I feel like a chicken.
We're both pushed by the butt of Amir's gun to the middle of the nowhere. Amir has so much power over us, within the gun that most likely killed Tina and here I am; whimpering like a chicken before it dies.
Amir smiles at us, dust swirling up at his feet as his yellow teeth gleam in the light. "Amir, if you're going to kill me, just remember that I've left colgate in my will for you. You definitely need it," I comment, causing Matsya to smile before Amir glares at her.
"Don't worry. You'll need it to wipe all the blood off your teeth after I'm done with you," Amir snaps, pushing me onto the floor. I hear my name being called from Matsya before I tumble onto the floor with my hands scattered everywhere. I scramble to face Amir, my butt firmly placed on the floor as Amir points the gun to me.
Oh God.
There's dirt on my hands, reminder of the rain that downpoured a few days ago. From the way a few angry clouds loom over, it was certain that it'll rain again. Amir picked the perfect date to kill someone -- the blood will be washed away into the cracks of this earth.
I lick my lips, all the newfound confidence disappearing as my heart drums with each second. I watch Amir, my eyes settling on the edges of his smile, the confidence he holds in his broad shoulders and muscles, and the small black necklace around his neck. It clings to his skin, along with his olive shirt. There's smears of dirt on it, something from weeks ago.
Matsya besides him looks more terrified than I have ever in my life. In her eyes, I could already see my fate. She knows I'm going to die, and she knows that she can't do anything to help me.
I'll die a coward, in the middle of no where even when my best friend sacrificed her life for me.
I hear doors slamming and people shouting to each other as they walk closer. My eyes don't move to scan Amir's gang walking closer and instead, I stare at the gun and wonder what did Tina see in her last moments. My heart starts to thud.
She sacrificed her life for nothing. I'm going to die.
The gun clicks, just as Matsya starts to move. She's trying to pull out of his reach, attempting but failing at flinging herself at me like it'll save me from Amir's wrath. Amir's hands tighten aroud her wrists, turning the brown a red as he pulls her closer to him instead of me.
He whispers something in her ear, and her face turns paler at the mention of it. She looks like she's going to hurl and then she looks at me with desperation rooted in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry," she mouths, tears forming in her eyes as she closes her eyes. My heart starts to melt, breaking apart as I realise I was Matsya's last hope at a better life. At being away from Amir, guns and being another name for fear. Within the pull of Amir's gun, she'll return to being Amir's doll that has nothing besides guns and a black heart.
I was her hope for happier days . . . and now, on top of her parents' deaths, she blames herself for my soon to be death.
"Any last words?" Amir asks, sighing as if this is a huge waste of his time. The way his lips tug upwards proves his sigh wrong however; deep inside, he was enjoying the show. He's enjoying Matsya squirms, how her arms tug away from him and the tears that refuse to fall out of her eyes. The tears that pool in the jail of her thoughts.
"Why are you toturing Matsya?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper. I repeat it again, broadening my shoulders. "Why are you torturing Matsya?"
Amir raises an eyebrow at the question, his eyes narrowing onto me with newfound curiosity. "She didn't follow rules. She's simply paying the price," Amir coldly explains, his tone a bored monotone. "If it wasn't for our relationship, she would've been besides you. I'm giving her a chance to redeem herself after your death."
Why does he sound and smile as if bringing pain to the one he apparently loves the most is amusing? How can he says meaningless sentences like that, when we all know they're simply lies?
"Would you give her happiness?"
I didn't think before saying it aloud, causing Amir to shoot me a sharp glare, that reminds me of freezing cold ice water. There's something crisp, something sharp about it that sends me back into a memory of Tina pushing me into water at six am, when we were fifteen. The only difference is that there's no laughter after it, nothing but the hollow sound of your ears plunging into water.
I grit my teeth, determined to ignore the pang in my heart. "I'll give Matsya her life, more than you can offer at the moment," Amir snaps, shoving Matsya away from him. She starts to tumble, until she gets own footing and watches us both as of she's in a daze.
The gun moves higher, aiming right at me. All I can hear is the beating of my heart, the constant drumming and then, a yell. "Amir!" Matsya yells, going against her fate for the first time today. All I see is a flash of her brown hair as she pushes Amir and then everything becomes a blur.
A loud bang. It's louder than any firecracker I've heard, and it's nothing less than a mini explosion.
My arm burns, and my hand instinctly goes there. A touch leads to my eyes falling to my bleeding arm, the burnt fabric of my shirt and a horrible throb in my arm. It's so awful that I can barely feel my arm and I find myself falling to the floor on my knees.
