It takes twice as long as it should to make the cookies with the two tall dumbasses at my side. Kyungsoo and I spend most of the time in the kitchen cleaning up after the messes that the two towers consistently manage to make.
Sehun nearly chokes on the raw cookie dough while tasting it at the same time Chanyeol managed to nearly break the oven door. Chanyeol broke the eggs and got more shell into the batter than actual yolk. Sehun spilled half of the flour in the measuring cup on the floor after coughing.
It's a mess. It's not better that all of us shouldn't be back here as it is.
Kyungsoo seems exhausted by the time the cookies finally come out of the oven, but he still seems amused enough not to kick us out yet.
The cookies cool down and each of the boys take a bite of one.
Chanyeol cringes and is the first to actually speak. "They aren't that bad. Just burnt." He frowns apologetically.
"It tastes like ass," Sehun complains.
"You would know," Kyungsoo throws in. I laugh as Sehun's mouth drop in shock. Chanyeol hits his own thigh laughing, forgetting the cookie is in his hand, and smashes it all over the place.
"You guys are idiots," I chuckle. I scrape the cookies onto a plate and pick it up carefully. "I'm gonna ask Yixing if he'd like some."
"I'll..." Kyungsoo looks around with discontent "...clean this up." I begin to protest seeing as we should all help since it was all of our fault, but he only waves us off. It doesn't take much urging for Sehun and Chanyeol to eagerly escape the messy room. I give Kyungsoo one last apologetic looking before escaping as well with my plate of cookies.
The boys all but paste themselves at my sides while I lead us to the infirmary. As usual (or at least usual to me since I've been here like 3 times now) its basically empty with a few people lying in beds behind the curtains. A few helpers walk around from bed to bed checking on the Charmers stuck there. Yixing appears from a room that looks similar to the one I was confined to.
"Yixing!" I whisper yell. He looks in our direction surprised, and then his expression turns to one of delight. I can see a dimple pop in his cheek all the way from across the room. I blink, a bit taken aback by the feature I hadn't noticed before while he smoothly crosses the room. He puts his hands in the pockets of his coat. I thrust the plate towards him. "Here. They aren't the best, but it's the least I could offer after everything you've done for me." I glance around the room "...for everyone."
He unstuffs his hands form his pockets to grab the plate with a smirk that makes his dimple appear again. "It's nothing. If you really want to repay me then you can just stay out of trouble. How does that sound?"
I laugh nervously. "I'll try my best."
"Good. I'll eat every single one," he says lifting up the play to emphasize. Feeling the embarrassment resurfacing I nod quickly and scramble away. All of these damned attractive boys talking to me and making me feel appreciated. Ugh.
"I need a nap," I grumble angrily once we enter the main building of the castle. Sehun links his pinky with mine and Chanyeol tosses an arm over my shoulder. "Cleaning after you two was fucking exhausting."
"Okay great. We'll take a nap too. I'm tired," Chanyeol adds on.
When we get back to my room and they both flop onto my bed I can't help but watch like an idiot. This isn't what I expected when I told them I wanted to take a nap. "Guys."
"What? Did you think we'd just leave you on your own?" Chanyeol asks, sitting up on his elbows.
"Uh," I put a hand on my hip "Yeah. It's a nap?"
"Please don't kick us out." Sehun murmurs into a pillow. I feel my defenses dropping immediately. The words thrown out when I went to see Kris, Luhan, and Tao surfaces in my mind. Sehun sat through hearing all of that, and then was here when I was taken. I have no idea what that did to him...to all of them.
And Kris was right.
I don't know how to defend myself. I could be dead right now. We all know it.
"Do you both plan on doing this all the time?" I ask quietly.
"Yes," Sehun mutters immediately.
"Okay...well maybe not both of us all the time, but one of us are going to be with you at all times."
Unable to comprehend the statement I grumble out a curt, "Whatever" before crawling into the bed between them. "I'm going to sleep first." Spreading out my body and shoving my face into a pillow I will my mind to shut off. It doesn't take much before a haze settles over me and my thoughts fade. The last thing I feel is Sehun playing with my fingers as I fall asleep.
**
When I wake up I find myself as little spoon to Chanyeol with one of my hands in Sehun's and his leg tossed over Chanyeol and I.
With all of the space in this bed...I'm really wondering how the hell they managed to still end up right fucking next to me. I can't say that I'm entirely upset by it though.
I feel protected.
