Not His Juliet by K. Jessica Ramirez
Chapter 11:
The light buzz I felt earlier in the night is nothing but a drifting memory. I can't feel anything anymore and can I just take a moment to exclaim how amazing that is! The music blaring around Austin and I is some type of country music that I've never heard before. Now I know I must be shit faced drunk because I think I might just like this song. Let me just remind you that I've spent the last seven or so years listening to pure classics. Yeah I'm beyond drunk.
But I can't make myself care. I want to be drunk. I want to stop caring about everything. Hard liquor has always given me that sweet escape. Coming with Austin is just a plus. I'm sure I could have gotten drunk on my own but something about me just wants to be with Austin. Plus I'd more than likely go looking for a face to smash in therefore having Austin with me also aids in that area of keeping this town safe another night.
"Austin?" I ask my eyes wondering around the pub.
I didn't even notice the dance floor when we arrived or anything besides the bar really. But in my defense I was in need of a drink or ten, still am. All I'm saying is if Austin offers to buy a third bottle of tequila I'm all for it.
Anyways after our second or was it our fourth bottle? Anyhow after being sufficiently declared drunk I noticed more and more people arriving into this small town pub. Maybe it's the only one in town. That would not surprise me. Did you know the population of this town is 200? I've never seen such a small town, ever.
That might be why there seems to be zero connection to the outside world. I still have my laptop hidden away in my carry on along with my IPhone and emergency phone. Maybe I could call Avery later on and get her to make my IPhone a hot spot so I can start working.
Okay I'm getting off topic the point is everyone’s dancing and drink and having a good time. Austin and I are seated in the far back drowning our sorrows or more like mine. I'm sure Austin only agreed because he's a good friend or maybe he's just a guy who loves to get drunk. Let's go with the first one though it makes me feel special.
"Yeah darlin'?" Austin answers his words just the tiniest bit slurred.
I smile involuntarily at Austin. Gosh he's cute; okay he's more than cute. I'll admit this man does things to me. I know I can never have him but it's a nice fantasy. One where I can be happy and where that’s the only thing that matters. Or you know lock him away in his bedroom chaining him to the bed. Okay I'm drunk and horny, not good.
"You’re the best you know that?" I comment still sporting that stupid lopsided smile on my face.
Austin turns to me and laughs playfully. His laughter is so beautiful. His laughter reminders me of deep beautiful color brown and I have no idea why but I want to listen to it over and over again. His laughter alone could bring world peace, I'm sure of it.
Gosh this man will be the death of me. Come to think of it I've never thought about my death more than the second I stepped foot on Texas land. I have to say though dying in the arms of this Greek god would be the best way to go. Maybe this trip wasn't such a bad idea at the very least I've made one friend to help me survive through the many weeks of torture to come.
"What?" I ask shoving his shoulder playfully.
I grab the tequila bottle and serve myself another shot tipping it back. It no longer burns my throat on the way down instead only warming it a bit. Plus with every shot the hard liquor only makes me feel even more carefree. Have I mentioned I'm a great drunk? Now that's a story for another night, hopefully one where I'm just as drunk with Austin by my side.
"You a walking whiskey vat" Austin answers serving himself another shot.
"Huh?"
Obviously I'm not drunk enough if I still can't understand this damn cowboy lingo. It's like a whole other language. One I'm betting I'll learn soon enough if I stick around Austin long enough. Which I fully intend to. Austin laughs again shaking his head at my non-understanding.
"It means you a heavy drinker" Austin informs me tipping his drink back in one gulp.
I wink at him and take another shot. Did I just wink? Angela White does not wink, like ever. Oh I am so drunk. Isn't drinking a sin? I think it is. Yup I'm going to hell. Or worse, I'll be featured on a special on Jerry Springer. I can already see my mother disown me.
"Hey..." Austin say bring me out of my thoughts.
He tips my chin up to make us eye level.
"What's gotcha scowlin'?"
I sigh at his observation. I may just be drunk enough to tell him my sorrows now, I just hope he's drunk enough to forget them come morning.
"My mother, the perfect flawless Isabella White," I start making quotes with my finger as I describe her.
I can't help but notice the bitterness in my voice. Guess alcohol really brings out your true feelings huh? A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
"Would have my ass if she ever saw me drunk in a small town pub with some man that's not my husband. Actually thinking of it she'd probably have a heart attack by the mere thought that I even know your name." I laugh darkly.
Leave it to my mother to ruin my drunken happiness when she isn't even here. Austin says nothing but he's looking at me so I know he's listening. I continue anyways. If he's willing to listen I'm willing to confess, under the influence of course. I drown another shot.
"She wants me to be this perfect person with perfect everything. I think she might actually believe that one day you'll be able to search the definition of perfect in the dictionary and find my damn picture alongside of hers of course. Gosh she's just so suffocating you know?"
