Chapter Five
-------------------------
Still Present Day
-------------------------
I stepped outside and was greeted by the surprise of a lifetime.
"Hey Charlie..." What the fuck was she doing here? "Can we talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about." I couldn't believe she had the audacity to come here and talk to me after the way she's treated me. She was like everyone else, judging gender not love.
"Please Charlie." She pleaded.
"What could possibly be left to say? Oh wait, I forgot, you probably do have a few words to say. Hmm. Let me see... Could they possibly be dyke, faggot, carpet muncher, abomination, walking sin? Or do you have new ones? Because honestly, I think Christine and my mother beat you to it already. Thanks, but no thanks. I've had enough words thrown at me this evening, Hope."
I walked right past her and into my car. I was seething and could almost see spots of red in my vision. She had no right to talk to me in school, much less outside of school.
My little "speech" apparently didn't get through to her because I heard the door to the passenger side open and close.
"Get out."
"No. Since you won't talk to me, then I'm going wherever you're going until you talk to me."
"I don't have time for your petty games, Hope. Get the fuck out."
"I need to talk to you."
"I don't give a fuck what you want. Now get out before I shove you out the car."
"No."
"You don't want to be fucking around with me right now, Hope."
"I just want to be your friend?"
"Friend? You. Want. To. Be. My. Friend? You've got to be joking me." God, you have the most wicked sense of humor. No joke. "Friends? Are you fucking kidding me? Get the fuck out! I don't want your friendship. You've turned out to be exactly the person I thought you to be. You're just like everyone else. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Car." Friends! Ha! Why would I be friends with someone who treated me like shit because I loved the same gender? No. Hope was never a friend of mine and would never ever be a friend.
"Little bit of bad news, Charlie. It seems you'll need 6 stitches for the cut on your forehead, 3 for the one on your cheek and 4 for the one on your lip." I was at the clinic now, gettimg my cuts looked after. Hope got out of my car and I drove off madder than I had ever been.
"That's the best thing to happen to me all day, Sarah. So it's good news." Sarah was the night shift doctor at the town clinic. She also was a member of the church. No surprise there. 99.5% of the population attended church.
"Bad day? This will hurt a bit." She said starting on the stitches.
"Every day is a bad day now."
"Want to talk about it?" She was done stitching my cheek. She tugged once to make sure it it was properly stitched.
"Ouch." That hurt. She was lying when she said it would hurt a bit. It hurt more than a bit. But I wouldn't be a baby about it. I mean I hadn't complained when i got the cuts.
"Sorry."
There were a few minutes of silence as she stitched up my forehead. The needle was cold against my skin.
"Not trying to be rude, Sarah, but why do you care?"
"I've never really liked this town and its opinions." She looked at me. "And I'm gay myself." What? I thought--I thought she was straight?
My jaw dropped. That was a shocker. Sarah was gay? Sarah? The one who went religiously to church? She always went without a fault. How could she be gay?
"But-but-"
"But I'm religiously Christian?" I nodded. "Just because I'm Christian, doesn't mean I can't be gay. Isn't it the same thing with you?"
"Sort of. I've never been like my mother, but yes I believe in God."
"You know, the bible says a lot of things we shouldn't do, but yet we still do them. For example, James 4:2 says: There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who are thou that judgest another? It says God is the judge, not us. I can't judge you because it is not my place.
"No one but God can judge. He gets the final say." Sarah finished stitching up my lip. "There. All done." I hopped off the table/chair contraptions that were used in hospitals. I never could figure out what the hell they were called.
Sarah really surprised me. And something inside me wanted to trust her. I wanted to tell her what a shitty day I had. I wanted to tell her how shitty I felt for destroying my family and for ruining Lacey's life.
"If you ever want to talk, I'm here."
"Thanks Sarah."
"No problem." I walked out the door, only to walk back in again.
“When did you know you were gay?”
