Note: not really edited.
Chapter 13
"Maybe you two should wait a while before having kids." My mother warily suggested as we sat down in the uncomfortable chairs provided for visitors in the county hospital. Oh yeah, you heard me right, we were at the county hospital where, yes, my aunt Maya was currently admitted. Yup, my aunt fainted, she freaking fainted and went into diabetic shock. Well I guess I can check that task off my list of things to do before I die: Kill Someone!
"You think?" I questioned sarcastically. Apparently the whole babysitting idea was just a ploy by my mother. Rafaella did have plans to go out with Harry tonight though, which went well as they agreed to joint custody of their son and an attempt at reconciliation. The whole needing Ezra and I to babysit, however, was all my mother. She convinced aunt Maya to go out for the night so Ezra and I could experience all the wonders of raising a child- yeah, her words not mine. I don't know if you've picked up on this yet, but my mother really wants another grandchild; if only she could remember that she has other children who are capable of fullfilling that wish too.
"Uh, well... its different when its your own child, really." I snorted at my mother's crappy attempt to convince her teenage daughter to get knocked up as soon as possible, yeah right. My mother gave me a a half-assed hopeful look but diverted her attention as the doctor entered the room.
"Hello, my name is Dr. Whittaker, I have the results back from Maya's blood tests and....." The doctor droned as I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I excused myself to the restroom so that I could read it without everyone thinking I'm some heartless ass who couldn't care less about my sick aunt.... who I almost killed. Besides, I won't understand all the medical jargan the doctor uses anyway, I'll just get the cliffnotes version from my mom afterwards. Flipping open my phone, I click on the new message with a sigh. Its from my sister; I just saw her like an hour ago, what else could she possibly want from my life?
"What is your opinion of little people?" My sister asked in her text. What the Fuck?!?!
"WTF, why??" I wrote her back nervously, why the hell would she need to know how I felt about little people?
"How about Brazilian waxing?" Oh no! Oh no, no, no!
"That depends, am I going to be the one getting the Brazilian wax or is the little person?" I texted back trying to buy time. I knew what Cara was doing, and once again I internally screamed at agreeing to allow her to plan my bachelorette party. Of all the sick and twisted things she could do to me, she was going to have a little person rip the hairs out from inbetweeen my legs the night before I get married! What kind of evil psychopath am I related to?!?!
I felt my phone vibrate and relunctantly flipped open the screen.
"Hey baby, how's your aunt?" It was a text from Ezra.I heaved a sigh of relief.
"Uh... fine, my mom is talking to her doctor right now." I texted him back just as I received another message from Cara, she was seriously aggravating me today.
"You know what I mean, Carmella, now answer the question!" What the hell?!?! She cannot just demand personal information from me. I sat down on one of the hallway chairs and groaned, isn't the bachelorette party supposed to be about me? Aren't I supposed to be happy? Well, I'm not happy! I felt my phone vibrate again and forcefully ripped open my phone, pressing reply to the message without even reading it.
"I don't know who you think you are, but the state of my girly areas and the people I give access to them is none of your goddam business!" I texted back, using a bit too much force on the send button. No more than thirty seconds later, however, I felt my phone vibrate again. Taking a quick breath to calm myself, I flipped open my phone to read whatever ridiculous reply Cara had sent me.
"WTF Carmella?!?! Other than yourself I am the only one who should have access to your girly areas!! Are you giving anyone else access to your girly areas?!?! Has anyone else ever had access to your girly areas?!?!" The text read. Ok, I can honestly say I was not expecting that answer from my sister, it didn't really make sense, unless.... Oh crap!
"I'm too sexy for my shirt,
Too sexy for my shirt,
So sexy it hurts..
I'm too sexy for my cat,
Too sexy for my cat,
Poor pussy, poor pussycat!"
My phone vibrated as the song continued to play on loop. I looked down at the caller I.D, though I already knew who was calling. Well this just sucks! My hands slightly shaking, I flipped open my phone and gingerly brought it to my ear.
"Hey baby, whats up?" I cheered into the phone with as much fake enthusiasm as I could muster. I was barely able to get all my words out before Ezra's voice came booming out of the speaker, causing me to flinch at the ghastly volume of his voice and pull the phone away from my ear.
"Who the fuck has been digging around in your girly parts Carmella?!?! You tell me right now!"
I scrunched my face up in disgust at the current state of my life. Not only was I terrorized by a child greatly in need of an exorcism today, but I am currently covered in his vomit sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair which is probably the only thing that has been puked on more times than me today, while I wait to find out if I killed my aunt or not. All the while contemplating the various ways my sister may be planning to have little people molest me, and now this! And to top everything off there is a gross, moldy old lady eavesdropping on my conversation while giving me the evil eye, unless her eye is just stuck like that and thats why she's in the hospital. This is a very cruel world, I must say.
"Yeah, about that... see I didn't mean to send you that text.... and Cara was being evil, and uh... there were little people, possibly with hot wax..." I mumbled out nervously in a pathetic attempt to explain to Ezra that, yes, as of today my lady parts remain a no-man's land. Have I mentioned how extremely embarrasing this is?
"What?!? Little people, hot wax... what the hell is going on?" Dammit, how did I get myself into this situation? Lifting myself up off the hard chair, and easing away from the lady with the googlie eyes who now had her hairy chin resting on my shoulder as she listened to my conversation, I made my way up the hallway and back towards aunt Maya's room.
