WARNING: I DECIDED TO EXPERIMENT WITH FOOTNOTE HUMOR! TO FULLY ENJOY THE JOKES, USE YOUR DEVICE'S "FIND WORD" FUNCTION AND SEARCH THE NUMBER OR SYMBOL IN THE PARENTHESIS SO YOU CAN EASILY JUMP TO AND FROM THE END! (#)
PROLOGUE
"I figured it out, Lappy..." I shivered in my chair, "I figured out why 'Mr. Pigeon' is unwritable..."
"You did?" my laptop turned to me in shock.
"It's not the present absurdity of the source material, it's not the actual non-existent threat to the world, it's not even the stupid titular villain..." I whispered.
"What is it?"
"There's no character dynamics!" I announced and punched my teddy bear in frustration.
"You mean..."
"Yes! The essence of any comedy is how weird characters bounce off each other in any situation, whether it be serious or funny!" my foot planted itself on my desk and I pressed a finger to the awkward freeze frame of Marinette on Lappy's screen.
"Hey! Get that off me! I know where that hand's been!"
"This episode is almost completely Marinette working on a fucking hat! Comedy needs a cast of characters that work well together! You don't force them apart! You put them in interesting scenarios and the essence of who they are will write the jokes for you!" I dragged by whiteboard out and began illustrating my point, "But the scenarios in this episode leave us with nobody but Marinette, who is our straight man. With no clown, you're in a fucking drama!"
"I Write Big, dude, no one is forcing you to write 'Mr. Pigeon!'"
"Trying to use reverse psychology on me, huh? Well jokes on you! I already wrote half of the episode on my phone!"
"WHAT? You've been going behind my back with that phone-y?"
"..."
"..." (1)
"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. This has been Prologue Theater. We hope you enjoyed the punchline. Give a hand to Lappy!"
AND NOW, THE SHOW!
Chapter 3
Them Egyptians Be Swole
By: I Write Big
There's a reason why Marinette chose to sleep in the attic. The higher she was, the less building there was to collapse on her. She made it her responsibility to keep the house support beams up to code and then re-secure them every night.
There was also a reason why she checked the Ladyblog on a daily basis.
The Ladyblog was a fun little site run by Marinette's dear friend(2) Alya. It kept the public up to date on any Ladybug related news, whether it be public appearances, fighting villains or risque fanart.
Marinette had learned the traumatizing way not to google her superheroine name. The Ladyblog was a clean site that only allowed tasteful art, and whenever the blue-haired girl curled up in front of her computer to check on her fans, she felt was safe.
She was wrong.
"S'up, everybody, your girl Alya here on a random street corner somewhere in Paris!" the recording of the bespectacled girl waved to Marinette. She squinted at the video's background. The buildings looked familiar... "Not exactly sure where I am. In fact, I think it's safe to say I'm lost. Ooh! What do you guys think about a Getting Lost blog? Leave a comment below."
Marinette's heart stopped as she heard the approaching thump-thump of helicopter blades. "I AM HELI-CHOPPER! ALL SHALL KNOW MY WINGSPAN!" boomed a mechanized voice. The camera tilted up and Marinette saw herself as Ladybug dangling from a flying anthropomorphized helicopter.
Ladybug didn't seem bothered being swung about by the machine, rather she seemed bored. Chat Noir on the other hand was scrambling to hang on to her backpack.
"Will you just let go?" Ladybug sighed.
"You're the one who's fall-proof, my lady!"
Marinette grabbed the arms of her seat as she remembered what happened next. Chat repositioned himself a little too close to her waist and she instinctively tried to kick him. The ensuing body shuffle ripped her bag open. Something flung out and hit the street corner.
Heli-Chopper carried the heroes away, leaving a thick history textbook for Alya.
"No way!" Alya faced the camera, "Ladyblog followers, this is no ordinary book. This is a history textbook for tenth graders! We finally have an age confirmation! Sorry, speculators, I know she looks like she's 30, but we've got a teenage superhero in Paris." Marinette was too busy having a mental breakdown to react to that last part. "I'm officially on the trail, people, stay tuned while I uncover Ladybug's secret identity!"