"I was about your age." She gestured for me to take a seat again. "My mother was apalled when she found out. She treated me like the gum underneath her shoes. She tried everything to 'cure' me. Therapy sessions, moving, enrolling me into a Christian high school, she even tried tea. Nothing worked and all she did was push me further away." Sounds just like my mother. "It took a lot of time for her to let it go. I like to think the reason she finally let it go was because I loved her through it. She hated me, but I loved her. I didn't let her hate bring me down and pretend to be someone I wasn't just to get her love back. Now she couldn't be any happier for me and Zoe."
"Zoe? I thought you guys were just roommates." Sarah was an outsider. She moved here about 6 years ago. Zoe was a native. Her grandfather had left her a home on the outskirts of town, so she moved there. Sarah had no place to live and Zoe was looking for a roommate. It worked out perfectly for both of them. They've been living together ever since.
"No. We've been 'married' for the past 5 years. It turns out we were meant to be more than roommates. Plus we have a little one on the way." She patted at her belly. Now that she mentioned it, I could see a little bump. I was happy for her, for them.
"Congratulations."
"Thank you."
"Why is it that no one knows about you two?"
"They don't ask, we don't tell. Living 15 miles outside of town does have its advantages. We can just be ourselves. But we've been thinking of moving; especially after the way the whole town has been acting. We don't want to raise our little one in this type of enviroment."
Feeling guilty I said, "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"The reason you guys might move is because of me. The reason this whole town is acting the way it is, is because of me."
"Oh honey. It is not your fault. Don't cry." I was crying? I touched at my cheek. I was crying. "We thought about moving long before all of this happened. We’ve never felt like we were a part of the town and I don’t think we ever could be, with the way they’re handling the subject of homosexuality. I am just being me and you are just being you. There’s nothing wrong with being who you are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you, you’re not being yourself.”
I smiled. Sarah was pretty cool. I’d never been one to like people from church. I thought they were all like my mom or like Hope’s parents. I hadn’t been shown anything different.
I hesistated a few minutes before telling her about my day.
“Today.. My mother slapped me when I told her to deal with it. She isn’t going to change me or ‘cure’ me, I am gay. I also told her even if she hated me for the rest of my life, I would still love her. The way she treated me would not change my love for her. When we got home, Christine and I got into a big fight, that’s how I got all these cuts.
“I don’t get it. I knew my mom would be like this. But I never thought Christine would act this way. She’s treating me worse than my mother, at home, at school, nothing changes. She hates me with such a passion. I figured Kylie would be the one to take my mother’s side, but she surprised me but telling me she loved me for me. My father, he shows me love, but he ignores everything I ask him. I feel so alone. I miss Lacey. I feel dead without her.” I knew I was crying again. I hated crying but I couldn’t do anything to stop the tears from falling.
"It will be okay, Charlie. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're doing the right thing by loving your mother even though she hates you. She'll come around."
"She won't Sarah. You didn't see they way she looked at me today, the look of digust on her face when I touched her. She doesn't want me. She told me she wished she had never had me. What kind of mother says that to her kid? What kind of mother says that? Then to make it worse, she kicked me out. She despises me." My body was shaking from the sobs emitting from my mouth. I couldn't help it. I was tried of this whole situation. I didn't know if I could make it through graduation with the way things were going.
Sarah caught me in an embrace. She hugged me and I let her. She whispered soothing words to me. I wanted Lacey. I wanted our moments again in the clearing. I wanted her to hold me tight and never let me go. I wanted her to kiss me and take away my pain, our pain. I just wanted Lacey. But I didn't know if we would ever see each other again. I didn't even know where she was. I didn't know if she was still alive and breathing. This was more fucked up than I had imagined. The pain was just too much.
Sarah held me the whole time I cried. She gave me some more words of encouragement. I listened and tried to take them in, but I couldn't wrap my head around them. I was worried about what would happen once I got home. I half expected my stuff to be on the porch waiting for me. But I didn't know. I didn't know.
A knock on my window scared the shit out of me. I didn't realize I was home, just sitting in my car, in the driveway, staring out the windshield, lost in my thoughts. The knock brought me out of them.
It was Hope. Didn't she listen earlier or did she go deaf? I ignored her and kept staring out the windshield.
