[ lxi. they always come back ]
october 14th, 2012
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AT THE EDGE OF the Hilltop Colony's spacious yard, seated alone on one of its many benches, Astrid's eyes followed Paul 'Jesus' Rovia as he hoisted yet another hefty box of provisions. He marched purposefully toward the RV, which had been recovered from the mud it had been ensnared in earlier. However, as if summoned by the gravity of her watchfulness, Jesus glanced back at Astrid. A small grin pulled across his features, realizing the Dixon woman's stare would not falter, even upon being caught.
"Even Negan didn't score this much upfront," He confessed to Astrid.
"Maggie's a force to be reckoned with," Astrid replied easily. "You can always count on her to move mountains when needed."
There was a glint of admiration in his eyes. Then, with a nod of acknowledgment, Jesus slipped back into the RV, leaving Astrid momentarily alone with her thoughts. Her attention drifted to the sonogram still cradled delicately in her lap. It was a talisman of dreams yet to unfold.
Suddenly, the bench she sat upon creaked under newly added weight. She turned her head, drawing to Rick as he lowered himself down beside her.
Wordlessly, Rick extended his hand, and Astrid's smile widened as she shared the sonogram with him. His eyes traced the lines of the little growing body there, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. "Looks like you," He chuckled softly. "Congratulations."
"Thank you," She replied, reclaiming the image. "Got any advice for me?"
"The teenage years are the worst."
A snicker, and a twinkle of mischief passed between them, but their laughter was cut short by the approach of Daryl and Abraham. Between them, they were accompanied by another Hilltop man. It was the man whose hand had been broken by her husband only hours earlier. Briefly, Astrid had caught that his name was Andy.
Astrid rose from the bench to meet the trio, Rick steadfastly by her side. Andy's gaze seemed to bristle with natural defiance as his focus shifted to the latter. "What do you want?" He demanded.
Rick hooked his thumbs through his belt loops, casual in his stance. "Jesus said you've been taking supplies to Negan since the beginning," He addressed. "We're going to get Craig back."
Andy frowned. "The only way to get Craig back is to bring them Gregory's head."
Abraham crossed his arms tightly over his chest. "We're going to get Craig back," He promised.
"How?"
"We need to know what you know about Negan's compound," Rick answered. "We need your help. We need you to come with us."
Andy's next response was hesitant, faltering under conflicting loyalties. But in his eyes, Astrid glimpsed a flicker of shared desperation, a yearning for redemption. After a pregnant pause, Andy acquiesced. "Okay," He murmured.
Silently, the group of four Alexandrians then observed as Andy disappeared into the confines of the nearby RV, effectively joining their cause. After, Astrid's attention shifted to a nearby picnic table, where another cache of supplies lay in waiting. She tugged the box toward her, but before she could even take a step, the burden was lifted from her grasp by none other than her hunter.
"I've got this," He reassured.
Astrid squeezed his forearm. "Thanks, honey," She whispered.
Nonetheless, Astrid still trailed behind Daryl and held the door open for him to ascend into the RV. With ease, she followed suit and sunk into the cushions of one of the double couches as she awaited the arrival of their companions. A moment later, Daryl settled beside her and draped an arm around her shoulders. As she leaned further against him, one of her hands went to rest on his upper leg while the other lifted the small sonogram before them.
"That's a sight I'll never get tired of," She hummed.
Daryl took the sonogram in his own calloused hands, his eyes tracing its details with a reverence reserved for sacred relics. He opened his mouth to speak, to perhaps note a playful thought regarding their son, when a sudden flurry of footsteps announced Bailey's arrival. With a wide grin, she claimed her place on Astrid's other side, her eager hands reaching out.
Passing the sonogram over to Bailey, Daryl could not resist a tease. "Looks like a girl, huh?" He scoffed.
Bailey's laughter echoed through the cabin as she bantered back, "I'll make it true if I say it enough."
