Lea
Katahimikan. Pagkatapos umalis ng doktor na iyon, none of us dared to speak. Parang naputol ang mga dila namin, or, our mouths was stitched closed making us unable to say a word.
"A--no daw? Leuk--leukemia?" Kate asked, finally breaking the silence.
Leukemia, bakit leukemia pa? Sa dinami-dami ng tao sa mundo, bakit si Chiara pa? Bakit anak ko pa?
Parusa ba 'to sa' kin sa lahat ng mga kasalanan ko sa buhay? If so, I should be the one who's supposed to carry that punishment, not her! Seeing Chiara in that situation breaks my heart na kahit ako, nahihirapan na ring huminga ng maayos, naninikip ang dibdib ko.
"She's going to be alright, 'di ba?" tanong naman ni Analaine and from my peripheral vision, I can see her looking at me na tila ba, hinihintay ang pagsagot ko sa tanong niya.
Unti-unti naman akong tumango at napakagat-labi na lang to prevent my tears from falling, basang-basa na ang pisngi ko sa kakaiyak, ayaw ko ng umiyak, crying is the number one way of showing someone your weakness and in our situation, I don't want to show anyone how weak I am. I don't want to.
"Of co--course she's going to be alright! Si Chia-chiara iyan 'di ba? Palaban iyan eh. She can fight and win this battle, she must." I answered while stuttering, she will be okay. She will be.
Naramdaman ko ang biglaang paghawak ni Aga sa kamay ko as he look at me and smiled, making me feel better. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam na makitang ngumiti ang taong mahal mo, somehow, nabawasan ang bigat sa dibdib ko.
"I need some fresh air, Analaine, tara nga muna sa labas, samahan mo ako." Kate said and before Analaine can answer, she pulled her arms right away at hinila ito palabas ng silid, leaving the three of us behind.
"There are cancer survivors after being diagnosed with leukemia, 'di ba?" I asked him na ngayo'y nakatingin lang sa natutulog pa ring si Chiara.
"There are but they've gone through a lot just to survive their sickness, Chiara can do it babes, nakaya nga niyang umakyat sa bakod ng bahay while wearing her school uniform ng walang kahirap-hirap, leukemia pa kaya?" sagot nito at bahagya pang tumawa but I can still see sadness through his eyes, napailing na lang ako.
"Lokohin mo na sila, 'wag lang ako. One of the hardest thing in life is to pretend that you're okay but in fact you're not. It's hard to pretend but it's easy to convince yourself that you're fine, you get my point? Mahirap man, just keep on convincing yourself na magiging okay din ang lahat, don't loose hope, makakaya natin 'to." I told him.
Ang galing ko rin magsalita eh 'no? I told him not to loose hope, to convince himself na magiging okay rin ang lahat pero ako nga ito, hindi magawa iyan.
But it's way better to see him smiling, sa ngayon, siya na lang ang natitirang lakas ko kaya sa tuwing nagiging miserable siya, mas dumudoble lang ang bigat sa puso ko.
"Kaya mahal kita eh." he said as he pulled me as our lips met, aba malandi! Nagawa pang lumandi sa gantong pagkakataon, I tried to move so I can free myself from his grip pero mas lalo niya lang 'tong hinigpitan.
"Please, go get a room.." kaagad ko siyang naitulak upon hearing a familiar voice as my eyes started to water again nang tuluyan ng magising si Chiara na ngayo'y nakaupo na habang nakasandal sa headboard ng kama niya, looking at us with disgust pero hindi maialis ang ngiti sa labi nito.
"Chiara!" I exclaimed at kaagad na lumapit sa gawi niya and gave her a tight hug.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry anak, please forgive me. I'm sorry." paulit-ulit kong sambit, still hugging her.
Parang kailan lang, siya ang nagsosorry sa' kin but now, the tables have turned, ako naman ang humihingi ng tawad sa lahat ng mga nagawa ko.
"Did you call me.. anak? Alam niyo na po?" she asked curiously kaya napabitaw naman ako ng yakap sa kanya as I wiped my tears away at tumango while facing her.
"Yes, and you know it before we do, so why didn't you tell us?" tanong ko, umiwas naman siya ng tingin at napayuko na lang.
"You won't believe me if I do so.." bulong niya and that hits me. Ganyan na ba ako kamanhid para hindi mapansin ang mga bagay-bagay sa paligid?
"Chia.. I'm sorry, I didn't mean those words. I'm really sorry." wika ni Aga kaya agad namang napaangat ng tingin si Chiara.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry too Daddy. I'm sorry for hurting the both of you. I'm really sorry." she said at tuluyan ng napahagulgol while kept on uttering words that she's sorry.
"Kami dapat ang mag-sorry, wala kang kasalanan. Ssshh, stop crying na." saad ko while caressing her long hair, she's still crying kaya using my hands, I lift her chin up and wipe her tears away using my thumb.
"Mama.." pabulong na wika nito at kaagad na niyakap ako, I was stunned for a moment after hearing that word from her.
Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na tawagin ka niyan ng sariling anak mo. The feeling is a hundred times way better than being complimented, than being praised, than winning a new award. It felt so good na nagsimula naman na akong umiyak but this time, tears of joy na.
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Chiara
I'm actually expecting na the moment I woke up, makikita ko na si Santanas sa harap ko because technically, I assumed that after cutting my wrist again, mamatay na talaga ako but look at me now, still alive and breathing.
Ewan ko ba kung ba't buhay pa ako eh--- it's not like hindi ako thankful, it's just that sa dinami-dami ng kasalanan ko sa mundo, shouldn't I be burning and being tortured in hell right now?
Other people deserved to live more than I do, tsaka isa pa, I'm having this unexplainable feeling, nanghihina ako na ewan. The last time that I've been hospitalized after cutting my wrist, hindi naman ganto ang nararamdaman ko ah.
"You want more?" tanong ni Mama--- it's kinda awkward to call her that pero dapat masanay na ako, ito naman ang pinangarap ko 'di ba? Ang makasama sila ni Daddy at kilalanin nila ako bilang anak nila.
"I'm full na po.." sagot ko, ngumiti lang siya at tumango na sabay lapag ng pinggan na pinagkainan ko sa side table.
Nakaupo si Mama sa chair sa gilid ng kama ko at si Daddy naman, nasa tabi niya lang and their eyes are both swollen. Looks like they have something to say but they're just to hesitant to do it.
"May sasabihin ba kayo sa' kin?" I asked, nakakabinging katahimikan ang nangyayari sa aming tatlo and I'm obviously not buying it.
"We have.." Dad answered at nagsimula ng bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko... parang alam ko na kung saan pupunta 'to.
"Chia... may leukemia ka." wika ni Mama as my mouth formed an oh after hearing that.
Kung ang iba, nagdadalamhati after knowing this but me.. I don't feel bad, or sad, nababahala, pwede pa. Hindi na ako nagulat, I already have an idea na may sakit nga ako after getting those bruises without doing anything.
Tanggap ko na, besides, nakilala naman ako ng mga magulang ko and that's the only goal I have in life. Wala namang rason para mabuhay pa ako, 'di ba?
"But don't worry Chia, gagaling ka. Chemotherapy can do the work, you'll be eventually cured." sabi ni Daddy kaya agad naman akong napailing dahil dun. Ayaw ko, ayaw ko.
"I don't want to, ayaw ko po mag-chemo. I don't want to be treated." giit ko, making their eyes widened in surprised.
"What did you said? Ayaw mong magpa-chemo?" Mama asked me and I can hear a tone of anger from her voice.
"Ayaw ko." I answered sternly, ayaw ko ng gumaling. Nakakapagod ring mabuhay eh, after this, what would happen next? Oo nga, masaya ako pero sa kabila ng lahat, natrauma na ako. Pagkatapos kong makaranas ng kasiyahan, susunod naman ang mga paghihirap and it sucks.
"Naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo, Chiara? Ayaw mong gumaling? What the heck are you thinking?" pasigaw na tanong ni Mama na ngayo'y umiiyak na naman, umiwas ako ng tingin because it hurts seeing her cry because of me.
"Sorry but I don't want to live anymore." I whispered and the next thing I knew, napapitlag ako sa gulat ng biglang hampasin ni Mama ang pinggan na nakapatong sa side table kaya nahulog ito at gumawa ng malakas na ingay.
"You don't want to live anymore? What kind of decision is that? Are you crazy, Chiara? Other people are fighting to live their life and there you are, you still have the chance to be cured but you don't want to? Ano ba?!" she yelled at me once more as Dad tried to calm her.
"I'm not those other people! I don't want to be treated because I'm tired! Nakakapagod na! And how sure you are na kung mag-chemo nga ako, gagaling ako kaagad? Mama, Daddy, almost all of leukemia patients died because they didn't make it!" hindi ko na maiwasan ang hindi rin mapasigaw.
"You're unbelievable.." saad niya at parang tuluyan ng nanghina sa narinig.
Am I? I'm only saying this not because I'm selfish but it's because ayaw ko silang masaktan, ayaw ko silang umasa na mabubuhay pa ako. Okay na eh, okay lang na ako ang masaktan pero Daddy, especially Mama? I can't stand seeing them being miserable and it's all because of me.
"I'm sorry Mama but my decision is final. Ayaw kong mag-chemo." I hissed at dahang-dahang humiga as I closed my eyes, ignoring the words they say.
Masakit mang marinig ang paghikbi ni Mama, nagbingi-bingihan ako. I'm doing this for them dahil habang maaga pa, habang hindi pa namin masyadong kilala ang isa't-isa, ako na ang bibitiw dahil sa oras na tumagal, mas lalo silang masasaktan, mas lalo akong masasaktan dahil alam ko sa sarili ko, hindi ko kakayanin ang lahat ng 'to..
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