Except for the faint glow of the moon and the garden lights through the open window, the room is dark. We slept way longer than I wanted to. I unwind from Chanyeol's arm and Sehun's leg and hand so that I can crawl to the edge of the bed. I set my feet on the ground and rub groggily at my eyes.
I have definitely fucked up my sleep schedule by napping so late in the day. Whatever.
I need something to do though now that I'm going to be up for at least 5 hours now. I squint in the dark half searching half moving just to move around. I stop at the "study table" as it has quickly become.
Looks like I'm going to study.
Since I suck at writing...and reading...and everything. I softly moan in despair and smack my face with the palms of my hands. "Idiot. You're an idiot."
I trudge over to the table with more determination than necessary so late at night, but I don't want to be an idiot any longer. I want to be able to read and write just as well as Junmyeon. Okay. Maybe not as well as Junmyeon because he's a dumb genius, but like still...I wanna be pretty good at it.
the lamp closest to the couch flickers to life when it senses my presence. I fall on the cushion and pick up the notepad with my notes and practice sheets that Junmyeon had managed to create.
I start with the reading worksheet. Trying to keep quiet I settle for whispering the sentences under my breath like a spell. Or a curse. Either works. It feels way easier doing it this way. Maybe I just don't work well under pressure? Or perhaps Junmyeon made this text easier than the last. Still managing to not know some of the words and how to say others I circle and underline them for later review.
I get so engrossed in trying to use context clues to figure out some of the words that I don't hear Chanyeol getting out of the bed and padding over beside me. He sits and then leans all of his weight on me, finally breaking my focus. I gape at his resting form heavily pinning me down
"Uh, Chanyeol?" he grunts "Can I help you or something?" he doesn't respond. "Okay listen here. Either I can get up and leave you on the couch to sleep or you can wake up and help me study." This time he groans and manages to push even more of his weight on me. I grunt as I try to counter the amount of force pushing me over and trapping me here. "So is this your way of saying you'll help me? Since I'm stuck under you?"
He exhales heavily, "Yeah I guess."
He lies there unmoving for at least 5 minutes before he finally shifts away. Far enough that I can finally move, but his thigh stays pressed against mine. "How good are you at reading and writing?"
"Not the best, but I can manage."
"Awesome well that's probably better than me so..." I point out the words on my paper "I need you to help me out here."
I hold the paper up and he leans closer to look at it, squinting in focus before letting out a bark of a laugh. "You really do suck," he says. I laugh sarcastically and then scowl in his direction. I don't remember being a jackass being a part of the definition of helping me out.
I grab the paper I'd written on yesterday after a lesson with Junmyeon. He spoke and I was supposed to write down what he said. "Take this and read it aloud. I want to know if my writing is in any way legible." He plucks the sheet from my hand and scans it quickly letting out giggles every 2 seconds. "You are supposed to be helping me not making fun of me," I whine trying to snatch the paper back. He stretches his long ass limb out of my reach and lets out another hearty laugh at my expense. I give up trying to steal it and cross my arms over my chest angrily. "I'm trying, and Junmyeon says it isn't that bad."
"Yeah, but Junmyeon is a giant nice nerd so he isn't going to tell you the truth."
"You're unbelievable." I complain. I shove at his leg grumpily trying to take out my frustration on him. "I think you're wrong, he's nice because he isn't a giant dick like some people." I pointedly glare at him. His eyes widen playfully, and it makes me want to punch him or storm off because I'm not playing around with him right now.
"Wah, someone is getting really defensive. Do you..." he narrows his eyes "Do you have a crush on Junm-" I smack both of my hands over his mouth and jump on his lap to try and force the words back down his mouth. I shush him violently.
"Shut the hell up," I hiss. I shift so that my knees aren't digging into his thighs anymore. "Don't even put that out in the air." He doesn't say anything, but I can see emotion swirling in his eyes right before I feel a hard pang of jealousy. It's gone quickly, and so is the look in his eyes. I give him an odd look. He looks back confused. "Are you jealous?" I ask accusingly. His eyes shoot open in horror. He easily pulls my hands off his mouth and shoves me off his lap. I fall to the side with an 'umph'.
"What are you talking about!?" he asks as if I just asked the most outrageous question in the world. Panic and fear wash over me next. What the fuck. There's no way I can just feel what he's feeling. I lie there and glare at him with a slight frown. Eerily similar to the face I've teased and copied Kyungsoo over. Shit I hope I haven't accidently picked this up. Chanyeol's eyes dart around the room suspiciously and his Adam's apple bobs in his throat.
