June 25, 2008
When everything’s out in the open, there really isn’t any other thing left to do except move on. But...
“It was Nick,” Vivian informed her daughter, one eyebrow raised. “Again.” She went over and sat beside her daughter on the couch. It did not escape her notice that Rachelle was not paying attention to the TV show she was supposedly watching. She took Rachelle’s hand in hers, earning her a look from her daughter. “Stop avoiding him, honey. That’s obviously what you’re doing and it’s not healthy.” Rachelle tried to take her hand back but Vivian held on. “To your friendship, especially.”
“Mom,” she complained, her tone a tad bit exasperated.
Vivian simply shook her head. “I don’t blame you for being confused—what, with everything that’s happened.” She looked deep into her daughter’s eyes, making Rachelle shiver at the intensity of her mother’s gaze. “I simply want you to go and talk to him,” Vivian advised. “Christmas is just around the corner and we’re all supposed to be happy, remember? You won’t be, unless you get things fixed with Nick.”
“But,” Rachelle countered, albeit hesitantly. “What if I say the wrong things and I end up losing him, instead? Why can’t we just go back to the way things are? How did things end up so complicated?” she complained. She knew her questions were futile but she really had no idea what to do with this last piece of her problems.
“Darling, he’s just human. Nick probably didn’t want it to happen this way, either. But,” Rachelle felt a squeeze on her hand, “there is no way he could’ve controlled his emotions. At least not totally. Besides, there’s no reason you can’t love him back. He’s a good guy.” Vivian smiled with genuine enthusiasm. “I like him for you, actually. I can trust him to take care of you.”
“I’m not so sure,” Rachelle replied pessimistically, “I mean I like him too but it just seems so...wrong.”
Vivian gave her a hug of comfort, visibly worried for her daughter. “It’s alright, honey. I guess you don’t have to force yourself.”
At that moment, Ian stumbled into the living room, a jar of chocolate flakes in one hand. His wife and daughter got out of their embrace as he seated himself on one of the single-seat sofa chairs.
“Am I right to assume that it’s Nicholas you were talking about?” he asked as he tossed two flakes into his mouth, his face turned towards the television.
Rachelle felt her eyes widen in surprise as her head whipped towards her equally confused mother. When she began to ignore Nick’s calls, and refused to join the band practice even after Christmas vacation had started, she knew that everyone in her family had already deduced that something happened between her and her best friend. At first, they bought the excuse that she had to concentrate on her latest project so as to get back on track in her career. But when pictorials ended after five days, her mother began pestering her about Nick.
Her parents initially thought it was because of his absence during her birthday and they told her that Nick must have had a good reason for not being able to come. They knew that Rachelle and Nick did not ignore each other when they argued and it got her parents worried. Nick was almost a son to them.
It was only last night that Vivian had finally coerced Rachelle to tell her what’s wrong. When she finished telling her mother what she just found out, Vivian was stunned for a few moments and then she chuckled with amusement.
“Oh honey!” Vivian exclaimed. They were in Rachelle’s room and even though she knew Vivian’s voice wasn’t that loud, she shushed her mother with a finger on her lips. Vivian merely grinned. “For years, your father and I had wondered why the two of you were never a couple. I knew you should be.”
“Mom, it’s Nick we’re talking about,” Rachelle protested. “He’s like a brother to me!”
“But he isn’t.” Rachelle found herself in a hug before her mother continued, “Think about it, Rach. I think if you just dig deeper into your heart, you’ll realize that somehow, you love him too.”
Rachelle pushed back from her mother’s arms then pouted her lips. “You just want me to finally have a boyfriend who would last for more than a year.”
Vivian only laughed as she stood to leave her daughter’s bedroom. “That may be the case, but as you well know, Nick is first on my best-boyfriends-for-my-daughter list. Although, I think it would be good for you to stay single for a while.”
Her mother’s ideas had stayed in her thoughts until the following morning, keeping her in some kind of daze. She hadn’t realized that her parents had begun to notice that she had been much too preoccupied with her thoughts.
“So, was it Nick?” Ian repeated when no one answered him.
“Well, uh, yes,” Vivian replied.
“If you ever get around to telling him you love him too, don’t forget to bring him over so we can talk,” Ian told Rachelle, his voice utterly serious. “I’ve been too kind to your exes and look what happened.”
“Ian,” Vivian warned her husband. Rachelle may have started moving on with her life but everybody knew that what Liam did was still haunting her.
“Vi, your daughter’s strong enough to handle it.”
“Thanks, dad,” the daughter said with a smile.