"Can you just listen to what I have to say?" Her voice was muffled through the glass.
"Go fuck yourself first, maybe I'll listen to you then." I opened the door to the car.
"Charlie, I...I hate myself for the way I've been treating you."
"Save it for someone who actually cares about what you have to say. And I'm not God. If you want to ask for forgiveness, you're asking the wrong person. Goodnight." I had already gotten out of my car. I quickly walked the walkway to my house. I opened and shut the door in one swipe.
Bully's remorse. I didn't care for it. I wouldn't let her ask for forgiveness just for her to go do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won't let her get to the first one, let alone the second one. I would be an idiot if I did.
"Charlie." I spun around in surprise. I didn't think anyone was awake anymore. It was well past midnight and all the lights were off except for the moonlight streaming in through the skylight. It made everything in the house look ghostly.
"Dad?"
"She wants you out Charlie." He walked out of the living room and into the foyer. His shoulders were slumped. He looked defeated. He never looked defeated. He was the strongest man I knew.
"Dad you won't let her kick me out will you?" I teared up for the second time today. No. I won't cry again. I can't.
"I don't have a choice, Charlotte." I winced. He never called me Charlotte. It was an unwritten rule between us that he would never call me by Charlotte. It hurt to hear him say it now because I knew he wasn't going to fight for me anymore. I was nothing to either of them. I thought maybe I had a chance with my dad, but it was gone quicker than when the opportunity presented itself.
They didn't love me. I understood it coming from my mother, but my dad? One of the few people I could count on was betraying me. It hurt my tattered heart more than I could think. He never loved me.
"I'll be gone tonight." I bit out. It hurt so much. He was taking her side. This is what I had been afraid of happening while I was gone. My fear came true.
I walked up the stairs, heading to my room to pack some bags.
"You still have to go to therapy. It's the only way she'll let you back in. She said when you're cured, you're more than welcomed to come back home." I whirled around when he said those words.
"Even if I were to be 'cured', there's no way in hell I would ever want to live here again. Hell would have to freeze over more than a million times before I would even consider about moving back into a place where I once was not welcomed. No. I won't be coming back." I stomped the rest of the way up. I didn't give a fuck that it was well past midnight. I was getting kicked out and my mother still had the nerve to say I had to go to therapy. What the fuck?
"Charlie?"
"Go back to bed, Ky." She was standing in the doorway to her room. I opened my door and slammed it shut with so much force it shook. Good. I hope it scared Christine to death. She had the room right next to mine. There was no way she couldn't have heard the door slamming.
I walked into my closet and just grabbed whatever. I didn't care what I took with me.
"Where are you going Char?"
"I thought I told you to go back to bed, Kylie." I grabbed my duffle and threw in my clothes and shoes. She wasn't budging. Kylie looked like she was about to cry. If she cried I wouldn't be able to hold back my tears. "Don't you dare cry Ky. Don't you dare."
"You can't leave me, Charlie."
"It's not by choice that I'm leaving. Come here." I wrapped my arms around her. I held her tighter than I ever had. I loved her to death. I would die for her if I had to. That's how much she meant to me. She buried her face into my neck. Tears were falling soaking my shirt. Damn it. I will not cry.
"Don't let her kick you out. Stay, Charlie. Please stay."
"I can't. You know the only way I would be able to stay is if I were straight. I can't go back, Ky. I can't stop being me again. Once was enough. I won't do it Ky. I'm sorry. You'll still see me. I promise. I will still pick you after school and we'll hang out. I promise, Ky. I love you with all my being, little sis."
"I love you too, Charlie. I love you, too." Her grip tighten on me. She was hugging me tighter and I couldn't breathe.
"Can't...breathe..." I panted.
"Sorry." She let me go and wiped away her tears. I hated leaving her here.
"Aww look. Its faggot hugging time. How adorable. Mind if I don't join in on the fun? I think I'm catching a cold. Don't want to get you sick. You do understand, don't you...dyke?" Christine stood in my doorway, a sneer on her face like usual. This time though her face looked uglier. Her features were distorted from our fist fight and the sneer just made it worse.