I can feel the questions filling my mind. Right as I get ready to fire them off, Sehun shuffles loudly in the bed across the room. I look over to see Sehun sitting up in the bed and I completely forget what I was going to say. Chanyeol deflates in relief next to me.
"Sleep well Sunshine?" I jokingly ask the boy in the bed. He grunts before flopping backwards in the bed again. He's going to fully wake up soon, and with the both of them here there is no way I'll be able to get any more studying done today.
I pack up the notebook and rearrange the pencils on the table next to the stack of practice sheets I have. Chanyeol grabs my hand and pulls me up out of my seat. "C'mon let's annoy Sehun," he whispers with mischief swimming in his eyes.
**
The next day Chanyeol sits in on my lessons with Junmyeon.
To make a long story short, it's been a disaster.
First thing this morning both he and Sehun got into an argument over who would be the one to sit in. I finally butted in and told Chanyeol to come. I could already feel the headache that Sehun would have brought on. I'd rather not have him clinging to me when I'm busy trying to impress my crush as Chanyeol so quaintly put it.
I quickly learned that Chanyeol isn't so much better. While he isn't physically clinging to me like Sehun would have, he does find any and I mean any opportunity to make fun of Junmyeon.
I know that he usually jokes around, but today he's really going just a bit too hard for no reason. I wonder if it's because he knows I may kind of sort of like Junmyeon not that I'm actually putting that out in the air because I refuse.
I've sat through around 30 minutes of nonstop (basically) insults from Chanyeol and honestly, I'm getting really sick of it.
"Okay that's enough," I growl out. "Chanyeol, just because you've got some kind of inferiority complex doesn't mean that you have to fucking project onto Junmyeon. He hasn't done anything to you. He's nice. Why can't you leave him alone?"
Chanyeol's mouth drops, and Junmyeon turns a slight pink at my side.
Fucking kill me.
I roughly grab a new pencil off the table and start scribbling on the paper in front of me. "Can you guys just wait outside until I'm done with my lessons from now on? I'm not mad at you..." I make sure to say. "I just can't focus with you or Sehun here distracting me." I don't want him to leave now, especially after I just yelled at him, but this is really going to have to be a rule from here on out.
"Yeah okay. Whatever you say," he grunts, face darkening for the briefest of seconds.
I cast Junmyeon a look and he avoids my eyes, face still slightly pink. Chanyeol doesn't speak anymore during the lesson.
**
At 2am I finally make the trip to the Charmer hall. Sehun volunteers to lead me there while Chanyeol stays back in my room to sleep.
I think that he's still upset with me.
Sehun eagerly leads me to his "home within the home" as he called it. We get to the door and he bounces excitedly on the balls of his feet.
"Are you ready?"
I scoff out a laugh, "Open the door Sehun."
He swings the door open eagerly and grabs my hand to drag me up the stairs. I nearly trip over my own feet when I miss a stair and he keeps walking. The foyer opens up to a grand room that is way larger than I imagined it would be. I severely underestimated the number of Charmers that actually live in the castle. A simple TV and 2 couches are the only decoration in the room. A few halls stretch out from the room like secret tunnels. We walk across the eerily under decorated room to the farthest hall. A bunch of doors line the walls. There's not much of anything else. Everything here is just so empty.
Void of life.
Severely lacking in soul.
We stop outside of one of the doors and he raises his other hand to knock when I grab it and pull it back down. "I need to talk to them...alone." I wait for his reaction, and as I anticipated his face drops. I feel bad for bringing down his mood so suddenly. I see hurt, worry, and sadness flash in his eyes before he drops my hand and smiles despite his obvious sadness.
"Of course you are. I wasn't going in with you anyway...get over yourself."
I laugh softly and lean up to kiss him on the cheek. He's too cute for words. He smiles shyly and looks at the ground. "I'll be out in a bit," I tell him before knocking on the door and letting myself in. There are two beds in the room, one of which is empty and made up neatly the other is occupied by two bodies huddled together. I assume that one must be Jongdae's since he's sitting there with Baekhyun seemingly having been discussing something important before I let myself in. both of them are looking at me with dumb shocked looks on their faces.
"You came," Jongdae says amazed. He stands up off the bed.
"I definitely said that I would," I mumble.
"I thought you'd change your mind since you know I uh-"
"Nearly fucking suffocated me?" I fill in for him "Yeah, well shit happens." My tone is far calmer than the harsh words should have come out. The two of them shiver. I sigh heavily and walk towards the other bed, rethinking my decision to sit on it and instead choosing to sit on the floor next to it. Their eyes widen as if I've done something extremely out of the ordinary.
