Chapter Seventeen: Hope for the Hopeless
*~*~*~*
"Derek, just the guy I wanted to see." I grinned as I caught up to Derek in the hallway.
"Oh, boy." He sighed.
"Oh, boy?" I raised a brow at him. "What's the for?"
"Well you haven't been talking to me much. Then I found out that you requested to be on my service today and now you seem all excited to see me." He pointed out. "That makes me think you want something. So what is it?"
"Has any ever complimented you on your amazing manners?" I asked sarcastically.
"Beth, hey, I didn't realize you were on Derek's service today." Lexie offered me a smile as she joined us, walking on Derek's right side while I was on his left.
"Technically it's a peds case so why not?" I shrugged as we reached the room, finding a middle-aged woman standing outside the room, looking inside at the boy.
"Dr. Shepherd." She smiled at Derek, shaking his hand once we reached her.
"Ms. Conners, I wanted to let you know that I looked over Wes' scans." Derek informed her. "His neuroblastoma is more complicated than most I've seen. It's very rare that someone his age-"
"They're mostly in younger kids, I know." Ms. Conners cut his short with a nod of her head.
"It's in a very large region of his spine." Derek continued. "There is the very likely risk of paralysis-"
"From his upper body down." She finished for him, glancing through the window at her son. "There's also the risk of death, a death that he is gonna meet in three months anyway if you don't do this surgery. I understand the risks, Dr. Shepherd. The surgeon in- in Boston compared it to dismantling a bomb with your eyes closed, and the one in Chicago said it was patching a dam with gum. You're the ninth surgeon I've talked to. So what I want to know is, are you gonna say anything different, or do I have to take my kid somewhere else?"
"There is only a five percent chance of success. Maybe a little less." Derek told her. "Yes, if you're willing, I'll try. Okay. Should I go tell Wes?"
"Wait. Um..." Ms. Conners stopped him before he could go in Wes' room. "There's something else. He- He doesn't know about his tumor. He's eleven, a young eleven, and knowing that he's very likely gonna die is not something that's gonna do him any good."
"Wh- Why does he think he's here?" I asked.
"A backache. A very bad backache." She admitted.
*~*~*~*
"Fort Ticonderoga is probably my favorite." Wes told us as Derek gave him a checkup. "It's not giant like Gettysburg or famous like the Alamo."
"You feel any pain here, Wes?" Derek asked as he used a little hammer to tap the inside of Wes' elbows.
"A little." Wes shrugged before continuing with what he was talking about. "Still, it was a really important fort. It changed hands a bunch of times in just a few years. Benedict Arnold even fought there."
"He's got a thing about battlefields." Ms. Conners stated the obvious.
"I wish my son was that interested about stuff like that." I chuckled. "He's your age, Wes, but he hates his history class."
"My mom says I get it from my dad. He died when I was two." Wes told us as Derek moved down to his legs. "We've gone to eighteen battlefields in the past year."
"We homeschool because of the back pain." Ms. Conners interjected.
"It's so cool." Wes grinned. "I wake up, and we get to decide what I do that day. Next week, we're going to Pearl Harbor. That way, my mom can have a beach vacation, too."
"Actually, Wes, we may be postponing Hawaii." Ms. Conners told her son. "Dr. Shepherd thinks he might be able to fix your back."
"Really?" Wes looked at Derek with a hopeful look in his eyes. "Then I won't have these aches anymore?"
"Well, that's the plan." Derek nodded.
*~*~*~*
"Did the tumor grow more?" Wes asked Lexie and I as we helped him back into his wheelchair after CT. His question made us both stop and look at each other, surprised.
"What did you say?" Lexie asked him.
"I know what I have." He told us. "I overheard some doctors talking about it at the last hospital."
"Does your mom know that you know?" I frowned.
"No. She'd just freak out." He shook his head.
"She's your mom. She needs to know." I crouched down in front of him, resting my hand on his knee.
"She cries in the bathroom. She cries at night. She cries in the morning when she thinks I'm not awake yet." He told us, his voice soft. "She cries all the time. And the only thing that makes her happy is to think that I don't know. But you can't tell her. If I'm happy, she's happy."
"I promise. I won't tell." I promised him. "Neither of us will."
"You're not lying?" His brows furrowed, clearly not sure if he should believe me.
"I'm not lying." I pushed myself back up to my feet and walked around to grip the handles of his chair while Lexie got the door.
"Do you think I'm gonna die?" He asked us. His question made us stop again, Lexie closed the door and this time she knelt down in front of him.
"We've worked with Dr. Shepherd for a while now." Lexie told him. "And your mom could not have picked a better doctor for you. He's the best."
"She's right." I nodded in agreement, making Wes look over his shoulder at me. "A few years ago I was really messed up, but Dr. Shepherd was there to help. I was never supposed to walk again, yet here I am helping prepare you for your own surgery."
*~*~*~*
"Hey, uh, Derek." I poked my head into the office he was in, sitting in front of a computer working. "Can we talk?"
"Sure." He nodded. I glanced over my shoulder before I stepped into the office, closing the door behind me. I took a deep breath as I took a seat in one of the empty chairs, noticing his brows furrowing as he watched me. "Beth, are you okay?"
