Chapter 5: Facing the Truth
Date: Two and a half months before Tobias's Choosing Ceremony (April)
*Beatrice POV*
I quietly walk through the halls of school thinking about the science class lesson plan from earlier today. The teacher explained how the brain is working at all times, even when we are in a deep sleep. When the subject of dreams came up I felt my body stiffen as I quickly maintained control to keep my face neutral.
Although it has been two weeks since my last nightmare, it is the last thing I think about as I close my eyes every night. I am terrified my dreams will haunt me again, dark images that consume me and make my grief unbearable.
It has also been two weeks since Tobias was in my bedroom and we kissed. I nod my head as I try to shake the image out of my mind. Thankfully we both agree, it was a mistake at so many levels and we need to move forward.
The day after the kiss started as awkward, but by the middle of the day I missed my friend. I could tell he missed me as well. We briefly discussed it one more time, aside from being siblings, our behavior was completely inappropriate for Abnegation and not a road either of us wanted to go down. We made up that day and have not looked back.
I sit on the steps where Tobias and I have agreed to always meet after school. As we are two years apart, our classes never overlap and his classes are always on the second floor. It is usually me that has to sit and wait for him to make it out of the building.
I sit down and enjoy the breeze, it is a little chilly but still quite pleasant weather. I am enjoying the fresh air. I watch as a couple of different families walk down the road, the mother and father always standing at opposite sides of the walk with no physical contact between them. I think about Mother and Marcus, for the first time I am tremendously grateful to live in such a conservative faction. I would be disgusted if I had to witness any kind of affection between my mother and that man.
I know now, without a doubt, that he can't stand me and he wants me out of his home as soon as possible. I was delivering dinner for my parents at the assembly hall the other evening, Tobias was supposed to come with me but we were very behind on our chores because of homework. I remember how anxious Tobias was; he genuinely seemed panicked that we were so behind schedule.
We came to the agreement that he would continue the chore of cleaning the fireplace while I went alone to deliver their dinner as they needed to work late. We knew that the expectation would have been that Tobias pause his chores and escort me, but we were short on time. I went alone and had a plan to deliver the food without getting caught alone.
As I quietly entered the hall, I knew if I left the clearly labeled bag of food on the reception table that I could get away without being seen, and they would still get their dinner. They would have no idea that Tobias didn't escort me.
What I had not anticipated is that Marcus and Jonah, another council member, would be walking down the empty hallway right as I was about to drop off the bag of food. I froze in fear, my instinct telling me that it would be a very bad thing if it was discovered that Tobias disobeyed Marcus's orders and did not walk me here so late in the evening.
Being small has its advantages; I was able to hide behind a pillar undetected. It was then that I heard the conversation between Marcus and Jonah. Marcus was being very aggressive in insisting that since my birthday was so close to me being eighteen at next year's Choosing Ceremony that he wanted to make sure that I could go through the process early. Just hearing his tone, and his insistence...it was very obvious he wants me out of his home in one year, not the two that is scheduled.
Jonah stood firm and reminded him of all of the problems we had just experienced with Erudite. Marcus bending the rules for his daughter would be not only frowned upon but could be an issue that Abnegation would pay for later. Marcus then asked if Jonah would be willing to alter my hidden birth certificate and change it to list my date of birth as being the needed couple of weeks earlier. My mouth fell open, this man is desperate for me to leave. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. Jonah refused on principle and reminded Marcus that Candor also holds the master lists of citizens' birth information. It would not be worth the risk. I could hear the confusion in Jonah's voice. I don't know him well, but he has known me my entire life as he was a friend of my father's.
As their voices trailed off the further away they walked, I wiped away my silent tears. It was not that I craved Marcus's love and acceptance, it was just the bitterness I felt at how much my life had changed since my father and Caleb died.
I never told my mother or Tobias what I heard that day. There would be no point. Instead I just filed it away and made a note to stay out of Marcus's way as much as possible.
Suddenly I realize I have been sitting on the school steps for an excessive amount of time. Tobias has never been this late. I have enjoyed people watching and being in my own thoughts for quite a while now. Tobias is very late in meeting me for our walk home.
