Chapter Twenty-Five
-Now-
What on Earth did she mean it wasn't Lucy? Who else could it be? It WAS her. I was convinced. It looked just...just like her...
I had been driving like a crazed man almost in my struggle to get to Chantelle's house. I was lucky she had thought to text me her address after she put the phone down because otherwise I'd have been shit out of luck.
Considering she lived where our high school was and Luke lived in the city, it was actually more unbelievable that they had stayed in touch. She was about a thirty minute drive from the city which is no mean feat.
My mind was hardly on how they had managed to keep up a friendship though when all I could picture was how defeated Lucy had looked when she left that office. What got her involved with Tony fucking Holt? Why her as well?
Why of all people did Lucy's life have to be ruined? What did her parents think? Her dad must be sick with worry – he was always on the strict side but you could see the love for his daughters. I bet he was devastated.
I bet he hated me even more than he already did. He only put up with me because he knew that Megan loved me. We weren't the sort to sit and watch the game together, hell the one time I went to a football game with him, he belittled me the whole way through. When I didn't turn up at the funeral, I bet that just proved his point that I wasn't good enough for her.
He was right – I lied to her for years in an effort to keep her safe and it didn't even matter, she suffered anyway. Lives were lost for my mistakes. I should never have been arrogant enough to believe that I could balance both lives. How could I have been so fucking stupid?
I slammed my hands on the steering wheel in frustration and bashed my head against the headrest. My knuckles were as white as the headlights in front of me as they tightened more on the wheel. The feeling of inner hatred and turmoil only stirred more as I approached her house.
I was the same now as I was back then. I am trying to mask it by 'saving' my siblings. Who was I kidding? I couldn't save them – I couldn't save myself. Maybe it was better if I just disappeared again? If I carried on driving down this road I could be back on the motorway in ten minutes and back at my flat and away from all of this mess before the night was over.
I sighed, I wasn't giving up. Lucy was my only connection to Megan and I wasn't letting her waste her life away again. I was going to Chantelle's and I was confirming what I already know then I was going to go back to that place and get her out of there.
That was that. I don't care what Chantelle said – that was Lucy and there was no changing my mind.
*****
I stood up, my head shaking in denial. "I don't believe you. I won't believe you." I muttered. How can it be true?
Chantelle stood up with me, I could see the sympathy and hurt in her eyes and she looked so honest but what she was saying was impossible.
"It was Lucy – I know it was."
"Jamie, it isn't. I am sorry." She replied. "Luke, please tell him."
My eyes darted to him in betrayal. Luke knew? He sat there while Chantelle told me everything and he knew all along? I had been here days and he hadn't brought it up once! It had been three years!
I could feel the anger at the situation starting to get the better of me. "Calm down." Luke told me as he stayed sat on the sofa.
CALM DOWN! "How the fuck can you ask me to calm down?" I snapped, my breathing flaring out of my nostrils. "Don't you fucking dare."
Chantelle looked alarmed but I couldn't control this rage inside of me. "Listen to him Jamie. We can explain everything." She pleaded. "Just sit down. Luke, go and make him a cup of tea." She commanded.
"I don't-"
"I would do as she says Luke." I spat. He was my best friend. He was supposed to have back – tell me everything and he neglected to mention or even bring up the one thing that has had me running for the past three years. How could he do that to me?
I genuinely felt hurt but the anger was overtaking and if I even heard his voice I was going to flip. I couldn't let it get to that. I had to listen to them both. This can't end up like Zak.
I clenched my fists and counted to ten as I tried to even out my breathing.
I collapsed back onto the black, leather sofa, my head in my hands and eyes closed. How could this have happened? I held her in my arms!
"How?" I mumbled. "How could she have survived?"
Chantelle moved to sit next to me and wrapped her arms around me. Her hands were freezing but also barely noticeable with the turmoil going round and round my brain.
She was rubbing a hand up and down my back and it was vaguely comforting.
"They managed to revive her in the ambulance, just. She was in such a bad way Jamie." She told me. "When I received the phone call from her mum I rushed down there as fast as I could and she was an absolute mess. What those bastards did to her – I will never forgive them."
I gulped. "It was my fault. Everything was." I admitted. My heart sunk further at the admittance.
"No it wasn't. What those monsters did to her – you had no control over it."
I glanced to the side to see her face. I wasn't sure if she knew and was keeping quiet to comfort me or if she genuinely didn't know that it was my fault. It was unnerving. How much do I tell her? I couldn't read her face at all.
"They're all dead now."
"Yes, so I have heard. Doesn't bring back the trauma that she went through though, does it?"
"What happened next?" I asked. I needed to know. It had better be a damn good excuse for Luke to lie to me! I was so confused over everything. When I held her in my arms, she was dead. Her heartbeat had stopped – who was in her ambulance? Fucking Superman?
"She didn't wake for nineteen days – the doctors thought she would wake up brain damaged – I mean, she obviously lost..." She faltered.