“You’ll bring him over,” Ian ordered her daughter. “I trust him but I need to say my piece.”
“And how do you know there’s a possibility of him becoming my boyfriend?”
“Doesn’t matter,” he shrugged.
“I’m not even sure I love him,” she muttered in a low voice.
“The fact that you’re confused probably means you already are. But then again, we can never be too sure.” He stared at Rachelle’s eyes then in a grave, fatherly voice he said, “While you’re still trying to figure it out, just remember this one piece of advice, Rach. Love is supposed to be generous, selfless and most of the time uncontrollable.”
Ian then stole a glance at Vivian, giving his wife a small smile. “That’s why it takes two people to find happiness in love. When it’s one-sided, it could hurt worse than any other kind of torture. Your mother told me that. And she couldn’t be more right.”
Rachelle saw that her mother had tears in her eyes and she realized that her parents, just like most couples, have had their share of difficulties. She wanted something like what her parents have and for a moment, she wondered if maybe she could have it with Nick.
*****
Rachelle heaved a sigh as she stood by the lake’s shore. Her parents definitely approved of Nick but she was sure they would support whatever her decision would be regarding this matter. It was Christmas Eve and she should be home, helping the family for tonight’s Noche Buena feast.
As if on cue, she saw Matt’s looming figure advancing towards her.
She raised her hand to stop her brother from damaging her ears. “I know, I’ll be home in thirty minutes, okay?”
Matt inhaled a gulp of air and exhaled soundly. “Good. Mom’s giving me headaches with her last-minute groceries.” He ran a hand through his dark hair. “She’s cooking for an entire battalion! I told dad he had to eat everything ‘cause the food was certainly for him but he glared at me and told me I had to eat the leftovers.” He slumped on the bench and frowned. “Psh. You’re the one they should be bullying around.”
Rachelle grinned to herself, knowing full well how exasperating her mom and dad could be when they put their minds to it. They clearly enjoy taking turns teasing her genius of a brother, making Matt feel less pressured about himself. She remembered how he rebelled after many of his preschool and grade school teachers practically forced him to grow up faster than a normal kid. After that phase, Ian and Vivian made sure that their son wouldn’t feel like a freak—someone much too different than his peers. And so Matt occasionally got a bit of silliness from them. And he liked it, he just wouldn’t show it.
“You should get back. Mom will panic,” Rachelle mischievously told her brother as she went to sit beside him.
He lifted his arrogant chin and declared, “Nope. I told them I’ll order you home but I won’t be back ‘til six.” Rachelle left her mouth hanging open, incredulous. “You, however, need to get back home.”
She rolled her eyes at Matt and crossed her arms in front of her. “You’re the worst brother ever.”
His response was a lopsided grin combined with a cheerful, “I know!”
“Hmph.”
Rachelle stood up and was scowling at her brother when someone caught her eye. She raised her head and gasped softly as she realized who it was. Matt turned in his seat, found his good friend and lifted himself off the bench.
“I guess you can have those thirty minutes you wanted, sis,” he said, lightly tapping her shoulder in an attempt to encourage her.
“Do you know anything about this?” she hissed at Matt and he shook his head.
Looking at Nick who was still visibly surprised, she took her brother’s word for it. Matt came over and chatted with his band mate for a few moments, ending it with a: “See you at tomorrow’s gig.”
And then he jogged off, leaving her to deal with Nick.
She had no particular idea what to do and so she gave him a smile which he took as an invitation to come over so they could finally talk. Rachelle wasn’t exactly sure that it was what she wanted but since he was already there, they might as well have this dreaded discussion.
Nick didn’t take a seat but instead allowed her to have some space as he continued to walk until he was by the shore.
He spoke first. “Sorry I didn’t come to your birthday celebration,” he said, only half-turning.
She was grateful that Nick had given them a good opening and she latched on to it, giving him a small smile of forgiveness. He wasn’t looking at her but she knew he was watching her as she remained standing by the bench.
“Don’t worry about it.” She began walking towards the lake but not quite to where Nick was. “I got the necklace. It’s beautiful. Thank you.”
He waited for her to reach the shore before he gave her a reply. “I’m glad you liked it.”
Even two seconds of silence felt too awkward for Rachelle and so she went on to another safe topic. “I have a Christmas gift for you but I left it at home. I hadn’t anticipated meeting you here.”
It made him smile. “I have one for you too. As a matter of fact, I have it with me.”
