By the time I got back to my place, it was about 5:00. Brooke was only left alone for 45 minutes, so it wasn't that bad for me. I honestly have no idea what she'll think when I say that I went to her house without her, but I'm hoping it will be positivity. I'm usually not a sneaky person with her, but I felt like I had to do that, even though she probably wouldn't want me to. I jammed my key into the slit in the door knob, turning it and shoving the door open with a huff. Would it kill them to get some new doors here?
"Brooke?" I called out, shutting the door behind me. I looked around the quiet room, to see that she wasn't sitting where I had left her. It's a force of habbit to worry with stuff like this regaurding her, and that's exactly what happened. I walked in a little further, and the sudden burst of panic washed away, and I chuckled to myself as I looked at her. She was passed out on the couch, her arm draped over the side of the couch and her legs slightly bent up towards her. I set my keys down onto the counter, and slowly walked over. I sat down on the floor next to her, laying my hands down on the couch and resting my chin ontop of them, so my face was level with hers. I was quiet for a few seconds, considering that I had no problem with just watching her; she's fucking beautiful. But that's creepy as fuck so I spoke up softly.
"Lovey," I said. Her eyebrows furrowed, and her small body shifted a little bit. I laughed a little again, and put one of my hands on her shoulder. "Brooke."
"Is it tomorrow?" She asked, lifting her head up so her hair fell over her face.
"No you dork," I laughed. "I was gone for not even an hour."
"Oh. Well shit," her voice cracked, and I think she was still half asleep. She looked out the window, then back over to me and smiled sloppily. "Hi baby."
"Hi Brooke." I said back, running my hair down her soft hair and onto her back. "So I see this excessive amount of homework caused you to pass out."
"It was way too much for me," she played along. "I can't handle this much pressure." She sat up, and rubbed her eyes before sitting back and looking around the room. "I'm glad you're back though. I was getting cold all by myself."
"Yeah..." my voice trailed off, and I sat back a little. Brooke looked at me, a small look of confusion on her face.
"You alright?" She laughed, looking down at me and entangling her fingers with mine.
"Yes," I said lightly. "Pft, of course I am."
"Ashton," she said slowly, followed by a laugh. "What did you do this time?"
"Nothing!" I exclaimed. We both went silent, and Brooke narrowed her eyes at me. She looked at me like she wanted me to speak up, so I sighed and leaned in closer, resting my forearms over her knees.
"Um..." My voice trailed off, and I tried to seem as casual as I could. "I may or may not have gone to your house without you and had a somewhat emotional conversation with your mum." The words came out fast and rambly, and Brooke just stared at me with her eyebrows furrowed together in what looked like confusion.
"Did you really?" She spoke up. I couldn't tell what she was thinking by the look in her eyes.
"Yes?" I said lightly, squinting my eyes a little bit.
"Ashton!" she said frustratedly.
"I had to!" I said back.
"You could have asked me first!" Okay, now she sounded just a little angry.
"Oh come on," I said as softly as I could. "We both know if I hadn't done it, nothing would've happen." I tilted my head to the side, raising my eyebrows at her. She went silent again, and crossed her arms over her chest as her eyes wandered around the room.
"What did she say." Brooke said quietly.
"She said she was sorry," I replied. "And that she wants to talk to you very badly."
"Oh, really?" Brooke snapped. I wasn't sure if her sudden crankiness was pointed to me, or her mum. "Then why the fuck didn't she care to show any interest in me for the last week and a half!"
"That's the thing, Brooke," I said. I got up, and slumped down on the couch next to her. "She's ashamed."
"Ashamed?" Brooke repeated. "I doubt that."
"Well I don't," I said softly, leaning closer to her to look her in the eyes. "And you trust me, don't you?"
I guess my question stumped her, because she didn't answer me right away. Her eyes traveled down from my eyes, to our hands that were clasped together. "Yeah," she said lamely. "You're right. I do trust you."
"Exactly," I said. "So talk to her. I know you still need them." I leaned in closer, looking at her for an answer. Brooke said nothing, and I was confused on how upset she looked.
"I'm sorry." I said, my voice quiter than I intended.
"It's not your fault," Brooke said, turning her head to look at me. "At all. Actually, you're right. I would be too scared to do anything about this, and I still kind of am. Like...I feel like if I was to see my own mother again, she would just yell at me and break my heart like last time."