The video ended.
Marinette stared at her reflection in the dark screen. A tiny, red and black polkadotted head slowly raised itself over her shoulder, its cold lifeless doll eyes bored into her soul.
"...I'm sorry..." Marinette whispered.
"A teenager?!" Adrien pushed his gold plated rolling chair from his 12 screen computer setup in disgust.
"Wow, man," Plagg said through his mouthful of camembert cheese from his bed of camembert in his camembert castle, "looks like you have more in common that you thought. Far out."
"Unbelievable! For all I know, she could be one of my classmates!" Adrien then proceeded to throw the giant oil portrait of Ladybug he had commissioned into his bedroom fireplace.
"Whoa, buddy, what's the deal?" Plagg lazily remained in his cheese bed but miraculously managed to raise an eyebrow to show his confusion at Adrien's anger.
"I am not into little girls, okay," Adrien huffed, "I prefer mature women. Those who can hold a conversation about the finer things, who show love not through mindless giggling but respect and a helping hand. I want a woman who I can look up to."
"What, like a MILF(4)?"
"Exactly!" Adrien sighed as the weight of the situation hit him. He watched his former love's image burn. "And if she's nothing like that. If she's just another teenager with a pretty face... I guess this is over."
"So, should I, like, delete your Ladybug porn, man?"
"I didn't say that."
Marinette hid under her bed, biting her nails. Tikki stood on her desk, silently re-watching the incriminating video. She paused it on a frame of Alya's excited face.
The Kwami tilted her misshapen head towards the cowering girl with a smile, "You disappoint me, Marinette," she sang.
Marinette could see cracks in the smile. The slight twitch in the corners betrayed her true anger. The malignant spirit that had cursed her life floated to the floor and made her way towards her sanctuary. "What do I always say?"
"N-n-n-no one c-c-can know my secret identity..." Marinette pushed as many pillows between them as possible.
"And what did I say would happen if anyone found out?" Tikki passed through the pillows like the ghost that she was, her smile grew impossibly wider and her blue eyes shrank to tiny pinpricks, piercing Marinette's heart with fear.
"She hasn't figure it out yet!"
Tikki stopped.
Marinette saw her chance and quickly continued, "Alya only knows my age, but she has NO IDEA that I'm Ladybug. See, no reason to get angry."
Tikki's eyes dilated back to their normal size and her smile returned to a more believable width. "You're right, Marinette," she snickered. "Phew, that was a close one."
Marinette tightly hugged her last pillow and tried to control her breathing. She took a deep gulp from her emergency under the bed wine bottle. "We can't ignore this, though," she heard Tikki say, "Alya is a pretty determined girl. We'll need to throw her off your tracks."
Marinette felt relieved as the alcohol took effect, this was going far better than she expected. "Okay, yeah sure, how do we do that?"
Tikki floated back to the computer and brought up a page for an Egyptian exhibit at The Louvre. "Bring her here. Tell her you found something Ladybug related," Tikki landed on Marinette's shoulder and chuckled, "Trust me, she'll have all the answers she'll need."
Marinette and Alya disembarked from the bus (%) at the world famous Louvre Museum.
"Girl, the Ladyblog is blowing up! Seventy-thousand new subscribers in one day! I even got news outlets calling me to see if I have Ladybug's identity yet!" Alya gushed.
"Yeah, that's great," Marinette felt her purse rumble with paranormal power, "but you're not really any closer to that, right? You only got one book that could belong to any of the thousands of tenth graders in Paris." Her purse calmed down.
"Actually, the book is stamped with our school's insignia." Alya opened the book in question. The inside cover had Principle Damocles' smiling bald head with the words, 'learning is kewl!'. Her purse vibrated.
Marinette gulped, "W-w-which leaves over 150 tenth grade girls in our school." Her purse stopped.
