A/N May the fourth be with you! This doesn't technically make sense cuz I think it's still the end of December in the story but whatever. Logic is for the weak.
"Hey, Charlie, you know what today is?" Gabriel asks excitedly, bounding up to her in one of the many hallways of the bunker.
"The anniversary of Star Wars Episode Seven?" she guesses with a grin, naming the movie that, like, half the bunker watched the previous night.
"Yeppity doo," he confirms. "You know what that means?"
"Something fun, right?"
"Hellz yeah!" Suddenly, a light saber appears in Gabriel's hands. He activates it, a jet of blue light shooting out.
Charlie's eyes widen. "Dude! You have a real freaking light saber!"
"Is that a problem?" he asks.
"No, that's awesome! I want one!"
"Think fast!"
Gabriel deactivates the light saber and tosses it, but it doesn't reach her. Instead, it lands in Lucifer's outstretched hand. They hadn't realized he was there, he's so quiet. It makes sense he'd choose here; he's close enough to the war room that he can hear if something fun happens or if the opportunity for him to annoy people arises, but he's not stuck in any social situation. Instead, he's just playing on... a Gameboy? Who uses Gameboys anymore?
"You gonna join us, seeing as you're one with the Force, or are you just being annoying?" Gabriel asks him.
"Actually, you two are the annoying ones," Lucifer replies, putting the light saber on the floor next to him before returning to his game.
Gabriel nudged Charlie. "I'm gonna pull a Luke," he whispers. He holds out a hand, exaggerating his concentration on the weapon before it flies into his hand.
Except it doesn't. Lucifer shoots a hand out and grabs it just as it leaves the ground.
"Dude, you ruined my moment!" Gabriel whines.
"Too bad," Lucifer replies, obviously unconcerned. "Go geek out somewhere else."
"Or you could stop being a jerk and bring your boring self somewhere else?" Though she started out confident, her voice became less sure as Lucifer looks up from his game to glare at her.
The light saber spontaneously combusts, then flies towards her, courtesy of a mildly annoyed and very bored Lucifer. Charlie screams and jumps back, narrowly missing the flaming object.
Though Gabriel could put the fire out, he decides against it. The light saber is about thirty seconds away from being a pile of slush on the floor, anyway. Instead, he makes a new light saber, sticks his tongue out at his brother, and this time hands it to Charlie.
"How do I... Holy Tardis of stinking Gallifrey!" she exclaims as the light saber activates. After the initial shock disappears, she holds it up in the way Anakin or Obi Wan or Luke would hold it. "Surprise, bitches. I'm the next Jedi."
"There can only be one," Gabriel replies, a light saber appearing in his own hand as well. He activates his, a jet of blue light shooting out of his. Instead of mimicking Charlie, he holds it like Ashoka from the Clone Wars television show.
"You wanna go?" Charlie taunts him.
"You're going down!" Gabriel replies.
"Aw hell no!"
Charlie swings her light saber, making sure that it won't hit him just in case his reflexes aren't as good as she thought. Instantly, he blocks it, the light sabers clashing with a loud hiss. Charlie swings again, and Gabriel does a dramatic turn and essentially dancing away from it.
Taking the offense this time, he attacks her head, and she ducks before returning with a strike of her own. He blocks her, the light sabers meeting between them. They push forward, each trying to move the other person's weapon towards them. Suddenly, Gabriel side steps out of the way, sending Charlie, who had all her weight in the light saber, flying forward. He uses his awesome angel powers to stop her before she slams into the wall and stabs herself, and, more importantly, before she hits Lucifer.
The older angel looks up, a dangerous look in his eye. Charlie takes a few nervous steps back, hiding behind Gabriel. Lucifer puts his Gameboy down and stands up slowly, his chin tucked and just looking downright scary.
Suddenly, a light saber appears in his own hand. The other two watch in confusion. What's the devil doing with a light saber? A red blade of light shoots out from not just the tip but the sides, and he holds it down so the tip almost touches the floor.
"You've made a grave mistake," he growls, "messing with me. You're no match for the power of the Dark Side."
Gabriel and Charlie look at each other uncertainly before a smile creeps up on both their faces and they turn back to him.
"There are two of us and one of you," Gabriel reminds him. "This is a fight you can't win."
"Watch me."
Immediately, the two angels start fighting, their light sabers moving at such a high speed that the light they emit is still visible on one side of their body while the saber itself is on the other. Lucifer walks towards him, pushing him back against the wall. He holds the saber to his brother's throat, his neck between the long blade and one of the short ones.
"Any last words, rebel scum?"
"Yes," Gabriel chokes out as if he's actually about to be decapitated, which, knowing Lucifer, is entirely possible. Then he smirks, confusing the older angel until he says, "Don't forget, I didn't come alone."
Lucifer looks begins him just in time to see Charlie's light saber slide up next to his throat.
"Charlie saves the day," she says proudly.
"Do you?" Lucifer asks with a smirk. "Do you really?"
He rolls away from her light saber — doing a literal summersault to get away. He stands up as quickly as he went down, shooting out a hand in her direction. She freezes, only her eyes darting around nervously.