He was now staring at her and she turned to meet his gaze. For some reason, his tender smile caused her heart to do little flip and raised one hand to try to keep it steady. Rachelle watched him take a small blue box out of his jacket’s pocket. His slow stride emphasized the gentleness that hid beneath his rugged façade and she found herself gawking at him, somehow seeing him differently than before.
Nick handed her the box and urged her to open it.
The Sailor Venus action figure lay inside surrounded by strips of white-colored crepe paper.
“Merry Christmas,” Nick said, almost a whisper.
She gaped at it, trying to fathom the reason why she was getting this for Christmas. Somewhere in her heart she knew that this meant that something was changing between the two of them. It made her scared and relieved at the same time. Scared that she might be losing her best friend but relieved because it seemed that this would finally give her some clues about what to do with her and Nick.
“I don’t think I’d ever find any other girl best friend, Rach. So I broke the box’s lock, took it and decided to give it back to you.” He looked away and she saw that he was struggling to keep his emotions in check. “When I admitted to myself that I’m in love with you, I knew that time will come that I would have to tell you and then things won’t be the same as before.”
A frown crossed his face and he took a deep breath. “And it already happened. There’s no going back now, Rach.” He turned back to her and his eyes were filled with intensity far greater than what she had seen in them before. “You will always be the only girl best friend in my life but I can no longer keep pretending that it’s all I wanted. I love you, Rach. It’s either you love me back or we become simple friends. Or strangers. But never best friends. Never that again.”
Rachelle froze as the impact of Nick’s words hit her like an avalanche—emotions tumbling all over each other and visions of an entirely different future without her best friend. She hadn’t realized that tears had escaped from her eyes until she felt Nick’s hands on her face, his thumbs brushing off the waterfall of feelings from her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” he told her, his gaze piercing through the barricade of tears. “But it will only hurt us both to pretend that we can keep going the way we’ve been. I offer you my love, Rach. All of it. Nothing I do for you will only mean friendship. Everything will always be for love.”
Seeing such raw honesty from Nick made Rachelle feel something moving inside her heart, telling her to respond with the same amount of sincerity that she got from him. She felt herself slowly raising her arms to wrap them around him, not to refuse to let go of their past but to let him know that she understood what he was trying to convey to her.
When she pulled back, she smiled into his eyes, knowing that whatever she said next would determine what would happen between the two of them.
She drew in as much air as she could muster and exhaled slowly, vying for time to gather her thoughts.
“I have an incredibly warped definition of love,” she began with a shrug. “You know how I was. I thought that every time I feel my heart fluttering, I would think that I’ve fallen in love. Then I would jump right in and get out wounded.” The corners of her lips twisted into a smile. “I hadn’t really noticed but thinking about it, you were the one who always healed those wounds, Nick. I had been reckless mostly because I knew you’d get me out of trouble all the time.”
Something tightened in her chest and she took several deep breaths to try to ease the ache it had caused. “You were so much like Matt, and I think that’s what planted the idea in my head that you were a brother to me more than you were a friend. It did not occur to me that one day one of us will fall for the other. I thought it was impossible.”
Rachelle watched for Nick’s reaction and she saw his hands balled into fists as he absorbed what she was saying. “I have to thank you, you know. For reminding me who you are and for being so honest despite the fact that my indecision is hurting you. I want to be as truthful to you as you are to me, and the only thing I can tell you is that right now, I, well,” she swallowed, “I can’t love you back the way you love me.”
He stiffened and she watched as he moved a step back and placed his fists on his hips. “At least not yet. I’m sorry, Nick.” She stopped herself before she reached out to him. She knew he wouldn’t really take it so well. “I want to love you. Desperately. But when I fall in love with you, I want to make sure that I can give you all of myself. Nick, if there is one man in this world that I want to be with right now, it’s you. But I need you to understand that this is going to be a huge change and it takes time. In all truth, I’m going to need you to help me through it.”
She fervently wished that he would realize what she was trying to tell him. Silence stretched between them and for a moment, she feared that he wasn’t able to see things in her perspective. Dread began crawling on her back and she longed to take back all the words she just said and start all over. The world started to spin but then she saw him slowly relax as he turned his astonished yet knowing gaze at her.
“You need me to remind you—constantly—that you’re no longer caged inside your past and that your best friend is in love with you. And you’re free to love me back. Is that it?”
Rachelle beamed. A glow of happiness seemed to blossom inside her, melting away all the remaining insecurities and doubts she had about herself. He understood. She knew she could rely at his ability to read her mind. She also knew that he would be patient as she tried to go about with her life, slowly but surely. “Are you going to do it?”
A long minute passed and then he smiled.
“Yes.”