One day I woke up and realized that this isn't going to work anymore.
Relationship doesn't look like this. Loving someone and having someone love you should be the best feeling in the world.
Masaya pa rin ako kay Liam pero iba na talaga. It's not his fault dahil nararamdaman kong umiiwas na siya kay Celine pero masyado nang late para doon.
I don't want to admit it but this feeling of insecurity that I felt overpowers the love that I feel for him. I love Liam. And that's the problem.
I love him so much that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want him to settle with me just because I'm there.
"What's wrong?"
I look at him and all I see is his worried face. Isn't it too late to be worried now?
"Wala."
"Baby, alam natin na pag sinasabi mong wala meron. What's wrong?"
I almost cried when I heard his endearment for me. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang gawin 'to sa kanya. I don't know if I can break his heart.
Pero hindi ko na talaga kaya.
"Wala. I just.. I love you, Liam."
"You're scaring me. Anong meron?"
"Anong nagustuhan mo sa akin?" Tanong ko.
I heard him laugh and felt his hand on mine. I let him hold my hand even if I want to jerk away from his touch.
"Bakit bigla mong natanong?"
"Bakit hindi mo masagot?" Nilingon ko siya. I don't know what he could see in my face but his smile disappeared.
"For what it's worth, I love everything about you. You know that." Sagot niya and nothing hurts more than his answer.
"One can't possibly like everything about a person."
I can give a thousand reason why I love him. But he can't even give me one.
Everything is just a lame answer. An excuse to not really answer. You say that when you have nothing to say. If I didn't know better, I'd believe him.
"Baby, come on. What's wrong with you? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan?"
I inhaled and exhaled deeply. "I don't know. I think, I think we need a break.." I paused and closed my eyes for a second. "Let's break up."
"What?"
Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko and I swear I want to hold his hand more than anything right now but I shouldn't. Inalis ko ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko.
Hurt flashed across his face and I have to avoid the look and at the same time try not to cry.
"I'm sorry. Let's break up, Liam."
"Why? You don't have to do this. Tell me what's wrong we can fix this--"
"No. We can't." Umiling ako.
"Bakit? May nagawa ba ako? Did I upset you?"
"Wala. I just can't do this anymore. Narealize ko na hindi ko pala talaga kaya with acads and you. Hindi ko kayang pagsabayin."
"You said you love me. Ayusin natin 'to. Is this about Celine? Iiwasan ko siya. Hindi ko na siya kakausapin. Just don't do this."
I back away while shaking my head. This is harder than I thought it would be. I didn't expect saying those words would hurt like this.
I still had so many things I want to do with him. We talked about going to high school reunions together and I would laugh at those people who doubted us before. Aattend pa kami ng graduation ng isa't isa and we would be so proud of our achievement. We would attend college parties together. Together. Ang dami pa namin hindi nagawa na hindi na namin magagawa ng magkasama.
Everyday, it is getting harder and harder to pretend that I'm okay with that girl flirting and Liam dismissing the thought. Parang hindi na kami parehas ng path, it looks like we lost the connection we had.
I love him so much pero hindi rin kami tatagal kung palaging ganito.
"Don't do this, baby. Flynne.." His voice cracked and that's it.
My tears were already falling too. I wiped them away but they keep falling nonstop.
I often have thoughts that didn't make sense even to me but this, this is the only thing that make sense right now. Kailangan kong kumbisihin ang sarili ko na tama 'tong gagawin ko kahit na masakit para sa akin.
"I'm sorry." Iling ko.
"Please, baby." He said again.
I never heard him this broke before and seeing him just made me cry harder. Tumingala ako para hindi na sila tumulo but I failed. My tears would never stop falling for breaking up with him.
"Don't beg. Pagisipan mo rin. Maybe this isn't really what you wanted or needed. Maybe what we both need is time to think or kailangan lang natin ng space."
Umiling siya at dalawang hakbang lang ay nahawakan na niya ako. Lalo akong naiyak nung niyakap niya ako.
"Shh.. don't cry. Baby.. my baby. I'm sorry. Sorry for everything." He cooed.
I pulled away and wiped my tears again and shook my head. "It's not your fault. But I need this. Kailangan ko ng space. Kailangan natin 'to. Palagi nalang kasi tayong nagaaway. You may not want this right now but someday you'll thank me for this. Someday I might regret doing this but I don't regret loving you. It's the best feeling in the world."