I wonder if something happened today and he is not coming. Maybe he went home ill and I was not informed? Or maybe he needed to stay after class to work on an assignment? I decide I can't sit on the steps and wait any longer. I have a lot of homework to do this evening and we have a big dinner planned as Marcus gave us specific instructions on what we were to cook and what time dinner was to be served, the meal being one of his favorites.
I walk back into the school and look around the first floor to make sure I don't accidentally pass Tobias while he is on his way out to meet me. I then decide to go to the second floor where the classrooms for the older students are.
Having climbed a flight of stairs, I look into the main hallway just in time to see Tobias and an Abnegation girl his age talking and laughing. Tobias is leaning against the wall as he holds his books in front of him. The girl is a few feet away from him as she is adjusting her backpack straps across her chest. I see that she laughs at something he says and then bites her lip and smiles. He smiles back, his eyes are bright.
I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach. Tobias has literally left me waiting outside while he hangs out after school and flirts with another girl. I turn and walk away, careful not to draw his attention. I walk down the stairs and out of the front door of the school. I don't look back as I quickly walk home. I bite my lip to make the tears that threaten to fall go away. I am not only hurt...I am really mad.
A few minutes later I hear Tobias yell my name as he is frantically running to catch up to me. I just keep walking at my steady pace.
"Beatrice! Wait, please," he gasps as he finally catches up to me. I calculate that he must have run very fast as I had left the school a while ago.
"Oh, hello," I mumble.
I see that he is frowning at me from the corner of my eye. "You know that I am supposed to walk you home, why did you just leave?"
I stop walking and turn to him, crossing my arms across my chest. "Yes, you and I both know that you are required to walk me home after school...not thirty minutes after school. I have a lot of things to do - - so I waited on the steps for quite a while and then I decided to walk myself home."
His face falls, and he looks at the ground for a moment. I am seething mad, but fighting hard to keep my face neutral. "You are right, I did take too long. I apologize, Beatrice," he says softly.
"Fine, no harm done. Next time you have something...more important to do, just let me know ahead of time. I don't need you to walk me," I say evenly, straining to keep the contempt out of my tone.
"I like walking with you," Tobias mumbles watching my face.
I roll my eyes and keep walking. He notices and frowns. He clears his throat, "I got a new school assignment and I was working out the details with my assigned lab partner..."
I notice he didn't mention his lab partner was a pretty Abnegation girl that has a sweet laugh. "I didn't ask. I don't really care what you were doing. I just don't deserve to be left waiting. Your father has a long list of chores for us this evening...so let's just get moving."
"Wait, seriously...I am sorry, Beatrice," he says firmly.
I nod in silence and keep walking. I am so angry I can hardly see straight.
As we near the house Tobias asks me if I realize how much trouble he'd get in if Marcus found out he didn't walk me home. I feel my skin prickle...that is what this is all about. He is worried about Marcus. He doesn't care about me.
"Ok, my fault. I should have just sat on the ground and waited another twenty minutes in the hopes you might show up. So sorry," I snap.
Tobias has the good sense to keep his mouth shut at that point.
When we almost reach the house, Tobias tries to joke with me, "So this is pretty much our first brother-sister fight! I think you can take the win for this one since I was in the wrong."
Did he really just say that to me? He can't even remember that we already had our first fight? I can see how memorable I am!
I look at him and force a smile, even though I want to scowl at him. "Second fight. The first was during our walk home the Sunday you helped the Black family with their project." I then turn my attention forward so I can pretend I am not stuck walking home with him.
Tobias frowns and we make the rest of the walk home in silence.
++o++
I feel an odd sense of relief as Marcus carefully inspects each dish and seems pleased. I have learned that when he makes a specific meal request he expects it to be made to perfection. The first time we made this dish he informed me that I needed to let Tobias lead, so I could be careful not to ruin his meal.
As Tobias and I sit in silence while mother and Marcus talk. I begin to wonder what my life will be like after Tobias goes through his choosing ceremony and leaves this house. I have no idea what his plans are, I would guess that he is well suited for Abnegation and I could see him staying here. His discussions with Marcus imply that he will be staying in this faction.