He walks up to her, his light saber by his side as he circles her in a very dramatic way because how do you not look dramatic while walking slowly and holding Kylo Ren's light saber?
"Did you really think you could beat me? You, just a simple hacker? The Dark Side is more powerful that you could ever understand. Join me..." He whips his light saber up until it's resting just above her shoulder, "or die."
There's laughter from not far away. The three Star Wars fangirls look over to see Michael looking confused and Jo amused at their demonstration.
Lucifer drops his hold on Charlie, deactivating his light saber before tucking it in his pocket. Charlie deactivates hers as well, but keeps it out as if she's expecting a ship to drop an army of battle droids at any second and wants to be prepared. Gabriel just makes his disappear altogether because if he wants one, he can just make it again, so why should he put it away? Although it would probably be more dramatic if he unsheathed it slowly, and wielding weapons like these is all about ambience.
"What's... I'm confused," Michael says.
"Well, you never were the brightest bulb in the box," Lucifer tells him. "You're more like the one you buy from a garage sale only to realize it's already dead and you can't return it so you're kinda stuck with it."
Charlie laughs and gives him a high five for the roast before clarifying quickly for Michael's sake, "Not that I agree. I just thought that was funny."
"But what were you doing?" Michael asks, directed towards Gabriel and Charlie because he's given up on Lucifer. "What are the glowing swords?"
"Light sabers, duh," Charlie replies.
"It's from a series of movies," Jo adds. "You know, Lucifer, I knew your standards were low, but seriously? Kylo Ren? Guess it makes sense, though. You're both wannabe evil geniuses who are really just kids that throw temper tantrums a lot."
Lucifer whips out his light saber and points it at her. "You wanna try that again, bitch?"
"That's not even real," she replies confidently. "Light sabers can't actually exist. Light doesn't work that way."
"It does now."
Lucifer swings his light saber towards her neck, and as soon as it makes contact, Jo cries out in pain. Almost instantly, there's another light saber blocking his from going any further. From the other end of the weapon, Michael pushes his brother away.
When they're out of reach of Jo, Michael gets rid of his light saber and uses the Force — err, his angel telekinesis — to push Lucifer into a wall before stealing his light saber the same way. He destroys that as well as he walks back to Jo.
"Here, hold on," he says, waving a hand over her neck — or what's left of it. The indent disappears, and she's back to normal.
"Okay, I think it's time we separated you two," Gabriel says, looking between Lucifer and Jo.
"Yes, please do," Jo replies. "The less I have to deal with that asshole, the better."
"But I can't kill her if she's far away!" Lucifer whines.
"Okay, yeah, we're separating you two," Gabriel tells them.
"How?" Lucifer challenges. "How do you think you could possibly separate us efficiently? Holy fire in the war room or something?"
"Um..." Gabriel looks to Michael for help, but the older angel just shrugs.
"You don't have to separate us," Jo assures him. "Next time I hear someone screaming, I'll just assume it's Lucifer being a whiny little bitch and not check it out."
"I don't get why you came anyway," Lucifer replies. "I mean, you're just a hunter. And not a very good one. I could pull a Mary Winchester and burn yet another dumb blonde on the ceiling, and you wouldn't be able to stop me, so —"
"Guys!"
Everyone recognizes the voice as Chuck, who's looking annoyed, as is the usual with these guys.
"What do you want now?" Jo snaps.
"Actually, we don't care, so get lost," Lucifer tells him.
"I've literally been trying to get you two to be friends for the last three days, and I swear, you guys hate each other more every single time you see each other."
"I don't think it's possible to hate him any more than I do now," Jo replies.
"Out of the million plus words of the English language, there isn't a single one to describe how much I want to stab her with a chair," Lucifer adds.
"You can't stab someone with a chair, dumbass," Jo snaps.
"It just takes a while until it kills you," Lucifer replies. "More time to listen to you scream."
"Do I have to stick you two in a room together again?" Chuck asks.
"Will there be a torture table in there this time?" Lucifer asks excitedly.
"Just being with you is torture enough," Jo replies.
Chuck throws his hands in exasperation. "I quit! I'm out!"
With that, he disappears, leaving the five of them alone again. No one moves for a few moments, until Lucifer disappears with a flap of his wings.
Michael sighs, looking at the spot his brother once stood in before looking over at Jo. "I'm beginning to wonder if he really hates you or if he just likes threatening people."
"I'm pretty sure it's personal," Jo replies vaguely.
"What happened between you two, anyway?" Charlie asks.
"We..." Jo trails off. What did happen between them? "I mean, he got me killed," she says uncertainly. But that doesn't warrant a threat war. "I yelled at him for scaring Adam and we've hated each other ever since," she summarizes finally.
"That started cuz he scared Adam?" Charlie repeats. "But, like, he's the devil. Scaring people is in the contract. For someone who spent millions of years locked in a cage in Hell, he can actually be pretty chill. And he's a hell of a Sith Lord, too."
"No, Darth Vader is a hell of a Sith Lord. Lucifer's more like Jar Jar."
Charlie laughs at that. "That right there is true hatred."
"Don't I know it," Jo mutters. And he deserves it all.