Astrid smiled playfully, her gaze dancing between two of the most important people in her world. How entirely lucky was she to call them hers?
Just then, Astrid glanced toward the RV's doorway, and startled at the unexpected return of Jesus. No longer was he loading supplies, but rather adding his own personal belongings to the Alexandrians already gathered stack. What had compelled him to join them? To leave the safety of Hilltop behind all over again? When he noticed Astrid's curious stare, he chuckled. "You've still got my knives," He informed as he lowered himself into the space on Bailey's other side. "I'm going to need them back."
Understanding sparked in the Dixon woman. Meanwhile, around them, the confines of the RV grew increasingly crowded. With the newly added Andy and Jesus, Michonne had opted to sit in the back, forcing the others on their couch to cram tighter together. By the time all were settled, Astrid was practically sitting on Daryl's lap.
Soon, the RV roared to life, and in the next breath, it was leaving the towering walls of Hilltop in its wake. A heavy silence settled over its occupants. Each heart seemed to beat with the influence of his or her own thoughts, the rumble of the engine the only sound to be heard for nearly the first twenty minutes of the drive. But then, Michonne broke quietude. "Let me see them!" She exclaimed.
Her hands outstretched to both Daryl and Astrid, and Glenn and Maggie, awaiting both couple's sonograms. Instantly, tears glistened in Michonne's eyes as she beheld the fragile promises captured within the black-and-white images.
Slowly, a smile, radiant and pure, blossomed across Michonne's face as she clasped Astrid's hand. "I'm so happy for you." Astrid smiled in return to her dearest friend, and proceeded to survey the RV's back cabin as she and Maggie's sonograms were passed carefully from hand to hand.
Hope reflected in all their eyes now, and as Astrid's stare caught Glenn's from across the narrow walkway between their couches, she held it warmly. So many phases of this world she and him had endured together. From Atlanta, both within the city and outside it. To the Greene family farm, where they had protected each other upon their first fight against the living. Then to making the prison their first real home, and how they had—quite literally—kept each other from Death's door amidst the mayhem of cell block A. So many obstacles, so many truths, so many rises and falls within each stretch of their intertwined existence, and it had all been leading to this next phase now; together again as they both embraced the path of parenthood.
It was beautiful, really. Astrid and Glenn had been each other's first family in this new world. Now, side-by-side, they would get to grow families of their own. They would watch their children grow up together, just as they had grown up themselves.
Precious minutes passed in silence, until Abraham was the last to view the sonograms, the miracles of life within them. He cackled as he returned them to their rightful parents. "I've always liked pancakes."
Daryl's quiet chuckle reverberated deep in his chest, vibrating Astrid's cheek. She tilted her head to meet his stare next. Instantly, his lips found her brow, and they nestled deeper into each other, finding warmer comfort in the long road ahead.
As the RV journeyed on, the hours slipped by hushed murmurs and sighs. Daryl's breaths grew steady against Astrid's skin, the gentle rise and fall of his chest a natural lullaby that threatened to pull her into the embrace of sleep as well. But as Alexandria's rusted walls eventually reappeared through the windshield, Astrid's senses snapped back to attention.
At her movements, Daryl stirred, his eyes fluttering open with a start. But his rapidity ebbed as he likely realized they were not under attack, his body relaxing against hers once more.
"Shit," He grumbled, the weariness evident in the rasp of his voice.
Astrid's fingers brushed away the dark strands of hair that had fallen into her husband's eyes. "What is it?"
"I'm jus' . . . tired," He innocently admitted.
Astrid smiled softly and her fingertips dipped to his cheekbone. "Well, we did only get two hours of sleep," She reminded him.
With a resigned huff in response, Daryl fell silent once more, his breathing deepening. Astrid watched him, her gaze lingering on the lines of fatigue that marred his brow. In the quiet of the space between them, she cherished these moments with her hunter, even if they were not necessarily private, knowing all too well the fleeting nature of peace.
