Hi guys, I don't usually do this but I'm updating from my phone. Sorry for any formatting issues, this is new for me as I always update on my laptop. I'll check it out over the weekend and fix any issues. Also sorry for the delay. I hope this chapter makes up for lost time. Remember to vote and comment. Enjoy!
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I'm going to murder Jamie. What the hell gave him this idea?
It's been three weeks since his so called 'ingenious' plan. Mind you, he is the one who calls it ingenious. Personally I think it's the stupidest plan ever. You will never in a million years guess what it is. Wait for it...
He's going to give us a baby. Yes you heard right.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And the million dollar question is: how is he going to do it? Well, it turns out one of his one night stands is up the duff. She doesn't want the baby and neither does he. Not wanting to abort it, she has decided to give it up for adoption. His plan involves us adopting it and claiming it as our own. Can you believe it? He wants Russell and I to adopt his bastard child.
Oh and don't forget this is without Mr and Mrs Fellows knowing anything about it. Around the time I'm supposed to 'start showing' I will have to wear a fake pregnancy belly when I'm around the family. When the baby is born, Jamie will forge the birth certificate documents then if Mr and Mrs Fellows demand a DNA test he will forge that too.
How did it get to this? All I wanted was a bit of fun. Is this my punishment? Is Jamie purposely making my life a living hell because of what I'm doing? I haven't been able to ask him because ever since that night he's been avoiding me. Or have I been avoiding him? Either way we're avoiding each other.
There is an upside to this. I still got my wedding gifts. My god they are beautiful things. As insane as Russell's family is, they certainly know how to give good gifts. Everything I got had a brand name. They're now sitting in my spare room at my unit. If I'm ever angry at Jamie, which has been frequently in recent days, I just stand in the room for a few minutes and a sense of calm washes over me.
The other upside is Russell. He's such an amazing guy and I find myself wanting to be around him. We've become really good friends but there is definitely no spark there. He's like the brother I never had. He hates the idea of the baby too but while we have no other way out of it, we have to go along with it. His family was surprisingly forgiving about his outburst and happily accepted him back once he agreed to their terms.
On the quiet though, he told me he was going to read through the family contract with a fine tooth comb and see if there was any way out. He hasn't said anything to me yet so I'm presuming there's nothing. Either that or he just hasn't had time to go through the whole thing. I hope he finds something soon because I really don't want to adopt a baby. It will ruin my plans of only hanging around for a year.
There is another downside though. I haven't had time in the last three weeks to even consider my next marriage. And you know what? One part of me doesn't want to. These issues with Russell have tainted it. What should have been a little bit of 'harmless' fun has turned into a nightmare. When I start to think seriously about stopping, I break out into a cold sweat. Thoughts of Marcus invade my mind and my heart breaks all over again. I then realise I can't stop.
With a deep sigh, I flop back onto my bed and close my eyes. My insides are churning and waves of doubt keep coursing through me. I don't know what to do and I feel so uptight. Life was never meant to get this complicated. How hard is it to settle down with that one person? For me, obviously it's impossible.
Opening my eyes again, I stare up at the ceiling and breathe out a large sigh. Out of nowhere, tears burn my eyes and I blink a couple of times to control them. I don't want to cry, I need to be in control. I chose to do this and I can't stop now. The stupid thing is, when it's working fine, it does what it should...it keeps my mind off Marcus. But when it's not working, like now, I'm a mess.
It's Friday night and thoughts of hitting the town run through my mind but I can't bear the thought. What if I bump into Marcus? Or even worse Gregory? He's kept his distance but I fear it'll only be a matter of time before he contacts me.
Actually now that I think about it, I'm surprised he hasn't talked to Mum. Those two always got on well. If he had she certainly would have called by now demanding what was going on.
Thoughts Mum has me sitting upright, my head spinning slightly from the sudden movement. How long has it been since I've seen her or Carly? I place my hand in my hands and use my fingers to massage my scalp. This relaxes me somewhat and my mind clears enough to realise I haven't seen them since I married Gregory. Lifting my head again, a rush of guilt washes over me. We've text back and forth a few times and talked on the phone but that's it.
Standing up, I know how I need to spend on my Friday night. It's only just after five thirty so maybe I can enjoy Mum's famous Friday night roast. It's always been a family tradition to have a roast on Friday. As I change out of my work clothes and into a pair of jeans and a tee, I realise how much I miss my Mum. I feel bad for being such a stranger. Besides, it's time they knew about Gregory and me.
As I walk out the door, I send mum a quick text to tell her I'm on my way and to include me in the dinner. She always cooks more than she needs but I want to make sure she knows I'll be there. After all, I'm a sucker for Yorkshire puddings.
