Chiara
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." rinig kong bulong ng isang pamilyar na tinig, nakapikit man, I know the owner of this voice.
"Ang selfish mo. I hate you. Pinaiyak mo ako, I really hate you." I remained still, listening to every I hate yous. Her voice is shaking and I hate to see or even hear her cry.
Just like Mama and Daddy, or any of my family members that's close to my heart, I also don't want to see Kallie cry. She's the type of friend anyone can ask for. Conyo, loka-loka, KJ, kuripot-- but behind those traits, she's sweet and caring. Buong buhay ko, siya palagi ang nasa tabi ko. Sa sobrang close naming dalawa, halos 'di na kami mapaghiwalay but this time.. masakit man, I need to leave her..
"Sabi mo walang iwanan. I hate you Chiara, I really do. Aatend ka pa nga ng kasal ko eh, magiging maid of honor ka pa tapos ito? May leukemia ka at ayaw mong magpagamot? Aba leche, ang hina mo! Lumaban ka nga!" she exclaimed once more at may naramdaman akong tumulo sa pisngi ko, probably her tears.
"Damn, Kallie. Hindi pa nga ako namamatay but here you are, iniiyakan na ako. What more pa kaya kapag namatay na nga ako?" mahina kong saad as I slowly open my eyes, facing Kallie na ngayo'y mugto ang mga mata habang nakatingin sa' kin ng masama.
"Don't say that. You're not going to die." she hissed, making me smile a little. Everyone dies, sadya nga lang na mauuna ako.
"Maghanap ka na lang ng bagong kaibigan, someone way better than me. Make sure na pangit ang hahanapin mo ah, I must be your most gorgeous friend kahit na mawala na ako." I joked, making her frown at kaagad niyang pinalo ng mahina ang braso ko dahil dun.
"I'm not going to find someone because again, you're not going to die. You're not going to leave me." she said, 'di na lang ako umimik pa.
"Sina Mama?" I asked dahil ngayon ko lang napansin, kaming dalawa lang ni Kallie dito.
"Brat, you didn't even told me na si Ms. Lea pala ang totoo mong Mommy, your hiding secrets from me." nakangusong wika nito, "But yeah, nasa labas. Pinapakalma ni Tito Aga, she's still crying.." dagdag pa niya na ikinangiwi ko.
Bakit ba nila ako iniiyakan? Sweet heavens, I'm not even worth a tear. Ganyan ba ako ka importante para sa kanila?
"Why do people cry, Kall?" out of the blue kong tanong.
"Why do you even eat, Chia?" she asked me back na ikinataas ng kilay ko.
"In able to live? Syempre kapag nagutom ako, mamatay ako." sagot ko as Kallie smiled warmly at me.
"Exactly! You eat to live, others cry themselves out to live. To show their emotions. They cry because they're sad, they cry because they can't handle the pain, they cry because they just.. feel like crying." sagot nito, is that really? People cry because they're sad?
Hindi ba pwedeng kapag malungkot ka, ngumiti ka? Hindi ba pwedeng kapag nasasaktan ka, tumawa ka? Hindi ba pwede iyon? Tuwing nalulungkot ka, iiyak ka na lang ba? I mean I know, it's healthy to shed a tear because it cleanses your eyes but from my own personal experience, nakakapagod din umiyak dahil sa mga problema ko.
Can't I just laugh it off and act like nothing bad happened? Can't I just go on and live my remaining days without crying? Without them crying?
"People cry because of their family problems, school, money, circle of friends, or mostly, heartbreaks. Lahat ng mga nabanggit ko, masasakit but seeing others cry because of you? Wala ng mas masasakit pa dun. It's like you're accused for something you didn't do, you we're rot in jail for murdering someone that you didn't.." wika ko. Ganto ba talaga ang mga taong malapit ng mamatay? God, Chiara, you're being weird.
"You're so creepy." aniya at tumawa ng mahina, napangiti na lang din ako. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam, hearing her laughter is all that I can ask for right now..
"I know." sagot ko at bumuntong hininga, magsasalita pa sana siya pero sabay kaming napatingin sa pintuan when it opened, revealing Alysse who's sitting in a wheelchair at tiga-tulak naman si Eros.
"Aly wants to talk to you." Eros said seriously ng walang emosyon. Is he mad at me too? Oh well..
"Sige Chia, I'll be outside." sambit ni Kallie at tumayo na nang tuluyang marating ni Alysse ang direksyon niya, with the help of Eros.
Kallie and Eros left, leaving me and Alysse here. Gusto raw akong makausap eh she's not even looking at me, nakayuko lang ito habang pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri niya.
"I'm sorry." after minutes of complete silence, nagsalita na rin siya, "I apologize. I'm sorry Chiara, I'm sorry." dagdag pa niya.
"You don't have to, ako dapat ang mag-sorry sa'yo. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, Aly." I uttered.
"Sinaktan mo nga ako but it's for a good cause, nagising na ako sa katotohanan so still, thank you." nakangiting ani nito, tumango lang ako at ngumiti rin.
"Ayaw mo daw magpa-chemo? Why so?" biglaang tanong niya. They kept on asking me this question, as if, magbabago ang isip ko.
"I'm tired." I answered simply, I don't need to exaggerate my answer, kung sila ang nasa posisyon ko, mapapagod din sila.
"You know Chia, I'm having a difficult time more than you do. I'm adopted, I thought na nakilala ko na ang mga totoong magulang ko pero hindi rin pala, and now, probably, my Aunt will go to jail, saan na lang ako pupulutin? You think napapagod ka? Try putting yourself in my own situation and experience how to live like I do, the pain is worst than you think it is." natahimik naman ako at napaisip dahil sa sinabi niya.
Am I overreacting? Sinasabi ko lang na napapagod ako pero infact, hindi lang naman pala ako ang napapagod, the people around me, sila rin? Napapagod din sila? Now, I'm having doubts..
___
"Daddy, Mama.." I uttered when the both of them arrived, mugto ang mga mata nila, especially Mama who looks so stressed and haggard all because of me.
"Are you hungry?" tanong ni Daddy, umiling naman ako. I'm not hungry, I'm tired..
Silence elope, it's so quite out here na parang kahit tibok ng puso ko, naririnig ko. Tahimik lang si Mama na nakatayo sa dulo ng kama ko while Daddy's sitting beside me, this is so awkward.
"You're one of a hardheaded kid, iniisip ko, kanino ka ba nagmana? But then I realized, sa' kin pala.." wika ni Mama na ikinakunot ng noo ko, uhm, what is she trying to imply? Na matigas ang ulo ko at sa kanya ko iyon namana? I already know that..
"You don't want to live? Then we'll give you reasons to live, Chia. A lot of reasons na mas gugustuhin mong lumaban kesa mamatay." she added and now, she's smiling from ear to ear. Reasons, para ano pa?
"Mama, 'di ba sinabi ko ng ayaw ko na po." mahina kong sambit, nothing can change the decision I have in mind.
"11:11, it's always going to be 11:11." she suddenly said habang nakatingin sa wall clock dito, 11:11? It's 11:11 pm, anong gusto niyang gawin, humiling ako? As if it's true..
"According to some, when the clock strikes at exactly 11:11, make a wish and that wish might come true. 11:11 means hope, Chia." aniya habang nakangiti pa rin dito.
"First reason, kami ng Daddy mo. Don't leave us because we can't leave without you, Chiara. Without our Chiara.." halos pabulong na wika nito, enough for me to hear.
Unting-unting kumurba ang isang ngiti sa labi ko, hope, 11:11. Starting from now, it's always going to be 11:11.
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