"Ezra, listen to me ok? You have nothing to worry about, it was just a miscommunication. I am still.... untouched there, and I promise that other than myself, and perhaps some bodywaxing little people, you will be the only one to venture where no man has ever ventured before, ok? It was just Cara trying to piss me off and you got in the way, so just calm down and forget that the last twenty minutes ever happened.... at least for the sake of my ego, please?" I begged Ezra as I neared the doorway of Maya's room.
"So you sure there's nothing going on, and this was just a misscomunication?" Ezra asked cautiously, still sounding slightly unsure of the whole situation. I sighed in relief that he at least wasn't upset anymore.
"Yes, love, I promise, nothing at all to worry about." I gently placed my hand on the doorknob as I lowered my voice to answer Ezra. Why can't he just say everything is fine already so I can hang up, go home and shower, then fall asleep. This day seriously needs to just end!
"Oh, ok then. Sorry for blowing up at you though." Ezra replied sheepishly over the phone.
"Its fine, don't worry about it, all is forgiven. Listen I have to go now, the, uh... doctor wants to talk to me so..."
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow baby. Oh, and by the way, when it comes to waxing I would prefer to have you just take everything off. I mean, I know its up to you and all, but I'm not into the triangle, but I can tolerate the landing strip if your not good with pain." I froze in my spot and removed my hand from the doorknob. Was this kid serious?
"Excuse me?" I asked, my voice earily calm. Ezra replied, oblivious to the change in my voice or my mood. Oh, that poor, poor boy.
"I'm just saying that I'm not really into a lot of hair, it kind of itches."
"Oh yeah, and how many girls did you have to plow through to figure that out, huh?" I screeched back, becoming irrational. Hey, at least I can admit it.
"Oh no, Carmella, I didn't mean it like that, really, its just-" I cut Ezra off before he could even finish his excuse. I am having a bad day, I am PMSing and the googlie eyed lady keeps blowing me kisses from across the hall. This was not the day to start with me.
"You know what, don't even try to explain yourself, because my body is my business, and my business alone. So, sorry if you have certain prefrences but I am not gonna wax all the hair out of between my legs just because it itches you." I screamed into my phone before snapping it shut and spinning around to bust through the door. Of course, because I am me and the universe hates me, the door was already opened with Dr. Whittaker standing there and gauping at me with a disturbed look on his face.
You know what, I think this is the most embarrassed I have ever been in my entire life. My entire body scorched and blushed an evil shade of crimson. The doctor shifted uncomfortably before literally darting down the hallway and away from me, the crazy girl and, as the entire hospital now knows, my unkempt pubic hair. I could faintly hear the googlie eyed lady laughing at me from down the hallway, but I ignored her as I turned to my mother sorrowfully.
"Can we please go home now?" I whispered out, an absolutely pathetic look across my face I'm sure. My mother simply nodded her head yes before slinging her harm across my shoulder and guiding me out of the hospital and into the parking lot.
When we were finally in the car after slugishly making our way through the parking lot, I remembered the reason why we were here in the first place.
"So how's Aunt Maya?" I asked my mother quietly from the passanger's seat.
"She's good, awake and fully conscious. She'll be able to go home tomorrow." My mother replied gently as she yielded to a pedestrian crossing the street and into the hospital while holding his crotch as if his life depended on it.
"Was she mad?" I asked cautiously, afraid of the answer.
"Yeah, about that..... you and Ezra are sort of never allowed inside her house again....ever." My mother stated with finality.
"That bad, huh?" I winced at the thought of what I had done to her home.
"Oh yeah, Carmella. She has decided to use the money that she was going to give you for your wedding on repairs, and sweetheart, that won't even cover the water damage on the cieling!" My mother shook her head as the pedestrian finally made his way across the street and we could pull up to the stop sign. I looked down at my lap frowning, thinking back over the day. Everything was going so great until I woke up this morning!
"Well, look at it this way, at least you don't have to babysit anymore." My mom offered, a slight smile tugging at her lips. I analyzed that fact for a moment. Was destroying my aunts home, nearly killing her, selling my soul to the devil, I mean Cara, and completely humiliating myself infront of my boyfriend and the County Hospital night crew worth never having to babysit that little demon again?
Fuck Yeah!
I heard the right turn signal of the car begin to click as my mother pulled to the exit of the parking lot. I peered out my window at the hospital, watching the people move around inside the glass building. Gazing up into the tall windows, I could just make out someone waving at me from the second story. Squinting my eyes at the person I realized it was the googlie eyed lady that was waving at me, her arm fat flapping in the wind. I just managed to smile and give a quick wave back before two rather large male nurses grabbed a hold of either side of her and dragged her back into the room and shutting the window. I smiled to myself.
Oh you crazy, googlie eyed old people with cottage cheesy arm fat- you really do make the world go round!
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Note: Yes, I'm back, I know its been a while but at least I didn't abandon you forever. Theres gonna be three more chaps left and then thats it, story over. After this I will focus on "That Bastard Got Me Pregnant?!? Welcome to Hell" then a redo of "Tamper Proof". I know this chap wasn't that great, but I felt a little rusty writing it. Hopefully the next chapters will be better. Thanks for sticking with me!
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~Corinne