I stood at the dimly lit side exit of the concrete shithole that had stolen a year and five months of my life. I was with two guards less than two feet away from me. Kinley handed me my black North face bookbag and I carefully swung it over my shoulder. I winced slightly at a sharp pain in my side, catching the attention of Kinley. His eyebrows pointed down, creating a crease in the middle of his forehead and Joel's radio went off distracting him.
"Three people are here for Trevon. All set for release?" The static went off and it was quiet in the dim room. I could hear my heart pounding through my ears somehow. Three people? I remember thinking. Joel responded to the radio and went out to check if everything was in place, leaving Kinley and myself in the grey hallway.
The radio said three people. How could three people be outside? I spoke to Flex previously and he had told me that he would be the only one coming to get me. I thought maybe he brought Ma and Patrice with him? I thought maybe Ma took the day off work and pulled Patrice out of school to surprise me.
When Joel was gone, Kinley redirected his attention to me. Kinley had a thick beard, big face, and a broad nose. He was an ugly guy, but he was huge, one of the biggest guards we had on site. And he pretended not to like me much throughout my time here but he always looked out for me, much like he did on the day of my release.
"What's wrong with you, Knuckles?" Kinley's deep voice was as quiet as I've ever heard it.
"Don't call me that." I adjusted my bookbag on my shoulder and winced again.
I had somehow developed the name Knuckles after rumor went around that I beat up a guy enough to end up in here on an attempted murder charge. The nickname really took off after Julius died due to the complications. I try not to revisit my loss of self control that night and that's all the nickname allows me to do. I should have stopped sooner.
"What's wrong with you, Wallace?" Kinley spits.
"Nothin, man." I suck my teeth.
"I can see the pain in your face every time you adjust the bag. Pull up your shirt." He ordered.
"Man, I'm out today. I really don't have to listen to you anymore." I couldn't hide the smile.
He grinned back and in one swift movement, pulled up my hoodie himself. The bruise was disappearing by then, it didn't look half as nasty as it did after AXE, beat me out. That's a different story for a different day. Getting initiated was painful, getting out was deadly, but I didn't get my full beating. I didn't even get half.
Kinley pressed against my side and I pulled in a swift breath.
"Wrap it tight tonight and ice it down. You fractured a rib." He shook his head.
"Iight." I mumble low. It was the least of my worries. I thought about asking Ma to treat it but then I would have to explain how it happened. I pushed it to the back of my head.
"You ready?" Kinley smiled.
As he said that, Joel came back through the door, this time he held it open for me.
"Hell yea." I mumbled.
I felt a small pat on my back.
I walked into the light, taking in a deep breath of fresh air as my foot crossed the divide of imprisonment and freedom. The first step out alone was something worth remembering. But looking out into the distance, I found another purpose for the exhilaration and it came with a wave of nervousness mixed with complete yearning. Her bright almond shaped eyes locked on mine and claimed me before I even recognize who the other two figures might be. The eyes I have dreamt about every single day for more than a year. Her round face and perfectly set lips, her button nose, her small hands- they all filled my memory at once and I allow the nostalgia to wrap around me.
Her lips quivered as I came closer to the fence that blurred in and out of my vision as my eyes tried to make her the center of focus. My baby. The only person I can hate and in the same breath say I love. Suddenly the pain in my side was distant and not at all important and when I stepped through the gate, leaving the fence behind me I heard footsteps before my mind registered that she was running towards me.
I dropped my bookbag to the floor and opened my arms to accept her. She slammed directly into my abdomen and I must have been high on adrenaline because I didn't feel anything at all. The love took over the pain and all I could think about was how much she smelled the exact same way, how much she looked the same way I left her, how she felt the same. I pulled her legs up around my waist and she locked her arms around my neck and cried. I hugged her tightly to my body, trying to suck all the love from her that I've lacked. I noticed her struggle to breath and loosened my grip only slightly. I smiled remembering how fragile she was as well.
"Stop crying." I said against her cheek, but I noticed in that moment that my face is wet with my own tears. I kissed her like I missed her, cheeks, eyes, nose- anything I could get a hold of. And when I kissed her lips, I pour my heart into her mouth.
"I missed you so much." She tried to speak in between.
"I missed you too, baby girl." I responded after clearing my throat. I placed a kiss on her forehead and closed my eyes, briefly thanking God for this moment in itself.
She pulled my face back to hers and kissed me a dozen more times, this time I deepened the kiss and bit down on her bottom lip, the want in me suddenly needing to let her know that he is present. I hear her groan low and suddenly remember there are other people beside us. I remember setting her back down, even though I didn't want to.
I relive that entire moment twice a week and I've written at least four songs about it. I stare at the blank screen on my laptop with protools open on the left screen, unable to formulate a proper chorus. The tour bus bumps and sways with the road.
The music begins again, and I hit record.