Michelle sighed as she closed the last of the spiral notebooks. “I had totally forgotten that you kept a journal about how…about Jord…I mean, about that summer.” She blushed at her awkwardness.
Steph laughed as she folded laundry. “Its okay, Michelle. You can say his name.”
Michelle carefully sat on the corner of the bed, trying not to knock over a pile of socks. “Steph, I just can’t believe you never called him and told him. All those months when you struggled alone…”
“And I just can’t believe we continue to have this conversation every other month!” Steph teased, hanging up what seemed like endless pairs of jeans.
Michelle didn’t smile. “What happens when the twins start asking why they don’t have a daddy like all their friends?”
Steph tried to play it cool. “For your information, they have started asking, and I told them that he’s very busy and doesn’t have time for us right now.”
Michelle raised an eyebrow.
“It’s not a complete lie!” Steph protested.
“I’m not going to argue with you about this.” Michelle stood. “My mom will be dropping Lexi off soon, so I’d better go.”
Steph walked her to the door. “Michelle, after those wonderful five months, I heard absolutely nothing from Jordan. Nothing. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t just run to him. I wanted him to call because he wanted to, not because he felt obligated.” She looked around the apartment. “I haven’t done too badly for myself. You were lucky. You had Alex, even if it didn’t all work out.”
“Okay, okay.” Michelle threw her hands up in defeat.
“Besides, why didn’t you ever call Donnie or Joe?” Steph snapped coldly.
“That’s different. Donnie and I parted as friends. We knew nothing would come of that summer. Joe…well…we’re not going there.” She looked at her watch. “Gotta run. Forgive me?”
Steph smiled and hugged her. “Of course. Don’t forget. Monday night at seven.”
Michelle rolled her eyes and groaned. “I cannot believe you conned me into going to Pizza Hut for dinner!”
“Come on, you know you’ll love it. The twins did so well first and second marking period that I couldn’t say no. And they just love playing with Lexi!”
“Don’t use my daughter as your alibi!” Michelle warned. “You just want another adult along to keep you sane!”
Steph laughed. “Hell yes!” She glanced at the clock. “Oh, I better go, too. I have some charts I need to update.”
“It’s Saturday. Don’t you ever rest? Those big bad paramedics can do without their best emt for a few hours on a Saturday!”
“The more I get done today, the better chance I have of actually leaving the office on time on Monday.” She gently shoved Michelle out the door. “Now, quit nagging me and go pick up your kid!”
“Fine, fine. See you Monday.”
Steph shut the door behind her friend and hurried to change. Even though it was Saturday, she didn’t want to look like a total bum when she went into the office.
She threw on jeans and a UMass sweatshirt, and quickly pulled her hair into a ponytail. As she headed for the door, she once again checked the clock. 2:15. Her 22 year old niece, Jen, had taken the twins to lunch and a movie, and they wouldn’t be back until four or five.
As she walked to her car, she tried desperately to get the conversation with Michelle out of her mind. She always tried to make it seem as if Jordan Knight was past history, but truthfully, she missed him so much it hurt, even after almost a decade.
Her mind wandered as she drove. They had only had a few months together, but Jordan was her one true love, and she could never forget him. The last time she had seen him was the summer’s end, in 1993. He promised he’d call every week, and visit as often as possible. The calls dwindled, and he never visited. The last phone call came on her
18th birthday, in February of 1994 her senior year. She was six months pregnant by then, but still hadn’t told him.
She wanted to share the news with him in person. He promised to come for Christmas, but the holidays came and went without word for him. Steph’s wish for her birthday that year was to make a life for herself and her baby, a life without Jordan Knight. In May, she delivered twins: Marcel Jonathan, and Jordan Marcella.
As Steph took the exit to me 95, Joe McIntyre’s new solo hit came on the radio. She had to smile. Jon had tried to keep in touch, and he had called and written often. She finally stopped communicating with him in 1996. She was afraid he’d want to visit, and then he’d find out about the twins and tell Jordan. In his last letter to her, Jon gave his mother’s phone number, saying she could always reach him there, if she ever needed anything. There had been many times she could have used his help, but pride kept her from calling. She had struggled on her own, with the help of her mother and sister, and friends like Michelle. They watched the twins while she did nursing aid jobs during the day, and took EMT classes at night and some weekends.
As she pulled into the parking lot of the hospital where she worked, she realized how lucky she had been. She had a great job she loved, a nice home, and two great second graders she loved more than life itself. No, she didn’t need Jordan Knight and all his money. She was doing just fine without him.
She dug her keys out of her large bag and let herself into the large three-story building that housed her employer, one of the largest departments in the city of Philadelphia.