Rick steered the RV through Alexandria. At its heart, a crowd had already gathered, a sure sign to the gravity of their return. As the vehicle ground to a halt outside the pantry, they emerged one by one. Astrid's fingers intertwined with Daryl's as they stepped down onto the sidewalk.
Sasha Williams was first to greet them. "How did it go?"
"We have food," Maggie revealed. "It should be enough to last us another month or two."
There was a temporary sense of relief amongst the Alexandrians upon hearing the Rhee woman's words. But Rick's next announcement shattered its comfort. "I need everyone in the church in an hour."
His words settled like a stone in Astrid's stomach. Others around her stiffened as well. "What's going on?" Carol questioned sharply.
Rick hesitated. Then he started toward the pantry. Over his shoulder, he called, "We're going to have to fight."
The murmurs that followed the crowd were a cacophony of fear and uncertainty, but Astrid and Daryl remained silent, their eyes locked in the direction of Rick's disappearance. Still, there was work that needed to be done. And so, while Daryl—and Bailey—went to deal with the new cache of weapons, Astrid joined the latter efforts to unload the food. Her movements became mechanical, her thoughts drifting back to the afternoon she had faced. It did not necessarily make her happy to think of all that occurred.
When the RV was nearly empty, almost twenty minutes later, Astrid encountered Rick as she stepped down from the RV steps, large box in hand.
He began to pull the weight from her arms, and Astrid let him. She watched him carefully as she considered the best way to broach the new leader of the Alexandria Safe Zone. "What are you going to tell them?" She ventured. "In the church?"
Rick met Astrid's gaze easily, like he always had. But his expression was grave. "The truth," He replied, his voice edged with determination. "There's a threat—we deal with threats before they can hurt us."
Astrid bit her lip. "But we don't know anything about this group," She murmured. Slowly, her doubts regarding the deal with Hilltop had begun to surface like ripples on a darkened pond. "We don't know who the Saviors are. We don't know who Negan is."
"Sounds like he's just another Governor."
Astrid winced, her mind involuntarily conjuring the memories of agony inflicted by a single, malevolent man.
"Rick, we barely survived the Governor," She reminded him.
The Governor—his name alone was enough to send shivers down the Dixon woman's spine. So many unspeakable atrocities he had wrought upon her family. Nightmares still clung to her, vivid flashes of the hellish ordeal they had all endured at his hands. The Governor had snatched away their home, leaving nothing but death and destruction in the wake of him and his tank. Hershel Greene's death—his murder—was a constant ache in her heart, always a reminder of the price they had paid for crossing paths with Woodbury.
And now, just four short months since that cataclysmic attack, they found themselves teetering on the precipice of yet another human confrontation. How had it come to this? How could they willingly let it happen again?
Astrid could not bear the thought of losing everything they had fought so hard to rebuild again. Alexandria was meant to be their final, forever place, their protection from the horrors and evils that lurked beyond its walls. She refused to let her home—her children's home—fall prey to another madman's whims.
"We can handle this," Rick insisted, as if he could read her thoughts.
But Astrid's guard was flinty. "This man the Hilltop speaks of—this monster—killed a sixteen-year-old boy," She countered. "His men threatened to kill our own for a truck." She inhaled steadily. "This isn't just about food, Rick. This is about risking everything we've built on a gamble we don't need to take."
Rick's eyes searched hers. "We need food, Astrid."
"We could have explored other options," Astrid argued. Her voice was tinged with frustration now, and she could not seem to shake the gnawing sense of unease as it clawed deeper into her bones, turning her body rigid. "We still have rations. We could have waited, searched elsewhere. But now we're trapped, forced to bear the burdens of others' battles."
"Are you afraid to get your hands dirty?" Rick questioned.
His blue gaze pierced hers with unspoken challenge, and Astrid's ensuing glare burned with righteous indignation. "You know better than anyone that's not the issue," She snapped. "I'm afraid of blindly walking into danger, of someone paying the price for our recklessness."
"No one is going to get hurt."