"Uh- Do you uh want to sit on the be-"
"No I'm fine. I don't want to dirty this person's space, and you guys look comfortable enough there." I hold my hand up to stop them from arguing any further. I don't care if it's supposed to be a rule that I'm not allowed to sit on the ground below them or them being above me or whatever rule is in place. Right now we have business to handle.
I also have a Jongin that I'm supposed to be finding.
"Look here guys, I know I said it already, but I don't know what the hell you want me to do. Moonbyul is, honestly, scary as shit and there is zero chance that I can protect either of you in broad daylight with her over you." I put my hand down and give them a conflicted furrow of my brows.
"Take us in then," Jongdae says abruptly. I set my lips in a stern line while waiting for him to elaborate how he expects me to do that. Did I not just say that I don't know how to do this? Maybe I'm not speaking Milasi, are we not speaking the same language right now? Does he think that I'm speaking in one of the older languages or something? English? Chinese? Korean? I snort quietly to myself. Jongdae frowns, "Can't you just ask the Queen?"
I sigh, "Solar won't just give you guys to me because I asked. Besides, you're not just property that I can ask for like a- like a new table or something."
"We might as well be," Baekhyun grumbles from beside Jongdae.
I glance at the nearly silent Charmer and try to gauge his personality. He doesn't seem to be a fan of me, and yet he's not verbally attacking me. I don't know what to make of him. "Why do you want me to take you in so bad? What if I'm just as bad as the Gaia? What if I end up just as bad as the other human girl? Why should you trust me?" I ask coarsely. The two of them share a look.
I don't know why I'm being so difficult right now. Perhaps it's because they're connected to Moonbyul. I'm still slightly afraid that she's trying to take me down through them. I haven't seen her at all since I've been back, and she doesn't seem like the type to be so indirect about sabotage.
It would be sneaky as hell if she was going to attack me through them, but I don't think that's her preferred kind of attack.
Maybe it's because I still don't trust myself not to fuck it all up in the end. What if that guy was right. Jink...Jinki? Was his name Jinki? What if everything he said was true and people are planning against Solar? What if she is planning on making me the next Queen? What does that mean for them? What does that mean for the world? What happens if the Charmers take over? Will there be war? Will I be able to escape? Will I be able to save the boys?
I've already lost my family once. And then again after the orphanage...
I can't lose everyone and everything.
Not again.
"We just know," Jongdae says quietly. I banish my thoughts and watch as his head tilts down. His shoulders drop heavily as if defeated. I feel the familiar feeling of empathy. "We've had to live with this all our lives. Do you sincerely think that we can't tell when someone is even marginally different?" He asks, looking up with tears glistening in his eyes.
God dammit I hate seeing people cry.
"I'll...give it a shot," I murmur while avoiding both of their eyes. "You guys are really putting your lives on the line right now-"
"We don't care!" they chorus, scaring me and making me jolt in my spot on the ground. I grimace to myself at the new weight being added to my shoulders before letting the frown go and nodding with determination. "Alright," I look up at their faces "I'll start thinking of some kind of plan...and then I'll come find you when I think of something." I stand up off the ground and groan as my knees pop loudly. "Thanks for...having so much faith in me...I guess."
"It doesn't mean we like you or anything. We just know you're on our side," Baekhyun adds.
I shrug sympathetically, "That's fine with me. I'll leave now. I'm sure you've both got more important things to be doing right now." I wave my hand briefly and escort myself out of the room. Kyungsoo and Sehun are waiting in the hall as soon as I exit. I run a hand down my face in exasperation.
"He's there," Kyungsoo informs me. Sehun links his index finger with mine and I hum as response to Kyungsoo's statement.
"Lead the way fellas."
We walk out of the hall and back across the large yet empty common area to one of the other hallways. Sehun manages to smoothly slip his entire hand into mine. A feeling of comfort fills me and the tension in my body slips away. I glance up at Sehun's face to catch him smiling contentedly to himself. I look down at the ground and fight my own grin.
When we reach the door Kyungsoo leans close to whisper to us, "He's there. Don't worry about anything, I'll hold the door closed. Everything is going to be fine." I nod. Sehun nods. Kyungsoo nods.
Sehun lets go of my hand (shocking the hell out of me) and with a burst of courage I enter the room.
I slam the door closed and lean on it for good measure. The bang catches the lump under the bed's attention and the tuft of hair peeking out of the comforter exposes itself as a nearly petrified Jongin. My heartrate picks up unexpectedly.
