The warmth of her arms around me is comforting as my own arms squeeze her more tightly.
I'm not sure why I hugged her exactly. We were just sitting here watching a movie and I couldn't help myself. I needed a hug, and she's here. I don't know what I would do if Willow wasn't here for me right now. She stayed here with me while Buffy went over to see Faith. I don't know what they're talking about exactly or when Buffy will be back, just that Buffy said she needed to speak to Faith about something important and she would explain everything when she got home. And now here I am, hugging Willow for dear life while my sister and Faith talk.
Willow kisses me on the head lovingly and starts stroking my hair.
"It's all right Dawn. Everything's going to be all right."
There's no way to know that. She can't know that. Willow might be the most powerful witch ever, but even she can't predict the future. Or even the present. She can't know what my sister and Faith are talking about. Not for absolutely sure.
"What if they're killing each other? What if they're over there beating each other to death? What if Buffy went over there to kill Faith?"
She makes a comforting shushing noise before responding.
"They aren't. Buffy didn't leave here in a killing mood, and I know she'd never do that to you. She said she was going to talk to Faith and that's it. You know she'll keep her word Dawn, she's your sister."
Maybe she's right. But maybe it's worse than them killing each other. Maybe Buffy went over there to be with Faith.
"What if Buffy doesn't come home tonight? What if they start talking and they realize that they love each other and they spend the night together instead of killing each other? What if that's what's happening right now?"
Her arms hold me a little tighter as we sit on the couch together.
"It's not. Buffy said she wasn't in love with Faith and I believe her. She'd never sleep with Faith again. And I know that Faith would never cheat on you because of the way she feels about you. You don't have to worry about anything."
That doesn't stop it from happening though. My sister and Faith are not best friends. They almost broke out into a fight last night about everything that happened. There's no guarantee that it won't now that I'm not with them to stop it from actually happening. It could be going on right now and there'd be no way to stop them. They could be punching and kicking each other until they're both bloody and broken, and the only thing that I'm doing to stop it is nothing.
Or they could be over there kissing and groping each other and ripping each other's clothes off so they can make love to each other. That would be so much worse than making each other bloody and broken. I think it would kill me. Except that it wouldn't actually kill me so I'd have to spend the rest of my life knowing that anything that Faith and I may or may not have had would never be figured out. If they slept together again, I think I would hate both of them for the rest of my life and I'd never be able to get over that. I couldn't live like that. I just couldn't.
"I... I can't stop."
Willow keeps stroking my hair and making shushing noises to comfort me, but it only helps a little.
"It's all I can think about. I just can't stop wondering what's happening between Buffy and Faith. What would I do if they ended up together? I'd have no one."
She pulls back from the hug and looks me in the eyes, wiping the tears off my cheeks with her thumbs.
"Dawn, it's not going to happen. But even if the sky turned purple and the whole world started turning backwards and it actually did happen, you wouldn't have to worry about a thing. We'd take care of you."
What does she mean?
"We?"
"Me, and Xander and Giles and Kennedy, we'd take care of you. You wouldn't have to worry about a thing. But you don't even have to think about that, because the world won't be spinning backwards any time soon and nothing is going to happen between Faith and your sister."
Letting out a breath I've been holding in for I don't know how long, I smile a little at Willow for what she said.
I really needed to hear that.
"Don't worry sweetie."
For some reason, hearing that makes me feel a little better. I'll feel better when Buffy comes home and tells me that nothing happened though.
"Tell ya what... let me see what I can do about cheering you up some more."
She moves back on the couch, putting a little distance between us.
"Can I see Snuggle-bunch for a second?"
My stuffed bear?
I reach behind me and pick up Snuggle-bunch for a second, looking at him.
I call him Snuggle-bunch cause I always feel better after I hug him a whole lot. He hasn't been much help to me lately though, so I guess it's all right if Willow uses him for whatever she has planned.
Slowly, I hand Willow my bear and she takes it gently.
"Thank you."
My sister's best friend takes Snuggle-bunch in both hands and closes her eyes in concentration.
What's she doing?
Then she lets go of Snuggle-bunch and he starts floating in mid air between us.
Oh... she's doing something magical.
Our eyes meet and she has this mischievous grin on her face. Her hands move over the bear like a magician showing off a trick.
"Look Dawn, no strings."