As she walked to her desk, she noticed that a few of her squad were in, but she didn’t see any other supervisors. Her willingness to come in for a few hours on the weekend was one of the reasons she had come so far so quickly.
She stopped at the vending machine to pick up a few Cherry Pepsis, then hurried to catch up on trip sheets and emails. Fifteen minutes later, she was typing away at her PC. When she stopped to check a few patient particulars, a framed picture caught her eye. She smiled and picked it up to study it more closely. It was a picture of the twins at six years old, with their younger cousins, Donna and Breanna. The contrast between her twins and her sister’s children always amused her. Donna and Breanna were blond with bright blue eyes, while Marcel and Jordan had the dark hair and eyes of their father.
She frowned and returned the picture to its spot on the desk. Maybe they did need to know who their father was. Maybe Michelle was right. Maybe…
“Penny for your thoughts, or is it a nickel now, with inflation?” A voice shook her out of her reverie.
She looked up to see Nick standing in the doorway. One of the newest newest emts in the department, Nick often requested Steph as his partner, and they worked well together.
He leaned his 6’4” frame against her doorway, and tried to look stern. “I thought I forbade you to come in here today!” His green eyes twinkled at her.
“I thought you were going to the Poconos to go skiing!” She shot back. “Besides, I have plans Monday night, and need to be out of here on time.”
“How are the rascals?” He asked with a smile. He knew automatically that any special plans always involved her family. Having recently split from his wife, he assumed she had gone through a similar situation. No one knew the identity of her children’s father, except for her family and Michelle.
“Hyper. Noisy. Adorable some days in need of Ritalin,” she said proudly.
He laughed and was about to speak when he saw her face suddenly fall. Nick turned to see Mike behind him. He didn’t know Mike well; he was a medic while Steph and Nick were basics, but he could see that Steph was not at all pleased to see him.
“I’ll let you get back to work. Give the twins my love.” Nick sent her a meaningful look. “If you need anything, I’m in dispatch today.”
“Gotcha,” she said, waving as he turned back down the hall. She sighed. “Afternoon, Mike. What’s up?”
“Nothing.” He sat, uninvited, in one of her chairs. He always found a way to have conversations with her, and it unnerved her. She had complained to Michelle about it many times.
“He’s always lurking around corners, waiting to pounce. I don’t’ know when he gets any work done.”
“Tell him to fuck off,” was Michelle’s advice.
“Is there something I can help you with, Mike? My kids will be home soon, and I have a lot to do.”
“I was wondering what your plans were for tomorrow.”
She inwardly groaned. She could tell he had been working up to this for weeks, and hadn’t been looking forward to it.
“I’m sorry, but my friend John is taking the three of us to the Baltimore Aquarium tomorrow.” She nervously ruffled through some files.
“How about next weekend?” He pressed. “I really want to get to know you, Steph. I’ll even take your kids out.”
She put the files down with a slap. “Contrary to what you may think, Mike, my kids are not the key to a date with me. Basically, I don’t date. All I have time for is my job and my kids, okay? “She narrowed her eyes angrily. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get this stuff done.”
He stood. “Your loss.” He left.
She felt like screaming. She counted ten, then turned back to her computer. She punched the keys angrily. If it wasn’t for Jordan Knight, she wouldn’t be alone in the first place. If it wasn’t for Jordan Knight, she wouldn’t be afraid of every man she met, thinking they were out to break her heart. If it wasn’t for Jordan Knight…she wouldn’t have the two most precious things in her life.
She shoved Jordan Knight and all men in general out of her mind and got to work.
When she pulled into her apartment parking lot at five minutes after five, she saw Jenna’s car. She hurried up the three flights of stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator.
“Sorry I’m late!” She called as she flew in the door. Jen, Marcel , and Jordan were at the kitchen table, playing Go Fish.
Jordan ran to her mother and gave her a big hug. “I’m winning, Mommy!” She ran back to the table.
“Good, sweetie.” Steph turned to Jen. “Thanks so much. I got a lot done today.”
“No problem.”
“So, what movie did you see?”
Shrek !” Jordan announced happily.
“Again?” We’ve seen it, Aunt, Michelle took you, and you saw it again today?”
“She sang all the songs the whole way through, Mom, even when I asked her to stop,” Marcel told her reproachfully, glaring at his sister, who stuck her tongue out at him.
“Jordan! Stop it!” Steph scolded. She smiled at her son. He looked so much like his father it sometimes hurt her to look at him. He acted a lot like his Uncle Jon, however, with a serious and quiet demeanor. He watched over Jordan as if he were a lot older, instead of younger by two minutes. Jordan was a perfect mixture of her mother and father. At almost ten years old, she already had a passion for anything musical and a flare for the dramatic.
