I opened my eyes only to be greeted by a harsh white light. I snapped them shut again before opening my eyes slowly.
Where the fuck was I?
My head throbbed as did most of my body, especially below the waist. I was hooked up to numerous drips and other machines. Suddenly, the memories came flooding back.
I was angry at Andy so I didn't go home. There was a man and he grabbed me.
My breathing quickened and it felt like my chest was going to explode. Tears leaked out of my eyes as I remembered what had happened. There was an insistent beeping noise coming from one of the machines as my heart rate sped up.
“Rose!” I heard someone say as a nurse and a doctor came into my room.
“Rose, I want you to listen to me.” I looked at the female doctor in front of me. I couldn't stop breathing heavily, I felt like I was going to die. I nodded quickly, my heart constricting.
“You need to breathe slowly for me, okay? Like this.” She demonstrated breathing slower, her chest rising and falling. I calmed down a little as I copied her.
“That's right, well done.” She praised. My heart rate slowed down as did my breathing. “How are you feeling? It's good to see you awake.” She smiled warmly at me.
“I feel sick.” I admitted, leaving out how unclean I felt.
“Well, you haven't eaten anything. Would you like something, a sandwich maybe?” She offered. I shook my head, not able to stomach food right now.
“Okay, well call one of the nurses if you need anything. Get some rest.” She smiled again and then left, the nurse following her. I was alone again, staring at the pastel blue walls. I wondered if the guys knew where I was. Also, how did I end up here? I shrugged it off, sinking into the bed. I closed my eyes, feeling disgusting. Soon, sleep took over, images of last night flashing across my mind.
*
I woke up with a start, feeling sweaty. I let out a few breaths before I felt a hand slip into mine. I flinched, snatching my hand away.
“What the fuck do you think you're doing?!” I screamed. I began to panic, on the verge of hysteria.
“Rose! Rose, it's me.” I looked up and saw Andy's face, his eyes filled with worry and sympathy. I glanced around the room and saw that Jinxx, Jake, CC and Ashley were huddled together, sadness etched on their faces.
“I-I'm sorry. I didn't know you were here.” I gulped, feeling stupid. The guys stood up, making their way over to me. They hugged me in turn but I didn't return it. With every hug, the feeling of uneasiness grew. I couldn't push them away but I wanted to. I began to fidget as CC acknowledged my discomfort and pulled away.
“We’re going to catch the bastard who did this to you, Rose.” Ashley said fiercely. I nodded weakly, tears in my eyes.
“We're so sorry.” Jake apologised. I didn't say anything as I heard Andy speak.
“Could you, uh...” He nodded to the door and the others got the message.
“We'll see you later, Rose. Bye.” Jinxx smiled as they exited the room.
I looked at Andy who was focussing on my face. A blush crept up my neck and I played with my hands.
“I'm sorry.” He blurted out.
“What?” I furrowed my eyebrows.
“It's my fault.” Said Andy. I looked at him, urging him to elaborate. “If I hadn't argued with you, you wouldn't have stormed off and then you wouldn't have been...” His eyes dropped to the floor as he ran a hand through his hair.
“Raped.” I replied bluntly. My harsh tone caught his attention.
“I'm so sorry.” I saw that tears had formed in his eyes and my face softened.
“It's not your fault, Andy. If anything, it's mine.”
“Don't you dare, Rose. Don't you fucking dare. It wasn't your fault and you know it.” He said forcefully, his tears disappearing from his steely blue eyes. He reached out to touch me but I moved away.
“Please, don't.” I spoke timidly as hot tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t have him touching me. Not now.
“I'm not him, sweetie.” Andy tried to reassure. I still shook my head as I sobbed.
“Please.” I begged, burying my face in my hands. I knew it pained him to see me like this when he couldn't do anything but I just couldn't handle him touching me no matter how much I desperately wanted him to.
“Okay, Rosie.” He agreed, smiling softly. I didn't say anything back to him for a little while. I just stared at the blank walls in front of me.