"Yeah, uh," I cleared my throat. "I just needed to talk to someone and I figured, why not my best friend? Of course, now I thinking about how you're Mark's best friend, too, and I'm thinking I should have talked to someone else."
"It's about Mark." A frown filled his lips at this bit of information. "What happened? What'd he do? I mean, best friends or not, I'll still kick his ass if you need me to. I've done it before."
"Derek, stop." I shook my head. "Mark didn't do anything, you don't need to go crazy and start throwing punches again. You're lucky you didn't hurt your hand the last time as it is. I just... Do you think Mark really loves me?"
"Beth," his face softened, pity filling his eyes.
"I know, it might seem like a stupid question, but I have to ask it." I pressed my lips into a thin line, taking a deep breath before I spoke again. "I mean, I love Mark so much. And so does Joel, he calls him dad and Mark just officially adopted him and everything. But I can't help but wonder if Mark really loves me of if he's just doing all of this and sticking around because of Joel? I just don't want to see Joel get hurt by the first father he's ever had and... I don't want to wind up getting hurt, too. I just... I can't do that, Derek. I seem to have a history of lining myself up to be hurt and I just can't do it anymore, not even for Mark."
"Hey, hey, calm down." He reached over, resting a hand on my arm, rubbing his thumb against it in a soothing manner. "Just calm down, okay? Now what has you thinking like this? What makes you think Mark would only be with you because of pity, or anything besides love? Why are you so scared all of the sudden?"
"Because I'm pregnant." I blurted out. For a moment it was just silence between us, his eyes widening when my words seemed to finally sink in.
"You're pregnant?" He repeated as a smile wormed its way onto his face. "How far along are you?"
"I'm, uh, I'm about a month in." I ran a hand through my hair, my hand shaking slightly.
"And Mark, he doesn't...." he trailed off.
"He doesn't know." I confirmed. "The only people that know are you, an OB over at Seattle Pres., and Ms. O'Malley."
"Ms. O'Malley?" He questioned.
"When she was here a few weeks ago I had a little break down and she just put the pieces together." I explained. "I don't really understand it myself, I guess she just has some sort of 'mommy sense' or something."
"I'm gonna be an uncle again." He chuckled, smiling widely now. "Congratulations."
"Derek, how do I tell Mark?" I asked him. "Do you even think he'll be happy? I mean, he has Sofia and then work already-"
"He'll be thrilled." He cut my rambling short. "Beth, Mark loves you more than anything. The way he looks at you... I've never seen him look at someone that way before you. Trust me, he's not in this because he pities you or anything like that, he loves you. He's in this for the long haul. And when you tell him about this, he's going to be so happy. Though, this might mean you guys have to move into a bigger place. Oh, maybe you guys could have Meredith's house once I finish building ours?"
"Yeah," I drew the word out. "I'm not having my baby's nursery be the same room that Alex brings his one-night stands to. We'll find somewhere else."
"Smart move." We both laughed. "So, where are you gonna tell him?"
*~*~*~*
"What do you think, Dr. Grey? Dr. Watley? Think we should start with, uh, T-four?" Derek asked Lexie and I as the three of us stood around the operating table during Wes' surgery that afternoon.
"Yeah, I, uh, I still think that's the best approach." Lexie said while I nodded in agreement. "There's no clear prevertebral plane."
"All right, well, take me through it, step by step." Derek told the fourth year.
"Okay, we get up above T-three, maybe T-two, we get control of the aorta proximally, and then dissect the large vessels free." Lexie said as Derek operated. "We preserve the radicular branches as we go, especially adamkiewicz-"
"He's paralyzed if we go anywhere near the adamkiewicz." Derek pointed out. "We don't get this tumor, this surgery is for nothing."
"We go in far lateral instead?" I suggested.
"Are you asking me or telling me?" Derek glanced up at me.
"Telling." Lexie answered for me. "I mean, um, we could mobilize the great vessels, and that way, we get access to the tumor on both sides."
"Can I get some suction in here?" Derek asked.
*~*~*~*
"So once the vertebrectomies are complete, we take the tumor down off the dura, do a myelotomy-" Lexie explained later on in the surgery.
"And again hit the adamkiewicz." Derek shook his head. "Paralyzed, dead in three months."
"We resect it free from the aorta-" Lexie tried.
"Spinal shock. Dead." Derek cut her off.
"Harvest a radicular branch that doesn't have tumor involvement-" Lexie spoke quickly.
"Dead again." Derek sighed.
"Okay, stop saying that." Lexie snapped at him.
"Dr. Grey." Derek warned her.
"No, we told him that we would try." Lexie reminded him. "You're not even trying."
"Because the surgery will kill him." Derek let out a deep breath. "We have no choice. We have to close him up."
"No." Lexie disagreed.
"Dr. Grey, I think it's time you just-" Derek began.
"No, you're quitting." Lexie argued with him. "Okay, it's- it's not right, not when we said that we would try. There's a five percent chance. We- We owe him-"
"There is no longer a five percent chance." Derek told us. "Gelfoam, please."