I reached up and kiss him on the cheek. "I love you."
Hindi ko napansin na umiiyak na rin pala siya. I looked away because I don't want to see him crying. At least 'yung last moment naman na maalala ko hindi 'yung umiiyak siya.
"And I'm sorry." Tumalikod na ako.
"I love you. Please. Please."
I stopped when I heard him pleading, begging and his voice cracking. Something in my heart broke because of that but I keep on walking until I couldn't hear him anymore.
xx
When I woke up my eyes hurt my chest hurts everything just hurts.
I broke up with Liam yesterday. Gusto ko man sabihin na nagbibiro lang ako hindi ko na magawa.
Ang sakit sakit na ng mata ko pero umiiyak nanaman ako. I was the one who want out so why am I crying? Anong iniiyak ko ngayon?
Hindi dapat ako umiiyak. Pero bakit hindi ko mapigilan nga luha ko? Why is he making this so hard for me.
Sumilip ako sa bintana at nandoon pa rin siya. Tumunog ang phone ko at panibagong message nanaman ang nandoon.
Begging me. Asking for me to meet with him. Asking me to go out.
I really want to. Nung nakita ko pa lang siya sa labas ay gusto ko nang tumakbo papunta sa kanya at yakapin siya. Bury my face in his chest and think that everything is okay.
As much as I want to do that I stood my decision. Hindi ako nagreply at hindi ako nagpakita.
I don't know how many hours were he standing there. Akala ko nung una aalis rin siya pag hindi ako lumabas. Baka mapapagod rin siya pero hindi. Nung una nakatayo siya tapos umupo then I thought he's beginning to lose hope but then I saw him standing up and started pacing again.
Then I couldn't take it anymore. I called Seb for help.
"Bakit ako? Just tell him to go. Call the guards."
Hindi ko kayang magpakita dahil once kaharap ko na siya I know I won't be able to do it but Seb can. And I know Liam will listen to him.
"Please."
I don't know how desperate my voice was but he sighed then agreed.
Nakatingin lang ako sa bintana at nakita ko si Seb na naglalakad na papalapit sa bahay namin. Liam stood straight the moment he saw him.
Pinanood ko silang dalawa. Nagusap silang dalawa at nagtago ako agad nang mapatingin si Seb sa bintana ng kwarto ko.
Mukhang ayaw ni Liam dahil medyo matagal silang nagusap until I saw Seb gripped his shoulders and Liam, who swear that he will not leave until I show up, turned his back and started walking away.
Pinunasan ko muna ang luha ko at inayos ang sarili bago nagpunta ng sala para salubungin si Seb.
"What happened? You two broke up?" Sigaw niya.
"Ayaw kong pagusapan."
"Oh but you will. I didn't drag my ass here just for you to say that. Anong nangyari?" Tanong niya.
"I called it quits. Ayaw ko na. I want out. That's it. What else do you want to hear from me?" Sagot ko.
Looks like he wants to ask so many things but settled for, "Is that really what you want?"
Is this really what you want, Flynne? I don't know how many times I had asked that to myself but I still don't have any answer.
"Does it matter? It's over."
"Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari sayo but that face?" He pointed at the door. "You didn't see it. That face that says it's not yet over."
Bumukas ang bibig ko but nothing came out. Gusto kong itanong kung anong sinabi ni Liam. Pero may karapatan ba akong malaman?
"But it is. Liam needs to man up." There I said it.
Anger flashed through Seb's face. That's it. Get mad at me, go on. Get angry and don't ask questions.
"Anong sabi mo? Flynne. Anong nangyari?" Lalong naging seryoso ang boses niya and this time I know it's really serious.
"Thank you sa pagpunta." Lang ang sinabi ko.
He shook his head as if disappointed then he walked to the door and slams it shut. Too hard that if our door was made out of cheap materials I think it might fall off.
The moment he was out I let myself feel all the emotions that I've been hiding. Napaupo nalang ako sa sahig at umiyak ulit.
As a teenager alam kong marami pa akong pagdadaanan pero by far this is the most painful I had to deal it and I even did it to myself.
I might be out of my mind to even broke up with him the in the first place. And if I'm not sure of that, I must be damn sure this time. He wanted to talk, he wanted us to have a second chance yet I stayed in my room telling him to go away.
Without Liam I might as well be an empty shell. But empty or not, I made a choice and now I have to suck it up and accept the consequences.