"Can you promise me that?"
A nerve twitched in Rick's jaw, a telltale sign of his vexation. Astrid's own anger only seemed to further fuel his irritation, and yet he swallowed his exasperation, mustering a tight nod. "Yes," He affirmed.
But it was a lie. A lie that Astrid hoped tasted bitter on his tongue.
Before she could call him out on his falsehood, before she could push the conversation further, Rick slipped back into the pantry, leaving her alone to stew in her disappointment. She watched him go, knowing that her leader's assurances were hollow.
As she finished unloading the RV in silence, Astrid's mind churned. They had acted too brashly at Hilltop. They had gambled with their future, struck a bargain with forces they barely understood. The heaviness of this decision pressed down upon her, tightening the very breath in her chest. Was she the only one who was truly suffocated by it now?
Soon, the hour drew near, and Astrid eventually made her way towards the church. Her steps were heavy with apprehension, but the sight of Daryl's familiar form brought a flicker of warmth to her icy nerves. Sliding into the seat beside him in the wooden pew, before she could even rightfully greet him, she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to find Denise, the young woman's eyes alight with curiosity.
"How'd it go?" She inquired.
Astrid retrieved the sonogram from her jacket pocket, a feeble attempt to grasp onto, what she was convinced, was a fading moment of joy. "Ta-da," She offered with a smile. It would be one of her last honest gestures for the foreseeable future.
Denise gasped. "They have an ultrasound?"
"And prenatal vitamins," Astrid added.
Denise squealed in delight. But before she could ask further questions, Rick entered the church. His presence cast an immediate pall over the congregation of Alexandrians. So many were watchful, fearful of what their leader had to say, knowing there would be no coming back from it.
Rick went to stand at the altar and turned to face the many onlookers who so often went to him for guidance now. "We met with the Hilltop Colony this afternoon," He announced. "They're good people. We can work with them. You saw the food they provided. The supplies we brought back. We made a deal. Both Astrid and Maggie helped to hammer it out."
Astrid instantly felt the weight of many gazes upon her, and she squirmed under the scrutiny. She had not wanted to be attached to a deal like this. She had not agreed to this.
"But this deal . . . They're not giving these things away for free," Rick further explained. "There's a threat—a group known as the Saviors, run by a man named Negan. They're not just a threat to the Hilltop. They're a threat to us. They almost killed Sasha, Daryl, and Abraham out on the road. Now, sooner or later, they would have found us, just like the Wolves did, just like Jesus did." He exhaled deeply. "They would have killed someone—or some of us. And then they would try to own us, and we would try to stop them. But by then, in that kind of fight, if we're low on food, we could lose. This is the only way to be sure—as sure as we can get—that we win. We have to win."
Despite this rally, Astrid remained unconvinced. Her opinion would not change, not like this. This was not their fight.
From her seat on the pew, Astrid's green eyes narrowed, piercing through the veil of rhetoric to the heart of their dilemma. Her family was venturing into uncharted territory, blindly marching towards a confrontation that may not even be theirs to wage. Who was to say the Saviors would ever find Alexandria? Who was to say that Negan would ever find them?
"We do this, we fight the Saviors for the Hilltop," Rick continued. "It's how we keep this place. It's how we feed this place. But this needs to be a group decision." Naturally, his eyes shifted toward Astrid. "If anybody objects, here is your chance to say your piece."
Her piece is what Rick Grimes likely meant to say.
Astrid's blood boiled at the insinuation, but she refused to take the bait, her resolve hardening with each passing second. Regardless, as the murmurs of conversation swelled around her, it became painfully evident how the Alexandrians would cast their votes. Her voice would not alter the impending course of action or save any lives.
Then, a sudden clearing of a throat pierced the tense atmosphere from behind, prompting Astrid to swivel in her seat. The sound emanated from none other than Morgan Jones. Rising to his full height, he issued Rick directly. "You're sure we can do it?" He questioned. "We can beat them?"
