evan felt bad.
after witnessing jared's small argument with connor murphy, he realised how unnecessarily rude kleinman actually was.
it's not like evan had to stay around him, he just didn't want to leave. he had no other friends and his debilitating social anxiety didn't exactly make it easy to talk to... anyone.
and its not like he didn't care about jared, because he did. most of the time.
jared made evan wonder if it was possible to both like and despise someone at the same time.
jared kleinman was a family friend to the hansens. he was egotistical, rude, and felt the need to be as uncivilised to connor murphy as possible.
jared claimed he only hung around with evan because his parents would pay for his car insurance if he did.
but they were friends, despite jared's protest. and even though jared was relentlessly mean to evan, and claimed all his real friends were his 'camp friends', and had literally eaten a bathbomb before getting fired from his part-time job at lush, evan cared for him.
because evan knew that he was a good guy, under all the of the... asshole-ness.
"dude, don't you think that was uncalled for? he's been through enough, and it's not like he was aggravati-"
"if you love him so much hansen, go suck his dick." jared smiled sarcastically and nonchalantly threw his backpack over his shoulder. evan couldn't help but roll his eyes at his friends poor response, which prompted jared's immediate defence.
"hey! the guy has it coming with his 'i don't give a fuck' attitude and-and he's literally high! in school! all the fucking time. i mean who does that? and let's not forget that..."
evan zoned out as they made their way to their homeroom, and they both took a seat.
there was this nagging at the back of his mind, trying to persuade him to go apologise to connor for his friend's words. he just had to work up the courage to do it.
a million and one scenarios began to fly round his mind, and this throat closed up at the thought of talking to connor, which he'd only done before once. evan had a gift in overthinking.
honestly, evan was kind of scared of connor. not because of his attitude or the way he dressed, or the way he talks to people- but because of a close encounter that had happened around 6 months ago.
as an assignment from his therapist, he had to write letters to himself talking about how he felt. his mom, heidi, had interminably encouraged him to write these letters, but he didn't know what to write.
he found talking to his therapist uncomfortable because he felt his feelings were private. his palms would get sweaty and he'd stutter and blush and he'd not know what to say and everything would be quiet except the ticking of the clock and the scribbling of his pen and the walls would feel like they were closing in and-
he thought maybe, letters would be easier.
at the time, evan had a crush on connor's sister zoe. he made sure to include that in the letter, since everything else he'd written had been hopelessly depressing.
and to quote what he said, "All hope is pinned on Zoe."
connor found said letter when evan had to print it out at school. he just assumed it was intended to hurt him, it wasn't. evan was mortified when he found it. connor threw him to the ground, where evan didn't movey for ten solid minutes, absolutely petrified of what murphy would do.
that had been the first time evan had ever had any sort of contact with connor, despite being in the same class for years.
the second time was a week later, when evan once said, "here, i-i'm sorry abo- well you..." and shoved a crumpled up letter explaining why he'd said what he'd said in to connor's hand.
they hadn't spoken since.
without warning, evan threw himself out of his seat, blushing when his foot got caught on his chair leg and he almost tripped. he caught himself just in time and left jared talking to himself about a kid evan was determined to apologise to.
"-and he gets all protective over zoe when he probably- hey, where are you going?"
he ignored jared and shuffled out of the room.
so, he had 10 minutes before lessons began. that gave him around 5 minutes to actually find connor. in that 5 minutes he had to figure out what to say. 3 minutes to apologise. 2 minutes to get back to class.
he went in the direction connor had gone, when jared had been interrogating him.
all the while, he was constructing the perfect apology in his mind. he repeated in his mind, begging himself not to stutter.
he made his way down the corridor, connor nowhere to be seen. so he went out the door that led to the back of the school.
and there was, crouched on the floor against the wall, connor murphy. he looked extremely uncomfortable and upset, smoking something that was very likely weed.
"u-uh, um- connor?"
he didn't respond, his gaze remained ahead.
"i-i- uh-" evan completely forgot what he'd rehearsed and he felt his chest tighten. connor turned to face him, the whites of his eyes tinged red and his pupils dilated. evan felt intimidated under his gaze.
he took a deep breath in. "j-jared was so rude back there, and- and i know i didn't do anyth- like i should have but... not like make fun of you, or anything, like stop jared, but he was rude and i didn't like do- but like i still- i wanna apologise because- it was kinda bad that i- i mean- jared! it was bad what he said and i just..."
and evan trailed off till what he was saying became incomprehensible.
connor let out a dry laugh. evan stared at his shoes, longing for the world to just swallow him up. the redness in his face didn't subside, "it's whatever. you need to stop freaking out, didn't breathe once in that sentence."
"sorry."
"and you need to stop apologising. you didn't do anything."
"sor- okay."
"you want to say it again, don't you?"
"very much so, yes." connor then let out a more genuine laugh, throwing his head back.
there was silence.
"i read your letter the other day." a mix of bewilderment and confusion appeared on evan's face, and he opened his mouth to say something, but closed it immediately afterwards, not knowing how to respond.
perhaps reading evan's mind, connor clarified, "the letter you gave me after i pushed you over. i didn't read it till like, 4 days ago."
"oh."
"it's okay, i don't care that you like zoe, it was ju-"
"i don't like her anymore. i mean, not that she isn't great, because she is, i just mean- i don't like like her anymore. if you get what i mean." and evan wasn't lying. he thanked wikihow for the article on 'how to accept that your crush doesn't like you' for that.
now it was connor's turn to say, "oh."
silence once more lead to evan zoning out and being hypnotised by the curling smoke from the joint in connor's hand, the cloud dispersing as it rose.
"you want some?"
"huh?" he snapped out of his trance, and his brain moved sluggishly as he realised what connor meant, "oh go-god, no! i mean- no thanks."
connor shrugged, choosing not to over-analyse evan's answer and simply responded, "suit yourself."
the quiet was almost choking evan. should he leave? what should he say? is the conversation over?
"you should sit."
"but, uh, we have class."
"who cares, hansen? never skipped before?"
"well, uh, one- one time i, i uh lost my spanish homework? so i didn't go to -"
connor laughed again, but this time evan felt comfortable enough to join in.
"you look nice when you smile," evan blurted out, before his brain caught up with his voice and he smacked both his hands over his mouth. he muffled something behind his hands, his face bright red.
he removed his hands slowly and whispered, "i'm so sorry, i didn't mean it like, i mean you always look nice, but l-like- i mean, not like that- just meant like, oh my god, i'm so sorry." if evan had the courage to make eye contact, evan would have seen that connor was still smiling.
"thank you. come on, sit."
and hesitantly, he did.