I glanced at the time and it was quite late. I yawned, feeling tired. He stood up to leave.
“I should go, you probably want to rest.” Andy said.
“Don't leave me here on my own.” I replied, looking up at him. He smiled sympathetically as he sat back down again.
“I won't.” He whispered. I closed my eyes again, wanting to sleep.
“Goodnight, Rose.” I heard Andy speak as I fell into a deep sleep.
*
My eyelids fluttered open as I woke up again. I noticed that Andy had fallen asleep in the chair which meant that he hadn't gone home. A brief smile crossed my face as I watched him sleep. He must have been very uncomfortable as he had a frown on his face. I looked away as my staring was a little weird. A woman entered the room giving me a small smile.
“Rose, how are you?” She asked. I narrowed my eyes.
“Well, I've been better.” I told her. She nodded, taking a seat.
“I'm Detective Taylor and I want to help you. I’ve been assigned to your case.” She told me. I nodded wearily. She made it sound so clinical.
“I know this is going to be hard but do you think you could tell me what happened that night?” Detective Taylor asked. I hesitated, pulling at a loose thread on the duvet. Andy stirred, waking up. He yawned as he smiled at me. He looked at the detective and grimaced.
“Rose?” She pressed.
“Erm...” I glanced at Andy, wanting him to leave as I didn't want him to hear what I was going to say. He wasn't getting the message and he continued to sit there.
“Sir, can I speak to her alone?” The detective insisted.
“Don't you want me here?” Andy looked at me with eyes full of hurt.
“I just -”
“I'm going.” He exited the room, shutting the door loudly behind him. I let out an exasperated sigh as the detective placed a hand on my arm. This didn’t bother me, she was a woman.
“So, that night?” She gave me an encouraging smile before I began to tell her all that I could remember.
“I left Andy's house in the morning, pissed off with him. We'd had an argument and I couldn't face him.” I admitted.
“And this was about you sleeping with someone, yes?” I nodded.
“I know it sounds really stupid but I really like Andy but he's got a girlfriend and I just wasn't thinking straight.” I babbled. She just gave me a sad smile.
“It doesn't sound stupid.”
“It's my fault, anyway.” I mumbled.
“It is never your fault, okay? Never.” Detective Taylor insisted. I sighed, doubt in my mind.
“Then what?” She asked softly.
“Well, I heard footsteps and voices and then a hand was around my mouth and I got dragged into the erm, alleyway. He hit me and pushed me onto the ground where he, he...” Tears rolled down my face as I remembered.
“Did he say anything to you?” She asked, her face sympathetic. I nodded, silent for a while.
“He, er...said that I was pretty and to shut up when I screamed. He also said that he was going to go easy on me but because I'd yelled, he changed his mind.” I sobbed into my hands. “That's all I remember.”
“You did well, sweetie. We’re doing our best to find him, okay? You get some rest now and if you remember anything else, call me.” She handed me her card before giving me a weak smile and leaving.
I cried harder, my whole body shaking. The door clicked and I heard a gasp. I carried on sobbing, my breathing becoming heavier. I felt two arms wrap around my shoulders and I froze.
My whole body shook with fear. I began to fidget, trying to escape the arms that were around me. Andy quickly stepped back.
“I'm so sorry, I didn't think! It won't happen again.” Words tumbled out of his mouth as he apologised.
“Just stay away from me.” I begged, hot tears falling onto the white bed sheets.
“Wh-what?” He said, disbelief in his eyes.
“Please.” I breathed. Andy closed his eyes before opening them, pain clouding his haunting blue orbs.
“I'm sorry. So, so sorry.”
*Two Weeks Later*
I was back at home after a few days. I wasn't in any physical pain anymore and the police were still investigating what had happened. I'd been advised to see a therapist but I just couldn't go. I was barely speaking to anybody, I didn't eat or sleep and all I did was one thing.