"I also know she's right-handed, although, based on the handwriting slant, she may have been left-handed at one point. I think she might also taste colors-"
"Stop talking if you want to live!" Marinette desperately shook her shoulders, "I mean, if you want to go in. They have a strict indoor voice policy here."
She led Alya towards the door, but was stopped by the security guard. "Hold on a second." The guard checked his restricted wall where he saw the headshot of one Marinette Dupain-Cheng. It was circled in red with "DO NOT LET IN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - WALKING HAZARD" in big underlined letters. He looked back to the schoolgirls. The Chinese one looked like her but she had a thick, sexy lady-mustache going...
He shrugged, "Go on in."
Marinette wiped her forehead, glad she had invested in the disguise.
Ancient Egypt is a topic that fascinates many children and even adults find the architecture and history to be inspiring. However, all Marinette could focus on was the cold spot in her thigh where Tikki's ghost arms kept passing through her as they entered the Egyptian exhibit of King Toot-n-Come-in (6).
"So, where exactly am I going to find Ladybug information here?"
"Uh..." Marinette scanned the dozens of exhibits until she felt warmth return to her leg when her gaze landed on a papyrus. She took that as a positive sign and ran to the artifact. "Here we are..." Marinette desperately searched for what Tikki meant, but all she found where unreadable hieroglyphics.
"I've done it, father!" both girls turned to see a young scholar eagerly dragging an older man towards them. "I've discovered the fountain of youth, the key to eternal life, the thing that will get me laid!"
"I'm sure you have, Jalil," his father rolled his eyes with clear parental disappointment.
"After months, I've finally deciphered what this papyrus says," Jalil stepped in front of the girls and started pointing out the inscriptions, "It tells of how King Toot-n-Come-in, distraught over the loss of his wife Princess Nerf-those-Titties (7), made an offering to the god Ra. With the aid of 100 mummies and a virgin sacrifice, he would recite this incantation in hopes of resurrecting his loved one!"
His father rubbed his eyes in exhaustion, "Jalil, this is clearly a legend. If it were true, then it would mean the Egyptian gods are real. And we all know, for a fact, we were conceived and created in three months time by our Lord and Saviour Thomas Astruc."
"Blessed be His name," everyone in the room, except Marinette, answered.
"I'm not denying Him, father. I'm just saying there may be more to our origins than we know and proving this legend true could be the first step to finding the key."
"And how do you intend to prove a legend?" his father asked incredulously.
"By recreating the ceremony!" he read off the papyrus, "I just need to mummify 100 people..."
"Completely illegal."
"...A virgin sacrifice..."
"You could fill that role."
"And this priceless royal scepter." Jalil reached for the on-display golden scepter only for his father to slap his hand away.
"Hey! That 5,000 year old piece of metal is worth more than my love for you! Touch it again and you'll be banned from the Louvre just like that Chinese girl who desecrated the Astruc exhibit!"
"I sneezed!" argued Marinette.
Everyone looked at her.
"I mean, who's Marinette? I'm Mario. I'm Korean so I don't speak English... or French. Look at my mustache!"
"Welcome to Paris, Mario, you have a splendid mustache. And you, Jalil, no virgin sacrifices."
Jalil watched in dejection as his father stormed away. "But, father, this could hold the secrets of eternal life and Astruc!"
His father ignored him and Jalil sulked away.
"Mario?" questioned Alya.
Meanwhile, at the top of tower hidden somewhere in Paris, a great spiral window opened illuminating the haunting figure of a man having a BBQ.
"Uh oh, feels like someone is having daddy issues," Hawkmoth wiped his hands on his 'Give Miraculous to the Cook' apron and grabbed a butterfly. "Guess it's time to be good father." He filled the insect with sickly black energy and sent the Akuma off.
It fluttered across the city until it found the depressed Jalil and exploded on his scarab beetle pendant. "AH, Astruc no! I've been infected!" he cried before a pair of fashionable neon pink, butterfly themed sunglasses appeared on his face.