I unlock the car door then open it. I have one leg in the foot well and the other still on the ground when I hear someone call my name. I don't recognise the voice immediately so I turn around. The late afternoon sun is in my eyes so I squint to see better. When I see a pudgy silhouette coming toward me my heart drops.
He comes into my vision and I freeze from shock, suddenly losing all ability to talk. I purposely didn't go out in fear of bumping into him and now he's here. A feeling of dread appears in my stomach. I've always known there was a possibility he'd show up but after three weeks, I was hoping he really had listened.
"Hello Teresa," Gregory greets with a sad smile.
My heart slams against my ribcage and I stare at him in shock. The first thing I notice is the bags under his eyes, like he hasn't slept for three weeks. His hair is messy, in desperate need of a cut, and his clothes are crumpled. Overall he looks a right old mess. Realisation hits me with full force and a wave of guilt washes over me.
It's my fault he's like this.
I finally find my voice. "Gregory, what are you doing here?"
The sad smile disappears and his face drops. It's only when I see the tears form in his eyes that I realise he's about to break down. The first tear slides down his cheek and my heart breaks. I can't believe I've done this to him. He's the only man who genuinely loved me for me. I should have backed out of the wedding; I shouldn't have led him on for six months.
"I miss you," Gregory says in a choked up voice. "I've tried to do what you asked and not contact you but..." he trails off and looks up at me. "I can't be away from you, Teresa. Despite everything, I still love you and I want to be with you."
Oh god.
The tears I tried to control earlier come back with force. A lump has formed in my throat from holding them back and I have to swallow hard to rid of it. Knowing I can't lead him anymore on I say in a soft voice, "But I don't love you."
Another tear slides down his cheek, followed by another and soon enough he's a blubbering mess. This isn't helping the way I feel. Guilt is eating away at me and all I want to do is sit down and cry. How could I have done this to him?
Closing my car door, I then take him gently by the arm and lead him over to the porch where we sit on a bench. I don't know how to make him feel better. I can't console him in fear he'll get the wrong idea and to be honest, I have no idea how to console a man. I'm not used to men breaking down so easily.
When he's had a good cry, he blows his nose then he looks up at me with pleading eyes. "That doesn't matter," he says with a sudden confidence. "I know this is selfish, Teresa but I need you. It doesn't have to be about love or sex or any of that rubbish. Why can't we just be two people living together? I'll do everything for you, I'll devote my life to you, buy you everything you want and need, take you on holidays...I'll do anything as long as it means I can be with you."
My heart is pounding a thousand miles an hour. Gregory would be willing to do anything to be with me. No man has ever said that before. No man has loved me enough. For a split second I almost say yes, it's all so tempting. If I say I want to go to Paris, he'll do it. If I say want to go on a world trip in first class, he'd do it. I know Gregory, I know he would follow through with it.
It's this knowledge that makes up my mind.
Shaking my head, I take Gregory's hands and look at him in the eyes. "Gregory, will you listen to yourself? How is that fair? You'd be living in a loveless marriage, spending all your money on someone who doesn't love you back...you'd be miserable."
He shakes his head vehemently. "No I wouldn't, I'd be so happy just having you nearby. To be able to tell people you're my wife is my idea of perfection. They don't need to know you don't love me. I know I'd be able to make you happy. If I give you everything you ever wanted, you would be happy, I know you would."
Would I?
The pleading look Gregory gives me almost has me caving in. After all the six months I spent with him weren't that bad. He showered me with gifts, treated me well and put up with me. Okay so I was unhappy because I didn't love him but what's so important about that?
I'm stumbled by this question. Since when was I willing to give up love for material things? I've always wanted to fall in love, marry and have children. I can't change that now because of a few material possessions.
Like a tidal wave I'm reminded once again why this addiction can't continue. Once upon a time I believed material possessions would fix everything. That's why this obsession with wedding gifts happened in the first place. It was a stopgap. I was heartbroken and they were an outlet, a means to be happy. Getting the things I loved made me happy and made me feel loved.
It was the feeling of being loved and being in love I missed most. Marcus stole that from me. It ripped my confidence to pieces, to the point that I felt I would never be loved or in love again.
Suddenly my rational thinking of why I can't continue this addiction disappears. I then realise why I can't stop it. Having these thoughts and feelings of Marcus and what he ripped away kills me every time. This is exactly why I've been in so much conflict lately.
Bloody Marcus.
So, now that it's being offered to me on a platter, why don't I want it?
I'm stumbled again. I can't seem to figure my brain out. It should be simple, right?
Obviously my internal struggle has gone on too long because I can see a glimmer of hope in Gregory's eyes. He knows I'm considering it. Oh god, I can't do this to him again, I just can't.