Marcus interrupts my thoughts when he clears his throat and asks everyone to stop eating so that we can listen to him.
"Everyone, as you know Tobias's Choosing Ceremony is only two and a half months away. The moment he has his ceremony he will begin the process of becoming a standalone, contributing member of Abnegation." My mother nods at him, she has a genuine smile on her face as she looks back and forth between the two men at the table.
I keep a frozen smile on my face as I imagine Marcus is going to make a father-like speech about how important Choosing day and then Initiation is, and that he expects perfection from his son. I am not anticipating what he says next.
"As his father, and as leader of this faction, I must ensure that my son has the very best. I want to get an early start on picking the best wife for Tobias," Marcus says proudly. I see that mother's eyes widen and a frown touches her lips. I don't think she was expecting that either.
Marcus notices her reaction and scowls at her, she quickly recovers by saying that she was so impressed at what a smart idea Marcus had, and it is something that would never have occurred to her. He then smiles proudly accepting her praise. I know my mother well, she is lying. She is appalled by this, but unable to admit it.
For the remainder of the meal mother looks at Marcus when he addresses her, or her food, not once looking at Tobias or me.
"Natalie, I have made a list of Abnegation families that have suitable young women that will be going through initiation with Tobias in a couple of months. I will work out an excuse to have the family over for a friendly dinner, but everyone sitting at this table is going to have an assignment," Marcus says happily.
"Even you, children. We will all be examining the possible bride, any siblings and of course her parents. And every evening after they have left I will expect a full report on your findings and observations," he says darkly while looking at me. He probably thinks I am so incompetent that I will not be able to contribute. I hate this man.
Marcus continues on with his plan and rationale, he points out how important it is for Tobias to align himself with the correct woman that will support him and be a true example of Abnegation.
My mind is reeling and for a moment I feel as though my half eaten dinner is going to rise up and come back out. I genuinely feel sick to my stomach. The thought of Tobias marrying another girl makes me crazy. I was so upset by his flirting earlier today, I try to imagine standing at his wedding...as his sister. I am sure I will be forced to call the new interloper my new sister, as well.
I look at Tobias for any sign of how he may be feeling, he looks calm and collected as he eats his food. On occasion he answers Marcus with a respectful "yes sir," or a nod, at one point Tobias even praises his father for caring so much to put effort into finding him a decent wife.
I am chewing my food, and I am suddenly overcome with heartache. Tobias is all on board, he is probably overjoyed of the prospect of Marcus parading suitable Abnegation girls around to perform for them. Maybe his new lab partner will have made it onto Marcus's special list.
I am suddenly angry. I can barely see straight I am so upset. I make it through dinner easily, as I am completely ignored. When dinner is over I offer to clean up on my own, as the rest of the family has so much important planning to do. Marcus smiles at me appreciatively and nods. My mother is still making it a point to stare at her plate. Tobias insists on helping me, admitting to his father that in his attempt to make the meal perfect, there is a larger amount of cleanup needed in the kitchen than usual.
Marcus nods and waves us away. He leans over to my mother and begins discussing the initial criteria for his list. My mother has a frozen smile on her face. I know from our past discussions that she is a strong believer in true love and finding the right partner for life that will make you happy. It is how she described what my father was for her.
As I am placing dishes into the sink, I think back to her words at my father's funeral...her prayer that I will know a love as wonderful and pure as what she experienced with my father...a picture of Tobias flashes across my mind. I release the air I had been holding and use my hands to steady myself at the sink. I am overcome with sadness and pain. I have never felt as alone as I do in this moment.
"Beatrice, are you ok?" Tobias whispers from behind me as he cautiously places his hands on my shoulders.
I immediately shrug his hands away and remind him not to touch me...ever. He takes a step back, looking dejected and sad. I don't speak to him as I quickly do the dishes and clean the kitchen. I pretend he is not even in the room.
He tries a couple of times to talk to me, but I just nod or ignore him completely.
Once the chores are done I walk out into the dining room where our parents are enjoying a cup of tea. Marcus is still scheming for Tobias's future.