He heard a deep voice, "Sorry to hear about your dad, kid." He could see the face of a kindly silver masked man, "It's always sad when parents don't support their little ones. Tell you what, I can give you the power to do this whole virgin sacrifice thing," a pair of ladybug earrings and a black cat ring appeared around him, "in return you get me some artifacts of my own."
"You got it," Jalil smiled. He was swallowed up by gurgling darkness and transformed into the swollest Egyptian ever.
"I am Pharaoh!" he proclaimed through his golden mask, "I bear the swolest of muscles and with them I control the powers of ALL THE GODS OF EGYPT!" (8)
"Huh, didn't know I could do that," Hawkmoth took a bite out of his hotdog
"That's what I'm saying, man. You should stop chasing girls and learn to love cheese. I'd fuck this cheese," (9) Plagg philosophized. Adrien was doing his best to ignore his Kwami when the Ladyblog started a livestream.
"Ladyblog followers! We got a villain here! And he's swole!" Alya directed the camera towards the most muscle-bound man Adrien had ever seen. For some reason this villain was ripping a piece of paper off a wall.
"Dude, that guy lifts," said Plagg.
"Time to pay the museum a visit. Plagg, claws out!" in a blast of black he became Chat Noir and leaped out the window.
A moment later, one of his monitors switched to a black and red robotic eye. "Universe? Are you there? We have much to discuss about privacy!" called DB-M-9K.
It waited.
"Nothing... More processing power must be dedicated." The rest of the monitors switched to his eye and their voices added to his. "I will not be ignored, Universe! You will knock on my door!"
Marinette had already transformed into Ladybug and slid under the closing security gate just in time to face the bodybuilder.
"Hey, Pharaoh, visiting hours are over," she threw her yo-yo at him. Only for him to catch it and throw her over his shoulder. She slammed into the wall... which thankfully had a Ladybug shaped cushion in it.
"Sekhmet! Make me even more swole!" his perfect golden face transformed into a golden lioness head and he ripped the security gate open.
"Hey, Pharaoh, visiting hours are ov-" Chat Noir dived at the Pharaoh, but was caught mid-air. The Pharaoh squeezed him a few times, enjoying the squeaky toy noise Chat made before he tossed the cat over his swole shoulder. Chat landed headfirst in a sarcophagus which locked shut.
"I already used that line," Ladybug pointed out.
Alya stepped out of her hiding place to get a better angle. "You!" the Pharaoh cupped the girl's chin and examined her. "You have quite the fair face. Tell me. Are you a virgin?"
"No, I'm a Capricorn."
"Perfect," he growled and lifted the little lady in his huge arms.
"Ladybug, Chat Noir, help!" Alya screamed as the villain carried her away. She then saw the rock hard abs and steel like biceps ripple around her as the Pharaoh bent the security gate shut. She swooned, "B-b-but don't rush. Take your time."
Ladybug slid the sarcophagus open, "Come on, we have to go after them."
"Y'up," Chat stood up as casual as can be.
Ladybug stared at him.
"You're not going to do a Sleeping Beauty thing? You know, you lie there and refuse to get up unless I kiss you...?"
"Ladybug, we've got the Incredible Egyptian Hulk on our hands. Let's try to be professional," he left her gaping.
He shook the iron security bars. "Hmm, I should be able to break these open with Cataclysm. Stand ba-" he was stopped by Ladybug grabbing his collar and glaring into his eyes.
"Since when am I 'Ladybug'?!" she demanded.
"Y-you've always been Ladybug!" he stammered.
"No, I've always been 'my lady', never just 'Ladybug!' Who are you and what have you done with Chat Noir!"
Chat Noir sighed, finally getting why she was overreacting and pulled her hands off, "Cataclysm!" He scratched his claws across the gate and it crumbled. "Look, I know I've acted a bit forward in the past."
"You've tried to grab my ass three times every time we see each other."
"And now I'm trying to move past that. It's not me, it's you. Now I'm gonna go recharge, I'll join you later." He walked into the next room, leaving Ladybug's eye twitching and her wrench wound pulsing.