"Well, that's the thing about fear." I said. I was about to open my mouth to keep talking, but Brooke spoke up.
"That it makes us do and say things we never thought we ever would." She said quietly. I nodded, and put my arm around her.
"Remember what I told you the night you found out about them?" I asked. "I said, 'we're gonna fix this.' We might feel as though we just made it worse last week, but now we get to fix it. Right? You and me?" I held out my hand, and I looked at Brooke to take it. She looked from my eyes, to my palm, and she smiled.
"You're right," she said. "You and me."
...
*Brooke's POV*
The next day, Ashton and I walked up to the enterance of our school, and I felt more tired than usual. I ended up staying at Ashton's again last night, because I didn't want to leave his side after he had convinced me to at least talk to my mother today. I was going to go home for the first time it what felt like a long time, and I really didn't want to. I understand where Ashton's coming from when he tells me that I need to make things right with my mother, and I want to. But at the same time..I don't know. I guess I'm a little scared that something bad's just gonna happen again. Yeah, I'm a little scared.
As we walked in silence towards the usual spot, I couldn't help but get that feeling again. That same stupid feeling that I had this time yesterday. That feeling that makes me think that literally every person that was around me was staring at me, and only me. Though no matter how many times I looked up and scanned the area for anyone that was looking at me, I saw no one. I looked up at Ashton as I clung to his hand, to see his eyes mindlessly wander around, like there was nothing on his mind, for once.
"So," I said to him as we both sat down on the empty bench. "I have a plan."
"Oh boy I love plans," Ashton laughed. "What'd you got, babe?"
"After school, can you take me to my house, right? Yes? And then wait outside while I go and talk to her, and then once I say something to screw it up again, I'll just go back with you!" I said lightly. "Doesn't that seem great?"
Ashton slumped his head to the side, and raised his eyebrows at me. "Brooke," he said. "You're not gonna screw anything up! You're worrying too much. And I don't like it when you worry."
"But I don't wanna go home," I sighed. "But yeah, I know. I have too."
"Proud of you." Ashton winked, before scooting closer to me and kissing me on the cheek. I leaned into him, shutting my eyes and thanking god that I have him.
"But I still wanna have sleepovers." I chuckled.
"I hope you know you're the only person I say can come over whenever they want," Ashton replied.
"Wha?" I joked, leaning back to look at him. "Does this mean you like me more than Michael and Calum and Luke?"
"Sh, you can't tell them!" Ashton giggled. "I gave you my extra key, didn't I? Which was my way of saying 'I am giving you this extra key to let you know that you can show up any time you want and I'll be more than happy to welcome you into my household.' Besides, they eat all my food. And they never wanna cuddle with me."
"Aw, poor baby," I laughed. "I'll cuddle with you."
"I know," he said. "You're my favorite to cuddle with anyways."
...
By the time school had ended, I was already so done with the day. I just wanted to lay down with Ashton, and go to sleep. But I couldn't do that, I pretty much had to do the exact opposite. Ashton and I pulled up to my house, and it looked even more empty than usual.
"Okay," I sighed, looking over to him. "I'll see you tomorrow. You can keep all the clothes I left at your place."
"See the problem with that," Ashton joked. "Is that you look cute in my clothes. As I've said like, fifty times." His sarcastic tone made my tensed muscles relax a little, as I leaned to him and pecked his lips a couple times.
"Bye Ash," I laughed.
"Bye Lovey," he replied. I got out, and slung my bag over my shoulder. "Call me tonight, okay?"
"Of course," I nodded. I turned to go to up the front steps of my porch.
"Brooke?" I heard Ashton's voice behind me.
"Yeah?" I asked, turning around to look at him.
"Proud of you." He said soflty, followed by a small smile. I felt my tensed muscles relax a little bit more at his sweet and adorable attitude he had the whole day. I smiled, taking his small sentence to heart. I blew him one more kiss, before turning back to my house. I walked up the steps slowly, my heart sinking as I heard the noisy engine of Ashton's truck drive down my street. I got up to my front door, and I stood infront of it for a couple minutes. A nervous feeling was churning in my stomach, and I didn't know why I was filled with so much uneasiness. I don't know...I just don't want anything bad to happen again.
I slowly dug through my bag to find my key, and I eyed the slit in the door. It was as if it was calling out to me, telling me to jam my key into it, and quit being such a fucking coward. I sighed once again, and unlocked the door. I stepped inside my house, and I was actually really surprised at how much the uneasiness spread throughout my body. My eyebrows came together in utter confusion at myself, as I felt my knees begin to feel a little weak.