"I'm always Miss Perfect nothing matters more than being perfect. I can never please her though. I graduate from the best University in the country top of my class, valedictorian actually and you know what she did?"
I drown another shot before continuing.
"Nothing. It wasn't a great enough accomplishment for her. So I go and I god damn cry, sweat, and bleed for my company. I build the most successful publishing company in New York and still nothing. The only time I knew I was even close to getting her approval was the second I told her about my engagement to James."
"I'm no one to her if I don't have the perfect house, job, and man by my side." I finish bitterly.
I wave at the bartender for another bottle this time I order whiskey. Might as well go all the way right? I turn back to Austin to watch him absorb all the information I've just given him. Dear Santa, the Easter Bunny, and even Jack Frost please let him forget all my problems come morning. I don't need his pity. This is my life I'm use to sacrificing everything for everyone else. Gosh why did I open my big fat mouth?
The bartender brings over the bottle and I serve myself another shot. I might as well tell him the whole story while I'm at it. Maybe then he'd even decided he'd want nothing to do with such a fucked up girl. Guess I can kiss goodbye to our new friendship. Oh well, maybe it's for the better. Austin is a distraction from the mission. The mission of marring James even when his family is hell bent on convincing him otherwise.
"When I was thirteen my- umm father Stark Rebelle" I start forcing myself to leave all emotion out of my voice.
I haven't spoken his name since the day he left even though I've thought about it I've never spoken it again. However I won't let him get to me. Stark does not deserve my tears or my pain. He gets nothing because he is nothing to me anymore.
I had heard from an old neighborhood friend of mine who continues to stick around my childhood town, since I don't dare step foot in it since the day I left, that Nikki had changed her last name back to Rebelle on her nineteenth birthday. Stark may still mean something to her but to me he is nothing. That maybe the only thing mother and I share.
"He divorced my wonderful mother" I said making my voice sound darkly sarcastic on the comment of my mother but force myself to push emotion away and continue.
"When the divorce was finalized he up and left. He never told me or Nikki anything. Years passed and not a single letter or call came. Less than a fuck was given on my part but his departure broke my mother and then following broke Nikki. When he left my mother became obsessed with perfect and Nikki was never included in this dream of perfection."
I swallowed hard as I retell the story. I've never shared my side of the story to anyone, ever. Back in New York I had a therapist, Doctor Diaz to his patients but Dillon Diaz to his friends. He is my therapist, has been for years, but I could never make myself revel anything to him that would make him realize my life is anything but perfect. My mother had taught, or better yet brainwashed me well, I couldn't bring even my doctor to help me because I wouldn't let him. No one could know I wasn't the living proof of perfection. Or at least that’s what my mother has made me believe over the years.
I'm stuck trying to live this perfect life.
"Stark left, Mother became obsessed with perfection, and Nikki took consonance in drug use. I had nothing left there. I left but I didn't leave unaffected. My mother clung to me and forced upon me her desire to be perfect. So I never saw Stark again, Nikki became a long lost memory of a time everything was okay, and I fell into my mother goal of perfection."
"I'm going to marry James because I have to. James Jackson even being the insufferable asshole he's recently become is the only type of happy ever after’s people like me get. James gives me an even more perfect image. He makes my mother happy." I conclude sighing.
I down another shoot. I can't even remember how many I've had. Has to be a lot for me to even speak any of those things out loud. I can't remember a time where I've ever spoken so freely to anyone. But something about Austin makes me want to open up. I can't explain why but I trust him. I've shown him all the demons that haunt me and I've allowed him a peek of the scared little girl who isn't powerful. The girl who every man in her life has fucked over and broken her heart. No one sees that little girl, ever. Not since Stark left.
We're surrounded by our own silence but I can't make myself care. Silence with Austin is confortable no matter what kind of conversation we've just had. Austin makes me feel normal. Something I didn't even know was a realistic feeling for someone like me.
"You know what I think?" Austin asks turning towards me breaking the silence.
I move my eye from my drink up to meet his. I nod at him signaling for him to continue.
"I think you need to keep your head high"
I sigh and lower my eyes back to my drink. He wants me to continue to stay strong along with everyone else in my life. I'm good at being strong, even better at being tough, but I'm getting tired of being those things.
"Hey I'm not finished" Austin says tipping my head up to meet his with his hand.
I shiver internally at his touch. Shaking off the feeling I tell him to continue with my eyes.
"You need to keep your head high but keep your middle finger higher" He concludes.
I smile involuntarily at his thought. Only this man could give such a ridiculous and silly advice with complete sincerity.
"Oh yeah I'll get right on that. Is this high enough for you?" I reply playfully literally raising my middle finger higher.
Austin laughs at me and I can't help but join him. As our laghter dies out he comments once again.