"Father, Mother...please forgive me, but I am not feeling well. May I please be excused for the remainder of the evening? I would like to go to sleep early and get some rest. I hope to be better by tomorrow," I ask politely.
Marcus smiles at the idea and encourages me to go right to sleep, that I am very wise to recognize when I am not feeling well. I nod thanks to him and my mother and turn to walk out of the room, making it a point to ignore my brother completely. Tobias is watching me closely and he turns to follow me to the bottom of the stairs.
"Are you sure you are ok? You have acted strange all evening...you know you can talk to me. About anything," he whispers, I can hear the concern in his voice.
He should save his concern for someone who matters, like his lab partner and/or future wife. I have no energy or desire to respond. Without looking at him, I walk past quietly and go straight to my bedroom and quickly shut the door. I have nothing to say to him.
Once I am alone I release the air I had been holding. And with that the tears begin to stream down my face. I place my hand over my mouth to control my sobs. I will allow myself to cry for just a moment, and then I know I will need to get over it.
I laugh at how my life has turned out. Though my father would not ever be so callous to plan Caleb's future and parade suitable prospects in and out of our home, had this been Caleb instead of my Tobias, I would not be suffering this way.
My Tobias. I let out a bitter laugh. The truth is he is not 'my' anything. And the sooner I accept it, the easier my life will become.
++o++
*Tobias POV*
I lay in bed quietly for hours, long after the house is silent. My mind is racing, and not in a good way. I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my chest. I feel incredibly sad.
It pains me when she is not happy, especially when it is obvious she is not happy with me.
It was a poor decision on my part to leave her waiting so long after school. Our teacher kept most of us after class as lab partners were painstakingly assigned. Luke Clark is my partner and I am looking forward to working with him. He and his girlfriend, Kimberly, have their entire lives planned out. They are already in love, both their families are thrilled and they both know they will be picking Abnegation at our Choosing Ceremony in a couple of months.
Luke always walks Kimberly to her home after school, he is very protective of her already. I can tell he really cares for her and he strives to treat her well. And she is a bubbly girl that seems to have never seen a sad day in her life. As we were finally able to leave class with our assignments, Luke asked me to wait with Kimberly in the hall for a moment while he needed to use the restroom. I was already worried about having left Beatrice waiting so long but I didn't feel I could say no. Thinking back, I wish I had told them that my sister was waiting for me on the steps and that Luke should have met us there. But I didn't think he would take so long!
I was frantic when I finally made it outside and there was no Beatrice. Of course I know that my father would love any possible excuse to "teach me a lesson...for my own good", but for a moment I felt actual panic at not knowing where she was. I felt sick to my stomach as I ran home while scanning the streets to make sure I didn't miss her. If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself.
As I was running, it dawned on me. I really care about her, in so many ways. It had been two weeks since our kiss, which of course was a mistake and wrong. But I know I intensely care for her, and a part of me knows that I always will.
Although she was very mad when I caught up to her, I was relieved to see that she was in fact fine. So I just decided to apologize and take responsibility and then allow her time to cool off. Beatrice can be pretty hot headed, so I am learning to give her the time she needs to cool down. She is so passionate, and I love that about her.
Love.
Stop. I need to stop with that.
Especially since Marcus is planning my life. I wonder if he will give me a manual on what I should do on my wedding night to the poor unsuspecting girl he decides to bring into his demented fold. He is getting more and more controlling. It took every ounce of self-control in my body for me not to laugh at him during dinner.
There is no damn way that man is going to pick my wife, as there is no damn way that I am going to be able to stay in Abnegation. As my choosing ceremony draws closer and closer he is becoming more and more unhinged. His punishments are forced to be less frequent as the women are often home, but when he can get to me it is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I cringe thinking about how violent he has become. Part of me worries that he can sense that I can almost taste my freedom. As though he intuitively knows I can't wait to get the hell away from him.
I have accepted that I am the problem. Maybe it's because I am Evelyn's child. Or maybe I did something as a child I can't even recall. Marcus is this way with me, I'm the one who brings his monsters out.