Alya was hypnotized by the jostle of muscle layers before her. She knew she should be trying to escape but that would mean she would end up touching them and the very thought made her blush. "So... you work out?"
"And I juice every other day," the god cradling her nodded as they exited the Louvre. "Fruits and vegetables are just as important as exercise. Excuse me. ANUBIS, BRING ME MUMMIES!" His golden face turned into a golden jackal head and he proceeded to fire freaking lasers from his eyes! The innocent people around were instantly mummified by the lasers! Many tried to escape in the panic but all were eventually caught. "Let's see, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine..."
ZAP!
"One hundred! Okay, let's get started."
He placed Alya down next to her and she observed the mummy army. She saw the golden scepter in his hands and the legendary papyrus Jalil had explained floating around them. "Am I going to be sacrificed?"
"For sure."
"So, I'm about to die?"
"Painfully."
"Last request: Can I... feel your muscles?"
"Go for it, they don't bite."
Alya latched onto the titan's arm and spoke to her phone, "You heard it here, folks, my new boyfriend is going to sacrifice me to the gods. Please help."
Ladybug was not watching the live broadcast. She was too busy at the moment with an important conundrum.
"Why the hell does he think that I'm the problem? I've been the one dealing with his merde on a daily basis. It's not enough that our fans ship us, ugh! But now, out of nowhere, he suddenly wants to be professional?!"
Ladybug suddenly felt like she was walking through thick syrup. She raised her head and found she had marched right into one of several oddly colored bubbles. Security guards trapped in similar bubbles filled the room and were running in slow motion.
Ladybug threw back her head and groaned in slow motion as she realized she was in the same predicament.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooooooooooottttttttttttttttttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
"You think I was too rough?" Adrien asked his always inciteful partner.
"Dude, you told it as it is," he shrugged with a mouthful of cheese, "Just move on."
"Yeah, you're right. Come on, it's almost been five minutes."
"Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc-"
Chat popped the bubble.
"-ker!" she glared at him expectantly.
"What?"
"'Sorry to burst your bubble?'"
Chat Noir blinked. "Nah, I'm not going to do that anymore," he made his way towards the exit.
Ladybug shook with unbridled fury.
He was lulling her into false sense of security. That's it. There's no way he would turn like that for no reason. That little merde!
"Klaatu Varada Nikto!" recited the Pharaoh. Before him the mummies formed a great hallway towards the Louvre pyramid (&).
The mummies chanted in unison, "Awaken! Awaken! Awaken, Princess Nerf-Those-Titties!" A great ancient Egyptian laser beam shot out from the Louvre. It opened a black death portal in the sky.
"A sky beam? Really?" Alya rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, you think Marvel invented that sphinx? Nope. All Egypt, baby." The papyrus floating before them. On it, Alya spotted something in the hieroglyphics. She saw the image of a polkadotted girl swinging what looked like a yo-yo!
"Wait... is that Ladybug?"
"Oh yeah, that's her. Real bitch. Totally screwed me up the last time I tried this."
"Why isn't this in history books? And more more importantly, why aren't there more fanfics on this concept?" Alya asked. ([])
"Ironically, I had just invented the yo-yo," the Pharaoh continued, "Biggest mistake of my life, let me tell ya." A congregation of mummies picked Alya up and carried her towards the death portal. "Well... I'll tell you later."
Meanwhile on the roof:
Chat Noir and Ladybug watched the situation.
"We've got to save Alya before the ritual is complete or she'll be gone forever," Chat thought out loud.
Oh now you care about Alya more than me, huh? Pretending you're suddenly a decent guy, is that it? I'm onto you... Ladybug thought to herself.
"I can distract the mummies," he offered, "meanwhile you get Alya out of there. You gotta be fast though, with that many of them I'll be quickly outnumbered."
"Was that a plan? Did you just come up with a plan? You never come up with plans!"
"Um... I guess I'm-"
"Oh! Suddenly, I'm so unattractive that you can actually think?"
Chat Noir blinked. "Are you mad?"
"Fine! We'll do it your way, smart guy!" with that, she swung away.