"Call me a dyke one more time."
"Dy--" She didn't get to finish the word. My fist connected with her face. I heard something break. Blood was gushing from her face and she was screaming bloody murder. I broke her nose. Ha. Well lookie there. Guess her recovery time would be longer. Oh that was too bad. She would be going to prom and graduation with a broken nose. Oh so sad. Now her life was ruined. Great. Maybe now Miss Superficial Barbie queen would be taken down a notch from her high mighty pedalstal.
"You bitch! You broke my nose!" Satisfaction. It felt good to know I had broken at least something of hers. I smiled coldly at her, grabbed my duffle, gave Kylie's hand a squeeze and walked out the house I once called home, Christine's shreiks getting quieter and quieter the further I got away.
There was no doubt in my head. I would never return here. Once I graduated, I would be boarding a plane headed to Boston. I would still love my family. They were my family. What could I do about it? But I would not let them control who I was. That was my decision. I decided who I was to be. Not them.
My future was in my hands. And so far I was doing a great job. I had a full ride to Colombia in the fall. And I had money saved up. I could do it. I didn't need my family's money.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Sarah. It's Charlie. Sorry to bug you, I know you're probably busy."
"They kick you out?"
"Ye-yeah."
"Come to the hospital. I get off in 30. Then you can come home with me."
"Okay." I sighed. "Thanks Sarah."
"Don't thank me. It's no problem." We hung up. Sarah told me if I indeed had been kicked out to call her. I was glad to have found a friend in Sarah. I don't know what I would have done if Sarah hadn't been so kind to me. I probably would have slept in my car. Fuck my life.
None of this was supposed to happen. Lacey and I were suppose to be graduating from high school together in a month. We were suppose to be having fun, we were suppose to be doing a number of things together. We weren't suppose to be here. Life was suppose to be simple. We just had two months left! Two months before we could leave together. It was within our grasp. We had been almost there.
But God has a wicked sense of humor. He liked to mess with me. He just loved it. I kept wondering why He would let me meet Lacey just to take her away from me. I was happy when I was with her. Why would you take away my happiness?
And what the hell was up with Hope? Why would she come seek me out, today of all days? It made no sense. I don't know what she expecting from me. Did she really believe I would talk to her after all the shit she's pulled with Christine?What really bugged was why now? Why was she trying to talk to me now? And what did she want to talk about? Why had she been so persistent?There had to be something I wasn't seeing.
My phone vibrated. I looked. It was a text message from a private number.
I miss you.
My heart squeezed itself into a tight ball. I didn't have to know the number to know who it was. This was the first time I've heard from her simce we were separated. I messaged her back.
I miss you too.
Two seconds later I got another text.
Error 202:
Message not sent. Number unrecognizable.
I slammed my fist into the steering wheel. I fucking hate technology. When it wants to work it does and when it doesn't want to work it comes up with bullshit like this. How could it fucking not recognize the number?
But at least I knew she was alive and breathing, hoping she knew I missed her too.
Usher's voice popped into my head, the song she played for me the day we first kissed.
I can’t win, I can’t reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
I won’t run, I won’t fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can’t rest, I can’t fight
All I need is you and I
Without you, without you
I can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged
Without you, without you
I can’t quit now, this can’t be right
I can’t take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you
I won’t soar, I won’t climb
If you’re not here, I’m paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can’t look, I’m so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you
I had to fight those words. It was true, I couldn't go on without her, but I had to. I had to for the sake of someday seeing her again. The text message gave me hope, more hope than I could ever hope for. No pun intended.
I could almost see her now, sitting here next to me.
"I love you, Lie." Those were the last words I heard her speak.
--------------------------
Ah another chapter. So what do you think? Like it? What do you think Charlie isn't seeing with Hope? Why do you think Hope wanted to talk to Charlie? Were you expecting Lacey to be the one standing outside Charlie's door? What do you think will happen next? Maybe if I can get 20 votes, I will upload the next chapter on Sunday... We will see. Thank you for reading. I hoped you enjoyed reading it. Comment, vote, fan, please and thank you.
--brknshdws