His violence is reserved for me alone. At least I know that he doesn't feel that deep seeded hatred for Natalie or Beatrice.
And then a deep regret hits me, I have genuinely grown to love Natalie. It pains me to leave her and of course Beatrice behind. But I do not think I can survive here much longer.
Beatrice.
And now I am laying here for hours and unable to sleep. I feel as though there is a stack of bricks laying on my chest. I can't stand the distance that is between her and me. I crave her in so many ways, but having her as a close friend and someone I can really talk to is what keeps me sane.
I need her, I need her in my life and I can't let her slip away from me. Maybe I am selfish, but it is how I feel.
I bite my lip and putting aside my better judgement I slip on my house shoes and quietly leave my room and walk across the hall to her door. I have learned that both Natalie and Marcus are very heavy sleepers. There have been a few late nights when I needed to tend to my brutal wounds and I was unable to stop myself from crying out. I was sure I would wake someone in the house; but all remained asleep.
I breathe in and out to calm my nerves before slowly slipping into Beatrice's room. I am shocked when I see that her bed is empty. For a moment I panic and then I remember who I am searching for.
The roof.
I remember her telling me her route to the roof and I quickly follow her instructions. As I pull myself up and she comes into my line of sight, I pause. She is sitting on the floor of the roof with a blanket wrapped tightly around her. Her knees are pulled up to her chest and her face is buried in her knees. She looks so sad, my heart instantly clenches with pain.
I announce myself by softly calling her name, what I don't expect is for her to look at me with disdain. "Why are you here? Go away Tobias," she mumbles.
Now I am getting irritated. Yes, I made her wait on the school steps for thirty minutes. Yes it was rude. But I apologized. Enough is enough.
"Beatrice Prior! I have had it with your attitude. Stop it, just stop," I say forcibly as I walk over to her and sit down next to her. She frowns and looks away.
"I want to be alone, is that too much to ask?" she says quietly, while still not looking at me.
"For someone that doesn't feel well it is pretty stupid of you to be sitting outside on the roof. It is still chilly out," I say, the irritation I feel spilling onto my voice.
"Fine! You sit out here, then. Your presence just made this spot less appealing anyway!" she hisses.
Now she is just being mean, and I don't like it. "Too bad, wherever you go, I am going to follow you, whether you like it or not," I say teasingly and laugh as her eyes look more rage filled by the moment.
"Look, I don't want to spend time with you. You are not my brother and the truth is, you are not really anything else to me either. We can pretend the sibling fiasco when there is an audience - -but I rather you just leave me alone when we don't need to pretend," she says without emotion.
I feel as though I have been kicked in the stomach. Wow, I thought Marcus and his belt had torture down pat...but the pain this girl just inflicted on me has left me winded. I guess I must mean nothing to her, and I was wrong to think otherwise. I was foolish to think she cared about me, even a half as much as I care about her.
Screw her, too, then. She can enjoy her little life here in Abnegation...without me. I can't wait to get the hell out of this house.
"Consider me gone. I don't need you in my life, either. We will pretend when we have to, and that is it," I snap at her. I turn my heel and storm to the edge of the roof so that I can begin my climb down.
I turn my back to her as I walk away. When reaching the edge I turn to climb down, and then I see her face. She looks devastated...her eyes brimming with tears. I immediately realize, she is hurting. Her act of not caring was just that...an act.
When she realizes I caught the look on her face she turns her back to me.
No more games. I don't hesitate as I jump back on the roof and charge over to her. I roughly pull her to stand and then into my arms, forcing her to look at me. She struggles to pull away but I am not letting her go until the secrets between us are gone.
"No more games, I can't take this anymore. I care about you too much...this distance...I don't like it," I say firmly.
She suddenly starts crying and pushes me roughly, I can feel how angry with me she is. I hate that I have hurt her in some way.
"Tell me, tell me right now what I have done," I demand.
She rolls her eyes, "That's just that it, you haven't done anything wrong. I am the one who is wrong..." she laughs bitterly.
"You are just being a normal boy! Forgetting about me as you stand around hallways flirting with pretty girls! I saw you with your 'lab partner' by the way! And then dinner...my God, I am going to have sit and watch while you and Marcus scour the faction for your perfect bride? Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?!"
