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Author's Note: Hello Readers! We normally update this story every Monday, but as tomorrow is the remembrance of Memorial Day in the US we decided to update one day early this week. Enjoy and thank you again for reading, and have a safe and happy holiday!
Xo, FourTrisHEA & Panda
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Chapter 4: Feelings and Such
Three months before Tobias's Choosing Day (March)
Tobias POV
"Anytime, Mrs. Anderson," Beatrice says politely. She has just finished minding Mrs. Anderson's young children for a few hours after school, and I am here to walk her home. Mrs. Anderson closes the door and Beatrice comes towards me down the path. When she passes me I put out a hand, and it fits automatically in the space between her shoulder blades. It wasn't intentional, and I quickly drop my hand.
I silently scold myself for allowing myself to touch her in any way. I quickly look around the roads and feel a sense of relief that no one is around. To her credit, she didn't even seem to register my touch. Sometimes I wonder if this is all in my head.
The problem is, it's as though whenever she is near me, my thoughts slow down, and my mind runs a few beats behind my body's actions. For the first time in my life I feel driven to be close to another person, to show her affection through simple gestures, such as a pat on the back or a touch of our hands. The issue with this is that we are in Abnegation, and this form of interaction is strictly forbidden. Neither Beatrice nor I are were raised to act like that.
So I try to keep my distance. Unfortunately, that is difficult to do, not because of an inherent lack of self-control on my part, but because we live in the same house as 'siblings' and our parents are constantly pushing us together. My task this afternoon is one example: Marcus demanded that I walk that girl home when she finished babysitting. Another day, Beatrice had to deliver lunch to me when I was volunteering in the supply warehouse. While the actual tasks vary, we are thrown together for one reason or another nearly every day.
As we walk past a particularly bad patch of cracked sidewalk, we hop and skip to avoid the cracks, playing a game Beatrice taught me. It's simple and not really competitive-- there is no winner and loser-- but it makes the walk a little more fun. She teared up a little when she explained it to me a few weeks ago; it was a game she always played with Caleb. I felt uneasy at first, I don't want to replace her brother and I know she doesn't want that either... but she insisted that it would help her to heal, and I think it has, a little. It's good to see her finding joy again in something that she had lost. Beatrice made it clear that it was nothing personal, but she would never look at me as her brother. She explained she had the real thing, and although she is grateful for our friendship... being forced to be "siblings" at our age, especially when I'm leaving our family home in a couple of months, is more for appearances than it is realistic. We joked that if we were 8 and 7 at the time, then that would be a different story. We smiled and agreed that we are at peace with our relationship as friends.
When we get home, we must hurry to have dinner ready on time. While Beatrice cooks, I finish the last of the chores that I worked frantically to complete all afternoon and set the table. Most of the time I cook and she cleans, but she didn't think it would be fair to me if she were to finish the little cleaning that was left when I had already completed most of it.
Marcus and Natalie arrive through the front door just as I finish setting the table; Beatrice is spooning the peas into a serving bowl. As I plate the chicken and help Beatrice serve the meal, I let out a sigh of relief that we managed to get it done on time.
We sit in the same seats each night-- Beatrice on my right and Marcus on my left; Natalie sits across from me. When it was just Marcus and me, we never said grace, but we have adopted the tradition since that is what Natalie and Beatrice have always done.
During dinner, Beatrice and I do not speak unless directly spoken to. That doesn't happen often, so we rarely speak at all during dinner, which is why I am completely unprepared for Marcus's next topic of conversation.
"Son," he says, snapping me to attention. "I understand that the health lesson that boys your age attend at school was today. I trust that the instructor provided adequate information?"
"What health lesson?" Beatrice butts in. Marcus scowls at her, and heat rushes to my face.
"Beatrice," Natalie gently reminds her, "please remember that your listening ears are a gift to us."
This is my last year of school. I don't know how or when the other factions teach sexual education, I only know how it is done at the Abnegation school. That is the lesson I had to attend today. The information is kept relatively basic, but we did learn basics of anatomy for both genders, and about how procreation works. Basically... we learned what we will need to know for when we get married.
