I, Allie Robins, am insane. I'm insane, I'm homicidal, I'm suicidal, I'm depressed, and I'm bipolar.
I've accommodated these things over the past 2 years. These lonely two years on the lockdown floor of Smith Mental Hospital.
Before those two years, I was a happy go lucky girl. I always looked at the bright side of things and sometimes couldn't understand why people were sad. I always thought it was a beautiful life and you were breathing so you might as well enjoy it.
Now I think life is an utter hellhole and I don't want to be breathing anymore. I want to take out my pain by murder. I want to hurt people. I want to hurt them like I've been hurt, both mentally and physically.
I want to hurt these doctors who put me in here in the first place. Two years ago if I hadn't been in here, I would be okay. I wanted to hurt the patients. I wanted to hurt the police.
But most of all, I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to turn all my emotional pain and turn it into physical pain.
I hated it at this hospital. I hated everything from it's flowery smell to it's white walls. I hated the therapy sessions I had to go to and the food they served. I hated the handcuffs I had to wear all day and I hated necklace I had to wear around my neck, signaling people that I was dangerous.
For the past two years, I've only talked to 5 different people. No more, no less. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone either. And to be honest, I didn't really have a conversation. They talked and I listened, occasionally answering questions or making comments.
Those people were my doctor, my therapist, Ms. Clifford, Luke and Calum.
No one was allowed to speak to me besides them. The doctor and the therapist for obvious reasons. Calum, Luke and Ms. Clifford were allowed because they had experienced the things I had.
Ms. Clifford didn't come often and I don't blame her. I didn't want her to come often either. She's a constant reminder of Michael for me and I'm a constant reminder of Michael for her. We remind each other of the suffering we enduring that horrible night. I don't like talking to Ms. Clifford.
Luke comes once or twice a month. We weren't very close before the incidents but we've grown close now. He'll stay for practically the whole day and he'll catch me up on life outside the hospital. He says I don't seem very mental but he knows I am. Everyone does. I like talking to Luke.
Calum is a patient at Smith Mental Hospital, too. He's been diagnosed as depressed, homicidal and insane. He doesn't seem like it though. He always seems happy and smiling but smiles hide the most pain I guess. I see him 5 or 6 times a week. It's a lot because we have to go to the same therapy session. It's supposed to help with losing someone or some shit. I don't really give a fuck about it. I love just being around Calum.
All in all, I don't interact with people much anymore. But I hear them whispering when I'm out. Everyone knows who I am. I've killed 3 doctors and had 4 suicide attempts. And just in the past week, I've had 5 public panic attacks. People know me as the freak of the hospital.
How could they blame me for being like this though? I experienced a demonic situation, got tortured, watched my mom get killed and watched my boyfriend, whom I loved, kill himself. That's enough to make anyone go mental.
Living alone in a white hospital room for a couple years gives you time to think though. You remember every right and every wrong thing you've ever done in your life. But you also think of the things that can't really be classified into either.
Falling in love with Michael is one of those things. I loved him and I still do love him, even though he's gone. I loved being around him and I love thinking about him. I loved how he tried his hardest to keep me safe and in the end, I did make it out alive. Just like he promised. He was my knight in shining armor, well figuratively. I'd rather have shy Michael is ripped skinny jeans and band tees than an actual knight. Michael was the best person I ever met. He had the ability to make me happy no matter the situation.
Falling in love with Michael caused problems though, which is why it was one of those things that wasn't good or bad. Falling in love with him made people die or get hurt. It caused Michael to kill himself.
I just wish he was still here.
There's a knock on the door and my doctor walks into my room.
"Allie? Luke and Calum are here to visit."
My head shoots up. "Both? At the same time?"
"Yes." The doctor chuckles. "I thought you knew they were friends."
"No, I didn't." I tell him.
"Well c'mon let's get you out there to see them." He tells me and I smile. I genuinely smile when it comes to seeing Luke and Calum.