“What do you want for dinner?” Steph asked Marcel. He suddenly looked guilty, as did Jen.
“We’re…we’re not hungry, Mom. We had nachos and candy and popcorn.”
Steph looked at Jen, who shrugged. “I’m sorry! It’s not often I get to spoil them.”
“Okay, okay. I forgive you. But when one of my kids wakes up at three am with an upset stomach, you know who
I’m calling to take care of it!” She turned to the twins. “Say goodbye and thank you to Jen.”
As they smothered their favorite cousin with hugs, Steph went into Jordan’s bedroom. The apartment had two bedrooms, and each of the twins had one, while she slept on the pullout sofa bed in the living room. She kept her clothes and accessories in Jordan’s room.
As she took her hair down and brushed it, she saw the letter from Jon peeking out from a corner of the top drawer of the dresser. She couldn’t bring herself to throw it out. It was one last tie to…
“Mommy!” Jordan burst into the room, her dark braids flying out behind her. “Can we watch tv?”
“Is your homework done? “Steph asked as she led her daughter back out into the living room.
“Aw, Mommy, it’s just some coloring!” Jordan complained.
“Too bad. Uncle John is coming early tomorrow to pick us up, and we’ll probably get back late. Sit down at the table and color, while your brother cleans his room.” She looked pointedly at her son, who made a face but went back to his room.
Steph got out her charts and sat by Jordan to keep an eye on her. Like she herself was, Jordan was easily distracted.
“Mommy, why don’t you marry Uncle John?” Jordan asked suddenly. Steph’s head snapped up.
“What in the world made you ask that? “Steph questioned a laugh.
“Well, I’ve been thinking. He loves you, and is always making those goo goo eyes at you,” she said earnestly. “And he’d be a great daddy.”
Steph’s hands started to shake, as they always did whenever either of the twins mentioned the word “daddy”. “Well, we’re not getting married, and that’s that!” She snapped. “Now, finish your homework so you can watch TV!”
She stood up and went into the bathroom to hide when the tears came. Dammit, Jordan Knight, why did you ever have to be born?
Sunday passed uneventfully, as the twins ran through the Aquarium, with John and Steph lagging not too far behind. They held hands, as they always did, but after Jordan’s remarks the night before, Steph had begun to wonder if it was such a good idea. Did he really stare at her?
“John, why aren’t you dating anyone?” She asked suddenly. He looked surprised.
“Um, too busy, I guess. Maybe I’m waiting around for you.” He winked
“Stop it! I’m serious.”
“So am I.” His green eyes gazed into her hazel eyes. She blushed. She was saved by her son.
“Mommy! Mommy! There’s a special dolphin room!” He said excitedly.
“Awesome,” she said absentmindedly. She loved dolphins.
John laughed, once again her best friend. “Go on down to the lounge. We’ll meet you there.”
She sat at a small table in the back, only half paying attention to a nearby television. She perked up when she heard the phrase “Ex-New Kid on the Block”. It was an interview with Donnie Wahlberg, about his new show, Boomtown There were many clips of all the guys, and tears rolled unnoticed down Steph’s face.
“Mommy, we bought this for you!” Jordan ran up, waving something in Steph’s face. It was a stuffed dolphin
“That was so nice of you, sweetie,” she said, hurriedly wiping away the tears.
“Are you okay, Mom?” Her son looked concerned and serious. The spitting image of Jon, she thought.
“Yes, honey, just tired. Let’s go home.” The twins wailed in protest. “Fine. We can stay here longer, or you can go to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow with Aunt Michelle and Lexi.”
“Okay,” they finally conceded. Marcel took Steph’s hand, and John swung Jordan up onto his shoulders.
As the twins slept in the back seat on the way home, John said softly, “It’s one of them, isn’t it?”
“One of who?” Steph’s mind had been on all the trip sheets she had waiting for her back at base.
“One of those guys in that group. That summer you told me about up in Boston. Your freshman year at UMass One of those guys is…” Steph’s silence told him he was right. He quietly exploded. “Why isn’t he here with you? Where was he when you were practically starving? He has all that money, why are you living in a two bedroom apartment?”
“John, enough!” She snapped. “He wasn’t here because he doesn’t know! I never told him!”
“What?” He was shocked.
“He was supposed to come see me right after I realized I was pregnant, but I never heard from him again.” She started to cry. “And I wasn’t going to get him just to get his support. I love him so much, but I want him to want to be with me.”
John reached over and squeezed her hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“No one knows, except my family and Michelle. “I don’t want anyone’s pity.”
“I love you, do you know that? If you’d just give me a chance, I could make it all up to you.”
She smiled through her tears. “Yes, I know. And I love you, too. But it just wouldn’t be right.”
They held hands the rest of the way home.