TW: Physical/mental/sexual abuse lead up to self harm I'll put this: # at the start and end of those scenes...
IDK I am not in the most stable place mentally and my next few chapters are probably going to reflect that because writing is the best medicine. Basically this is going to be depressing af because I'm depressing af. But you know what so was Hamlet and that's where "To be or not to be" is from so here. I'll probably come back and make a less depressing chapter to replace it when I'm less agh in my mind.
**********
After sharing a slice of apple pie (they couldn't afford two because Cas suspiciously lost all the money he had in his trench coat pocket *glares at the three girls with them*), Cas' choice because Dean couldn't just decide he needed to think really hard about the decision (*cough* same... about everything...), and Cas asking Meg to check out his book, Dean and Cas left the bookstore.
They decided to look around the mall more. Dean had never really been there. It wasn't his thing, though he kept stopping at a little kiosk that sold adorable fuzzy stuffed animals. Dean especially liked the owl because it reminded him of Hedwig from Harry Potter (yes, Dean is a Potterhead shut up, jerk!), and he never quite forgave the *cough*evil*cough* author for killing her off. And Cas, being the observant S.O.B. he is, noticed this (not the Hedwig part but Dean's interest in the owl (warning you might hate me for this next part of the parentheses...) because Cas has never seen the movies or read the books (but he swears he'll get to them as soon as he's finished with everything else that is in his to read list that has a shorter series) (please don't kill me)).
***
Cas got home a little later than usual that night.
As soon as he walked through the door he was surrounded by the familiar sounds of his "parents" arguing. They weren't actually his or his brother's parents. He was adopted. As was Gabriel.
Cas noticed Gabe sitting on the stairs watching the argument going on below.
Cas slipped off his trench coat and hung it on one of the hooks next to the door. He slowly walks to join Gabe on the stairs.
"Hey," Cas says.
"Hi."
Cas sits a couple of stairs below Gabe. "What are they arguing about this time?"
"Well she found my um..."
"Gabe?"
"She found my Wattpad account and kind of looked at what I was writing and reading..."
"What exactly have you been reading and writing?"
"Let's just say that the Johnlock and Drarry fanfictions I read were not smutty before I found Wattpad."
"So they're arguing because she found out you were reading gay smut?"
"It's more the gay part I think. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm gay now."
"But you are. Well pansexual but--"
"But still attracted to guys. Especially small Moose in Trainings." (if Justin or Des read this I totally meant it from your guys' povs (hahaha no I didn't))
"Moose in training?"
Gabe sighs. "Sam. I mean Sam."
"Ah, gotcha."
"Wait, they're arguing because she thinks you're gay?"
"No, that's what started it. Now I'm not entirely sure what they're arguing about."
"I'm going to bed!" he screams at her. "I don't need to deal with anymore of your shit tonight."
Gabe and Cas quickly run upstairs so he doesn't see them.
"Castiel," she yells, "get your ass down here this minute!"
Gabe looks at Cas like he wishes he could take his place.
"I'm older Gabe. I wouldn't let you take my place and you shouldn't wish you could."
People often forget that women are just as capable of abuse as men.
Cas would never forget that fact.
Cas walks down the stairs, most of his usual confidence gone as soon as he hits the last step.
"Yes ma'am?" he says standing in front of her.
###
"Did you think that just because your father and I were having a little disagreement I wouldn't notice you coming home late?"
"I--"
"What time are you supposed to get home?"
"Nine o'clock."
"So at least you know that you were wrong. Now, what time did you come home tonight?"
"Nine fourty-five."
"Yes. Do you know what happens to people who are late?"
"Bad things?"
"Yes, very bad things. You need to learn that now so when you're out there in the world on your own you know not to be late." She walks over to a closet. She opens the door and grabs something from inside. Then she walks over to the coffee table and picks up a cup, downing the rest of the contents which obviously contain alchohol. She turns back to Cas. "Turn around, on your knees, shirt off."
Cas did as he was told and faced the staircase sitting on his knees with his shirt next to him. He looks up to see Gabriel watching the events going on in the room.
Gabe's eyes look over Cas' scarred skin.
"Please Gabe, look away," Cas whispers looking down at the floor.
Gabe doesn't look away until the first time the belt hits Cas' back.
"You listen to me when I tell you to get home by nine o'clock. You don't make the rules in your life. You have no control until you fight for it. You have to win control of your life in the real world and no one is going to take it easy on you. Don't think that for one second. I'm preparing you."
The belt hits Cas on the back four times.
Gabriel can see tears falling down Cas' face.
The belt hits him once again.
"You are no one--"
###
Gabe can't stand hearing or seeing anymore.
He runs upstairs crying, wishing he could do something to help. They always make both Cas and Gabe leave their cell phones on the kitchen table and the only other phone is in that room where she and Cas are right now. There was no way he could reach a phone without her seeing which would just make it worse for both him and Cas.
***
Gabe lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. He hears the sound of Cas' door opening then closing then the sound of his own door opening.
He sits up and squints into the darkness.
"Cas?" he asks.
"No, baby, it's not Castiel," she says stepping into the room and closing the door. She slowly walks over to his bed and sits next to him. She runs her hands through his hair. "I love you both, you know that right?"
No. "Yes."
"What I do to Cas is for his own good. He needs to learn that rules and cerfews and deadlines aren't just suggestions."
So you show him by hurting him? "I know."
"I know that you would never break any of our rules. You're always home on time. You're a good boy."
He nods.
###
She slowly places her hand on his stomach and rubs small circles around it.
He feels her hand get closer to the elastic in the shorts he's wearing.
"Can I?" she asks.
She's not actually asking for his permission just trying to make him think he is in control to start and stop the whole thing. He knows he's not. He knows that if he says no she'll just do it anyway. So...
"Yes."
Her hand moves under the fabric.
He tenses as he feels her hand grab it.
She moves farther down on the bed and pulls his shorts down. She gently starts moving her hand up and down.
It makes him feel horrible every time.
Her mouth goes around it.
He quickly wipes tears from his eyes befor she sees.
She continues doing this.
It makes him feel worthless and powerless and like this is all he's good for. And he doesnt like it. But he can't tell her to stop because he is fucking powerless!
###
Nobody needs to know, he thinks.
***
Cas turns on the flashlight and reaches behind his headboard and pulls out a dark brown wooden box. He opens it.
###
He pulls out the crumpled up paper towel, the metal inside poking his hand as he sets the ball on his mattress. He carefully unfold the paper towel.
Inside are five different blades, three from a razor and two from pencil sharpeners.
He picks up one of the razor blades. It's cut a little shorter because it had been a while since he had taken apart a razor and it wasn't his best job.
He observes the blade for a second.
He winces at the feeling of the blade being pushed into his wrist for the first time in a while.
To Be Continued...
**********
If I'm in another "meh" mood anytime soon.
Sorry about this depressing af piece of crap. I'm not feeling very much better but it worked a little bit. Though it also brought forward some memories I would rather not think about right now but whatever. I promise I'll be safe blah blah blah blah. Whatever I need to tell you so you won't DM me freaking out about my safety.
Oh, also if you give me crap for making Hamilton references in the middle of such a depressing thing I will literally block you because I didn't actually write it for you I just made it semi fit in with the story because apparently the only time I can write forever is when I'm writing depressing suicidal stuff and if I want to put Hamilton references in there to help me feel better, that's my fucking choice.
But seriously I'll be fine I promise.
Au Revoir!
~Atlas🎭