She then closes her eyes to calm herself before speaking. "I am just a stupid girl, with a stupid crush...and I need to get over it."
In that moment I realize, Beatrice feels the same way about me that I have felt about her all of this time. I wanted to be strong and give her the space and the respect she deserved.
"Well, then I am equally stupid...because the truth is, I am crazy about you...and not in the brotherly way," I say softly, her eyes widening.
I smile and pull her closer to me. I lean down and shyly kiss her cheek, feeling her smile as I do. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I feel so bold.
I tell her that the girl she saw me talking to is the serious girlfriend of my actual lab partner...who is a guy. She chuckles, looking embarrassed. And then I just shake my head regarding my father and his quest for my bride...all I can do is tell her that I have no intention of letting Marcus pick my entire future for me, but it is not a battle I can fight now. I admit to her that I am not strong enough to challenge him. She nods her head in understanding at my words about Marcus. And she still seems really embarrassed about our misunderstandings.
I admit to her, if our roles had been reversed I would have gone insane with jealousy...just like she did.
And then we both laugh, both comfortable with each other as I have craved all along. I need her in my life.
I then notice that her golden hair is out of that stupid bun and down her back in soft waves. I touch her hair and then lower my hand to rest on her lower back, she smiles at me as I carefully pull her even closer to me.
We both blush and look at each other. With my free hand I hold the side of her neck gently. Her hands are suddenly on my chest as she tentatively touches me, I feel my heartbeat quicken at the contact. I bite my lower lip and see that her eyes follow. She then uses her right hand to touch my face, and her thumb to touch my lip encouraging me to release it, I whisper her name and kiss her thumb at the contact. She suddenly pushes closer to me, which I love.
"Tobias," Beatrice whispers as her eyes search mine. "What now?"
I smile at her and lean down to kiss her right cheek, and then her left, and then the tip of her nose. She hums softly as I tilt her head and lean closer and lightly kiss the side of her neck slowly, I feel her shudder against me. It makes me feel incredible to know that my touch can make her respond this way. I have no doubt she cares for me as much as I do for her.
In these months she has become the most important person in my life. I need her to know that.
I kiss her forehead and then rest mine against hers, "What happens now?" I repeat, "Is that I don't think either of us can pretend that we're siblings any more, at least not with each other.
"When we are alone--which I intend to make happen more often--no more pretending, no more lies...I want to make you feel cherished and appreciated. Because you mean everything to me, Beatrice Prior," I say as I lean in and gently kiss her lips.
She looks at me and smiles, "I want the same thing, Tobias." Then clearing her throat nervously, "But of course, I mean we are in Abnegation...and unmarried...I don't want to go too fast."
"I agree, I just want us to be close in other ways," I blush at how that sounds, but I don't know how else to describe it. Even just hugging her makes me feel a sense of security that I have craved my entire life.
I pull her into a tight embrace and hold her close on the top of that roof. After a few moments I feel her tremble with cold, even with the blanket still wrapped around her. We quietly make our way back into her bedroom.
As we stand in the center of her bedroom I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her fingertips. Beatrice smiles and throws her arms around me. I lean down and kiss her deeply, as though it was the first time. Because in reality, now that we have both admitted how we feel – it feels like the first kiss that is not stolen.
We stand in her room for many moments kissing and hugging, both of us making a point not to get too carried away. We have time now. I kiss her slowly one last time and ask if I can tuck her in before I go back to my room. She nods and she crawls into bed.
As she lays down between the mattress and the sheets, I feel a sharp pang of lust. I pull up the quilt to cover her, my hands trembling slightly. I am crazy about her in every way, and I want her, in a way I haven't felt before, not just some kind of mindless physical drive but a real, specific desire. Not for "someone," just for her.
I touch her face, her hair. It's enough, for now.
"Goodnight, Beatrice," I whisper.
She sits up from her bed and pulls me close to her, my heart flutters, she kisses me firmly on the mouth and then pulls away smiling.
"Goodnight, Tobias."
++o+ Chapter End +o++