"Shit," I whispered to myself, leaning up against the door. I stood there for a couple seconds, and my heart was pounding. Fuck, why am I so jittery all of a sudden? Was I nervous or scared? Or was I just overreacting? This is not even that big of a deal! Yet I feel weak in my knees, my stomach felt queezy, and my mind only felt more confused than before.
"Brooke?" I heard my mother's voice from the other room. My eyes widened as I stood up against the door, unable to pick my feet up and walk in there.
"In here," I said back. I waited where I was, as I heard her footsteps get closer. She walked into the living room where I stood, and I was instantly relieved to see she looked better than when I last saw her. Though the bruises along her arms and knees looked faded, the look of fear in here eyes was still there.
"Hey." She said.
"Hi." I replied, sounding more awkward than I was intending to. We both stood in silence, and I watched the way her fingers fidgetted with one another as she looked around the room.
"Um..." her voice trailed off, and she sighed. "How are you?"
"I've been well," I replied. "And you?"
"Better," she said, looking up at me. "Much better."
"That's good, that's good," I said lightly, nodding my head. I was beginning to feel really uncomfortable, which confused me a little. We both went quiet again, and I really wished Ashton was here.
"I'm sorry," My mother broke the silence. "For a lot of things."
"There aren't that many things to be sorry for," I said. "I have a lot of things to appologize for, too."
"No..." her voice trailed off. "I...I don't know, Brooke. If anything, I have way more to appologize for. I know I could've trusted you, and now that I think back on it...I wish I had told you when it all first started happening. When the pain was really starting to get to me...I bet you could've fixed it before it got that bad."
That made me go quiet, and my mind race. What does she mean by 'when it all started happening'? When did everything that my father do to her start? It couldn't be that long, could it?
"Mom," I said slowly. "When exactly did it all start?" I leaned back, folding my arms over my chest to keep my hands from mesing with the hems on my shirt. I looked at her for an answer, but she didn't say anything. She looked hesitant, and her gaze fell from mine. "Mom." I said sternly.
"Not that long," she said quietly. Just above a whisper, actually.
"You're lying." I said harshly. I stepped closer, the look of fear in her eyes making me more worried than before. Another moment of silence followed my words, but I stayed where I was, staring at her and waiting for a reply.
"Three years." Her voice cracked a little. Instantly, I stepped back, my eyes widening and my heart starting to pound. No... Did I hear her wrong?
"Three years?" I breathed, unable to physically talk. My mother nodded, and another emotion began to bubble up inside of me. As we both stood there in silence again, I was in shock. Has to be over exaggerating ...that's absolutely absurd. I was confused on what that new emotion was. But, after a couple moments, I was catching on. It was pure fury.
"Three years?" I snapped, stepping closer to her. "Three years? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Brooke-"
"You've lied to me for three years, mom?" I couldn't control the anger and volume in my voice. I felt the way my breathing was starting to loose it's control, as I stood there in utter shock.
"I didn't lie to you!" my mother said, a little louder than before.
"Oh, really?" I retorted. "It kinda seems like you did!"
"Well I didn't!" She snapped back. "It wasn't that big of a deal-"
"What do you mean?" I said. "Of course it's a big deal! Are you telling me every single time either of you smiled or laughed, it was all fake? For three fucking years?"
"Stop with the language!"
"Answer the goddamn question!" I said through gritted teeth. My temper was starting to get the best of me at this point.
"It wasn't fake," she spat. "It wasn't fake at all, okay?"
"You're rediculous." I said harshly, stepping back from her. I leaned onto one side and crossed my arms over my chest once again. "And you're lying."
"No I'm not-"
"YES YOU ARE!" I yelled. "There's no way in hell that what dad was doing to you for so long didn't make you sad at all. Everytime you seemed fine, I believed you. But, it was all a fucking act-"
"BECAUSE I LET HIM DO IT!" She yelled back. It looked like to me that her temper had once again snapped right in half, with mine already broken. My eyes widened as I looked at her, full of shock and confusion as I started at her. She stepped back, and took a couple deep breaths. "I let him push me around, okay? I let him yell at me, and say mean things to me, and hurt me both physically and emotionally, alright?"
"But why?" I persisted. That makes no fucking sense.
"Because Brooke," my mother sighed. "I love him."
