Kanak, here's your dedication dear. Thanks for the suggestion and hope you're happy with my justification.
*-&-*
11
CONFRONTATION WITH MY SCARS
Ria's P.O.V:-
I had recently brought myself a book from flipkart namely, "Thanks for the memories" by Cecila Ahern. I was unpacking my luggage and setting it up in the place that Sid had shown me to place them to. When, I was busy working on that with bhabhi sitting beside, trying to help me out while mummyji and papa enjoying their daily dose of afternoon nap, bhabhi found this book and was intrigued by it. So, as it all came by I had to explain her the basic story-line of the book eventhough I had hardly flipped through ten odd pages.
Okay, here I really nedd to confess this fact that I always have this habit to Google the basic outline of the story and then only sit and read the book itself. So, even if I have not finished reading the book I know what it's all about.
In the meanwhile, the time that i have spent with bhabhi, I learnt a certain things about her. It seems that she was a B. E. (E.C.E.) student (Electronics, communication and engineering) and had worked in T.C.S ( Tata Consultancy Services ) Bangalore, before giving birth to Akanhsha. But later dropped out of the job just as to spend more time with her baby and family. The pretty interesting story is that theirs was a typical office romance. Bhabhi had been a fresher and recruited straight from her campus interview into the software department where she was put up as the programme officer who had to supervise all the programming datas. Bhaiya was her ever friendly boss to whom she had to resort to as she had no basic idea in programming and whatsoever. What started out as a basic generous, friendly, companionship soon blossomed into a cute romance added with a great chemistry. But they seemed to have waited for that special wedding night to consummate and thus methodically got everyone's permission to get married. That getting permission period was the most tiring, testing and tricking period for their love but it eventually survived as theirs was not just attraction but love. The fairy-tale love that everyone yearns for and that I envy her for receiving( touch-wood again).
One point has to be clearly understood by me and that is that everyone has their own special recipe to find love. They have undergo a special journey of fights, struggles, confusion, commotion, chemistry, passion, romance and ultimately reach that stage of undying love. None can follow other's recipe. This is the lesson that I got from reading all those romantic tale and also listening to few real life love stories like bhabhi's. So, today I seem to have decided this one thing that I'm going in flow forgetting about reality and consequences to follow. Because I so desperately want to find that love is this is vaguely similar to the soul-calling dream that I seem to have ignored.
I now vivdly remember my first soul-calling, that to become a full-time writer that I'm now. I had this urging dream to start ever since the day my English teacher called me up to appreciate my piece of writing. I knew that I wanted to become a write. Lack of proper plot, guideline, self-confidence and abundance of fears, self-doubt of my dream not being a practical one never allowed me to write more than few pages or so. Eventually, I started writing lots of non-fiction but never stopped writting. I wrote things in bits and pieces and at the end of my three year graduation course, on the day of my project presentation, I took this topic, " A life of an Aspiring writer". I prepared a basic fiction based on my own first-hand experiences, also by explaining the nuances of writing, history of writing, literature and all that that I have learnt. Almost all in the class knew my passion for writing and so my H.O.D called me to tell me that I better start writing and if I had finished my first novel till date then she and my other staffs would review it and send it in for the publishers they knew. Voila! I did have my first draft ready, but showing it to my teachers means, it had to be perfect. So, I went through the process of editing and proof-reading. It took me a good three months time and till then we were done with our semester exams and the results too were out. I had topped my exam again and my teachers were elated. I sent the final draft to dad and then sent the draft to my H.O.D. They all were shocked was an understatement.
Both dad and my teachers loved my theme and writing style but they had many more suggestion to the writing, vocabulary and somethings found a few plot defect and corrected it. It was that day that I felt so happy for choosing literature. My dad had sent the draft to certain publishers but rejection was only to be faced and then one of my teacher sent it to her publisher and they were so impressed by her presentation and vote of confidence that they accepted to publish.
