were already falling.
I wanted to say that we were just dancing and it means nothing to me. That touch is just a friendly one. He didn't touch me elsewhere aside from my arms and hands. Walang ibig sabihin iyon dahil hindi ko rin naman siya hahayaan hawakan ako kung hindi ako kumportable.
Isa pa hindi gagawin ni Cedric iyon dahil alam naman niya na girlfriend ako ng kaibigan niya.
Cedric is a friend and it does not mean anything. We just had fun is all.
Fine let's say thag Liam didn't touch the girl but the fact remains that he dance with her while I was there and I couldn't do the same. Medyo unfair naman ata iyon.
"I chose you, Liam. Cedric is just a friend." I said my voice cracking.
Matagal niya akong pinagmasdan at mariin siyang pumikit. "I know. Pero kung ginawa mo 'yun para gantihan ako, you don't have to do that. And Cedric, fuck Cedric! You're my girlfriend but he touch you like you're single."
"Wala siyang kinalaman dito. At least siya naisip niya ako. What did you want me to do? Umupo doon at panoorin ka buong gabi magsaya kasama ang mga kaibigan mo?" Marahas kong pinunasan ang luha ko.
"Hindi kita gustong iwan. I didn't want you to watch me! Babalikan kita pero nasa iba na ang atensyon mo. You didn't even glance at me while you're dancing because you're too busy laughing at something he said. Nagseselos ako, Flynne! Ano bang mahirap intindihin doon? Ang problema ko ayaw kong may ibang lalaking malapit sayo." Aniya.
He ran a hand through his hair out of frustration.
"Fine aaminin ko part of me did it because I want you to get jealous! I want to see if you care if I dance with him. Because the way I see it? Simula nang nakilala mo 'yang mga bagong kaibigan mo, halos nakalimutan mo na kami." I faced him and looked at him.
"What? Alam mong hindi ganon iyon. Kayo pa rin ang pipiliin ko. Ilan beses na ba natin 'to pinagusapan? Palagi nalang tayo ganito. Please, just understand. Sila ang kasama ko sa classroom araw araw. Expect me to be close to them too." He explained but I stopped hearing him long ago.
He's right. Paulit ulit nalang kami. Ang source ng argument namin palagi ay mga bago niyang kaibigan. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi niya magawang umayaw sa kanila. Lahat naman kami college student at may mga bago rin kaibigan pero ang kinikilalang kaibigan ko pa rin ay sila Tati at mga barkada niya.
"You're not the only one who is jealous. Nagseselos ako every time you mention them. Halos lahat sila babae. Nagseselos ako sa tuwing maririnig o makikita ko si Celine. How can you expect me to understand when that Celine. Celine na walang ginawa kung hindi dumikit sayo at landiin ka at ikaw naman binabewala mo lang lahat. Don't tell me it's nothing Liam. She can't stop looking at you." Sabi ko at nagsisimula nanaman akong maiyak.
Hinawakan niya ang mukha ko. "Baby, kailangan ko lang ay intindihin mo ako. This is hard for me too. Ayaw kong nakikipagaway sayo. Pero palagi nalang tayong nagaaway dahil hindi mo naiintidihan."
Palagi nalang ako ang hindi nakakaintindi. But does he understand where I'm coming from? Siya nalang palagi ang kailangan kong intindihin bakit hindi naman ako ang intindihin niya?
Umiling ako, "You have to understand me too. Hindi ako nakikipagaway dahil gusto ko. Ayaw ko rin nagaaway tayo pero hindi mo rin ako naiintindihan. And honestly hindi ko na rin alam ang sasabihin ko."
"Baby," He started but I pulled away from his touch.
I'm done for tonight. Wala naman mapupuntahan 'tong usapan na 'to.
"Alam mo, ayaw ko nang pagusapan. Gusto ko nang matulog. Go, doon ka na sa mga kaibigan mo. Bahala ka na. Tutal hindi naman kita maintindihan pero baka sila maintindihan ka nila. Sila ang kausapin mo kung gusto mo ng kausap. I don't want to talk anymore."
Bumaba na ako at pumasok ng bahay. Bahala siya kung ayaw niyang umuwi basta ako tapos na ako. Ayaw ko nang makipagusap.
He texted me after that at tinignan ko lang ang message niya at hindi nagreply. I just laid down in bed and cried until nothing comes out anymore.
The next morning I woke up with swollen eyes. Habang naghahanda akong papasok ng school ay hindi ko ni isang beses tinignan ang phone ko.
Paglabas ko ng gate ay napatigil ako dahil nakahinto ang kotse niya sa tapat.
Sumakay nalang ako at tumingin sa labas. When he realized that I'm not saying anything he sighed.
"Hindi ka nagrereply sa mga texts ko kaya pinuntahan kita."
Tumango lang ako.
"I'm sorry."
Tumango ako ulit.
"I've thought about what you said and you're right. Sorry kung ganon ang pinaramdam ko sayo. I love you. I want you to know that you're the only girl I want. Wala nang iba. Ikaw lang."
"Sorry rin." I said after a moment. "Bati na tayo."
Pagkarating namin sa school hininto niya muna sa tabi dahil medyo maaga pa naman. Tinignan niya ako at alam kong halata ang namamaga kong mata lero hinayaan ko siyang tumingin.
"Okay ka lang?" Tanong niya.
Then he pulled my face and kissed my forehead. "Sorry."
His thumb brushed my eyes and I felt him kiss it too. Then lastly he kissed my lips. "I love you, baby."
I opened my eyes and take him in too. Puyat rin siya pero pinuntahan niya ako sa bahay para ihatid sa school at magsorry kahit na mamaya pa ang pasok niya. It's always so easy to forgive him.
"I love you too." I murmered.
"Sunduin kita mamaya." Sabi niya at tumango lang ako.
Days passed and we went back to being okay. I can feel the effort he put in in our relationship pero ako hindi ko alam. After all of our fights, something in me changed.
Mahal ko pa rin siya pero parang hindi na ako 'yung high school version na Flynne.
Madalas pa rin ang pagsama sama niya sa kanila at wala na akong sinasabi. I don't pick fights with him anymore regarding that matter.
Nakapagdesisyon na ako. We're still continuing this relationship but I will not care as much anymore.
Pagod na ako na palagi nalang ako ang nageeffort. Gusto niyang intindihin ko siya edi sige. Hindi ko na siya itetext kung anong ginagawa niya at nasaan siya. Wherever he is with his new found friends wala na ako doon.
If he want to tell me okay pero kung ayaw niya then it's fine too.
"Say something." Aniya.
"Anong sasabihin ko? Wala akong masabi."
He sighed. "Akala ko okay na tayo?"
"Okay tayo. Hindi ba tayo okay?"
He let out a breath. "Anong problema? Hindi ka naman dating tahimik ah."
"Bawal na ba ako maging tahimik ngayon? Wala akong problema, Liam. Okay tayo." Sagot ko.
Okay naman talaga kami. Wala lang akong masabi dahil wala naman akong ikekwento sa kanya. Wala naman special na nangyari sa school ngayon. Just the usual lecture-copy notes-dismissal.
"Okay."