I make my way quickly out of my room. The doctor takes my handcuffs off and leads me to the visiting room. I was about to ask why when I noticed the extra amount of doctors outlining the room. Luke and Calum are sitting at a center table and I silently thank them. The doctors wouldn't be able to hear our conversation from the middle of the room.
I grin when they see me and they stand up. I run towards them and wrap my arms around them both in a group hug.
"I've missed you." I mumble into Calum's chest.
"We've missed you too, Allie." Luke chuckles.
I remove myself from them. "I didn't know you were friends though."
"We've been friends for a couple months now I guess. I visit Calum when I visit you most of the time." Luke answers.
"Oh that's cool." I nod my head in understanding.
"Yea we kinda bonded over being apart of...incidents." Calum tells me.
"Oh." I sigh. Sometimes I forget they've gone through incidents as well as I have. Luke's was less severe, of course, but that doesn't make it any less scary.
"So how've you been?" Luke asks me.
"I feel like shit." I answer honestly.
"I had a feeling you'd say that." He gives me a sad smile.
"I hate it here." I mutter.
"You and me both." Calum agrees with me. Although Calum had a lot more freedom than I did in the hospital, he still was in a mental hospital. And everyone hates it here.
I look over to the window to catch if glimpse of the outside world. My room didn't have windows and I haven't been outside in almost 2 years. The window is surprisingly open and if I listen carefully I could hear nature's sounds.
Michael once told me he loved the sound of nature. He said it made him feel happy and free. At the time, I didn't know what he meant by 'free'. I thought he was a normal teenage boy and he use of the word 'free' was just to be poetic. Now I realize why he used that word. The sounds of nature made him forget all his problems. It made him remember that he was a person, a part of nature. He could live alongside the beauty of nature because he was human and he deserved it. Michael deserved a lot of things. Dying wasn't one of them.
I should've died instead of him. He was so much better than I am and he deserved to live more than me. He should've let me die. No, he had to be the fucking hero in this. I hate him for that. But it also makes me love him more.
I stare out the window. I could see a bit of the ground and I noticed how far down it was. The people and cars on the roads looked small. If someone jumped out the window, they would surely die.
They would surely die.
I glance at Luke and Calum who are in a conversation and aren't paying attention to me at the moment. Taking a close look at the window, I notice there's nothing blocking the inside of the hospital from the outside world. All barriers are down. Jumping out the window was a one was ticket to death.
No one could pump your stomach to try to remove the damage done my pills. No one could patch up your cuts. No one could find you early enough to keep you from dying from hanging. You could cure a person from a jump. It's just instant death.
"I deserve to die." I whisper.
"What?" Calum stops his conversation and asks me.
"Michael didn't deserve to die, I did. He should've let me die." I tell him and my eyes start to prickle with tears.
"Don't think that, Allie." Luke tells me.
"But it's true." My voice cracks a bit.
"Michael wanted to die to save you. That's how much he loved you. He wouldn't want you thinking like this." Calum tells me.
"I'm sorry." I tell them then look at the window again.
"Allie." Luke says warningly.
"I'm sorry." I repeat.
"Allie, stop." Calum tells me.
"I'm sorry." I make a break for the window.
"Allie!" Calum yells and my heart almost breaks at the sound of pain in his voice.
"Allie, stop!" Luke sobs.
There's more yelling from them and the doctors. I ignore all noise and shrug off the people trying to grab me. I get to the window and dive out.
As I'm falling, memories of me and Michael flash through my mind. It makes my smile and I close my eyes. I barely have time to register the pain from impact before I'm thrown into darkness.
I wake up in a white room but I know it's not the hospital. There's a certain brightness to it that makes me certain I'm dead.
I hear a familiar voice behind me. One that I've been thinking about for years. One that makes me smile. A voice from the man I love.
"Hey, Allie."
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see they're together in the end
so its okay, right?
i understand if you guys hate me.
):
buttt
this story was so fun to write and i want to thank all of you for being my inspiration to write this. without you guys i wouldn't have finished this, so thanks so much
i love you guys
you're perfect x