After that everything became a history and am I only because of that. I learnt a simple lesson that nothing comes to us that easily. Hard-work, determination and persuasion were the keys to success. But more than this just as Plato once stated, " Patience is the best remedy to all troubles." I remind myself daily of this tale above that happened in my life to understand that nothing comes to us easily. I also had a defect that my general fears, self-doubt and my usual habit to not let myself along the tide always stopped me from following my soul-calling.
But why am I recalling this here?
Yes, I know it, bhabhi's love story made me realize a thing that just like my passion for writing I had been holding back my passion to find that love in Sid and my marriage.
It acted like the encouragement and persuasion from my H.O.D and other staffs. Now I know my definite purpose in life. Just like, Flynn Rider or Eugene of "Tangled" states, " When you achieve the dream you get the freedom to persue another dream." This arranged marriage is maybe my "New dream." Who knows?
So, back to the point where I started, I explained Bhabhi about the story.
@
It was the story of Joyce Conway, a person who had lost her baby as well as her marriage due to it. The loss makes her understand that she had been withstanding a love-less mariage of ten years. She takes the toughest decision to seperate from her husband. She decides to stay at her father's place and that's where the miracle happens. She remembers things that she shouldn't. Or should I say, she has never ever learnt or heard of. And guess what? She had to have a blood tranfusion due to her miscarriage and she seems to have developed this connection with her supposed donor Mr. Justin Hitchcock, an art professor, curator, art-reviwer and what not?Justin has his own set of problems and feel of connection to support this unique journey of finding their deep soul-connection.
@
" Now, while the above is the story-line of this book, I deeply recommend this book to to those who are hopeless romantic just like me. As who just look out for a cte, feel good romantic story leaving behind the contrictions that brought them together." I told her in a movie-reviewer voice and rated this book four stars out of five. As soon as I finished this little speech of mine, we both burst out laughing, more or liked gigling.
*
After those long hours of unpacking my luggages, mocking my range of wadrobe collections, reviewing my whole new bag of book collections, going through bhabhi and mine childhood gossips and fun, we were done with arranging my wadrobe ready. After that she went to her telling me that she was off to get Akanshi back from play-school and then they both would be off to a nap for hours together.
I nodded and cuddled back in the bed with "Thanks For Memories" book in hand. I was still wearing the same saree and as I didn't find the weather too cold for the day I went against my rule of covering myself up till my neck. Also, the point being that none was supposed to be around, so who cares as how my dresses fly here and there as there's gonna be none to see what state I had crawled myself in. Basically, I set my cover-up-till-neck-with-bedspreads rule only to prevent from embrassing myself with my dresses sprawled up to thigh or whatsover when I sleep or in laid back position.
The story was written in simple, easy to understand without straining myself with over concentartion. As I was an avid reader, I read pages faster and the storyline dwelled more deeper. Joyce, the female protagonist had lost her baby, had her transfusion and finally was starting to feel that connection. That had met at salon, missed each other at various situation and finally through some connections she had gone all her way to London to go attend a balley that Justin's daughter attended. She was lost in her thoughts when her leprecheaun father, talked about how one must go with the flow of life and not question the twists and turn of events of life.
"In my days something just was. None of this analysis a hundred times over. None of these college courses with people graduating with degrees in Whys and Hows and Becauses.[...]"
"[...] All kinds of what-have-yous in here tonight, but all of them want to see that fella in tights end up with that swan girl, so she'll be able to get out of that lake.Only with the love of one who has never loved before, can the spell be broken. Why? No. She's going to say thank you because then she can move on and wear nice dresses and go for walks, instead of having to peck at soggy bread in a stinky lake everyday for the rest of her life."
The above two excerpts kept my mind racing with thought at thousand miles per second. I've always been a person who doesn't read stories just like it, I try to analys certain things and learnt something or the other out of it. I feel that way becaus even my fiction are just not stories to me, they are a medium of communication with which I can reach my reader and convey all my thoughts to them. To make them learn certain point, change mindsets and so I know the point that the author, Cecila Aherns wants to convey through this.