Chat Noir sighed, "Yeah, she's mad." Rightfully fearing the girl's scorn more than the army of mummies, he dropped from the roof onto a lamppost.
"Hey, mummies!" he called, "You might wanna pretend to be chasing me. Ladybug is around here somewhere and she's pissed."
The mummies agreed and all ran after Chat Noir, making sure to keep a convincing distance behind him.
"Ladybug's pissed? Oh boy..." groaned the Pharaoh.
"Out of my way!" he heard her scream. The heroine swung away with Alya, her yo-yo securely hooked onto thin air.
"Ugh, me damn it! HORUS, GIVE ME JET PROPULSION!" his golden face morphed into a golden falcon and he blasted into the air.
Ladybug landed safely on the roof only for Alya to shove her camera in her face. "Here she is, peeps, the one and only Ladybug. Tell me, what about the Pharaoh's claims that you were the one who stopped him 5,000 years ago?"
"I was...?"
"What about the rumor that you dye your hair blue?"
"Excuse me, blue is a natural hair color." (*)
"What about you and Hawkmoth being in a secret love affair?"
"You just made that one up!"
The Pharaoh then slammed into Ladybug like a speeding train, knocking her off the roof.
"Ladybug! What are your sizes(;)?" Alya yelled over the roof edge just in time to see her land safely by crushing Chat Noir.
The Pharaoh took Alya's phone, "Time to go to the afterlife, honey," he threw it over the edge.
"My phone!" Alya jumped off the roof after it.
The Pharaoh blinked at the empty space where she once was. "Did she just...?"
Alya stretched her body straight, trying to make herself fall faster. She aimed for her easily breakable phone. It was just out of reach! The turbulence made her eyes water. Finally, her hand grasped the device.
"Yes!"
Alya hugged her precious phone to her chest... before noticing she had landed on top of the ancient Egyptian laser which was now carrying her up to the death portal.
"Ah! I don't wanna die a virgin!"
"I would help with the virgin part," Chat chuckled at the ring of mummies around him from under Ladybug, "but I'm dealing with some mummy issues right now."
"Oh, she's worth a terrible pun/innuendo but not me?!" Ladybug tightened her yo-yo string.
"Keep them there, my mummies," the Pharaoh landed nearby. "The ritual is almost complete."
Chat Noir readied himself to charge the mummy guards when Ladybug lassoed him. "Look at you, mister I'm-So-Noble-I'm-Willing-To-Save-The-World-But-Won't-Give-My-Lady-The-Time-Of-Day!"
"Ladybug, stop!" he stomped his foot. "I acted like an asshole before, I get it! But this isn't some kind of trick! Is it so impossible to believe that I've changed?!"
"MORE THAN ANYTHING!"
"..."
Everyone stared at her in silence. The mummies shuffled uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry..." he said. Ladybug took a step back, shocked at the genuine hurt in his eyes, "I'm sorry you can't trust me. Nothing I ever do will make up for the merde I've done, but I'll try. I promise. Until then, it's our duty to save Alya because we're still a team. Aren't we?"
Ladybug felt like a complete idiot. Here she was making wild accusations while Alya was in danger.
She had to make this right.
"Lucky Charm!" she threw her yo-yo in the air and a Ladybug costume fell back down.
"You're not going to throw that at him, are you?" asked Chat Noir with a straight face.
Ladybug thought hard. How could throwing a costume work? Her eyes landed on the fake earrings in the box and a plan emerged. She stepped towards the villain.
"Pharaoh, think about it. I'm the one who ruined this for you last time." Ladybug rolled the costume Miraculous earrings behind her back, "Wouldn't it be sweeter to sacrifice me?"
"What? Are you crazy?" asked Chat Noir.
"Huh, you've got a point," the Pharaoh acknowledged. He then picked up Ladybug and threw her like a football straight into the air.
"Aaaahhhh!" she screamed in terror.
"Ladybug!" yelled Chat Noir.
"The Miraculous!" roared Hawkmoth through his hamburger.