"She lost the baby. You can say it Chantelle. Our baby daughter died three weeks before her due date. It happened." She winced at how cold I spoke but I was hurt from the secrecy.
A part of me wanted them to hurt as well.
"Jamie." Luke tutted. "It isn't our fault."
"How? I could have been there for her! I would never have left if I knew she was alive!" I protested. "Nobody mattered more than Megan, if I'd have known..."
"You had no choice – you had to run. We all know you did. Megan was too ill to even move for three months. Do you really think she would have come with you? It is harsh Jamie but she was mourning the death of her daughter. How do you think she felt? She sure as hell didn't feel like jumping on the first flight to Australia."
Did he really just fucking ask that? "Do you mean the feeling of having your heart ripped out of your chest repeatedly? Like trying to kill yourself so you can go and meet them? Because in that deep and dark depression, all senses go out of the fucking window and the chance that you could close your eyes for good but somehow meet the love of your life and your child again sounds plausible? Like it is an actual possibility? I was grieving for both so don't give me that bullshit."
He winced. "Bad choice of words, I know." He admitted and passed me the cup of tea. I placed it between my feet on the floor. I wasn't really in the mood.
"Why didn't you tell me? Who else knows she isn't dead?" If he says Lexi and Zak I will go on a rampage.
"Most people – Lexi and Zak don't though. We kept it quiet, kept them away under the pretence that the family didn't want to see them... because of you... which to be fair wasn't far from the truth."
I glared at him. He was starting to get very liberal with his words and I didn't like it. I know what I did and I don't want to be reminded of it when all I want is answers.
"Luke!" Chantelle cried. "Give it a rest!"
He glared at her. "No I won't. There isn't anybody on this world I care about more than Jamie. He is my brother but he needs telling and it needs to be the truth. It isn't easy and having kept this secret for three years has almost killed me." He admitted. He turned to me, a sad smile gracing his lips. "I have wanted to tell you for so long Jamie, you have to understand that."
There was a quiet determination in his blue eyes and I knew he was telling the truth – of course he was, he was Luke. He was my best friend, loyal to a fault and he's known me all my life.
It just hurt.
If this was anybody but Megan I wouldn't be this riled up, this angry, this confused but it WAS Megan – she was the love of my life. She meant the world to me and they led me to believe she was dead.
"If you are my best friend – explain to me why I was kept in the dark about this. Why now? What caused her to turn to stripping her clothes off for dirty, old men in Kingston?"
Chantelle took my hand in her own, rubbing smaller circles over the back of my hand. Luke appeared uncomfortable at the gesture, so gently I took it away and leant further back into the sofa to put a bit of distance between us. Whatever that meant – I wasn't accepting it.
We were both waiting for Luke to explain but he didn't look like he wanted to. "Come on, you said I deserve the truth – tell me."
His eyes flickered to Chantelle and I knew what he was getting at. "Chantelle, there are some things I have left out when I've told you about me, Jamie and Jay."
Her back stiffened. "Pardon?"
At least it confirmed what I suspected all along – she didn't know about what we used to do.
"You know about our dodgy dealings but they were a lot further than you think and when I explain to Jamie about Megan, some of that is going to come up. Now please don't get upset and please listen and I will explain everything later." He reassured, his eyes pleading to her. He actually looked scared.
"I don't like the sound of this..." She trailed off. She still hadn't relaxed.
"And you won't." Luke told her straight. "But we will explain everything later. Right, Jamie?"
I glowered at him from behind her but nodded anyway. I didn't like speaking about the past – he knows that and I especially don't want to tarnish my image completely with Chantelle. It is refreshing to know that she doesn't look at me like I'm a monster. Like Zak and now Lexi.
She turned to face me, the messy bun in her hair flopping to the side at the movement. She did look like she had just been rudely awakened – the cup of coffee hadn't done anything. She had dark rings under her eyes and a few blackheads covering her nose.
Despite the flaws though, you could tell she was pretty. She always had been, it was usually her gob that used to get on my wick. Since I got back though, the two encounters we have had, they've been good. She was completely different to who she used to be, it was refreshing.
I got up off the sofa and went to sit on the chair below the window. "You will probably want to be as far away from me as possible when you hear everything." I explained to her confused look. "Anyway Luke, begin."
I did take the cup of tea and took a sip. "Have you got any whiskey?"
"Top cupboard in the sideboard." She pointed to the draw but did not look too happy about it. Probably because she knew I was stalling. I poured some into my mug and gestured to the other two. They both accepted.
I closed the cupboard but kept the bottle out. I have a feeling I'll be needing more of that stuff.
SO. MEGAN IS STILL ALIVE.
Also how have you all been? I will have finished my first year at university on Friday... can't freaking wait. I had an exam today on Ethics, Globalisation and Brexit and I'm not too confident tbf but I'm not going to dwell too much because otherwise I won't sleep.
I've also been watching Archer on Netflix and I am in love with a cartoon character. Legit.