× Horan
I was hoping to find Professor Haskins in the chemistry lab to ask for advice on everything that has been going on. I've gone to her before about Lynn - before things made sense - so I was hoping she had any tips to get through this bump, unlike what Professor Lawtherd had provided me without my asking.
But when I went to check it out, the door was locked and the room dark. I had the key to get in, but seeing as she wasn't inside, I had no reason to go in.
So I somehow found myself in the arena instead.
It had been two days since Lynn and I talked to Coach in his office, and news had quickly gotten out that we had been kicked off the team. It wasn't a mystery why, but that didn't mean they weren't furious with Coach's decision. Jace had told me that it had gotten as far as Coach receiving emails of death threats.
The team was furious, tried everything they could to have Coach change his mind. They even went as far as collectively telling him that they were quitting the team, but the moment Lynn and I heard that, we quickly shot that idea down. As much as I would kill to get back on the team, I already brought one person down with me, I didn't want to put anyone else in that situation. However, I'm not sure how long the team would last now that James was the captain. Having that title means you need respect from everyone on the team, and since everyone knows he was part of the reason Lynn and I were no longer on that team, that respect would be nothing short then zero.
Lynn and I were called The Royal Duo for a reason. We were a powerhouse together, and now that we were both off the team, it didn't take a genius to figure out the odds of the London Lions winning the BUSA.
But at this point, I didn't give a shit about that anyways.
Any hope of me going professionally after this had lower odds than the team winning the trophy.
Out of pure anger, I booted the checkered ball with my foot and watched it hit the top right corner of the goal and swoosh into the net. Laughing to myself at what a flawless kick and no one was around to see it, I pulled the bottom of my shirt up and wiped the sweat from my forehead.
Even though I was off the team, Coach still gave me access to the arena as well as the equipment. But I didn't need anything other than a net and a ball.
I ran toward the goal and dribbled the ball back to the edge of the penalty box. My mind instantly cleared of any trouble and was taken over by football drills and scenarios. If an opponent player were to come toward my right, I would back track slightly and maneuver around him before making the goal. If the goalie were to slide into me, I'd make sure to take note and aim for one of the corners before he even had the chance.
With my ears pounding of the echoing silence of the arena, I backed up and stood a few feet away from the ball. Bouncing on the toes of my feet, I quickly went into motion and booted the ball toward the goal.
I was cursing myself before it even hit the medal post and rolled away toward the sidelines.
No matter how absorbed I might think I was, there wasn't anything that could take away the fact that my future was a huge black hole of nothingness. And that would always be on the back of my mind.
I followed the ball as it came to a rolling stop at someone's feet. I looked from their black Nike trainers up to their blue jean cladded legs with a black buttoned jumper tucked into the front. I stood in the penalty box and watched as Lynn bent down and picked up the ball, spinning it in her hands.
"You were too short on that last kick," she spoke.
I took a few steps toward her. "I've been distracted lately."
"Yeah... me, too."
Thinking, I took the remaining steps toward her and grabbed her wrists, pulling her into me. "So..." I trailed off, looking down at her soft features. "What are we going to do about that?"
Suddenly, a sly grin played on the corner of her mouth and she shoved the ball to my chest. "One-on-one," she said.
It surprised me that after all this time; the two of us had never played against each other. There were those times during practice, but that didn't count because it was part of training and there were people watching. We never just went out and kicked a ball around with just us with no audience around to watch our every move.
I grabbed the ball from her hands. "Whoever loses has to do whatever the other wants for a month."
The smile on Lynn's face fell and her eyes suddenly looked sad. "Deal."
I took my stance in front of the goal and dropped the ball to the turf.
I watched as Lynn made her way over to me, lifting her sweater over her head in the process and throwing it to the sidelines. Leaving her in only her jeans and a camisole, she took her stand in front of me.
Before I could open my mouth to count down from three, Lynn took the liberty to start the game by stealing the ball from under my foot, spinning around and heading toward the goal.
I quickly caught up to her and pressed my body against hers so she would fall away, but she didn't budge. We ended up just pushing each other as we fought for the ball, making it obvious that we were too evenly matched to play one-on-one.
Eventually, Lynn got the upper hand by pressing her ass up against my crotch to create a barrier and swept the ball away and kicked it into the goal.
"Yes!" Lynn shouted, the smile on her face was as bright as the setting sun.
"Best two-out-of-three," I argued, placing my hands on my knees as I leaned over by the waist to catch my breath. "You cheated."
"Cheated?" Lynn laughed. "Now you're making things up."
"Grinding isn't allowed."
"I did no such thing."
I glared at her and took the ball away, running back to the place we had started. "Best two-out-of-three."
Lynn took her spot in front of me once again. This time her eyes were on fire with determination as she stared me down. Seeing her in nothing but jeans and a skimpy tank top made me upset that football wasn't more of a contact sport, but I knew it would be so worth it to win.
I made the first move as I faked left and went around her, but I was the one caught off guard as she saw my trick and stepped in, stealing the ball right out from under me just like the play before. But this time I was ready and quickly rounded on her and pressed my chest against her shoulder to move her out of the way before spinning out of her reach.
