After Alize's confession, Lyanna hardly slept. The two spent the rest of the night talking. Alize told her about her sisters and brothers, about her life before Lyanna screwed it up (those not Alize's own words but Lyanna's) and what she wanted for the future. Lyanna talked about a future back in Winterfell, with her family, Robb as the King in the North, Lyanna as the head of the household guard, like Jory had been, maybe even going to the Wall to find Jon, the way she had once wanted. Alize talked of going to the Riverlands with Eryk, where he had once been from, not wanting to go back to High Garden. She talked of finding her siblings the way Lyanna did. All the girls wanted was to feel like they belonged in a family again.
When the sun rose, Eryk joined them, kissing the top of Alize's head, and as he sat with them, he cupped her belly with his hand. Joffrey had never done that to Lyanna, and it made her feel something. Was it jealousy? Envy? Lyanna didn't want to be loved by Eryk, or even Joffrey, and she didn't want a baby, so why did she covet the sight? If anything, she was jealous that Eryk was kind to her, jealous that that man loved that woman, whilst Lyanna was belittled and abused. She didn't want another relationship, but maybe she wanted to have been treated better, treated like a human, treated like she was loved.
Looking back, the whole marriage situation really messed up Lyanna's expectations of relationships. Since leaving Westeros, she'd never felt the feelings of love, lust, anything associated with the opposite gender, or even the same gender. She'd never once looked at another person to the extent of wanting them the way Eryk and Alize wanted each other. Being married to Joffrey had made her afraid. Not just afraid of him, because Lyanna wasn't scared of Joffrey, but she considered the thought that he had made her subconsciously afraid of love.
Did she want to love someone else? No. She had bigger priorities at the minute, like getting the throne with Daenerys and getting home to her family. It would be nice to feel loved, and to have someone appreciate her the way Joffrey didn't, but she didn't need it. She could validate herself, make herself feel worthwhile without a man (or even a woman) to do that through a relationship.
"You've been quiet for a while, Lyanna," Eryk noted, snapping her out of her thoughts.
"Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking of... things," she didn't want them to know what she'd just been thinking. "I was thinking about how Brandon would be one and a half, at least by now, and how he'd be becoming a big cousin soon," It was a big lie, which made her sad. Not only sad that she was now thinking of her son, but also that she was using him to lie.
Maybe that's what she was feeling. Was Lyanna jealous that Alize was going to have a baby when her own child was dead? Had a lie really triggered Lyanna into jealousy? It seemed so, as she found herself imagining her son still alive in ways she hadn't done since the House of the Undying. Nothing could bring Brandon back, but this new situation, her two best friends having a child, was just acting as a reminder to that. Their baby would be a constant reminder to the fact that she was a mother herself, but to a son that would remain in the past.
"The fact that you still think of him means that he's still alive," Alize smiled simply, and Lyanna smiled back, though she knew that Alize didn't understand.
Alize was happy. She had a man who loved her dearly. She had a baby on the way. She had the perfect life. Sure, it wasn't what she dreamed of but what she had made her happy. Lyanna wasn't happy. The one man she'd been forced into marriage with had abused her and hurt her, and although she never loved Joffrey, whenever he ignored her, whenever she tried to be a 'good wife' and greet him, he would make her feel unimportant. He belittled her self-worth. Although every part of her hated being married to him, she tried to make herself like him at first, tried to have deep, meaningful conversations. She tried to tell him about things she was passionate about, tried to talk to him like a friend, the way that she'd heard her father talk to Lady Catelyn. He'd dismiss her, or show little interest, make snide comments. He meant nothing to her, but he made her wonder why she even existed, because it clearly wasn't to be Joffrey's wife, because she was somehow crap at that but didn't understand why, since she tried her best at it constantly, even if she hated being his wife.
It was complicated and made no sense, so how could Lyanna even begin to tell Alize any of that? So instead, she forced on a happy smile, let out a small laugh and faked her way through it, like she did best.
"Are you sure you're okay, Lya? About all of this?" Eryk frowned.
"Of course I am!" she said, trying to sound cheery. "My two best friends, together, it's perfect!"
It was a lie, everyone knew it was a lie, but Lyanna was sick of the conversation. She hated talking about her feelings, always had, so she wasn't going to sit around anymore where her feelings was the main focus. It was time to go find Daenerys anyway, they needed to plan for the impending battle. Battle, blood, death, fighting, Lyanna would rather face all of those than face herself.
***
Word count: 970
***