I remember a lot of things.
I remember how everything used to be before Twenty One Pilots. It was weird but simpler and complex at the same time, and even though I don't remember exactly how everything was, I have managed to become a different person. A happier person. I was so glad I had Tyler by my side, and I felt like he was a key that allowed me to change, to overcome myself.
It's amazing how much a person can influence your life, that when you lost them you don't know what to grip. It's like swimming away from the coast and then feeling like you're going to drown but it's too late, you can't go back to the coast because way too far into the water.
Okay, Tyler's not dead, but it feels like he just left us. Like he left me. The person I saw today at the hospital wasn't Tyler, he was an empty chest, a projection. He wasn't my Tyler.
I remember running away from him, colliding against a wall, crying my eyes out like a little kid that had just lost his mother at the supermarket. I remember everyone's eyes locked on me, the soft grip of Mark's hand against my shoulder, and Tyler's family shooting me glances that said "We warned you, boy". A complete deja vu, if you ask.
Now I'm back to the hotel room, with no enough strength to keep crying, kind of drained and tired and with the desire of burying my face on a pillow and sleep and drift away from everyone and everything.
And that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I slept for hours and woke up screaming or shivering or something and then went back to sleep and I felt like a whole year has slipped from my fingers and I have wasted time sleeping. But it doesn't matter.
This is the fourth time I have woken up, and I'm already tired of sleeping. Ironic, right? I'm staring at the ceiling of the hotel room, and I wonder how many people have been through what we all are going through, how many people have felt broken and desperate when a person they love has woken up from a long, heavy sleep and his or her mind has erased every memory from them. If you're wondering how this feels just imagine being expelled from your life and being thrown into a dark abyss and falling and disappearing. Or maybe it feels different, maybe is different for everyone. And that's what makes us really interesting in our own way.
I close my eyes and try to think about all of those emotions surfacing my mind, those feeling filling my chest and stabbing my throat, and I realize it's nice to have them. Yes, it hurts, but it's better than having none. Even the empty spaces I have right now feel good. Maybe I will drift into another sleep if I keep thinking about things that make total nonsense. Or maybe not, and I will keep wondering what's the best thing about feeling miserable.
"Josh?" I hear a voice outside my room. "Josh, are you awake?"
I groan softly and open my eyes. I don't want to answer, maybe they will think I'm asleep and will go away, but then I realize that's super rude.
But it doesn't matter.
"Josh," The same voice says my name again and I realize it's Mark. "I swear if you're avoiding me-" He sighs and I feel bad for a second. "listen, I can't sleep. I need to talk to someone really bad. But I understand if you're asleep, I really do. Jesus, I don't know if you're listening or not but please. I-" He hesitates again. "You know what? Never mind."
I stand up and almost fall down to the floor. I crawl to the door, stand up again, and open it. The brightness from outside makes my eyes burn so bad, I already got used to the darkness of the room since the moment I pulled the curtains closed. But my eyes adjust rapidly to the figure in front of me.
Mark's hair is messier and is wearing the simplest piece of clothing I have ever seen on him: an old, ripped tee, a pair of pants and Crocs. Crocs, I swear to God.
"Dude," I stick my tongue out. "what time is it?"
Mark takes his phone out and frowns at me, clearly not expecting me to ask him that question. "3 am."
I lean against the doorframe, scratching the hell out of my eyes. I'm still super tired, though, but Mark has been there for me when everyone else has been thrashing me around and blaming me for Tyler's accident (and yes, I'm talking about Zach), so I have to be there for him too.
My companion rubs his head. "Do you wanna walk around for a while? This hotel has some nice places to visit."
I look down to the clothes I'm wearing. I didn't realize that I went to sleep with the same clothes Mark had given me this morning. They look wrinkled and messy, but who cares; it's 1 am, is not like everyone would care to see me like this.
I nod and then yawn. That's enough gesture for Mark to let out a long, reliving breath and then take my arm and drag me out pf the hotel room. But then he stops and stares at me with big, confused eyes.
"Wait, did you take your card with you?"
I snort. "Yes, of course. I slept with the card in my pocket. I'm an intelligent human being." I pat my left pocket just to show off and feel something inside it. I take out the unknown object and realize it's the card. Apparently I slept with the card in my pocket. "Oh, wait a second."
Marks laughs - the happiest laugh I have heard today - and puts an arm around my neck.
"You're a mess." He says and snorts so loud I laugh with him. "But let's get moving."
I lean over to close the door from my room and we both walk across the big, illuminated hall that still makes my eyes burn.
~
I never realized how pretty this hotel was.
It is an street hotel, a one-night stay if you think of it that way, but it looks like something that came out from an action movie. Tyler and I didn't have time to observe the thick, soft amber walls and the red-colored carpet when we first arrived here just because we were tired and preferred to chat inside a hotel room than outside, but I'm sure Mark and the crew had a lot of time to tour around at least three times, considering the hotel is not that big inside.