I expected her to follow me - I left enough offense for her to easily steal the ball back - but I didn't see her as I kicked the ball and watched it hit the back of the net with a swoosh.
Out of breath, I turned to face her. She was standing in the middle of the field, hands at her sides and head down.
"What was that?" I asked through batted breath. "You could have easily beaten me. I gave you enough-"
"Niall, I'm leaving."
I stopped what I was saying and stared at her. Her words seemed to echo off the stadium walls and swallow up around me, cutting off my ability to speak. I didn't understand at first. It was just sound bouncing off the walls, but the longer I stood and watched her, it gradually came to me in a slow, cathartic effect.
A wave of chemistry flowed between us, a force so small that you couldn't see it with the naked eye. But I could feel it. I've experienced that earth shattering stillness before, whenever I would feel the walls closing in on me and all the elements that make up the human body screamed to be let free. Oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, calcium and the others that's necessary to live, just pulling at my heartstrings until they snapped.
But that didn't compare to the crushing feeling of my heart when those words left Lynn's mouth. Whoever said actions speak louder than words has never been silenced by the deafening cry of a small, unexpected goodbye.
"Leaving?"
Lynn didn't say anything. I noticed her chest rising up and down with deep breaths, and I knew she was holding herself back. I knew her mind well enough by now to know that she was holding everything inside for my benefit.
She took a step toward me and I didn't have the energy to move away like I wanted to. Everything was snapping at the seams with every step she took in my direction.
"Coach Sharp," she started to explain. "She came to London to-"
"To bring you back to UCLA," I finished for her with a shake of my head. "Of course she did. Now that you don't have any ties to scouts, she's snatching you back up."
"No, Niall," she snapped, obviously irritated that I wasn't allowing her to finish. "I have to leave by the end of the school year, but it's my choice to go back to California now."
Those words stung. It hurt so much that I actually felt it in my chest. Knowing she was being forced back to California was one thing, but knowing it was her free will was another.
This was all on her. It was her decision to run.
"So you're just going to leave?" I retorted, my hands balling into fists. "You're throwing this away before we even had a chance to begin! I shouldn't be surprised since this is what you always fucking do. We can finally be us without caring who's watching and then you just run away. This is an endless cycle with you, isn't it?"
"I'm not running away!" she yelled just as forcefully. "I've stopped running, why can't you see that this is bigger than just me!"
Seeing the first tear run down her cheek made me soften. Watching her run her fingers through her hair in frustration was a sight I've seen many times during a game, but never because of me. And it made all the built up rage inside me leave like an inflated balloon.
"When are you leaving?" I asked slowly, afraid of the answer.
I watched her carefully. Her blue eyes were bright but full of raw emotion that cut deep into my core. She stood tall and strong, but I've seen Lynn snap more than once to know that the decision to stay or leave left her in despondency greater than anything else before.
She paused and took a breath. "Tonight."
"Tonight!? What the fuck, Lynn? When where you going to tell me?"
"I would have told you sooner but it's not like this is easy to say!"
At the age of twenty-three, I've said goodbyes countless of times, so I knew there was no easy way to execute a goodbye as it is the hardest word to say. So I didn't argue with her.
Eras end, it just happens. Friendships, daily routines, jobs, locations, relationships, lives - anything you're a part of right now is likely to end someday. Maybe temporarily, but possibly forever. Even if we don't want to admit it, we know that we will never be in this exact same spot again.
But no matter how much we wish to stay, life has to go on. Even if I didn't like it.
"So don't say it," I pleaded, my voice hoarse. "Don't leave."
"You have to have known this wasn't going to last," she said through a broken sigh. "Sooner or later things would start getting serious and we both want something different in the end. I can't change my life around to accommodate yours. Maybe that works for some people, but I can't see myself in a wedding dress or having kids."
Lynn stopped to wipe the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"I mean, fuck, Niall," she continued with a sniffle. "The ladder nearly happened to us already and you saw how I freaked out. I can't be here and pretend like my biggest problem is my invaded privacy and what I'm going to do with my career. My biggest problem is you. I want to please you, but I want to stay true to myself as well. Which is why I have to leave, you deserve someone who can give you those things."
"Lynn, I don't give a shit about that!"
"But you will! I don't want you to start hating me in twenty years, blaming me because you didn't get the life that you wanted."
We went silent then, her words hitting me like a ton of bricks. You don't just have to die for the people you love; you have to live for them, too. Being in love means sacrificing the things that make you happy in order to make the person you're in love with happy. Unfortunately, sometimes that means leaving completely.
But I was going to be selfish. We've gone through too much just to let it slip through our fingers.
"You're just going to throw it away?" I challenged. "The trip here almost seems pointless, doesn't it? You fought for this and now you're just going to give up?"
"I'm not-" she paused and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them again. "It wasn't pointless. If I didn't come here, I never would have had the impact on the young girls then I do now. I never would have figured out what I really wanted to do in life if I played it safe at UCLA. I never would have conquered my fear of fire and I never would have gotten passed the walls I had put up to protect myself from that. Niall," she took a step toward me, her eyes pleading with me. "We never would have been this."