"Fuck," he hisses under his breath. I snort to myself at the curse.
"Jongin," I start, taking small steps towards his bed. He jumps out of it and runs passed me to the door. I watch him struggle with the doorknob only to hear him moan in agony as it refuses to open for him. "Jongin," I say more firmly this time.
Panic.
Run.
Find a way out.
I close my eyes and force away the unwanted thoughts. I don't want to run away. I want to talk to him. I don't know why half of me feels the need to run away.
I'm done running away.
He turns around with wide and dread filled eyes. I get a flashback to the first days of us knowing one another. The days when he was afraid to look me in the eyes, and when he did he'd always have a similar look to this one. It's different somehow now...but it's still fundamentally the same. His back is pressed firmly to the door as if he could melt through it somehow.
I wonder if he's forgotten he knows how to fucking teleport.
I take a large step towards him, and his entire body tenses. His jaw clenches and he turns his head to the side away from me. He's being swallowed by pajamas that are slightly too long for him (they look a lot like a pair of pajamas I've seen Chanyeol in actually). My throat constricts from the sadness I feel at him shutting me out. At him being scared of me again.
"Jongin," I try again. He whimpers. I close my eyes.
Fear.
Apprehension.
Guilt.
I take another large step towards him, and then another to close the last of the annoying distance between us. I can feel tears at the back of my eyes. It hurts far too much to be turned away like this. Is this how they felt when I didn't want to see them? "Jongin," I whimper pathetically. "Please look at me. Please," I put my hand on the side of his head and drag it down his disheveled hair and to his cheek.
He tilts his head into my palm further and reaches up with shaky hands to hold it closer to his cheek. A soft sob escapes from his lips. I bring my other hand to his face and guide his face back in my direction. Without a second thought I connect our lips.
Actions speak louder than words, and honestly I don't think I'd be able to covey just how I felt with words right now. The unspeakable amount of guilt I've felt when seeing their faces is enough to render me speechless. I don't know how to say what I want to say to them. Not when there's no way to explain myself. No way to let them know how sorry I am for allowing myself to be put in that situation. To have worried them. To have pushed them away after it all. To show how much I was hurt being away from them as well.
So I let my body do what my mind and words refuse to convey. I pour all of my emotions into this simple kiss so that I can reassure Jongin that I'm here. That I'm not going away. That I missed him more than he probably knows.
All of the negative emotions, self-hate, and guilt fade away as warmth, relief, and completion takes its place.
My mind clouds over and I lose all ability to think as Jongin kisses me back.
I know that I started this, but he is oh so quickly taking charge of this and taking my breath and ability to function away. We separate as the need for oxygen becomes too much to ignore. His hands find their way onto my cheeks and he lets out a sad laugh while swiping at my now tear stained skin.
"You're crying," he says with a small smile, tears running down his cheeks as well.
I furiously wipe at my eyes before grumbling out, "So are you." He laughs a bit lighter and pulls me in to his chest. "You could have teleported out of the room you know..." I mutter into his cotton shirt. He freezes as realization hit him and I let out a scoff. "Dummy."
I force myself out of his arms so that I can shove him back to his bed. I push him down with more force than what is probably necessary. He bounces on the mattress and looks at me with his mouth wide open in what I assume is shock. I cross my arms over my chest and stand over him.
"You were avoiding me," I observe. He blinks quickly twice.
"You were mad at me," he responds.
"I wasn't."
"Well you were avoiding us," he throws back easily.
He's right. "You're right," I concede. "But, I've already talked to Sehun and Chanyeol and I want you to know as well that everything is fine. What happened wasn't your fault. I was stupid. You guys were giving me space because that's what I wanted, I just didn't...need that I guess. I'm just a stubborn asshole and I'm sorry I made you guys worry and afraid." I pout to myself. God, I really acted like a fucking kid. I settle beside him on the mattress. I shake my head and face him head on again. "The point is; I don't hate you. I missed you, so stop hiding from me you dingus." I shove his shoulder playfully for good measure. He blinks dazedly. I only barely catch his gaze flickering to my lips before he reattaches his mouth to mine.
Oh my God, what's gotten into him all of a sudden? I laugh against his lips and push him back. "What's with this? You didn't get all hot and bothered by being bossed around and shoved did you?" I tease.
He blinks dumbly and drawls out a long, "Uhh..."
