"Dan! He's home!" My papa cried as he swung his warm arms around my cold and wet shoulders without letting me get inside.
I bit my lip and closed my eyes, trying not to let out any sign of pain as I hugged him back.
"He's home?" I heard my dad shout back from upstairs, followed by a cluster of footsteps.
I was glad that they missed me, although it only made me feel even more guilty about not coming home sooner. It had to have been well past midnight by the time I got the energy to walk my ass back home.
A second pair of arms tightened around my waist as my dad rushed to my side. We stood in silence for a few minutes, the rain dampening us slightly.
"I-I'm fine," I stuttered weakly.
The grip around me loosened as they pulled away from our embrace. My dad sighed and kissed my head before pulling me inside and shutting the door.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, looking at the puddle forming on the carpet from my dripping clothes.
"We're just glad you're safe," my dad cried and kissed my forehead, pulling me into another hug.
"Come on now, lets get you changed, you're going to get sick," my papa said warmly.
My dad pulled away from our embrace and turned to my papa, tears in his fragile brown eyes.
"It's okay babe. He's home safe now," my papa cooed and pulled him into a tight hug.
It wasn't like my dad to ever cry, he was always so secretive with his emotions. So to see him crying, really hit home for me. He must have been really hurt to see me disappear, especially after finding out that I wasn't the best mentally.
"I didn't mean to upset you," I apologized with a frown.
"We were just worried something happened to you," my papa explained and played with my dads hair as he let out some soft sobs. "Just glad you're home safe."
Tears began to sting my face once more and I dropped my bag on the floor by my feet, my lip quivering. I quickly fled up the stairs to my bedroom, shutting my door tightly behind me before dropping to the floor. Tears escaped from my eyes, falling as long heavy sobs shook my body.
Intrusive thoughts took over my brain as I cried alone on my bedroom floor. I really was a terrible son, wasn't I? Admitting to my dad that I self harmed and then taking off for the entire day, really wasn't a good combination.
After what felt like a lifetime of tears my crying settled, allowing me to finally change out of my damp clothes. I put on a pair of dry clothes I found on my floor, not caring if they matched or not. I wiped my dried tears from my cheeks and gathered up my wet clothes from the floor.
I tossed them over the edge of the bath tub to dry. On my way out I caught a glance of myself in the mirror that caused me to pause and stare. I looked terrible with my bloodshot eyes and messy dripping hair. Somehow my parents still loved me, despite the mess I was in. I glanced down at my left wrist, my wounds from earlier had already began to dry up. Damn, I did it good this time.
My lip quivered as I walked back into the bathroom and turned on the sink. Bandaid's would hurt too much, so washing the dried blood stains from my arm was the only option. The soap stung terribly, but the last thing I needed was an infection. My dad's didn't deserve anything else to worry about.
I turned off the tap and dried my arm with a fresh hand towel, and threw it in the hamper before walking back to my room. I rummaged around my room to find a grey sweater that I had stolen from my dad. It was a little too big, which was perfect for hiding the evidence of pain. I pulled it over my head and made my way back downstairs.
It was pretty late at night now, at least one or two in the morning. I bet my dads were pretty tired, I knew I was. I crept into the living room where I found a plate of fresh cookies and a cup of milk sitting on the coffee table. I figured that they would have gone to sleep.
"Dad? Papa?" I called out in confusion as I hesitantly sat on the couch.
"Hey Dilly, want to watch a movie with me?" My dad asked as he joined me on the sofa wearing some of my papas pj's.
I shrugged as I looked back over at him with a soft smile, "I have school tomorrow."
He shook his head as he got comfortable, "You can stay home again to rest. You've had a long day haven't you?"
I nodded guiltily, "I suppose I have. Yeah."
"Louise called me and told me you've had a little fight?" he asked a bit hesitantly, not wanting to open old wounds.
I looked down at my feet, feeling terrible about what I had done to make their day worse. It wasn't my place to yell at Louise, even if she was being kind of a bitch.
"I'm sorry. I don't know whats wrong with me," I apologized and hung my head low.
"Nothing is wrong with you, Dil. She shouldn't have said what she did. But I do agree that we don't spend enough time getting to know each other," he explained with a smile.
I looked back up at him, tilting my head slightly with confusion. Is this what the cookies were for? A family night of getting to know each other sounded like what I needed right now.
"So, how about I tell you something about myself that you don't know and then you do the same. Got it?" He asked, his warm brown eyes glowing with anticipation.
If this is what it took to get closer to them, I would do it. I nodded happily and waited for him to begin his little game.
"I'll go first," he told me nervously before clearing his throat. "I'm Dan Howlter, formally Dan Howell. On the outside I look as happy as can be. But I think it's time that I told you that i'm not as happy as I look either."
I furrowed my eyebrows and quickly looked around the room for my papa, who was nowhere to be seen. I waited for his explanation in hopes he would say something positive. If he was going to divorce my papa, I would probably cry for the rest of the night.
"I thought I had lost you today, forever. Immediately I blamed myself for knowing what was wrong but choosing to ignore it. I could have stayed home with you and been a better father. It's just hard to stay home as of lately, because I found out that i'm- sick," He explained and covered his face with a small sniffle.
What did he mean he was sick? I shook the bad thoughts from my mind as best I could and pulled my dad into a warm hug, "Dad the last thing I want you to do is blame yourself. I'll be fine, as long as I have you and papa."
A thought suddenly popped into my mind as he let go of me, "Hold on a second, I have something for you."
I stood and headed for the front closet, where I knew my papa would have hung my bag. I pulled it open and grabbed my sketchbook from my bag. I exhaled before hugging it in my arms. My dad needed this more than I did now. I nodded to myself before walking back to the living room.
"I want you to have this," I told him as I placed my sketchbook in his lap.
His eyes widened as I sat beside him, "Y-Your sketchbook?"
I nodded, "My whole life is in that book. Every emotion or thought I've ever had."
"Why are you giving this to me Dil?" he questioned as he wiped his tearing eyes.
I smiled weakly as he looked down at the cover, "I think it'll help you know me better."
"Dil I-" he looked at me once more for approval, making sure that he could actually open it.
I nodded with a friendly smile, "I think it'll help you through your rough times, like it helped me through mine."
My dad ran his soft finger tips along the leathery cover, hesitant to open it. I smiled as I watched him look down at it in awe.
"Open it," I encouraged with a little nudge.
My thoughts screamed at me not to let him inside. I could always get another sketchbook, but I could never replace my dad. He deserved it after dealing with my shit all these years. He was the best dad in the world. Sure my thoughts were a little dark at times, but I think this is better than trying to explain my feelings.
I watched as he pulled the cover open, revealing the first drawing I ever did. A sketch from last Christmas after he gave me the book as a gift. I remember how long it took me to complete. I looked down at the very detailed drawing. My parents and myself hugged as we stood in front of a glowing fireplace, the words 'Family Is Forever' titling the page. I looked back to my dad, who was very teary eyed.
"Are you okay, dad?" I asked and put a hand on his shoulder.
"I am now. Thank you so much Dil. This is the best gift that anyone could have ever given me," he gushed as he wiped some fresh tears.
"Of course," I smiled and laid my head down on his shoulder as we flipped through the first few pages together.