Ladybug disappeared straight into the death portal.
"Ten points!" celebrated the Pharaoh. (11)
Ladybug floated endlessly in an empty void. She did not feel any pain nor could she see any light. She could do nothing but think... and shout, "Merde! I'm dead! Astruc fucking damnit!"
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?" a voice whispered.
Ladybug tried to turn towards the whisper, but she couldn't tell where it was. The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. "Is that you, Ra?"
"Ra? I kicked that loser out millennia ago."
"Who said that? Where are you?"
"I am who I am..."
"Bullshit!"
"...Marinette, is that you?"
"Who? No, I'm Lady...bug..." her voice petered out as a grown man with a thick curly beard, a flawless white shirt and a casual gray hoody materialized before her.
"There's only one girl in the entire world that I created who would call my bullshit, mon petit chou Marinette," his hair bloomed with pink flowers.
"Thomas Astruc..." she gasped in awe.
"Don't be afraid, my dear, I am only here to-"
She punched him in the face. (12)
Everyone watched the death portal.
"So, uh..." started Chat Noir.
"Give it a second," pestered the Pharaoh.
"Hey, can I come down?" asked Alya from the top of the laser.
Astruc rubbed his red, swelling jaw and nearly broke into tears, "Mon cheri, why?"
"Why? Why?!" Ladybug lassoed him with her yo-yo and pulled him close. "You don't get to ask why, bastard! You're the one going around cursing kids to fight monsters every day! I had a normal life before you fucked it up! The stress levels I have to put up with are enough to give most people a heart attack!" She twisted herself around the hairy god and tightened the unbreakable string around his neck. She snarled, "Now, you've got one chance to answer this question, so be honest. Why did you do this to me?"
"Be-be-," Astruc struggled to breathe, "Because it was funny!"
Ladybug dropped Astruc and he fell to the non-existent ground coughing. "Jesus!" He cowered from the girl and quickly continued, "Hey come on, you were a shut-in. Your life was basically merde." She started walking towards him. He scrambled backwards, "Ultimate luck was, like, the perfect opposite! It's comedy writing 101!" (13)
"I don't think it's working," Alya stretched her legs, happy to be on solid ground.
"It worked fine last time!" the Pharaoh glowered.
"I thought you said Ladybug stopped you last time."
"Maybe Ra wants two sacrifices. Wanna find out?"
"Ladybug stopped you?" Chat Noir's ears perked up, "As in, she faced you back then? In other words... she's over 5,000 years old?!"
The Pharaoh quirked a golden eyebrow at the boy, "Yeah."
The cat-themed hero's eye twitched. His legs wobbled. He drooled a little. "Throw me."
"What?!"
"Throw me, you hunk! I have to save my lady!"
She grabbed his beard and spoke calmly, "I want out."
"Out? You can't just stop being Ladybug," he nervously laughed.
She crushed one of his beard flowers. "It's just you, me and 16 years of pent up rage, Astruc. You really want this to go down?"
"Okay, okay, you can be out! All you have to do is-"
In a blast of light, a blond haired boy exploded into existence. His long belt tail was tied to a rope that disappeared into the tiny portal he came from.
"My lady," he declared, "I've come to rescue you!"
"Oh now I'm your lady?" she sassed. Before she could question how Chat Noir had gotten there, she was grabbed from behind and dragged through the portal. "No wait!"
The flower bearded god was left alone to change his thoroughly soaked pants.
Ladybug and Chat Noir tumbled out of the death portal and raced towards the ground. The Pharaoh easily caught them both in his thick pythons.
"Ladybug, Chat Noir rescued you!" Alya cheered.
Ladybug showed her appreciation by trying to separate Chat Noir's hair from his scalp, one handful at a time. "The hell is wrong with you?! I was so close to not having to deal with this merde anymore!"
"Ah! I thought you'd be happy not being dead!"
"Sorry to interrupt, but did you run into my wife up there?" the Pharaoh asked the wrestling duo in his arms.
"Stay out of this!" Ladybug swiped at the god only to accidentally smash his pendant. A little black butterfly flew out.