This point here was so similar to the situation that I was particularly placed in. Eventhough, Sid's past relationship status with Seema irked me a lot, I still feel that he's the best gift that I have ever been gifted with. Such loving, considerate, affectionate person that I feel strong emotions of doing anything to make him smile or be happy makes me confused. I had such feelings only for my mother as I have been able to endure any kind of absurd amount of pain just in the knowledge that enduring such pain would give her happiness. I was ready to do such things for her, for the amount of love, care and the time that she spent to make our bond stay strong and tight. Sid was very much the same.
There's a saying that I have always been taught that it's stated that if you open the holy book of "Ramayana" with pure heart filled with innumerous questions then you're supposed to recieve answers to those questions through the texts. This moment vaugely felt so.
Is God just trying to make me realize that it's finally time to let go of my analysis and just utter a simple thank you for all that I recieve---?
"What a pleasing sight to see?"
I sprang out of my bed as soon as I heard that all time familiar voice. Yes, that's the best way to express what I did. I held my book at my heart, one hand pulling my saree down to ankle which had sprung up to slightly below knee-level, again the same hand adjusting my saree pallu so that none of my waist is shown and well, my eyes staring at the source of the voive---SID.
As if, if I just continue staring the image of Sid would disapper magically. Within seconds of my intial reaction I had understood that Sid was standing all for real.
Really, think of the devil and here comes he!!!
"So, you're back!!!" Thank you for all that you've done to me till date.
My mind itched to utter the later part but later went against it as I thought that saying aloud might make it seem a little sarcastic.
"What?" He asked with an amused grin while sitting down on the study chair and bending down to pull away and remove the socks," You thought that you could keep me away all day long and you just could get lost in the fictious world of yours?"
Now did I?
Maybe, yes. Yes, yes, yes, that could be nice. Keeping Sid away from home all day long. No weird sensation, no worries!! But won't I feel lonely? Miss his teasing and miss me teasing him? Aft5er all we seem to have created a nice bond between us. But just don't ask the name of that bond. Friendship, yeah, that's there!! Love, obviously not!! But can there be-----?
"Hey, that was a joke stupid."
I nodded numbly. Maybe viewing my serious expressions he might have added it. I view up to see that he had removed his socks, placed his stetescope, books etc on table and was heading towards the bathroom with only his pants on and his shirt discarded on the way.
Really, meeting a half-naked man who's neither your father nor the lousy neighbour sneaking with just a lungi was a peculiar sight to see. It was making me get uncomforatable and those broad, lean but filled with muscles at place where it was quite needed didn't help the situation either. Sid was considerate and if something bottered me I'm sure he'll not dare to do it and be understanding. So, it'd be better if I tell him right away. But hesitation was there inside me.
"Er.. Sid" His head whipped to myself almost immediately.
"Yes?"
"Hmm, let me just say that I'm not comfortable with you being half-naked."
See, there, I just told it. That's it. I was teaching my racing heart to bring it's pace back to normal by taking deep, slow breaths when I witnessed a very boyish, mischeivious grin making it's way on Sid's face.
"So, does that mean that you like what you're seeing?" He teased.
"Huh?" I was blinking caught off-guard by such questin as this.
He just shook his head and continued to head towards the bathroom. Oh, his audacity to such thing as this. Dr. Sharma, let me just tell you it's not good to infuriate Ria rangarajan, even if it's for fun.
I was waiting and watching the bathroom door like a hawk watching for his prey. The moment he steps out, I'm sure I'll tear him up into pieces. Did he really just make fun of me? See, Sid you are so death.
Well, our room was peculiarly arranged in the following manner. A door led to the room whose opposite was a large two-bedded cot, to it's right a study table, diagonally opposite to study table is bathroom. On the wall opposit the bed is a Philips LED 21 inches Tv situated, to the left are a small bedside lamp with table and further left are two cupboards situated to the wall next to each other.
So, my point here from where I was seated, the bathroom door was clearly in vision.
After some agonising ten minutes the door finally opened and my prey was out and here starts my leash.
" How dare you tease me so? YOU DUM-WITTED BOY, I SO fucking HATE YOU!!! NONE DARES TO TEASE ME.."