Rick nodded. "With all we've accomplished, all we've learned, all we've become," He stated, his lips pressed into a tight line. "Yes, I'm sure."
"Then all we have to do is just tell them that," Morgan replied.
"They don't compromise," Rick countered.
"This isn't a compromise," Morgan insisted. "It's a choice you give them. It's a way out—for them and for us."
"If we try to talk to the Saviors, then we're giving up our advantage—our safety," Rick argued. "We have to come for them before they come for us. We can't leave them alive."
Morgan's gaze swept over the assembled group. Over Astrid. "Where there's life, there's possibility," He declared.
"Of them hitting us," Rick shot back.
"We're not prisoners of this situation. None of you are."
"Morgan, they always come back."
Despite Rick's tense tone, Morgan nodded in solemn understanding. His jaw clenched as he spoke next. "They always come back when they're dead, too," He reminded. "And I'm not talking about the walkers."
As Astrid observed Morgan, she was struck by his commitment to advocating for a path of peace. Her reaction now was a far departure from the previous perception of him she had conjured on their shared road to Virginia. Then, she would have called him a coward for choosing to shun violence at all costs. Yet now, as she found herself reevaluating her own judgment, standing on the same side, Astrid held a newfound respect for his choice—a respect that pulsed with the force of a thunderstorm raging within her soul. It was a choice she could now make herself.
She was the only one, of course. No others would back Morgan. And it was clear to Astrid that Rick was done debating with him.
This was precisely why she had hesitated to engage with him before the entire church. Rick thrived on the support of an audience, but if she could just speak to him in private, perhaps she could still sway his perspective before it was too late.
Rick pivoted to face the altar once more, commanding the attention of the gathered community. "Morgan wants to talk to the Saviors first," He reiterated. "Now, I think it would be a mistake, but it's not up to me. I'll talk to the people still in their homes, I'll discuss it with the people on guard now, too. Everyone gets a say." His hands found their way to his hips, and his gaze seared into Astrid's with a penetrating intensity. "But is there anyone else that wants to approach the Saviors and talk to them first?"
Why did they even have to talk to the Saviors? Why did Alexandria even have to go raid their compound? Why show their hand, their forces, before there was even a proper fight?
This was not their fight. How many times would Astrid have to say that, both aloud and to herself?
These were questions she wished to challenge. But instead, Astrid cast her eyes downward and remained silent. Daryl, seemingly oblivious to her inner turmoil, made no mention of her tilted gaze. Rather, his silent comfort came in the form of a gentle touch as his hand found her thigh, offering a small yet reassuring squeeze. Astrid's focus fixed on the simple band adorning her husband's ring finger. She could not meet his eyes.
For once, even if Daryl did not know it yet, Astrid might have been standing on an opposing shore from him. A husband and wife's union—fractured by the specter of war.
Thankfully, the spotlight of Rick's watchful stare shifted away from Astrid as Aaron Raleigh rose to his feet, several pews away. "What happened here," He began. "We won't let that happen again. I won't."
As Aaron's voice faded, Astrid dared to lift her head. Rick's stance was undaunted, his presence dominating. "Then it is settled," He proclaimed with a steely resolve. "We know exactly what this is. We don't shy away from it. We live." A chill swept through the church. And then, in a tone that brooked no dissent, the leader of the Alexandria Safe Zone uttered the final words that would seal Alexandria's fate forever:
"We kill them all."
~~~~~~~~~~
living vicariously through this challenge of leaderships and ideals between astrid and rick. i love their relationship so much and how much it flexes, given the obstacles they face on a daily basis. in this chapter alone, they quite literally started it by giving one another parent advice, and then it ended with them potentially on different sides of a war. and yet they are still allies, they still know each other so well. seriously, one of my favorite dynamics to write in this entire series.
i hope you are enjoying the evolution of astrid and rick as much as i am. who would have thought those two strangers from atlanta would be here...
anyways, thank you for reading. there is still so much more to come.