"Love? Or loved?" I asked. There's no way she can love him. Once again, that makes so sense.
"I love him. I love your father, Brooke." My mother said, her voice starting to shake. She was starting to cry, and I could tell I was right behind her.
"That makes no sense!" I yelled.
"Well then that's the crazy thing about love, isn't it?" she retorted. "I just.. csn't help myself from loving him, okay?" We both went quiet again, and I felt like I wanted to puke. My eyes wandered around the room, and I bit down on my tongue so I could think first before I speak.
"How could you love someone that causes you so much pain?" I asked, my voice just above a whisper. My mother opened her mouth, but no words came out. She looked both stumped and shocked by my question, and I was probably the same way.
"Because I do." She said bluntly. "And though we're giving each other some space for a little while, I still love him. And I always will, no matter what you say. But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about, okay? Can we please move onto something else?"
"Fine," I said. As much as I wanted to infact stay on that topic, it made me want to throw up. I stood back, leaning up against the door so I don't lose anymore feeling in my legs. I sighed, and looked at her. "I'm sorry for blowing up at you guys last week."
"It's okay," my mother said softly. "I'm sorry I called you a freak."
"You didn't call me a freak," I pointed out. "You called Ashton a freak. When all he did was try to help you."
"I know, and I appologized to him about that yesterday...I guess now you know why I defended your father. Because I'm scared and in love..." her voice trailed off, and she sighed again. "But I have so much to thank Ashton for.. which I did. I can tell that boy deals with a lot."
"Yeah," I said, shame creeping up on me. "It sucks. Because it's all in his head."
"Geeze," my mother shook her head. "That's not very fair."
"A lot of things aren't fair," I muttered. "I guess that's why we have fear, right?"
"I guess so," my mother shrugged. "Are you gonna stay here?"
"Yeah. I still need you," I said, my tone fading to something a little more softer. "And I love you, and I am sorry about what happened."
"I'm sorry too," she gave me a half smile, before pulling me in for a hug. "We can catch up later, alright?"
"Yeah, definitely." I smiled. We nodded at one another, and I took that as my qeue to go upstairs. I grabbed my bag off the floor, and made no hesitation to head up the big flight of stairs, my knees still weak and my eyes still on the verge of tears. By the time I shut my bedroom door behind me, I began to cry. I didn't know why, but I did. I slumped down on the edge of my bed, and I began to cry silent tears into my hands.
It didn't make any sense. How could anyone...my mother or not...love someone who causes them so much pain? How could someone devote their affection to someone who probably doesn't give a shit about them? How could someone keep all the feelings they have inside, and not talk about the hurt they are caused to anyone? She could've talked to me, for crying out loud. I'm an understanding person, I could've helped her before it all got out of hand. Yet, my mother put up with all the hurt from the man she loves, and I don't think she ever told a single person about it.
"This sucks." I spat. "This is all my fault." I took my face out of my hands, and I looked around the room. That weird feeling came over me again, and it made me think of Ashton. But, thinking of Ashton only made me cry more. I burried my face back into my palms, and I began to sob again.
"I lo-love him," I stuttered, taking in fast breaths. "I love him so mu-uch." I looked around the room, and dug through my bag to get my phone. I took it into my hands, and I let my shaking fingers scroll down until I came to his contact. I layed down on my back, putting the ringing phone up to my ear, praying that he answers. It felt like hours were going by as I sat there, waiting for his beautiful voice to pick up the line.
"Hello?" he finally answered.
"Hi Ashton." I couldn't help the sudden smile on my face, just by hearing his voice.
"Hi Brooke," he chuckled. "How is everything? Everything good?" He sounded pretty concerned, actually.
I was hesitant to answer that one. I know my mother's appology was sincere...and so was mine...but for some reason I still felt empty. But, I didn't want to worry him. Like I just said, there's a lot that goes on in that mind of his, and I don't want to add anything else. "Yeah," I said. "We're good."
"Yay!" his happy tone made me laugh, lifting my sprits up a little as well.
"But don't make this think are sleepovers are going to stop, Ashton Irwin." I laughed, rolling over on my side to grab Ashton's hoodie that layed in the middle of my bed. I wapped my arms around it, hugging the soft material to myself.
"Never!" Ashton giggled. "Our sleepovers will live on. But, I'm happy you settled things."
"Yeah, I'm glad you talked to her yesterday," I said as casually as I could. "Thank you."