"No." Lexie put her hands in his way, blocking him from closing up.
"He knows about the tumor, Derek." I spoke up, siding with Lexie on this. "He has known all along."
"I told him that we would try." Lexie admitted. "I told him that you were the best. Now please, Derek, just... Please."
"Leave the OR, right now. Both of you." Derek told us, his voice hard.
"Derek." I met his gaze while Lexie headed out of the OR. "What if this were my son, what is this were Joel? Would you really just give up like this?"
"Yes, I would." He nodded. "Because I wouldn't want to be the one to take your son away from you when you could have another three months with him."
*~*~*~*
"The surgery wasn't as hard as they first thought, which is good." Ms. Conners smiled at Wes as Lexie, Derek, and I stood at the end of the boy's hospital bed. Before Wes had woken up, we'd informed her about the surgery, how we weren't able to remove the tumor. Now we were forced to watch her lie to her son. "'Cause that means we can make it to, uh, to Hawaii now. You're done. No more surgeries or doctors. That's it. It's just us. And we're gonna go on another trip after that, too. Maybe even Normandy, like we said. Doesn't that sound fun?"
"You didn't do it." Wes looked over at us.
"What?" Derek asked, playing dumb like Ms. Conners wanted us to.
"You said, after the surgery, I'd be stuck in here for a few weeks." Wes recalled the discussion from this morning.
"That's right. I did." Derek nodded. "You know, sometimes when we get in there, things change. That's why you get to go home."
"Which is a good thing." Ms. Conners assured her son as I saw the tears in his eyes, the ones he was fighting to hold back, wanting to be strong for his mother. "Honey... It's all gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. Mommy's gonna make sure of it. And you don't have to worry. I promise."
"You're gonna be okay, too." Wes told his mother. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm gonna be with Dad in heaven."
*~*~*~*
"This seat taken?" Derek asked when he found me sitting on the steps of his house, watching Zola's birthday party though the railing. I didn't even bother to answer as he took a seat next to me, I just took a sip of my water as I looked over at where Mark was talking to Arizona and Callie, Sofia in Callie's arms. "You know, some people find staring creepy."
"I'm gonna tell him." I said, knowing exactly why he had left his daughter to come talk to me. "I'm gonna do it, soon, I promise. Just go back to Zola, enjoy her birthday."
"I actually wanted to talk about earlier, in surgery." He cleared his throat. "I know that it was a hard case for you, Beth, especially with Wes and Joel being the same age, both being raised by single mothers. But you need to remember that Wes isn't Joel. You shouldn't torture yourself by picturing him in every little boy that you treat. It's not fair to you."
"I know that, it's just hard." I shook my head. "It's hard to explain, Derek. I guess you'll understand it when Zola's older and you have a girl her age come across your operating table. It's pretty much impossible not to picture your kid in their place. It hurts, but there's just no way out of it."
"Why don't we get back to the party?" He got back up to his feet, offering his hand to me. I smiled as I took it, scanning the living room until I spotted Mark, finding him talking to Webber now.
"Hey, uh, can I borrow Mark?" I asked Webber.
"Sure." He nodded. I grabbed Mark's hand, leading him out of the crowded living room and down the hall into the decently sized bathroom. I pulled him into the bathroom before closing and locking the door.
"What's going on here?" He raised a brow at me.
"Not what you're probably thinking." I couldn't help but laugh at the suggestive look on his face. "Because that's never happening at a kid's birthday party. It's wrong on so many levels."
"Then why did you drag me into a small room and lock the door?" He raised a brow at me.
"'Cause I have something I need to tell you and ifI don't do it now I'm pretty sure Derek will end up spilling the beans." I told him.
"What is it?" He asked, his brows furrowing slightly now. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. More than fine, actually." I assured him. I reached into my back pocket, pulling out the picture that I had folded in half and put there earlier. I handed it over to him and watched as he opened it. His eyes widened slightly as they took in the image before he looked up at me, still holding the ultrasound photo in his hands.
"Are you serious?" He asked, a smile making its way onto his face.
"Yeah." I nodded, smiling myself. "We're gonna have a baby."
He only laughed as he pulled me into a hug, pressing his lips against my own as I wound my arms around his neck. The nerves that had been consuming me for the past few weeks all seemed to melt away in that moment, realizing that what Derek had told me was right.
"We're gonna have a baby." He pulled back from me, looking back down at the ultrasound photo. "How far along are you?"
"A month." I told him. "This is from last week, I wanted to have checkup, just make sure everything was okay before I told you. And it is, everything's perfect."
"Our little girl," he smiled at the photo.
"Gril?" I raised a brow at him. "It's way too soon to know that, and besides, it's gonna be a boy."
"Really? And how do you know that?" He wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we both looked at the photo.
"My vagina." I shrugged, recalling all of Callie's little comments during her pregnancy. "I vote for a boy."
"I don't think it works that way." He chuckled.
"It better." I looked down at my flat stomach, picturing the little human that was growing inside of me at that moment. "I'm pretty sure Joel would prefer a brother over another sister."
"I love you." Mark said, making me look up at him.
"I love you, too." I pressed my lips against his.