I've never been a huge fan of eggs. I mean, I could always just take them or leave them. That is, until one day in Skyler Brown's garage, when my feelings about eggs were solidified.
"Hey, hey, hey. Guys. Edna's found her breakfast." Christopher pointed at the pet snake previously referred to as 'Edna' in the corner of the room.
I mean, if a slimy reptile found them appetising, there was certainly no place for them in my diet.
"Oh, man, that's so cool! She doesn't even have to chew! I mean, think of all the time you'd save." Adam exclaimed, watching the snake devour the egg whole.
I could've gone my whole life not knowing that snakes eat eggs raw... if it hadn't been for Rose. She had a major-league thing for Skyler Brown. I think it's gross.
He and Sarah's brothers, Adam and Christopher, had formed a band. And Rose would watch them practice.
"That is so neat. How about that, huh, Jonathan." Adam nudged my arm.
"Yeah. Neat. So, Jon, how do you think he's gonna digest that?" Christopher questioned
I thought about it for a moment. "Stomach acid?" I replied, unsurely.
"You'd like to think that. Wait, everybody quiet. Here he goes." Adam hushed.
"Eggs over easy." Adam watched in awe as the shell cracked.
"Gross. Gross, gross, gross!" Rose winced.
"Wait, wait. You haven't seen the best part!" Christopher grabbed Rose's arm to stop her from turning away.
I didn't even want to explain what happened to that poor egg afterwards.
"Ugh! Gross." Rose cried, shaking herself free of Christopher's grip.
I tried to be casual about it, but it didn't take. I started having bad dreams. I'd be trapped inside a huge egg and this monster would open his jaws and start to devour me. Luckily, I'd wake up just in time.
A knocking on the front door of my house was when the real nightmare began. I opened the door to see Sarah smiling up at me, holding a box of eggs.
"Hi, Jonathan! I brought these over for you and your family. My chickens are laying eggs."
"What?" I asked, laughing a little.
"You remember Abby and Bonnie and Clyde and Dexter and Eunice and Florence - the ones I hatched for the science fair?"
"How could I forget?" I forced a smile.
It was classic Sarah Conway. She totally dominated the fair. And get this, her project was all about watching boring eggs hatch! I mean, here I had a live-action erupting volcano... and all anyone cared about was Sarah's boring chicks breaking out of their boring shells!
I thought back to the time where everyone was watching the eggs hatch in awe.
But hey, she won. I lost. I've never been one to dwell. But that didn't mean I had to eat her lousy eggs.
"I think it was very sweet of Sarah to bring us those eggs." My mother smiled.
"I don't care. I'm still having cereal tomorrow." I grumbled.
"How do you tell if one's a rooster?" I asked Oliver as we crouched down beside Sarah's fence, looking through the tiny hole to see her feeding her chickens.
Oliver sighed. "Well, a rooster's bigger... with longer feathers."
"Mm-hm..." I nodded.
"They've got that red stuff growing out of their head and around their neck too. That shouldn't be too hard to spot. Although, come to think of it, chickens have the rubbery red stuff too. Just not as much."
Oliver's expertise in roosters was the cornerstone of our plan to avoid contact with Sarah Conway. The balance of which involved spying over her back fence.
"Come on, come on. Shh. Shh. Over here." Sarah said softly, ushering for the chickens to come over to her.
"I can't see the stupid chickens." I whispered, trying to get a better look.
"We gotta get them out of the coop." Oliver told me as the chickens clucked.
"Is that a rooster?" I asked, pointing at one of them. Oliver followed my finger before shaking his head.
"No, it looks like a chicken."
"How can you tell?" I questioned.
Oliver rolled his eyes. "It just does."
"See what I mean? Expertise." I remarked.
"Shh, shh!"
"What?"
"Sarah!" Oliver pointed at the short blonde girl.
"Here, guys. Go on, there you go! Here, guys! Go on." Sarah smiled.
"Yeah, they're all chickens." Oliver stated.
"There's no rooster?" I furrowed my brows.
"What did I just say?" Oliver questioned.
"How can you tell?" I continued.
"Well, none of them are strutting" Oliver told me as Sarah continued to feed the chickens.
"Roosters strut?" I repeated.
"What did I just say? Plus, hardly any of them have any rubbery red stuff."
We watched Sarah for a little bit longer in silence, before Oliver nodded and stood up.
"Yeah. They're definitely all chickens. They're all chickens. I'm proud of you, Jonathan. You overcame your fear."
I stood up too. "Huh?"
"You talked to her." Oliver replied.
I shrugged. "Oh, yeah. It's no big deal."
"That's what she told you? They're all chickens?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"She's a genius. You're both geniuses! Of course they're all chickens. A rooster's a chicken. The question is: Is one of them a rooster or are they all hens?"
"Hens?" My head snapped towards Oliver. "Who said anything about hens?"
Then it hit me. Oliver didn't know jack shit about chickens. "Do roosters strut?" I asked again.
"Yes, they do." Oliver sighed.
I threw my arms up in the air. "What does that have to do with anything? They're all hens."
"Well, the main thing is the eggs are okay. It's all settled."
INot for me. There was no way I was ever gonna eat anything that had anything to do with Sarah Conway.
I shook my head. "I'm not eating them."
"Well, why not?" Oliver groaned. I could tell he was getting sick of the way I was acting.
"Have you seen their yard? It's... there's not even any grass! It's all mud and chicken turds!"
"Ew. Gross. Salmonella." Oliver winced.
My eyes widened. "Do you suppose they could have salmonella?"
"It's not very likely."
"Why take the risk? What do we do with the eggs?" I asked.
Oliver shrugged. "Give them back."
"Give them back?" I repeated." To Sarah?"
"Sure. You talked to her before, right? It didn't kill you."
"Well, what do I say?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Tell her we don't eat eggs. Uh, we're allergic to them or something."
I rolled my eyes. "Come on, use your brains."
It didn't feel right to lie. Besides, even a seventh grader would know that entire families aren't allergic to eggs. But I didn't wanna hurt her feelings either. So that left me with only one option. And thus another near-death experience in my ongoing saga with Sarah Conway had been successfully avoided... until one week later.
"Hi, Jonathan! I brought you some more eggs!" Sarah greeted me with another batch of eggs at the door.
"Wow. Thanks." I replied, pulling the fakest smile possible.
"Did your family like the first batch?" Sarah asked, with hopeful eyes.
I laughed. "Do you even have to ask?"
Sarah eyes lit up. "Great. See you at school!" And with that, she walked away.
What I hoped would be a one-time event was just the beginning of a life consumed with lies, intrigue and deception.
Every morning I'd be on the lookout for Sarah, so if she happened to come, I could whip the door open before she knocked. Then I'd dump the eggs before anyone noticed.
And why? Why couldn't I just face her? Why couldn't I just say: "No, thanks. Don't want them. Don't need them. Give them to the snake"?
Was I really afraid of hurting her feelings or was I just afraid of her?