It's really not a subject I want to discuss at the dinner table... especially not with Natalie and Beatrice sitting here.
Natalie clears her throat. "Beatrice, why don't you and I take care of the dishes tonight and let your father and Tobias talk." Beatrice's eyes shift between Marcus and me for a moment-- she is always so curious. But she listens to her mother and begins to clear away the now empty dishes. And then the girls disappear into the kitchen, and I am left alone with Marcus.
"Tobias," Marcus warns. His voice is quiet... dangerous. "I want to be very clear. Do not tarnish that girl by discussing what you learned. Girls are not taught everything that boys are, they are more sensitive... weaker." I hold back the urge to scoff. Beatrice is not weak. "They don't need to know much about this, understand? She does not need to learn anything until I pick her husband and arrange her wedding. Am I clear?"
"Yes sir," I mumble, but my mind isn't on what Marcus is saying. Somehow this conversation just made it feel very real that I will be leaving Beatrice behind when I choose. The thought of Marcus picking her future husband... my stomach turns, I feel like I might be sick. I hate the thought of some other man lying just inches from her by the fire, and seeing her beautiful golden hair fall in waves around her shoulders.
Thoughts like these... I can't. I have to find a way to push them out of my mind for good. Because she is now my sister, at least on paper according to Abnegation etiquette. If things were different... if we were just a normal boy and a normal girl, in any other faction, then maybe I could explore these thoughts, and feelings, and the way that I can't seem to control myself when I am around her. But I am where I am, and who I am, and so is she. This... can't happen. It can never be.
Marcus finishes the last of his chicken and shoves his plate in my direction. "Help that girl clean up and send my wife back to me," he demands, and I don't hesitate to get as far away from him as possible.
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Beatrice POV
Mother and Marcus went out to yet another evening meeting tonight. I feel like I barely see my mother... sometimes, I almost feel like I lost her, too, along with Father and Caleb. After I put on my nightgown and let my hair down, I go to lay out some clothes for tomorrow when I realize I am running out of clean outfits to wear-- if I don't do the wash tomorrow, I'll have to wear dirty clothes to school the following day.
With Mother and Marcus out, and Tobias in the shower, I feel comfortable entering the other bedrooms to gather the dirty laundry; I may as well start the wash now. That way I can dry it in the morning and have plenty of time after school to make sure it is all folded and put up before Marcus comes home. I take my basket of dirty clothes and first go into Mother's room to add hers and Marcus's laundry, then to Tobias's room.
I don't notice that the sound of the shower has stopped, but I guess it has, because when I stand and turn around after adding Tobias's clothes to the basket, I am so startled I nearly jump out of my skin. Tobias is standing in the doorway with a towel wrapped around his waist. I have never seen so much bare skin on a man-- on any person old enough to walk and talk, really.
His ocean blue eyes are wide with surprise, his lips parted. He is due for a haircut, and strands of his wet hair stick together giving definition to his curls; water drips from the ends of his hair down onto his shoulders. I follow a drop of water with my eyes as it falls down the smooth, bare olive skin of his chest. I am sure I look as shocked as he does.
Somehow I am snapped out of my daze when the water droplet reaches the towel that is wrapped around his waist, and I notice a strange bulge below his waist. My eyes widen-- is something wrong?!
"Are you alright?" I ask him, worried. I look back at his face and see that his cheeks are turning pink.
"Wh.... what?" he asks. His eyes are as round as saucers, he looks panicked.
I point at the area below his waist, where the towel is tented. I know I am too curious for an Abnegation, but I can't help it. I care about Tobias, and this does not look normal. I'm concerned for him. "I just... Caleb never had something like that happen, something must be wrong! Should I run to the meeting hall and get my mother?"
Tobias turns red not just on his cheeks, but all the way to the tips of his ears. "I-- um..." he stutters. "Nothing is wrong, Beatrice, I'm... I'm fine." He sounds so nervous... I am not convinced. I think he just doesn't want me to worry but how can I not?!
