I woke up at about 2:30 in the morning to an alarm I set last night. I don't want to say that I was influenced by the website but I did feel a bit self conscious after reading the blog. The rest of the night I looked at models that had nice bodies and I felt a bit jealous. They were known for having good bodies and that's what makes them famous but I didn't have a good body and I was nothing but I got motivated to get into shape.
I grabbed my phone, earbuds, my running shoes that I had for PE last year and put on some clothes and headed out the front door. It was still and dark outside with the only light coming from the street lights in the neighborhood and I saw my shadow on the sidewalk. I opened my Spotify app and looked for some good music to run to. I came to a conclusion that didn't have the appropriate music for working out. I then click on browse and searched for workout music. Eventually a playlist showed up and I clicked shuffle play. I started out walking and after about 10 minutes I felt like I was getting out of breath and my legs began to ache. I felt a bit defeated but I decided to run instead to make myself feel better. I felt the wind on my face and the pain in my legs increase little by little. I ran around the block and stopped at the playground in the neighborhood. I bent over and tried to catch my breath but every breath made my lungs feel like I was on fire like I was breathing fire instead of air.
I walked over to the swings and sat down on one of the swings near the end of the playground. The soft plastic chair caused a sting to move up my spine as I sat down. I slowly moved back and forth on the swing with my feet moving me. You can run a little more the thought hit me and it was something I couldn't ignore. Eventually I pulled my pain filled body off of the swing and started to slowly walk to the exit of the playground and limp my way onto the sidewalk again to continue running. The voice inside my head convinced me to keep going and I called it my motivation.
I got home and quietly made my way back into the house and into my room. Thankfully I was quiet enough not to wake anyone up and decided to take a shower. I peeled my clothes off my sweaty body and turned on the hot water and waited for it to heat up. I threw my clothes in my hamper and took my hair down from the ponytail I had it in. I set the hair tie on my sink and ran my hands through my hair to separate the curls. Eventually the water felt warm enough and I jumped into the shower. The hot water felt good against my sore muscles. Every movement felt like my limbs were a thousand pounds and I could barely move them enough to wash my hair.
After a long hot shower I grab the towel I set on my towel rack and began to dry myself. I tied the towel around my body and walked over to the sink to brush my hair and get ready. My face looked pink from the shower and as I brushed my hair I got my brush caught in my hair. I laughed for a second to myself and tried to get the brush out. After some hardcore pulling eventually it came out and I dried the rest of my body. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. You should get rid of those stretch marks they look gross I frowned at my appearance the voice was right I looked like a zebra with the stretch marks. I was being nit picky about every aspect of my body which was not something I do on a normal day but I felt like I needed it.
By the time I finished getting ready I felt amazing. I decided to dress nice considering I had a good run to get me going. I looked through my closet for something nice to wear and I found this little dress I bought from a thrift store last week when I went with Cameron and Jake. The dress was black and had some little flowers on it and some lace accents it was fancy but not too fancy to be casual. I threw it on with some black tights I had and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked alright but my face looked kind of dull. I walked over to my vanity and tried to find some lipstick or something to put on to relieve the dullness that is my face. I found a lipstick that I borrowed from my mom, that I forgot to give back, and put it on. I begin to put my shoes on when I hear a knock on the door.
"Honey it's time to get up" My mom slowly opens the door and as she does she sees me on my bed with one boot in hand. "You're up early".
I laugh, "Yeah I figured I should try and be a early bird this morning"
"Well okay then well I'm making breakfast so when you're ready come down for breakfast" She slowly closes the door and walks away. I put on my other shoe and look in the mirror at the finished result. I looked alright but as I grabbed my backpack I get a text from an unknown number.
You look great today
A small chill goes down my spine as I walk over to my window and look outside. All I see is the neighbors house and some people walking their dog. I shake my head and delete the message.
The smell of pancakes and bacon fill my nose as I make my way downstairs. I set my backpack on the couch and turn on the TV. I ate one pancake and one piece of bacon and some water. My mom gave me a weird look because this isn't something that I usually do. Pancakes and bacon are my favorite breakfast and I usually eat a whole bunch but before my mom could say anything I was already out the door and heading to school.
I figured that me being a ass to my friends wasn't a good thing for me or for them. I also wasn't helping myself at all. Once class ended I met up with Cameron and we headed to our table.
"Are you okay?" She sets her lunch tray down on the table and starts to eat her burger.
"Yeah I've just had a rough day yesturday I didn't mean to take it out on you or Jake" I felt guilty because I was more frustrated at myself and I let it get out of hand.
"That doesn't matter to me I just want to make sure that I didn't do anything to offend you or make you angry"
"No you didn't it was just some things that I'm dealing with"
We ate in silence for a while and I looked at the bare tree. There was a little ladybug of one of the bare branches. It was all by itself and I couldn't help but relate to it somehow.
"What are you doing later?" Cameron sets her burger down and looks at me with a light smile.
"Nothing really, why do you ask?" I take a drink of my water and she pulls out a flyer from her bag and hands it over to me.
