We've both showered, the kitchen is clean, and now we're sitting on the couch cuddling like normal while we wait for the pizza to cook.
"Can I ask you something?" I look up at him and he tightens his grip around me.
"Sure."
"How long have you liked me for?" He pauses, running his fingers through his hair.
"Since August eighteenth, two thousand and seven."
"Why specifically that day?"
"Because that's the day I met you."
"It is?"
"It is."
"And you never bothered to tell me?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I was scared!"
"You were scared?"
"Yes!"
"I thought you didn't get scared."
"I get so scared, Morgan. I was so afraid of loving you."
"Well, that's a different question. How long have you loved me?" He thinks about this for a second and then turns to face me.
"That's a hard question." He says. "I really learned what love was when I was around thirteen or fourteen. And that's when I realized that I loved you. But then again, I think that I loved you before that, it had already been like six years of liking you. I'd just go with always. Ever since I met you, I've loved you."
"Wow. Kevin, I'm so sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"For over ten years, you felt this way about me, and I never noticed or caught on, and you just had to feel that way. All the time."
"It's okay. Because I have you now. And you have me."
"I do?"
"Of course you do." He grabs me and hoists me up onto his lap so that I'm straddling him. "And I'm so beyond amazed that I get to be here with you right now." I wrap my arms around his neck and start to lean in.
This is it.
No interruptions.
Just me and him, about to finally kiss.
Or so I thought.
Because the fucking oven goes off.
"What the hell!" I say, rasing my voice as I step off of him and walk towards the oven. He follows behind me as I grab the oven glove and pull the pizza out. The cheese bubbles as I set it on the counter.
"Maybe the universe is just interrupting because it's waiting to give us the perfect moment."
"Maybe. Or it's the universe telling us to give it up."
"I don't think so. I did not wait almost eleven years for the universe to go against me. I thought we were friends."
"Good point." I say, grabbing a piece of scrap paper and a pen.
"What are you doing?"
"Writing Liam a note." I say.
I scribble it down and leave it next to the pizza. It reads:
Dear Liam, here is a pizza that Kevin and I made you. I hope it's not gross. Love, Morgan.
I grab his hand, slip on my shoes and pull him into my car.
"Where are we going?" He asks.
"I'm going to find the perfect spot." I say.
"Perfect spot for what?"
"To kiss you." This time, his cheeks turn pink and I start the car, pulling out of the driveway and speeding down the road.
The first place I go is to the beach.
"Why would it be here?" He asks, and I shrug my shoulders.
"Because it's beautiful."
"You mean like you?" He says, and I turn to look up at him.
"I mean, I guess."
"Cool."
"I don't feel anything." I say, and he shakes his head.
"Me either."
"Should we go?"
"Yeah."
An hour and a Starbucks trip later, we end up at some boardwalk, on a bridge, looking over a pond as the sun slowly goes down.
"Morgan, this is pointless." He says.
"What? Why? Maybe we just haven't found it yet."
"We can't force it, Morgan. Everything happens for a reason. It will never feel right if we keep on trying to make it happen." I sigh.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You don't know when it's coming."
"I know." I say, resting my head on his chest.
"Wanna go home?"
"No."
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know."
"I would kiss you right now, Morgan. I know it's not exactly everything you wanted, but have you ever wondered if what your looking for isn't always what you need?"
"What does that mean?"
"I used to think that having sex with people was what I needed, but then I realized that I didn't need it. I wanted it. And then I talked to you, and then I didn't even want it anymore. So maybe we don't have to kiss to feel satisfied. Maybe you think it's what you need, but it isn't."
"It really feels like it is."
"I know. It's like that for me too."
"So now what?"
"So now we wait. For the perfect moment."
"I thought you weren't supposed to wait for the perfect moment. I thought you were supposed to take the moment and make it perfect. Or at least that's what I read online." A soft chuckle escapes his lips.
"It doesn't apply to every situation. Especially if you don't even know what you need."
"I need you." I blurt out, and then just stare up at him, shocked that I had just said that. "I mean," I try to save myself, "you've been there, through it all, you know? You helped me when I was at my worst. And you're still here, and-"
"Morgan."
"Yeah?"
"Stop talking."
"Okay."
"Let's go home." I nod. He takes my hand and walks with me back to the car. Angry, I sit in the passenger seat and cross my arms while he drives me home.
"I hate the world today." I mumble, looking out the window.
"What?" He says, looking over at me.
"Nothing."
"Morgan." He says, "tell me." Just then he swiftly turns his head away from me and slams on the brakes, stopping just before a car speeds past us.