He'll just have to remember that I am now his sister and I need to help him if something is wrong. I step closer to him, "Tobias... you don't sound like you're alright. Please, let me help you." He scratches the back of his neck while he grips the towel with his other hand so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. Whatever is wrong with him, it's getting worse rapidly-- the bulge has grown even just in the time we have been standing here!
I take another step towards him, my hand outstretched. "Beatrice!" he nearly shouts. He is so flustered-- did I do something wrong? "I know you're curious but really... I'm fine." I just stare at him, and he runs his hands through his damp, dark brown curls, exhaling in an exaggerated huff. "Look... sometimes boys... men... God this is embarrassing..." I tilt my head slightly, my eyes flitting between his very red face and his tented bath towel. "Okay... Beatrice, it's my penis, and boys... when they get excited, like, by a pretty girl, or sometimes for practically no reason at all..."
He trails off, like he expects that to be enough information, but I have no idea what he is getting at. I am starting to feel bad for being so curious-- he looks like he wants to just disappear right now, but I really need to be sure he's okay. I already have lost too many people I care about. "What?" I ask, pushing him to continue.
"It's called an erection," he blurts. "It's necessary for a guy to... have... sexual intercourse... um... " He clears his throat. I furrow my brows in confusion, I don't actually know what happens during the act, and it is something that will not be explained to me until my health class that is years away. I am not sure if I want Tobias to explain that thought further or not-- but my curiosity gets the better of me. I prompt him with my eyes, and wait.
He pauses for a moment before continuing, "It's... the penis has to be... hard. For the guy to put it... in the girl's, um, vagina." I can only imagine that in that moment my eyes widen the largest they have ever been as my mouth drops open, "And sometimes, especially at my age, a guy might get one when he doesn't really need it." He chews on his lip and looks all around the corners of his ceiling... anywhere but at me, it seems.
This has to do... with... that... and I just made Tobias explain it to me. Oh my goodness. I think I am turning as red as he is! Now I can't look him in the eyes either. "Oh..." I don't know what to say. We stand there awkwardly and finally I say, "I'm sorry for making you tell me. I just wanted to be sure you were okay."
"Uh yeah... thanks... for caring..." he stammers. For a fraction of a second, our gazes meet, then we both quickly look away from one another again.
"I'm... going to go take another shower," he blurts out. Odd, he just took one, he can't be dirty yet.
"Are you sure there is enough hot water left?" I ask. Our hot water heater is pretty small.
"I'm fine with cold water," I hear him mumble as he turns and goes back to the bathroom.
I close my eyes, standing in my nightgown in the middle of Tobias's bedroom, still holding a basket overflowing with gray clothes, and breathe slowly for a moment. I give myself five seconds to get over the embarrassment, counting slowly. And when I finally reach five, I open my eyes and head down the stairs to the laundry machines, relieved to hear the shower running in the bathroom as I pass.
++o+ Dreaming +o++
The bus stinks of exhaust. Every time it hits a patch of uneven pavement, it jostles me from side to side, even though I'm gripping the seat to keep myself still.
My father and my twin brother, Caleb, both stand in the aisle, holding the railing above their heads to keep themselves steady. I take in Caleb's and my father's dark hair and hooked noses, Caleb's eyes, green like my mother's, and father's grayish-blue eyes, which match mine. I am studying them, mapping out every feature, committing it to memory, but I do not know why. Why should I need to? I see them every day.
Everything changes abruptly, as if the world turned upside down. The small jostling I have been bracing myself against becomes a crashing, the entire bus rolling. I grab hold of my father's arm. "Caleb!" I shriek as I reach for him, but he is too far away, tumbling along the ceiling and then the side of the bus, and then the floor, as it rolls. Then everywhere around us is fire, a blazing inferno. I hear father scream before the flames lick my skin, and burning is all I know. Burning... burning... soon I will be ash... where is my father? Where is Caleb? There is a screaming, a high pitched shriek, that does not stop and I wonder where it comes from until I realize that the sound is coming from me. I try to look for them, but all I can see around me is fire--
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"Beatrice!" I instantly hear Tobias's voice in my room. I gasp for air as I shoot to an upright sitting position. Tobias is kneeling next to me on the bed, his eyes wild-- he looks panicked. But not as panicked as I feel. I gasp for air between sobs that I cannot control. I should have been on that bus with them... I should have been there... I was supposed to be there. Marcus does not want me here, so I am not even welcome in my own home now-- I was not meant to still be here. I was supposed to go with them.