That makes me smile a little because of how silly she's being. Willow's hands stop a few inches above and below Snuggle-bunch like she's presenting a vase or something else that's really fragile. After a few seconds, she points three fingers down at my stuffed bear from her top hand, and two fingers up from her bottom hand. She starts to move her fingers and as she does, Snuggle-bunch starts to dance in mid air.
The sight of my favorite teddy bear dancing all but forces me to laugh at how cute and innocent it is. Snuggle-bunch moves his arms and legs up and down and all around. Willow makes him jump and kick and spin around, shaking his lack of hips while he does. I get this warm and happy feeling in me that I haven't been able to feel since before last night.
How does she do this?
"How do you always know exactly what to do to make me feel better?"
She smiles at me happily.
"Magic..."
All I can do to that is chuckle from the good feeling she gives me. She keeps making Snuggle-bunch dance as we hear the door open.
"I'm back."
Willow catches my teddy bear and sets him down on the couch as we both look to the door.
Buffy...
We look at each other for a second before both getting up and heading to the door to meet Buffy.
Okay... I don't want to make any assumptions about anything yet. She only just got in the door.
I'm the first one to ask a question.
"What happened? How did it go?"
Buffy throws her keys on the door-side end table and faces us.
"Things are fine. I went over to see her to talk and that's what we did."
My only thought on hearing her say that is to let out a sigh of relief.
They just talked... that's it. She wasn't gone long enough for anything else to have happened. It feels like a huge weight is lifted off me.
"Did you leave her alive?"
I look at Willow because of her question, then at my sister for her answer.
"No fists or sharp objects were exchanged. We just talked."
Her words create a question that I just have to ask.
"About what?"
"Well, the first thing I did was clear things up between the two of us."
Do I really want to hear this?
"I told her that I'm not in love with her and that what happened between us isn't going to be happening ever again. She seemed okay with that and said she felt the same way."
Another sigh of relief flows through me and I feel even less worried.
I'd still like to hear that from Faith herself, even if I'm still trying to decide what to do about us, but I don't think Buffy would lie to me about their conversation. That makes things feel less horrible.
"Then I told her that you needed some time to think about things and that if you wanted to talk, you'd call her. She didn't seem to object to that."
That's good. I do need time to really think things over and I'll feel better knowing that Faith is going to wait until I'm ready to talk to her, if I ever am.
"And that was that. Aside from me threatening her with bloodshed if she ever tried to hurt you."
Wow... I wasn't expecting to hear they had a civil conversation. I expected Buffy to come back with all kinds of bruises and stuff. It's good that she didn't though. The last thing that I want is them fighting about me, because there wouldn't be a good ending to something like that. Buffy did a good thing.
"Thank you."
Buffy looks right into my eyes and smiles.
"You're welcome Dawn. There's nothing I wouldn't do to keep you happy."
With that, I cross the distance between me and my sister, putting my arms around her for a hug. She hugs me back.
"I know Buffy."
After a few moments, Buffy and I break apart and I feel Willow's hand on my shoulder gently.
"See Dawn, I told you there was nothing to worry about."
She was right.
A smile on my face, I turn to Willow and hug her too.
I'm so lucky to have so many people who love me and want what's best for me. I don't know what I would do without them. But I still have the big question of Faith to think about. And that's something I have to decide for myself.
* * *
My bologna sandwich tastes good as I take a bite of it. Chewing it slowly, I sit back in my chair in the cafeteria of my school.
It feels so good to get out of the house for a while. Even if it is to go to school. I needed to be somewhere other than home right now. Buffy and Willow have been so good to me and they've done so much to make me feel safe and secure so I can really think about what I want to do, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. At least it feels like there is in this situation. I need to be in a different place to get a different perspective on the whole thing.
So here I am. Sitting here with Candy, Carmen and Tess at school trying to figure things out. That's all I've been doing all day. I might be going to all my classes and sitting there quietly like I'm supposed to, but my mind is not on taking notes and learning. The only thing I can think about is what to do about Faith. Do I forgive her and give her another chance? Or do I give up and cut my losses to try and salvage some part of my life? I don't know that I could do either for sure.
I can't just cut Faith completely out of my life, even if I wanted to. No matter what the reason is that we came together, she did a lot for me. She showed me how to have fun and gave me someone to have fun with so I wouldn't feel lonely. She showed me what it's like to have someone around who gets you and really listens to what you have to say. And most of all she showed me what it's like to have someone who treats me the way I think I deserve to be treated. She let me make my own decisions and never pushed me into doing anything that I didn't want to do. I've never had that with anyone before her and it means a lot to me that she does that for me. Buffy's my sister and I know I can always count on her to be there for me when I really need her, but she'll always be looking over my shoulder making sure I don't make the wrong choice.