"You know what I mean you silly beautiful girl" Austin says playfully swatting my arm.
I nervously laugh lowering my arm. Did he just call me beautiful? Oh my fuck I think my ovaries just exploded. Fuck I need to get it together!
"Wanna dance?" Austin says standing and offering my hand.
I laugh at him shaking my head at his ridiculous offer.
"What? Come one please!" He begs making his eyes look innocent and wide while sticking his bottom lip out just a little bit.
Could he get even more adorable?
"You are even drunker than I thought." I reply laughing at his puppy dog face.
"Oh come on, please." He begs making even his eyes look even more wide and innocent.
Okay I take it back he's officially even more adorable.
"No." I say trying to sound defiant but the smile playing on my lips ruins all efforts.
"What did you say? Yes? Okay, come on." He says pulling on my arms successfully standing me up.
"Austin!" I complain but follow behind him anyways.
I turn to catch sight of the bartender look at us curiously.
"Better watch yourself Walker you know that's Jackson's girl as much as everyone else in town does." The bartender warns but something about him tells me he won't be snitching us off to James any time soon.
"Not tonight. This little lady is all mine." He replies before continuing to walking off towards the dance floor again.
I feel my face instantly heat up at his words. All his, now that's a fun fantasy. I turn back around to watch the bartender shake his head but there's a smile on his lips. Guess we're in the clear.
Austin pulls me onto the dance floor and soon were surrounded by other couples dancing along to the country music. Again I state I'm really super-duper drunk and I'm kind of enjoying this music. It's weird I know.
"Austin." I say as my eyes glance around us worriedly.
"Yeah?" He says standing still in front of me.
Gosh he smells so good. What was I going to say to him? Oh yeah that I can't dance.
"I can't dance." I say.
"Huh?" Austin replies coming closer to hear me.
More couples join us on the dance floor making it even more crowded. Austin is pressed up against me. I lean up and repeat myself into his ear. He shivers from my voice and I force myself to stop from exploding right there.
Austin looks at me for a moment before signaling for me to wait here. He makes his way off the dance floor and I stare after him completely freaking out even more. Did he just leave me alone on a dance floor? I am suddenly very much sober and going to kill him. My eyes are wide I'm sure and I am cursing Austin for leaving me alone when I hear the DJ guy announce something that halts my murderous thoughts.
"This next song is for all you cow bunnies it's called Somebody's Heartbreak by Hunter Hayes"
The song starts playing and it's the first slow song of the night. I'm making a wild guess and saying 'cow bunnies' means sweethearts.
I feel a hand on my lower back and immediately grab hold of the hand and turn around ready to break the drunken asshole who dares lay a hand on me when I realize its Austin.
"Whoa! Do you plan on beddin' me down? What are you an FBI agent?" Austin asks playfully.
I release him and give him my best 'I'm completely lost on whatever the hell your saying please speak English' face. He understands immediate.
"Beddin' down means to kill a man." Austin informs.
Austin and I are the only ones standing on the dance floor not actually dancing. I'm sure all the couples are annoyed with us but I'm still too drunk to care. I nod in understanding at Austin.
"So will you dance with me now?" Austin asks looking impossibly cute.
I look around and realize everyone is only slow dancing. Well I think I can manage slow dancing. Or I at least hope I can. Wouldn't want Austin to lose a toe so soon in our friendship.
I nod at him and he takes me into his arms. I gingerly wrap my arms around his neck pulling us even closer. He rests his warm hands on my waist holding me against him. I let my head rest on his chest feeling for maybe the first time in all my life I'm closer to the definition of happiness than I have in a long time. I feel so content in his arms. Like he could shield me from the rest of the world with him arms alone.
He lets his head rest on top of mine as we sway lightly to the music. The song ends too soon and is replaced by a faster song which I don't believe I can manage. I regrettably peel myself off of Austin and turn to get back to our table. Maybe another drink can make me forget how amazing it feels to be in his arms. I'm stopped short by his arm holding onto my wrist. I look up at him confused.
"I need to do what I would have if Jessie hadn't interrupted us that morning." Austin whispers and pulls me closer to him until were chest to chest, centimeters apart.
I feel my eyes drift down to his lip. His lips part and his tongue darts out wetting his bottom one. My heart accelerates faster than ever. Austin takes my face in his hands and place his lips on mine. I'm momentarily frozen in shock but soon enough my drunk brain starts to function again and I kiss him back.
Our lips mold around each other perfectly. There is no awkwardness in our kiss. Just pure perfection. For the first time in as far back as I can remember I don't ever want to pull away from a kiss. I don't want to break it.
Maybe I was wrong, maybe that passion you read in books, the one that makes shivers go down your arms and your knees go weak, maybe it's real. Or at least that kind of passion is real because boy does this boy kiss with that passion.
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