"NOW sSTOP WILL YOU? Calm down, I say." He came closer and closer until he finally held me by my shoulders but that did nothing to calm me instead helped to fasten my heartbeats and the feelings hidden beneath.
Was I the swan princess that needed to be rescued by the love of one who has never loved?
Was this my story of reaching my prince?
Was he the redeemer of me from all the troubles and confusions that I've lead my heart through?
None knew the answer, neither him nor me! But my heart refused to listen to my mind for once. It's finally ready to break itself free from the logical thinking that my brain induced me to go through.
"All this caution to keep my heart safe, only led to more heartaches", decided my heart. "Today, I'm ready to let myself free! If you're my love then reach me." my heart bravely called out for his.
His eyes were boring into mine with concern etched in them for me. Maybe, just maybe, he might be my knight in shinning armour. It's fine, I've taken care of people for years and now I might need someone to take care of me too. I might need him! Yes, yes, I might need him to take care of me, tease me, taunt me and finally to love me unconditionally.
Sid is capable of all this and as far as the answers to the questions are concerned, ONLY TIME WILL TELL. Till then why not enjoy and basket this moment of joy, love and warmth.
A smile spread over my face, as my logical brain had lost it's control over me and my warm, loving heart has taken it's place. The poet, the lover in me is back as the walls built by that catious, lofival mind is broken apart today. Yes, yes, yes, today is my day of new birth. The demons of vanity, graceful and all those years of rigid training of turning a fragile, young, happy, chirpy, innocent girl into a matter of wife material all thrown away. I'm happy today and I'm free! All those struggles that I had undergone till that to transform myself back into that little girl who was happy and chirpy had gone waste. But, after meeting Sid I was able to restore her back little by little reason he had accepted me just as I was. Now, it's my turn to accept him just as he is, without any exception or exception.
At some point of my yelling and Sid's firm hands on my shoulder, I had really fallent silent. Too silent, for my own liking as my mind had gone into a state of rapid thinking. He never once took his eyes out of me, those dark brown chocolate eyes string mine with the same amount of affection and concern. I don't know what overcame me but I hugged him, hugged him tight to death. I felt that this gesture would be much better than saying those magical words, "Thank You". He was hestitant for some time, as I could feel his body go numb around me. They showed no motion but within seond I felt his arms snake around my back. I was happy then, grinning ear to ear but my eyes had a function of their own. They shed tears but whether they were of joy of attaining freedom or the sorrow of not able to accept this man with the heart of gold before me, I know not.
I have always been a person who has been rebellious through out. If they say this is right, they I'd ask, "Why so?" I suppose the same is the case. I know that the man in my arms is my Mr. Right? But again my rebellious, fierce heart asks this question ," Why so?" again!
With such a heart staying safe and intact within me, the reason of the scars I obtained throughout life is easily understandable. Because taming such soul is difficult and evn if tamed the end-product would be like me the one with undetermined scars that needs abundant amount of love and affection to heal it. My healer with the medicines prescribed is standing before me, I suppose.
Sid suddenly pulled me at arms length to examine my face. My eyes travelled to the mascara filled blots that my tears had left on his t-shirt.
"You are crying?" he asked with disbelief shimmering in eyes, " I'm sorry, I never taught that my teasing could make you so vulnerable that you'd weep in my shoulders. NEVER!"
So, finally the time to tell him the truth about my scars had come.
"Thank You, Sid. For everthing that you've done till date." I paused and looked up in his eyes, " The tears have got nothing to do with you teasing me. I was just fake wailing, when I realized something." His eyes held a question within them. I knew them I nodded. "You might be confused. It's fair and okay. Would you fancy a cup of coffee with me and dare I say it's my treat!" I laughed a hearty laugh and relectantly he joined me in the laughter session that went on for mintues that seemed hours in a good way.
I reluctantly got up from the bed and moved towards the mirror to find my hair in a totally messed up way. I knew that my lousy "me" time would have such a toll on me.