Cut.
No matter how many times I showered or scrubbed my skin until it was raw, I still felt unclean. I was still dirty. I cried when I should have been sleeping and I knew it was terrible for the others. The guys probably didn't get any sleep anymore but there was nothing I could do. I didn't want to be like this but I couldn’t help myself. I'd convinced myself that it was my entire fault and that if I hadn't been such a slut, it would never have happened. It had truly traumatised me and I felt so wrong.
I pushed the food to the sides of my plate, feeling sick.
“Sweetie, you have to eat something.” CC advised. I didn't respond and instead, I got up from the table, going up to my room.
“Don't...” I heard someone say but I had already locked myself inside, looking for my razor blade.
I dragged it across the skin of my wrist, feeling nothing but pain - just what I wanted. The blood dripped down my arm and onto the floor. I hated this so much. Just when I was starting to get better, I was back to square one. I cried as I grabbed a towel and cleaned it all up.
All this time, Andy hadn't really spoken to me. I needed him so much but he just busied himself with the band or Lauren or something. I pushed him away in the first place. The others were really supportive even if I wasn't cooperating with them. They knew not to touch me because even the slightest feel would set me off. Jake had learnt that a few days ago. I clamped my hand over my mouth, muffling my cries. I climbed into my bed, growing very tired. I couldn't sleep, though. Every time I did, I replayed that night in my head. My throat was raw from screaming so much.
Instead, Andy flashed across my mind. He really had no idea how much I wanted him to just hold me, tell me everything was going to be alright. When the detectives said it, when Ashley said it, it didn't seem real. If Andy told me, I might just believe him. I had told him to stay away from me but I was angry, my emotions were everywhere. Of course I didn't want that. But if he did put his arms around me or place a hand on me, how would I react? I'd scream and start crying, thinking that history would be repeated. I was being stupid because I knew Andy would never do that.
It pained me to catch that look in his eyes as he stared at me. It was something I'd never seen, a mixture of anger, sadness and resent. What he resented, I didn't know. All I knew was that by coming here, I'd caused them all misery. Jinxx, CC, Jake, Ashley and Andy were no longer their usual selves. I never heard them laugh anymore; it was if they were scared to have fun around me, as if I was going to break down.
My eyes closed as I grudgingly fell asleep. A part of me wished that I would never wake up.
*
Andy's POV
Her cries.
Those are what shook me. Every night, I'd hear them from my room. I tried blocking it out but it was no use. I heard them all. The angry, red lines on her wrists panicked me. What if she decided to go too deep? I couldn't lose her, not like this.
She didn't talk to anyone anymore. Her guards were up and nobody was getting in. When I went to sleep, her words reverberated in my head.
Stay away from me.
I didn't know if she still meant it or not but I did stay away from her. It had to have been for the best because I didn't want to overstep my mark and set her off. Even the slightest wrong move caused her to panic. I wasn't blaming her, of course. Rose was in so much pain and she felt so helpless that she had no idea how to deal with it.
If what she was doing helped her, then I couldn't exactly stop her. Even if I tried, she wouldn’t listen to me. I hadn't told her the amount of hate she was getting. People called her a whore but they didn't know the full story. Saying that, most of the fans were really genuine and heartfelt. We hadn't been on Twitter for a while; we wanted it to die down. Rose shut herself away most of the time. She didn't eat or sleep very well. That really worried Ashley the most out of all of us. He was protective over her, seeing her as a sister. When he heard the news, he was absolutely devastated.
I watched her as she pushed her food around her plate, earning looks from us all. CC piped up, telling her that she had to eat. She ignored him and ran up to her room. We all heard the cries, wincing as they echoed around the house. We stopped eating and I abruptly stood up.
“She can't go on like this.” I spoke, my voice barely a whisper.
“Don't act like you even care.” Ashley spat as the things on the table shook when he got up.
I looked at him with wide eyes.
Of course I cared.