"No problem at all," Ashton replied. "I have to go to work now, but I want you to do get a good sleep tonight, okay? I'm just a phone call away."
"I am too," I smiled to myself. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay!" he said happily, which made me chuckle. "Bye Lovey."
"Bye Ash." I said. With that, I hung up my phone, and wished he was here.
...
My eyes slowly opened, but only to reveal total darkness. I had gone to sleep around 10:00, and though my slumber felt short, I would have thought it would be morning by now. I sat up, and tiredly rubbed my eyes. I guess I had just woken up during the night, and I began to wonder how close it was to 6:00. I looked around the room to find my alarm clock, but I didn't see it. I didn't see anything, actually, and my room felt more darker than usual.
"Hi Brooke." I heard a random voice. I whipped my head to the side, gazing along the black abyss.
"Huh?" I said aloud. I pushed the covers off of me, and scooted over to the edge of my bed. "Who's there?" I asked.
"Just the voice in your head." there it was again.
"What?" I asked out.
"You know..that voice you get inside your head when you're scared? I guess we haven't chatted before."
"What...?" I furrowed my eyebrows, utterly confused as to why there was a fucking voice in my head. "Am I dreaming?" I asked.
"I don't know. Are you?"
"I..I don't know, either." I looked around, but I still saw nothing. Everything, was completely dark.
"Well you should know," the voice said. "You should know a lot of things by now."
"What do you mean?" I asked. I was beginning to feel a little scared, and a little confused on whether I was dreaming or not. It seemed real, but so ridiculously fake at the same time. Like, how the fuck can there be another voice in my head besides my own?
"How did you manage to be so oblivious to all the pain?" the voice asked.
"What pain?" I retorted with another question. "I'm fine."
"I wasn't talking about you," it replied. "I was talking about your mother."
"Well sorry," I said, feeling more and more uncomfortable. "I was lied to, okay?"
This is weird. This is really, really weird. I'm literally just talking to myself, and my mind is just playing tricks on me, making me think that I was conversing with another person. But I wasn't. My astonishingly dark room was empty, and I could hear the voice only in my head. But it was so vividly comprehendible...it was starting to scare me. This has to be a dream.
"Well, that must hurt. But I guess you should just get used to that, shouldn't you?"
Get used to that? Get used to what? "Huh?" I asked again.
"The hurt. The fear. You're so fucking scared, you know that?"
"S-scared of w-what?" my voice was starting to shake. If this is a dream...I should really wake up.
"Loosing everything." the voice replied bluntly. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. "You could loose everything in an instant, you know that, right?"
"What are you saying?" I pleaded.
"You know who I'm talking about."
Who. What do they mean by, who? I sat there, silently praying that I wake up from the weird dream soon. I didn't say anything, I just thought. I thought about what this strange voice was saying to me, and why it was happening all of a sudden. But after a couple minutes, my heart began to pound. My everything...my world...
"Please don't say it." I said, my voice barely above a whisper. Their words made me think of Ashton, unfortunately.
"I don't need to say it," the voice laughed. "Because it's true. You could loose him any day now. In fact, he could hate your guts by tomorrow."
"No." I mumbled. "No, you're...you're wrong."
"And just like that, Brooke. You'll be nothing. Nothing more than a girl who's scared, and unable to feel the only warmth she can."
"You're wrong!" I cried out. This isn't a dream. It's a fucking nightmare. "You're so wrong and you need to shut the fuck up!"
"And who's fault will it be? When you hit rock bottom?"
"What...?" I was beginning to shake even more. I felt weak, I felt sick, I felt like I wanted to cry.
"Do the math, Brooke." the voice said. "And figure it out..."
...
My eyes shot open once again, but this time, I let out a gasp as I did so. I sat up, and scrambled to my knees as my eyes shot around the room. I was breathing heavy, I was sweating, and for a moment I had no idea where I was. I recognized my surroundings to be my room, as I was on my bed, glancing around me. It was almost 6:00, and I could see my alarm clock this time, and the faint light that come from outside my window.
"What the fuck?" I breathed, unable to fully speak. I whipped my head around, searching for someone...anyone, but I was alone.
And, more importantly, I was awake. I had been dreaming, and now I heard nothing as I stood here, listening for that eerie voice. But that voice didn't say anything else, now that I was awake. The voice was gone.
The voice was gone, and it left me there. Absolutely speechless.