Last time: "That's the plan" I laughed again. I heard the shower turn on and I rolled over in bed. I drifted off to sleep content with knowing I would wake up to the love of my life.
I fell asleep thinking nothing in the World could disturb us.
Dear Journal,
"Why is it the exams are over, and we're still studying" Rebecca groaned as she closed the file on her bed.
"It's the mission to take them out, and we only have a month until graduation. And then after that our chances would dwindle almost to zero" I said nonchalantly as I read the file in my hand.
"I hate it when you tell me things, I don't wanna hear" he said as she picked up another file. Papers were strewn across my bed and I glanced at my phone, it read 10:30. I sighed as I leaned back, Becca and I were possibly the only seniors in all of Miami that were home on a Friday night. Maybe the both of us had been putting this off, even unspoken we knew what it meant when we finally found a plan.
"I found something" she exclaimed as she lunged over the bed. She handed me a small journal as she spread out an old newspaper clipping.
"What is it"
"Well they don't keep exact records of what they do, and when they do they use code words that only top members understand. So, I was looking at these records from 1997 and it says '...Flames, Shozing lit them at the warehouse gala to gang and protect...' which made no sense until I looked at a newspaper from 1997 which says 'Student lights fire at local high school's prom'" she said as she pointed to the clippings.
"Sean doesn't tell me much about the gang, but he did mention how Prom was like big deal. Apparently a lot of shady shit goes down there, below the surface" I said as I crossed my arms, "But if we're about to take them down there, how we know it's worth it?"
"That's what was bothering me for so long but then I looked at all the records. It's like they use the night as a business gala, like big dealing and such. Call me crazy, but if the night's so important I could almost bet all the higher ups will be there" she said as though was piecing it all together.
"So we call in backup taking them by surprise" I nodded. I could feel this abyss open in the bottom of my stomach,
"And, since you and Sean are set to win prom king and queen, we should take him out. Without their head, they'd be scrambling" she said but the excitement died out from her voice. It was all getting too real, the imminent thought that we were plotting to take down our friends. I didn't even know why I was having such a hard time, it was just some stupid mission. Why was I struggling?
"Can you be the one to shoot Sean" I say in a barely audible whisper, she nodded as she climbed into my lap. He small arms wrapped around me as we laid in bed together. I knew I couldn't do it. Even if I didn't say it out loud, I loved him. It was selfish of me, to let him love me then stab him in the back. But I didn't care, I just wanted to experience his love. And it wasn't just because of Sean, I loved my friends. I couldn't imagine stabbing them in the back, they were the only people that I knew would do anything for me.
I let my mind drift to a fantasy. Turn my back on the agency and tell them not to go. They would have ahead start move somewhere where no one could find them, especially not me. The agency would never know it was me and they would be safe.
Even more selfishly I let myself think about going with them. Running away, from everything. i wouldn't have to kill any other person. No one would find us, out in the middle of the woods. Waking up to Sean in a cabin and spending the day gardening, before we hung out with our friends for dinner. But I shook the thought away, the Agency would never let me leave. They would hunt me down till they found me and every person who helped me died.
But I wouldn't let them die that night. I would have to tell them about everything. Hopefully they wouldn't be too upset with me when they found out. I pulled on a pair of light washed jeans and a button up linen shirt.
I didn't even think to text or call Sean, we never were the type to text. The whole ride over my stomach churned over into knots. I slowly pulled into Sean's driveway and switched off my car. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel as my foot bounced up and down. I just needed to get out and go in, but my body felt stuck in my seat.
"Everything is gonna be fine" I whispered to myself as I jumped out of the car, "Everything is gonna be fine" I repeated to myself over and over as I walked up the driveway. I knocked on the door and picked at my fingers as I waited for him. I glanced at his car in the driveway, he was home. I pulled out the key he gave me, maybe he was taking a nap. As soon as I stepped in I heard music coming from upstairs, I jogged up the stairs smiling. I couldn't believe the chances I could walk in on Sean dancing alone.
The closer I crept down the hall, the stronger the smell of weed got in the house. I furrowed my brows, Sean never smoke alone. I brushed it off as my hand rested on the doorknob, I was finally gonna save him. As soon as I pushed the door open the smell became overwhelming. The bass of the music shook my ribs, as I tried to see through the smoke filled room. My eyes fell on the bed in the middle of the room and I felt my smile drop.
Sean laid in the middle of the bed, his shirt off blunt in hand. What was definitely more shocking were the two naked girls that laid in bed with him. Their hands ran all over him as their legs were tangled in his. The longer I stood there the more I felt tears prick at my eyes. He didn't even notice me standing there yet, not through the smoke out the loud music.