I take a sip of my fruit punch, followed by another bite of my sandwich.
Faith gave me so much and I don't think I can just turn my back on that because she made one mistake. But at the same time, I don't know for sure that I can trust her completely the way I did before. I can't be with her if I can't trust her completely anymore. Or can I? Is there a way for me to trust her with every thought and feeling that I have? Can I trust her with my heart and know that she won't break it? Do I know for sure that she won't decide she wants someone else a couple months or a couple years from now?
Not to mention, how do I know that I can measure up to other people she's been with when I have no experience in that department? I've never been with anyone. I came close a couple times but I've never actually gone through with it. I don't know any of the things that I'm supposed to do, or how anything is supposed to feel. How do I know that I can make her happy when it's a pretty safe bet that she's been with people who have more experience and know all the things that they were supposed to do to make her happy?
And then there's my sister. Buffy's a slayer. Faith's a slayer too. They have slayer strength and slayer speed and slayer stamina. I won't be able to do all the things that they can do and I won't be able to do them for as long as they can. If I tried, I'd probably end up passing out in the middle of everything and I wouldn't want to disappoint Faith by doing that. Is there any way that I'll be able to measure up to my sister, knowing that she probably did things better than me?
My thoughts make me stop eating and just sit there for a while.
I can't know for sure. Not without talking to Faith about it. I have to know what she's thinking or feeling and whether it's the same kind of things I'm thinking or feeling. There's no way I can make this decision without knowing what she wants. And to do that, I have to see her. I need to look her in the eyes and make sure that everything is in the open about everything before I can figure out whether I still love her and whether we have a future together. If I skipped my last class and went to see Faith, I could talk with her and maybe figure out where to go from there. It may not fix the problem but at least it would be a step in the right direction.
God, all this relationship stuff is so hard to figure out. Why don't other people have as much trouble as I do? Why can't this be easier than it is? Am I the only one that's had this big of a problem.
Slowly, I look at the people I'm sitting with and wonder if I'm alone.
Maybe it's time to test the boundaries of this apparently newfound friendship I have with them.
"Hey, umm..."
The three of them look up at me from their lunches as I speak.
We haven't really done much talking since Candy and I decided to try and be friends. There's the occasional conversation about class or the latest movie out right now, but otherwise we mostly just sit around in silence with each other.
"Can I, um, ask you guys something?"
They each look to each other one at a time before responding. Tess is the first to say anything, followed by Candy and Carmen.
"Sure..."
"Uh, yeah..."
"What kind of question?"
"It's umm... kind've a personal question."
Again the three of them look at each other, and this time, only Carmen responds to my statement.
"Well, unless you ask it, we won't really know if we want to answer it or not."
That's kind've a given, but okay.
"Have... any of you ever been in love?"
Each of them stares blankly at me for a while and I can't help but feel nervous about asking the question. Tess and Carmen finally say something.
"No..."
"Not really."
Candy is about as mobile as a statue forged entirely out of steel while she stays silent. After at least thirty seconds, she responds.
"Once... or, at least I thought I was once."
Oh...
She pauses for a second to look down at her when Carmen and Tess both stare at her and I avoid looking directly at her. Carmen tries to alleviate her confusion.
"When was this? Do you remember that Tess?"
Tess shakes her head gently. Candy answers Carmen.
"It was last year, before you came to school with us Dawn. There was this guy that I really liked. He was nice, and cute, and I thought about asking him out. But when I finally got up the guts, he turned me down."
That totally sucks.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."
She raises her hand to stop me in mid sentence.
"It's cool. Not a big deal."
Carmen gets a little nosy.
"Who was it? Stanley Farnsworth?"
Okay I've caused enough problems already. She obviously is still a little upset about it and I don't think it makes sense to push her.
"You know what? It doesn't matter. I only asked because I was curious about something, but now I don't really want to know. Whatever, you know?"
The four of us all look between each other and we all sort've silently agree to drop the subject. We all go back to our lunches.
I guess I'm not alone when it comes to problems with love. That makes me feel a little better about Faith and me. Who would've thought that Candy and I would find something to bond over and find something in common? I know I didn't. Well, I think I'll go with my original plan to skip my last class and go see Faith. I think it might actually help.