The flyer had a plain look to it which was odd for a flyer but the font on the front intrigued me and I read it. I lightly skimmed the page and what caught my eye was the word "Slam Poetry". I was familiar with the style of poetry but never really went to an event for it.
Poetry has a big place in my heart. I used my writing as a way to get me through what is happening at home and stuff. I don't really like to talk about my feelings I'm more of a let's keep it to ourselves kind of person because of that, I learned to keep everything in and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
"We should go it would be nice to get you out of the house for a little bit maybe it would change your mood a bit" She continues eating and smiles at me. Maybe she's right I do need to take sometime to myself and focus on making myself happy.
"Okay I'll go" I take another drink of my water and begin to pick at my lunch.
"Great Jake will pick us up from here and we'll head over there"
"Why isn't he at school?" It was unusual for him not to be at school.
"He said he didn't feel like coming he didn't really go into detail why not" She noticed me picking at my food. "Are you okay? You usually don't pick at your food"
"I'm just not that hungry"
"Well I am" she then grabs my food off my tray and begins to eat. I look at phone and I see a text from my mom. It was odd for my mom to text me at school she usually just tells me what she wants to say once she gets home. Maybe she really needed something but the message was so simple I figured it was nothing super important.
The lunch bell rang and I grabbed my backpack and my now empty lunch tray and head to class. I drop off my tray on the assembly line like all the other people. As I turn around I can see Amber staring at me from the distance. I quickly head to class and take my seat before the bell rings. Something about her stare just makes me uncomfortable and I can't get it out of my head.
Once the last bell rang I texted Cameron to meet me in the front of the school and I texted Jake the same thing. I sat down on one of the benches and looked at my phone. I decided to get on the Thinspiration website and just browse a bit before Cameron or Jake get here. On the chat screen there were 34 people online. I clicked on some profiles then went back to the chat room forum. Someone had put a message and I decided to read it.
I feel really fat today I don't know why but I look super bloated. My friends are telling me that it's all in my head and that I need to get over it and that I'm too skinny. I on the other hand don't think I'm "too skinny" I think I'm too fat and I need to lose weight any suggestions on how I can do that?
It freaked me out that people actually thought like that and that they won't get it out of their heads that they need to be really thin. As I was thinking about that I see three little bubbles which means that someone is replying. I held my breath because I was afraid of what someone was going to answer.
I understand maybe you should take baby steps to losing weight I recommend trying a app the tracks all your calories that you eat in a day. I also recommend that you try exercising the goal is to lose weight so burn more calories than what you eat. Hopefully this helps and makes you feel better about losing weight. It will be hard at first but you'll love the results afterwards.
The person that replied was Ambear2015 that was the same user that posted those pictures. My stomach felt uneasy and I decided to get out of the site. Why would people do that? I took an anatomy class and I know that is horrible for you. I couldn't help but get a bit angry but it wasn't my life or my problem so I figured I should just leave it.
Cameron eventually showed up and so did Jake he parked the car and me and Cameron jumped in. I called shotgun before Cameron did and I helped picked out the music on the way to the event. I grabbed the aux cord and scrolled thought my music and I decided to feel uplifted a bit. I decided to play We are by One ok rock. As soon as I heard Taka's voice I felt a wave of peace hit me and I could see that it had the same effect on Jake and Cameron. We all sang along and before we knew it we were here. The venue didn't look much like I expected from the flier. It was more like a coffee shop than anything else and it looked like they tried to have a underground feel to it. I was starving and so were Cameron and Jake so I offered to buy food while the look for somewhere to sit. The dim lights made it kind of difficult to see the menu but I ended up just ordering some ice coffees and three slices of cake. The cashier had beads braided into her hair and she wasn't wearing shoes. The bohemian look worked for her and I kind of liked it she gave me a smile as I handed her a twenty. When she opened the register to give me change back I responded with "Keep it". Her smile grew bigger and I stepped to the side to wait for my order and for the person behind me to order.
Some soft jazz like music started playing as I waited. I then moved back to give some space for the next people and as I did I hear a "watch it". I turn around to see a guy with coffees in his hand and a large brown stain on his shirt. I ran into him and made him spill coffee on himself nice job me.
"I'm so so sorry I'll get you some napkins" I ran up to the cashier and asked for some napkins. Once I got them I ran back to the guy who was now sitting down with a group of people. I felt my face go red because I could hear him talking about me to the people at the table. I held my breath and went closer. "Here and again I'm sorry" He turned to face me and as he did our eyes met. He had the most bluest eyes I've ever seen. It was hard to look away but eventually I did and handed him the napkins.
"Thanks" He then starts to clean himself up and I begin to walk back to the place I was earlier and continue waiting for my order.
We ate our cake and drank our coffees as we waited for the show to start. Eventually a man who looked like he was in his late forties with long salt and pepper hair that was pulled back in a ponytail came onto the stage. I hear many people snap so we all did too.
"Good evening ladies and gents we all appreciate you coming here to hear the words and emotions of these young people. We have some of our regulars and some new poets tonight and I am happy to announce that the new ones are as good as they look" He then hands the mic to a girl and the show begins.