The seatbelt locks as I shoot forward, the thick black strip of fabric tugging at my neck as I lurch forward toward his dash. Finally, to top it all off, the seatbelt pulls deeper and deeper into my chest and I almost feel the skin break beneath it. And if that hurts the average person, just imagine what it could do to me. I sit there, shocked, as I feel everything turn into slow motion.
Kevin turns his head to face me, a scared and concerned expression in his face.
"Are you okay?" He asks, but I can hardly hear him. There's a strange echo in my ears and it kind of feels like I'm in a tunnel. "Morgan?"
The first cough is a nightmare. The sound of it is muffled by a waterfall of blood pouring out of my mouth. At this, Kevin starts to freak out, and swerves the car around towards the direction of the hospital. More coughing, as the blood starts to drip off my chin and onto my white tank top, and below, in between my breasts. I do nothing to stop it, though. I can't move. I lay there, my eyes open, my head turned slightly back, and I hack some more, blood starting to drip out of my nose.
And in that moment, I wish for death. I wish for it all to be over. And so maybe, if I close my eyes, it will happen to me.
So I pray to God that it will all be done, tilt my head back and when I close my eyes, blood pooling at the back of my throat, I fall asleep.
•••
I gasp as I open my eyes, Kevin sitting eagerly at the edge of my bed. He stands up as soon as he sees me, running both hands through his hair.
"Morgan." He says, sitting back down.
"Morgan, I am so sorry." He says, as I lift off my air mask that covers my mouth and nose.
"What happened?" I ask, looking down at my blood stained hospital gown.
"It was all my fault, I wasn't paying attention to the road, slammed on the breaks to avoid a crash, and it hit you pretty hard. I'm so sorry."
"I remember." Is all I can muster.
"You do?"
"I wanted to die." I say.
"What?"
"I wanted to be dead."
"Morgan, no..."
"And you brought me here?"
"Yeah... Yeah I did."
"Why?"
"There was blood everywhere Morgan... And I was scared."
"I was scared too." I said. "Scared that I was going to live through this."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because I'm so tired." I say, "tired of living."
"Stop it, Morgan."
"I can't. I can't stop."
"Yes you can, stop talking like that. Have you been taking your... antidepressants?"
"Yeah, I took them this morning." I say, shutting my eyes.
"Then why aren't they working?"
"Because maybe I'm supposed to be like this."
"No, you're supposed to be the annoying, stubborn, happy girl that j love so much." He says, holding my face. "And you may not seem happy now, but that's what I'm here for. We make each other happy. And that's why I'm taking you on this trip that we leave for in a week. I promise you, Morgan. I love you. And everything will be okay."
"Why did you do this to me then?" I say, "if you love me, then why did you put me in here?"
"I'm so sorry Morgan. It was an accident."
"Was it? Or were you just trying to kill me?" Then Liam bursts into the room, as Kevin quickly gets up and Liam takes his place.
"Morgan!" He says, grabbing my face with both hands. "Oh, just look at you! Why wouldn't they clean this up?" He says, grabbing some paper towel and wetting it with my glass of water that I haven't touched yet.
"What's wrong with my face?" I say, going into my phone camera, and looking at myself. Dry blood covers my chin, upper lip, neck and chest. Liam starts to pat away at it on my top lip. I close my eyes again as he does so.
"I'm so tired." I mumble, "and cold."
"I know you are."
"Just stop." I say, pushing his hand off.
"What? Why?"
"Because there's no point. I'll die soon anyway."
"What?" What are you talking about?"
"She's been talking like this since she woke up." Kevin says.
"Morgan, what's going on? Have you taken your antidepressants today?" He asks.
"She told me she took them this morning." He grabs the paper towel and starts cleaning my face again. Too tired to intervene, I just let him, closing my eyes.
A doctor walks into my room and tells me what's going on.
"Okay Morgan, basically what happened is, because of your current condition, you endured some serious damage to your lungs. You did lose a lot of blood, and so you'll a few blood transfusions to get you back on track. Now, are either of these people your family members?"
"I'm her brother." Liam says.
"Perfect. If it's okay with you, I would like to take you back to get your blood tested to see if it's a match."
"Can I get tested too?" Kevin asks.
"I don't see why not."
She takes them away from me and I close my eyes, but I hardly have any time to sleep because within thirty minutes the doctor comes back with the results.
"Okay, from the blood tests, I have come to the conclusion that-" she checks her paper on her clipboard.
"Neither of you are a match."