"Sean" I croaked as I stood there. His eyes snapped to mine as he shot up,
"Thea, what are you doing here?" he said as he climbed out of bed. I backed up, not wanting to be near him anymore.
"That's all you have to say? i find you in bed with not one but two other girls and I'm the one that's getting questioned" I yelled, I swallowed the sadness that crept up in me. I wasn't about to let him see me cry about him.
"I swear it's not what it looks like" he said as he put out hsi blunt in his ashtray.
"Real original" I muttered as I spun around. I wanted to be anywhere but in the same room as him. I ran down the hall feeling the tears falling down my face as I ran down the stairs. I heard him running after me calling my name. Even as I stepped outside it didn't feel like the air was getting easier to breathe. I felt Sean reach out as he spun me around,
"Thea, I can explain" he said. I couldn't even look at him anymore, "Those girls, they were spent by a client. It's protocol to give them a good time, otherwise it's offensive. I was just doing my job" but I didn't care. I couldn't have imagined doing something like that to him, ever.
"So you do this all the time" I said and I wiped my face.
"Yes- I mean not really" he said, he was floundering. Every word he spoke just angered me even more, "I told you, this whole thing is unconventional. This is what you signed up for when you agreed to stay with me" I couldn't believe him,
"No, you conveniently left the part about the naked girl out. Think I would have remembered that" I yelled, just as I finished Jax's car pulled into the driveway. The rest of our friends climbed out as they approached us. I turned around as more tears spilled out of my eyes, he wrapped his arms around me as he rubbed circles in my back.
"What's going on" he boomed, I could feel the rumble of his chest against me. He pulled me away as he wiped my face of tears.
"I found Sean in bed naked with these girls" I said as more tears spilled out. Jax let go of me as he stormed to Xavier. I heard his fist connect with Sean's face, but I couldn't look.
"What the fuck, dude" he screamed. I just wanted to leave,
"Jax, Jax, Jax they were Giovanni's girls. The same as usual" I heard Sean say and that caught my attention. My head snapped back at Jax who was now helping Sean up. I glanced at Chloe who just stood off to the side, chewing on her sweater.
"Wait, you knew?" I yelled, no one would even look at me, "You all knew. I'm fucking stupid, oh my god. and to think I was-" my voice cut out. I spun on my heel as I head to my car. My hands shook as I tried to unlock the door,
"Thea, please" I heard Sean from behind me. I couldn't tell if his eyes were red form the weed or from the stream of tears that flowed down his face. But as I looked at him, I didn't feel anything. I could only feel the anger that radiated off me. I just shook my head and slammed the door behind me. I sped off leaving all of them behind me, I pounded my fists on the steering wheel as I drove off.
I was gonna take them down, every single one of them and smile as I did it.
=====
Dear Thing,
"Fuck" I screamed. Why was the music still playing, I wanted it off. I stormed upstairs and pulled the sound system up. The girls in my bed just stared at me wide-eyed. I moved over to the nightstand as I pulled out wads of cash. I threw it on the bed in front of them, "Get out and tell Giovanni you had a good time" They scampered out leaving me alone in my room. I should have just done that the time. What is wrong with me?
I punched the wall over and over, I couldn't even feel anything. Not even when the blood started to pool on the floor. I pushed everything of my nightstand, my room felt 100 times smaller.
"Sean, stop" I heard Chloe scream. When did they all get there? "She's gone okay and trashing the room won't make her come back. So just stop" her voice cracked.
"I can't stop, because if I stop then..." I said as I struggled to catch my breath, "Because if I stop, then what else to do I have to do. I love her and I broke her heart. Because if I stop all I can do is think about how I blew it with the only person that's ever really loved me" I felt the tears fall from my eyes as Chloe hugged me. I just couldn't stop thinking about how she looked at me. The hurt that I wanted to protect her from, was the same as the one that she looked back at me with. I sighed as I laid downed back in bed, it was all hitting me at once. I just lost the woman that I love. She hated me, and I saw her cry, I hurt her, I did that, I hurt everyone I ever cared about.
I felt them all climb in bed with me in silence, they knew nothing they could say could make me feel better.
"You know I was so sure, she would be the one I would marry" I said humorously. I reached to my nightstand and took the black velvet box. I flung it open as I ran my fingers over the ring. I remembered how I instantly knew I was gonna give it to Thea.
"My god, it's beautiful Sean" Chloe said as she looked at the ring. The black band contrasted the blue and white of diamonds that weaved through it.
After that we didn't speak for the rest of the night, there was nothing to say. Even as everyone else drifted off to sleep, I couldn't. All I could do was look at the ring as my fingers ran over the cold metal. All I wanted to do was be able to hold her again but more tears fell the longer I thought about it.
All I could do is think about the woman I chased away.
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My heart broke writing this chapter. Also on an unrelated note that ring was beautiful.
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