Jake finds me at lunch and sits across from me.
"I brought you lunch," he's smiling. His smile is so bright and contagious. I can't help but smile myself. He lays out a soda (150), a taco (156), and a salad (100). I wince at the amount of food. Jake senses my discomfort.
"You don't have to eat all of it. Just eat something, please," he pleads with me. I look at him he looks so ridiculous. He makes puppy dog eyes and gives a pout. I sigh loudly and dramatically roll my eyes as I pick up the salad. I see him do a victory dance in my peripheral vision. My hand is shaking as I use the fork to move around the salad.
"Do you want dressing?" he asks me holding out a bottle of ranch.
I shake my head no. Ranch dressing (145) adds fat to the salad. The one thing I don't need. I stab a couple of leaves of lettuce (15) and slowly put it in my mouth. I chew 10 times and swallow.
chew chew chew chew chew chew chew chew chew chew
I repeat this a second time and feel disgusting. Sometimes I just feel so fucking hopeless. I push away the salad.
He looks at me as if he wants to say something, but he doesn't.
"Have some soda," he slides the can of coke (150) over to me. Sadly, it's not diet coke. I pop open the can. The fizz tempts me. I feel the need to throw up.
I slowly set down the Coke. Once I take a sip, I won't be able to control myself.
.
.
.
This chapter is inspired by the book Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. I really recommend it.
p.s. she's counting calories in this chap if you didn't catch on.
-H