I didn't want to admit it, but maybe she was right. Maybe this was supposed to happen. We were supposed to cross paths and change each other's lives. But in the end; we weren't supposed to end up together. Our lives were already made up from the moment we had met. The end was fated like those forbidden stories laid out on the library table. We weren't written to make it to the last page of our story.
"I don't want you to go," I said softly, my throat closing up.
"I don't like this anymore than you do," she whispered. "But sometimes... sometimes becoming light means setting yourself on fire."
She was only a few feet away, but it already felt like an ocean. Even as I took a step toward her, it seemed like the water between us was expanding. But I knew this was the last time I would see her, so with each stride, my mind became clearer, as if the growing physical distance between us had now become an emotional chasm.
The tears on her face left streaks down her cheeks. Her eyes were shiny and bluer than ever. When I stood in front of her, I reached out and wiped away the droplet with my thumb.
From the simple touch of my skin on her face, she broke down. The next thing I knew her arms were around me as she sobbed into my neck. I didn't hesitate to wrap my arms around her waist in a tight grip; my vision starting to blur from the tears that threatened to leave my eyes.
"I'm sorry," Lynn sobbed into my skin. "I'm sorry that we fell in love and that I have to leave and put an ocean between us. Do whatever you can to get back on the team; lie, bag, throw me under the buss, I don't care... I won't stop you. You deserve to get what you want."
I pulled back and held her face in my hands. "What about you?" I asked. "We can work together; we can find a way to get back into the professional playing field together."
"Soccer isn't what I want anymore," she sniffled. "I'm good at it, but it was never something I wanted to do. I want to travel and take pictures. I want to appreciate the world behind a lens and see what I've been missing out on when I've been too busy training."
"Stay for the semester," I begged as I ran a hand through her hair, searching her eyes. "It gives us a few months to prepare."
Lynn closed her eyes. "Niall, time between this isn't going to make it less painful."
I knew she was right, but I still had that fire in me to argue, to give her something to hold onto and stay for at least one more night. Whether I saw it coming or was completely blindsided, the feelings were still going to be present. In reality, there was no amount of time in advance that could fully prepare me for the actual goodbye.
"I miss Grandma. I miss my friends and I miss the beaches and the hot weather. I even miss the goddamn neighbor dog that barks all night." Her eyes slowly opened and she looked up at me desolately, her irises shiny with tears. "I don't want to go, but I have to. I'm afraid if I stay, I'll lose the courage to leave at the end of the semester. And I have to leave."
I thought back to everything we have gone through together. It was hard to believe that I only met Lynn four and a half months ago.
The future was always something I had worried about. I'm not sure if it was because of my young mind and lack of wisdom, but I never gave thought to all the time that surrounded my life into only a small speck in a timeline. I had so much time. So much time that I let it slide through my fingers like worthless pennies.
I wasted it.
Staring in Lynn's eyes, I thought about the things I could have done instead of begrudging her, the things I could have said to her instead of insolent comments and sharp insults. The things I could have done that made time stand still instead of passing by.
"Do you remember the first thing I said to you was?" I asked suddenly.
She laughed through the tears, a small smile appearing on her beautiful lips. "Probably something offensive."
Right then, a snowflake landed on Lynn's cheek. A perfectly delicate shaving right on the trail of her tear, melting the moment it hit her skin like a kiss from an angel.
"'You're kind of a big deal'," I whispered.
With my thumb, I wiped away the remaining of the flake just as more slowly fell from the sky. They glittered in the warm glow of the setting sun, and as I watched them fall, I knew I wouldn't be able to look at snow the same way again.
"I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I said that."
Just like the very beginning, I was drawn into her eyes. The sapphire blueness generated a feeling like I was being pulled into a lake of frozen emotions. I sealed my memories of her in the thick walled ice only to thaw out when it was time to let her go.
Maybe someday we'd meet again. But someday isn't prime for us right now. Someday is yet to exist, it's like a forever ago or a forever to go. Someday may not even happen at all.
But for right now, I'm going to make the most of it.
"Can I kiss you?" I whispered.
Lynn seemed surprised by my request, maybe because she thought I would be mad at her, or possibly for the simple fact that I asked. But instead of answering, she closed the space between us and pressed her mouth to mine.
It was nothing short of passionate as we found our arms around each other once again. She and I were a supernova - too massive to end without an explosion. And nothing proved it more than the shooting stars that went off in my head when the kiss deepened and the thought of Lynn leaving tonight disappeared.
We stood in the center of the football field, snow falling around us like confetti, the salty taste of our tears mingling together as we kissed for the last time.
Automatically, my hand found hers and our fingers laced together like a perfect puzzle piece. Thinking this would be the last time I would get the chance to hold her hand, touch her, kiss her... made me press harder and feel more.
"I love you, Lynn Mercury."
"I love you, Niall Horan."
The Big Bang is a theory about how the universe began. But with me, the universe began the first time Lynn told me she loved me. It was a little bit like a black hole and a little bit like infinity.
And as she kissed me, I suddenly got it. This wasn't the Big Bang. It's just goodbye.