Think Teresa, why don't you want what Gregory is offering to you?
Closing my eyes for a second, I let my mind drift to happier times. Marcus and I walking along the beach hand in hand. Cooking dinner together and having food fights. Arguing over which movie to watch. I would always win then we'd snuggle up on the couch and he would always enjoy my chosen chick flick.
Opening my eyes again, a small smile graces my lips. It's those small things I miss so much and you only get them when you're happy with someone. Suddenly I realise exactly why I'm hesitant about his offer. One day I want to love someone and I want them to love me back. This obsession needs to continue until I find that certain someone.
With a clear mind I finally say, "I may be happy materially but I won't be happy in any other way. I need to love someone too, Gregory. I can't be in a loveless marriage. If I have to die a spinster then I will but I can't be showered with material things and miss out on what's important."
The hopeful look in Gregory's eyes disappears and he looks crestfallen. I feel terrible for saying no but I know I'm doing the right thing. Finally he nods knowingly and I know I've finally got through to him.
"That's why you had to leave isn't it?" he asks.
I nod and look away. I can't believe I never realised this before. It makes sense but my mind was always so clouded I missed the obvious signs. Marcus didn't love me but I loved him. Gregory loves me but I don't love him. I've never had a relationship where we both love each other. Well perhaps Marcus at one point but it didn't last.
The wedding gifts are a reminder of what it's like to be loved. It's why I wanted them and still want them. Because it feels like I'm in love. One day when I find 'the one' perhaps I'll be able to find a way to stop. Right now I don't think I can.
"I'm sorry," I finally whisper. Looking back up at Gregory I see him staring wistfully at nothing.
He turns to look at me and smiles a genuine, albeit small, smile. It doesn't reach his eyes but it's not as sad as a few minutes earlier. "Don't be sorry," he says. "I'm just sorry I made a fool of myself."
He forces a laugh but it falls flat. He's finding this hard, I know that.
"You didn't make a fool of yourself," I say. We are silent for a moment then I say, "I wish I could make this better for you, Gregory. You're such a good man and I wish I did love you because you'd make a perfect husband for someone. But sadly we weren't meant to be." I release a heavy sigh. "I'm just sorry it ended up like this. I'm sorry I didn't tell you at the time. I'm-"
Gregory cuts me off, "Please don't be sorry, Teresa. There's other fish in the sea and all that, right?"
I look across at him and we share a smile. "Yeah I suppose so."
He stands up and starts to walk away. He doesn't get far before he turns around and approaches me again.
"Are you sure there's no chance?" he asks, the pleading look has appeared again. My heart breaks as I shake my head because his face drops once again.
God just go home, I can't handle this anymore.
"I'm sorry," I say again, my voice catching on the tears I'm still so desperately trying to hold back.
Gregory forces a smile then reaches into his pocket and removes something. "Here, I want you to have this. Hold out your hand."
I frown and do as I'm told. When he drops the pendant onto my palm, the one he gave me the night I left. I gasp in shock and try to protest but he holds up his hand to silence me.
"Please," Gregory pleads, "I want you to have this. I want you to know that someone out in this big wide world loves you. Whatever you think you're easy to love, Teresa, you just have to believe in yourself."
I look at him in shock, my fingers curling over the pendant. He just nods knowingly. "Yes I know you better than you think, Teresa. What Marcus did to you was unforgiveable but you have to remember not all men are like him. There will be someone perfect out there for you. I wish it was me," he smiles wistfully, "but it's not and I'll learn to accept that. But there is someone, just you wait."
My chest burns from my held back tears. Before I can do anything a stray one falls down my cheek and drips onto my shirt. Gregory smiles at me sadly and wipes away another tear that has rebelliously followed the last one.
"I will always love you, Teresa," he says. "Don't forget that, okay?"
I'm speechless so I just nod in recognition. He smiles then turns and walks away. I look down at my hand and open my fingers. The necklace glints back at me. I pick it up and hold it in front of me. The last rays of sun catch it, causing it to glimmer brightly. I put it down again and stuff it in my jeans pocket.
Suddenly it feels as though my chest explodes. The ache is so bad and suddenly I'm crying my eyes out. Tears pour down my cheeks as guilt, frustration, anger and hurt run through me. It feels as though my insides are tearing apart and all I want to do is curl up in a ball, go to sleep and never wake up.
Once upon a time everything was so clear. I had Marcus, I was going to marry him and have a family but then suddenly that was ripped away from me. I've never known how to get over that. I've never had any closure and I realise now I need it. If I don't get it I'm going to keep spiralling out of control.
Standing up, I wipe my tears away and walk back to my car. I know exactly what I need to do.
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