I look up. Matsya . . . Amir is yelling at her. I don't know to how long he has been. From the way the gun is lying idle on the floor, I guess Matsya must've pushed him out of the way. I could hear her voice, I could hear her yelling at Amir but above the pain and screams, all I could feel love surging through me.
A small smile plays on my lips, a sign of the pride that moves with my bloodstream. I'm so proud of Matsya facing her demon, of her screaming and doing everything she can to protect me and herself even when she's so afraid. I'm so proud of her for overcoming her fear, and I'm so in love with the way the wind blows black strands across her face and how she allows it to float freely along with all her truths.
It's strange. I don't feel afraid, and someone who was previously known as fear has become afraid for me. Even Amir himself, is terrified of the idea that Matsya would leave him to the point where he would follow and block all the highways that would let us free. He's afraid of people challenging and standing up to his authority.
And Matsya, she's never became close to someone besides me in the fear that they'll die like her parents did or change completely like Amir did. That she'll have to burry them -- or worse, watch them change into a different person completely. Her talking to me itself was a way of overcoming her phobia, and now, arguing with Amir is her fighting her destiny of dead loved ones.
I think we all have fears and roots of that fear. My fear has been everything. Once, the safety of everything was stolen away in a moment of my confession. People like my parent who I assumed would always love me, had left me sleeping on benches and eating nothing but McDonald's on good days (bad days meant no food) until Diego had found out a gave me a home.
After that, nothing was ever safe again. Routine could easily be broken, things that were in everyday life is easily threatened by a small spider bite or a threaten to be fired by your boss -- and I didn't ever want to be sleeping on a cold bench on winter mornings again. I would've rather spent the rest of my life overanalyzing and keeping to safe zones if not for Matsya; the biggest change of my life.
Matsya.
I think I'm falling in love with the rawity of Matsya. My eyes watch her carefully, my heart leaping with pride as the bottled up anger that has been sitting in her stomach for so long burns Amir. I try to will my weak legs back into movement and command them to stand up. Instead of standing, I stumble and I start to fall to the ground as a deafening gunshot is heard again.
All I can see is the sky.
There's cloud up above. Matsya's heels are hitting the floor, kicking up dust. "Nirvaan!" she says, snapping me out of my blurry mindset. She's in my vision now, her hair falling towards me, her eyebrows creased together as every single moment of fear peels away. There's nothing left within me besides love.
"I think I love you, Matsya," I whisper, the last act of bravery I am convinced that I will ever do. A small smile appears on her face, a smile so bright that it doesn't flatter even with the teardrops that slowly fall to the ground.
"You choose the best times to admit that, mera darpok," she says, causing me to laugh," but I think I love you too."
My heart beams with unknown happiness. I'm soaring with it, and no matter how much danger is surrounding me, I'm at peace. Nothing could erase the smile off my face, even as my vision slowly fades away. In those seconds where I stuggle to stay awake, I see Matsya being dragged by Amir's men backwards and her loud words.
I watch her, settled in a trance as I fade away. She's the bright light, a reason to fight for; the reason why at this very moment I'm attempting to keep my eyes open and my mind away from the throb of my arm. Everything about her keeps me locked in a trance, from the way her hair flips in the air as she tries to watch me, the worry ceased in her eyebrows, the small upturn of her lips at the sight of my smile . . . I could go on and on about her. She'll make me into a poet, and I'll spend the rest of my days talking about the amazement that loves me just as much as I love her. If I could, I'll spend the rest of my life in this moment of joy radiating off my bones, of my eyes solely locked on Matsya's in a trance and the unshakeable courage in my heart.
But like all trances, mine comes to an end as well with my eyes closing shut.
□
How was the chappy?
We hit 600 votes!!!
Note how i said 'we' rather than 'i'. You guys helped me with this book so much, through voting and constantly commenting feedback and love! I'm so happy about the response this book got -- which is huge for my small account and i just get so so happy when i see people telling me that i inspire them to write about social issues and darker books. It means the world to me that my stories are changing people's lives -- even if it is small things like adding a LBGT+ character, writing about sexism or just writing a more darker and realistic books.
And, nothing tops the happiness i get when people comment about how much they love my stories and how they cannot wait to the next chapter. It just makes my heart warm every time people get excited for each one of my chapters and your small comments like 'eeek you updated!!!" makes my day. I just find it so amazing that i can bring happiness to someone through a small hobby of mine.
It's almost been a year since i've published the first chapter -- which is goddamn amazing. The Trance family has constantly been growing and idk man i'm so happy to have so many commenters and so many people constantly encourgaging me!! I sometimes wonder how on earth was i blessed with such amazing people honestly ♡
Love you all tbh
- maya
PS: shoutout to Anaika_18 for being the 600th voter!