My mouth drops open. "Jongin...you kinky masochistic son of a bitch," I grin wickedly at the discovery. He groans in embarrassment. "You like being told what to do don't you? Does that mean you like dirty talk? Do you like being called bad words? You're hard right now too! Oh my God this is amazing." I sit up on my knees and shake his shoulder in excitement. He curls in on himself. I cackle and climb on top of him to expose his face so that I can see his expression. I pin his squirming arms next to his head and grin down at him. To be honest he didn't put up much of a fight.
Jongin is such a masochist.
"Do you think about that when you masturbate? Do you even masturbate yet?" I pry. His chest rises and falls a bit quicker than normal and his blown out pupils show his obvious arousal at the current turn of events.
As if I couldn't already tell that from his dick barely being contained by his pajama bottoms.
"Yes," comes his breathy reply.
"Yes to which question?"
"Both," he admits. I smirk at the response. I can't help the slight pride I feel at having been the one to introduce him to the wonders of the world of masturbation.
"Do you still think about me when you touch yourself?" I ask boldly pressing myself against his erection. I can't believe I've managed to find the nerve to do this so unashamed. His eyes flutter closed and he lets out a low groan.
"Every time."
"What do you think about me doing to you Jongin?" I ask, moving my hips in slow circles against him. His eyes fly open as red paints his cheeks. He closes his mouth defiantly. I tsk, l lean closer to his face and tighten my grip around is wrists ever so slightly. "I said tell me," I whisper a breath away from his lips.
He moans and writhes beneath me. His hips raising in search of friction. I lift away from him. That breaks his resolve. "I think- I imagine your fingers wrapped around me. I-I pretend that you're kissing me and-and sometimes I would imagine how you'd feel a-aroun-"
"You've thought of fucking me,"
"Yes,"
Satisfied with the answer I lower my hips back to his. "Good boy," I praise. I smash my mouth against his. All tongue, no coordination. I completely forget about holding his arms and let my fingers explore his face and clothed body. He readily does the same.
"I want you to have sex with me," he manages to pant out.
"Wh-What?" I splutter. "We just- we just reconciled and I-"
"Please,"
"Are you sure? I don't think this is a good ide-"
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life," he says. I take a second to think through the situation. It just feels like something about this isn't quite right, and yet nothing about this feels wrong.
"Okay," I tell him. I brush his bangs out of his face. "If...If you want to then I'll do it."
"I want you to want to do it too-"
"I do!" I say loudly. I cringe and deflate when his smiles that damned half smile/smirk thing he does when he's all confident. "I just- It just..." I huff annoyed with myself. "Just take off your damn shirt you idiot."
**
"Wow."
"I know. I'm pretty amazing right?" he asks with a wide grin.
"You're awful," I say in reference to his current cocky attitude.
"You weren't saying that when you were calling out my-"
"Holy shit are you always this high and mighty after sex?" I ask covering my face with my hands humiliated.
"No," he says honestly. He pulls my hands away and nestles them between our chests. "I just really like you and seeing you embarrassed makes me happy." When did awkward and cute Jongin gets so fucking smooth?
"Are you trying to seduce me right now?" I ask with a laugh.
"Maybe. Is it working?" he asks excitedly. I tense as a vison resurfaces in my mind. "Kim Jongin, are you trying to seduce me right now?" "Maybe," The dangerous look in his eyes disappears as he turns back into the cute man that I fell in love with. "Is it working?" I snort out a laugh and push against his chest. "Try harder."
I reach out and touch his face just to remind myself that he's real. Whatever the hallucination was isn't happening. It was just a coincidence. "I'm sorry," I murmur to myself. To the Jongin I let burn in that house in the hallucination. To him here in front of me for letting him suffer on his own.
"What?"
I blink away all of my troublesome thoughts and offer a small smile. "I'm sorry that your seduction skills suck." He pouts and I can't resist pinching his nose. "You're still cute though," I offer.
So we lie there in the quiet of the room. Content with silence while keeping contact between our bodies. His hand rests on my hip and I let my fingers run up and down his jawline as if it's a sidewalk.
I hate myself for thinking it was for the best that I lock myself away. I hate that I feel so content and warm and full of all the affection I've lacked in my life when I'm around them. I hate that I want more of it. So much more of it. It's worrisome because I just know there is something wrong with this equation but I can't quite identify it.
"What's wrong now?" Jongin murmurs.
"Hmm?" I catch his eyes and he looks nearly as troubled as I feel. "Nothing," I say. "I just missed you is all," I tell him. I avoid looking at his expression and settle for going back to mindlessly stroking his jaw and chin with my fingertips. He exhales in a disappointed kind of way before pulling me in close and nuzzling his face into my collarbone.