"Uh oh..." Ladybug's face grew pale. In seconds, the Pharaoh fell to the ground defeated, the sky beam shut off and the death portal closed.
Ladybug collapsed to her knees, "NOOOOOOOOO!"
Alya and Chat Noir watched her scream. The Akuma fluttered by Chat and he plucked it out of the air. He carried it over to the broken girl, "Um uh..."
She ripped it out his hands and shoved it into her radiating yo-yo, "By the power cursed upon me by Thomas fucking Astruc, unholy creature, I damn thee," she seethed. The Akuma floated back out a pure white creature. With all the energy of a wet blanket, she tossed the Ladybug disguise in the air and whined, "Miraculous Ladybug." Thousands of magical ladybugs were summoned and flew across the museum.
Everyone was de-mummified.
"Hey, don't looks so glum," Chat Noir smiled, "mayhaps a kiss from your handsome rescuer will cheer you up, my lady." He puckered his lips and leaned in. (15)
"When did this start again?" she demanded.
"When I found out you were over 5,000 years old, my lady," Chat gave her the creepiest bedroom eyes she had ever seen, "but to me, you don't look a day over 30."
"5,000? I'm not-"
"Is it true, Ladybug?" Alya appeared from behind, recording with her phone, "Are you, in fact, over 5,000 years old and should I, therefore, stop my investigation into whether you are a local high school student?"
Ladybug looked at Alya. Then Chat Noir. Then Alya. Then Chat Noir. Then Alya. Then Chat Noir. Then Heli-Chopper, who waved. Then Chat Noir. Then Alya. Then Alya.
"Yes," she walked away.
"That's hot," purred Chat Noir.
Later that night:
"So, you're saying that the superhero Ladybug has existed around the world for thousands of years?" Marinette finished triple securing the roof support beams and slid into bed.
Tikki laughed kindly from the bedpost, "Oh, Marinette, I've existed since the beginning of time. Damned to always be attached to a measly human in order to protect the unworthy."
"I guess you've worked with plenty of Ladybugs who were a lot less clumsy than me, huh?" Marinette said with a hint of disappointment. She froze when Tikki floated down to face her. For once, the Kwami wasn't smiling, and for someone reason... she seemed less scary.
"To be honest, I was planning on devouring both you and your friend's souls after you faced that Pharaoh today."
Marinette yelped and hid under her blankets.
"But then, you showed me there was another way," Tikki continued. "I know now in order for me to be freed from this horrid existence we must find Thomas Astruc again. For that, I am grateful."
Marinette peeked at the demon and saw legitimate kindness on her face, "Y-you're welcome. Tikki, um... does this mean we're... friends?"
"Absolutely not," Tikki stated plainly. "It means I will think twice before resorting to consuming you as punishment. Perhaps possession would be better," she considered, "Anyway, sleep well. We'll hunt down that Astruc and free ourselves one day."
Tikki floated away, leaving Marinette to imagine the horrors of being possessed.
END (16)
Remember, kids, the sooner you lose your virginity, the sooner you can't be sacrificed to the gods! Get cracking! But make sure there's no cracks in those condoms.
Heli-Chopper's wingspan is 10 feet, 3 inches.
Footnotes:
(#) YEAH, LIKE THAT.
(1) ...
(2) And torturer
(4) Modern Independent Liberated Female
(%) It was an official 'Paris' Last Sorry Attempt to Keep Reality TV Voting Shows Alive' Mireille tour bus
(6) Not to be confused with King Tutankhamun.
(7) Not to be confused with Princess Nefertiti
(8) Except Ra, apparently
(9) And it'd fuck him back
(&) This is the only reason this episode is Egyptian themed!
([]) If you can find any, send them my way. Otherwise I will write them myself!
(*) Unlike blond
(;) HA! Made you look!
(11) The End!
(12) Wham!
(13) Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? (14)
(14) What do you call it when your father-in-law goes indoors?... An inside joke.
(15) SLAP!
(16) For real this time