I miss my family. I want them back.
Part of me wishes I could burn them from my mind, so I would never have to mourn for them. But the rest of me is afraid of who I would be without them.
I gasp and sob and hiccup, and Tobias pulls me close to him, like he did that first night, at his old house. He gently shushes me, whispering in my ear, rocking me back and forth and slowly. I relax into his embrace as my sobs begin to die out.
"I was supposed to be with them," I admit. Tobias pulls back and looks right into my eyes, right into my soul. "I was supposed to be on that bus with them, but I had stayed out on the roof the night before, in the snow... I was sick that morning," I choke out. "I was supposed to go with them."
He seems to understand what I am saying, and he frowns, and his hand cups my cheek. "You feel guilty." It's a statement, not a question.
"I was... I was supposed to be there with them," I repeat.
Tobias's eyes become... hard, almost-- I don't know how else to describe it. He is stern as he says, "No, Beatrice. You were not meant to be with them. You were meant to stay here, with your mother... with me..." He swallows hard, and his Adam's apple bobs. My eyes are drawn to his lips without my permission, and when I drag them back to look in his eyes again, he is looking at my lips, too.
He moves closer to me, or I move closer to him... I can't tell which. All I know is that now, we are breathing the same air... air that seems to be charged with electricity, just as my body is, electricity radiating out from where his hands rest against my back.
Then he presses his lips to mine. We both instinctively tilt our heads, and my lips move against his. Tobias's hand presses against my back, drawing me closer to him, and I like it... I want to feel more of him against me. I rest one hand on his chest. My other hand finds its way to the back of his head, and as I tug at his soft curls, he kisses me harder, more passionately, and his tongue licks my lower lip; I grant him entrance with no memory of making the decision to, but I don't care. All I care about in this moment is his lips against mine, his tongue dancing with mine, his body pressed against mine.
He is still holding me tightly as we slowly lean back on the bed, Tobias hovering above me. When we can't go any longer without air, we break apart, panting. I see his eyes widen just as I my own do the same, and he shoots upward and scrambles back so he is sitting at the foot of the bed.
"We can't do this," I blurt.
Tobias shakes his head fast-- too fast. "No, we can't." He runs his fingers through his hair, and I bite my lip and look away from him, making eye contact again when I feel his thumb run over my lower lip, forcing me to release it from between my teeth.
"We just... we will just have to try harder. To be... siblings." The word feels all wrong in my mouth, tastes bitter on my tongue. I don't want to see Tobias as a sibling. But it doesn't matter what I want-- the situation we are in will not change.
Tobias nods. "Siblings, and friends. But we can't... we can't do... this. It will only lead to heartache, we will both end up hurt." We are just staring at each other, for a long time, and it starts to feel awkward. I don't like it. I thought Tobias and I were past the awkward silences.
"Are you alright?" he asks. "From your bad dream, I mean."
I nod slowly. I will be okay. "Thank you for waking me up from it."
He looks away as he nods. "I can't stand hearing you... like that," he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'll... see you in the morning, then?"
"Yes," I agree. "Yes, I will see you... in the morning."
Tobias bites his lip and stares at me for a moment, as though there is something more he wants to say, but then he stands and silently leaves my room without a glance back.
Suddenly there is a new emotion I have never felt. I feel an ache in my chest. It makes me feel sad, and...incomplete. This is not like grief; I know that feeling well now because of my loss. This feeling is different, and as I watch Tobias carefully shut my bedroom door as to make no noise...I know I am feeling it because of him.
I fall back to sleep with his ocean blue eyes stuck at the forefront of my mind...and then my question answers itself. I felt heartache.
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