But as soon as Mark took me to a little illuminated room that lead to a big outdoors garden I understood why they all wanted to stay. The garden is one of the two hundred I didn't notice this hotel had, and when I first saw it I had to catch my breath: under the night sky, an army of deep green bushes and tall trees with bright-colored followers surrounded us like something that came out of Alice In Wonderland, and the more you walked through them the more you felt the silence and peace flowing through your veins. The best part of it was the fairy lights tangled to the bushes. Apart from them, there was no other source of lighting coming from anywhere but the inside of the hotel.
"Dude," Mark said, noticing my bewilderedness. "close your mouth or otherwise an insect will fly through it."
I shot him an "Are you serious?" glance and he giggles. We pass through the fairy lights, feeling the heat slapping my face. I have lost track of time already, but I suppose we are in spring or something because it's impossible to see something this beautiful in any other season. I raise my head and for a second I feel disappointed that the night sky is not full of stars, but some pretty white clouds stain it as it was an empty canvas waiting to be colored. I look at Mark follow his gaze. In front of us, not so far away, there's a pool.
I wonder in what other ways can this hotel surprise me. We walk towards the peaceful pool, which has some underwater lights turned on and is even easier to see with these than with the fairy lights, and for a moment I feel relieved. I see Mark sit down by the edge of the pool, take out his Crocs and put his feet in the water. He smirks at me and shake my head.
"You're going to freeze." I say, even though is not cold.
Mark laughs and says something under his breath. I understand the word "pussy" and that's enough to make me to snort.
"I see not sleeping gave you a sense of humor." Without hesitating, I do the same thing as Mark and put my feet on the freezing cold water.
"And sleeping took yours away." Mark takes out his phone and checks the hours once again.
We laugh again and stay in silence again. I sigh and wait for Mark to say something but he stares at his feet and I copy him. Is it me or he look paler than before. I suppose the reflection of the lights gives him that aspect, but he look different somehow. Like Jenna. Like me.
"Mark." I say and he jumps. "You wanted to tell me something?"
Mark bites his lip. "No, I just needed some company. That's all."
"You're lying." I spat as serious as I can. "If you wanted company you could have woken up someone else from the crew." Before he can say anything I add: "Plus, we both know what happened today is worth talking about."
"I'm not forcing you if you don't want to, so I prefer not to talk." He shrugs. "But yes, I have something to say. I'm waiting for the perfect moment to say it."
"Let that moment be now."
"Uh, no."
"Why not?"
"Because is complicated." He slowly gets away from me and I realize I'm being rude. "Are you mentally prepared for anything right now?"
Haha, no. My mind goes on.
"Yes." I say without hesitating.
Mark takes out his feet and little water drops splash everywhere. He stands up and walks around me to dry off his feet. So much silence is making my head dizzy.
"I didn't saw Tyler." He says and his voice is as sharp as knife. "I knew he wouldn't recognize me so I said to myself: 'why bother?' So I went over Jenna - minutes after you left - and asked her what were her plans, and she explained to me that hopefully they will move back to their house or his parents will take him back to Ohio, depending on who recognizes the most." He sits down again but his feet remain on the edge. "All of these may sound confusing to you, but the three of them have the right to take care of Tyler while he recovers, so is their responsibility to decide."
A responsibility I don't have. I say to myself.
"And what about you?" I say, my voice barely a whisper.
"I have to go back to the road. I have other projects too, you know." He winks but I don't find that funny nor anything. "Anyway, Josh, you have to promise me something before I continue. Promise me you won't freak out."
I nod, confusion striking my face.
"Jenna told me you're completely out of this plan." He pauses, waiting for my reaction. My face stays still but I feel the urge to laugh out loud. Very loud. "Zack doesn't want you near Tyler, at least not while he has memory loss."
I SWEAR to God, Zack Joseph.
"Let me guess." I say, rage blinding me. "He hates me because I 'had a fight with Tyler'. What an immature, little sh-"
"Josh, don't freak out." Mark spats. "He's just upset you let Tyler down. You know how overprotective those two are with each other."
Okay, point. I would behave the same if somebody hurt any of my sisters, but Zack's crossed the line. It hurts to think about all that garbage that Zack has said about me to Tyler, because I'm sure he has. It hurts to know that not even Jenna wants me there with them.
It hurts, and it hurts bad.
"Listen," Mark takes a deep breath. "you can talk to Jenna if you have any doubts, but I'm just their messenger." He emphasis the word 'messenger' and I realize he didn't want to refer to himself as that. "As soon as Tyler has enough strength to move they will go away."
I try to pretend I don't care where they're going, but I care. I need to see Tyler, or I swear guilt will eat me up. But instead of fighting I nod at Mark and he understand that I understand. He stands up and hesitates before walking away.
"Josh," He turns away. "please promise me you won't do anything stupid."
I smirk at him. Of course I'm doing something stupid. "Promise."
Mark nods and drifts away. I meditate about what he just said to me and let out a deep breath. I need Tyler, I need him so I can prove my mistakes can be fixed; but there's only one way to do that, and I know exactly what I'm going to do.
I look down at the water and then at my clothes, and I think about how nice it would be to float on the surface, staring at the night sky, with no thoughts in mind. I think about how nice it would be if water could fix things, if it could change me, if it could make me a better person for the Josephs.
While I think about this I stand up - not caring about my clothes - and jump into the pool, letting the freezing cold water grab my body and raise me up into the night sky.