" Now, Sid get ready, so that we can inform mummyji and others and then go out." I replied while trying to fix my hair in a messy get good look loose bun.
Sid just nodded maybe still not able to warp his head about my bi-polaric mood swings which I'm sure he needs to get used to if he plans to stay with me any longer than usual!
Soon we were on our way to the coffee shop nearby which happened to be in the hospital where Sid works. He told me that it would be better, if we had there given I'd be given a chance to meet his colleages even. I had to agree to it!!
We reached the coffee shop and reached a secluded place. I had made him to accept the fact that I'd meet anybody only after discussing with him. He agreed, eventually!
I ordered a very peculiar ice-cream filled drink whose name even didn't get registered in my head but all that got in my brain was that delicious, yummy image of the drink. It seems they had introduced it for the ongoing IPL session and obviously I choose that yellow drink made with mango juice, smootie and icecream which represents my favourite team, Chennai Super Kings. Sid just as always stick with some usual latte' drink that he likes.
We were awkwardly staring at each other. His expression mirrored that of confusion.
"Sid, I understand your confusion. Even I would have been if someone so mood changing as me who was crying a second later ask a coffee date then. But I promise not to beat the bush, let me get to the point.It's just that I am little confused as from where should I start."
Sid nodded in understanding and waited for me to continue. I took a deep breath and then said, " Why did you have to pop into my life when I had perfectly decided to put my wild teenage days at rest and move ahead with whatever I had become?"
Now Sid was confused beyond repair and our drinks arrived at this point of time.
"You were friendly, communicate and understanding in nature that once again made to resurface all the questions that I had regarding my originality and love. I spent my wild teenager days in search of answers to these questions to ultimately give up. You made cry, laugh, mischievous, emotional and all those natures that my family members tried their level best to change or erase. They wanted to make me like one of those typical girls that I never was. I was too tom-boyish in nature to confide to.Ultimately it left a scar on my conscience forever. Now, I am broken, Sid, broken forever. I tried to fix them but learnt that only your love, care and considerate affection could only mend. Can you help me to find myself? I more like a lost puppy, will help me navigate my path?"
Without any hesitation or delay, Sid replied with an ultimate eagerness," I will take care of you. No worries for you from now, okay?"
" Thanks, Sid."
"Sid" a high pitched woman's voice bloomed through the room, " So, how are you?" She cane pulled Sid and hugged him straight at my face. I was damn sure she knew that I was all there. Because that woman was none other than notorious, infamous, Seema herself smirking at me, as soon as I met her face.
Sid just froze to ground.
Good, me and Sid had just taken a step ahead and see we were back to square one.
Hmm, this surely is going to be a long date!!
Here, I was to forget about their past relationship and see here she's rubbing it on my face. This woman surely is very ..... Hmm....competitive. Let me see what to do? A confusion to add on to my already existent load... Huh, destiny surely has its own way of finding us. I thought sarcastically.
*-*-&-*-*
Hmm, see I have finally published this chapter. Sorry had one major writers block regarding the flow of this story. Many things have happened that I have never imagined. I had imagined that Ria would never forgive Sid and continue to fume but here she had forgiven him. Ria had to navigate me through the flow and that took quite sometime.
Some of you feel there's a lack of romance. But I always feel that love must overpower attraction and not other way round. They both are confused and aren't sure about their own feelings and at this stage have developed mutual respect for each other to impose their attractions. So, kiss, romance and the much awaited consummation of their marriage will occur only when they are atleadt clear of their confusions that they have created among themselves. But Kanak (if I remember your name right) your comment made me think a lot.
Much drama and action are to follow and I promise to that I will try to write more and better.
By the way, I also want to inform you all that I have seriously started to write the first draft of the novel that I wish to have published one day. That's consuming most of my time along with my mudane college routine. Exams are fast approaching and this semester's theme of Indian English Literature is helping me understand lot about the field that I want to contribute to.
Thanks for all your interests to read, vote and send me lovely comments that makes my day. Hope you are happy with the flow of the story. Send your comments and suggestions fast. Enjoy, till then bye!!! 😉