× Horan
Waking up to find that Lynn wasn't lying beside me sent terrible scenarios through my head.
She was kidnapped, Chloe came back and saw us in bed together and Lynn was currently smoothing things over. Or worse, she ran away. That was probably my biggest fear. She was going to wake up one day and see that she made the biggest mistake and run - run and never look back.
It's scary to find someone that makes you happy. You start giving them all your attention because they're what makes you forget everything bad that's going on in your life. They're the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end your day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it's scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away when they go.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes, making sure the sheet was around my waist. Looking around the room, my heart settled back in my chest when I saw her sitting at her desk, her back to me.
"Love?" I asked, worry in my voice. "You okay?"
Lynn sniffed and perked up from the sound of my voice, but didn't look over at me. "Yeah," she said, her voice slightly hoarse. "Yeah, I'm fine."
I watched her carefully as she opened the drawer on her desk and drop something inside before closing it again. She quickly wiped the sleeve of her jumper under her nose before turning to face me with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
I knew she hasn't been herself ever since that Ethan lad came to her room and confessed to killing her parents, and after the two of us had a proper chat about it, I figured maybe she would feel a little better. But I guess I wouldn't know how to deal with that as both of my parents are very much alive.
The first orange hued rays of sunrise kissed Lynn's skin. The soft glow that should have brought warmth to a new day only acted to solidify the reality of her dejected face. I held my hand out for her to take.
Wearing only a jumper, Lynn stood up and took my hand in hers and joined me back in the bed. I shifted to make room for her on the tiny mattress and lied back down as Lynn's head rested on the pillow by my chest. Her warm breath fanned across my bare skin and her legs entangled with mine. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her in close.
"I know you're lying to me," I said into her hair. "Is it about Ethan?"
Lynn didn't say anything at first and instead just tucked her head into my neck. "Yeah," she eventually said through a hoarse voice. "I don't know how I can tell my brother... I'm not even entirely sure how to get a hold of him."
I thought about my brother. He was able to get Anders here one time, maybe he could pass along the message to his commander. But I kept that possibility in the back of my mind in case Greg wasn't able to do it.
"Ethan's going to get what he deserves," I told her.
"How can you be so sure?"
"I may not believe in fate or soulmates, but I do believe in karma. He's not going to get away with this, Lynn."
She lifted our entwined hands and held them close to her chest. I felt her heart beat rapidly against the back of my hand, and I tried to sooth her the best I could by holding her close and never letting go.
"I hope you're right."
It amazed me how quickly something, or someone, could become so familiar to you. Lynn's room had quickly became my second shelter, the first being my own. But I kept finding myself here more than anywhere else. I knew where Lynn hid her spare change from Chloe so she wouldn't steal it, I knew her morning routine by heart, I knew that she kept her books in the top drawer of her dresser, and I knew that on the off chance she wasn't wearing her necklace that it would be safe on the first hook of her jewelry box.
There was a possibility that the two of us wouldn't last - there was always that risk when you're dating someone - and it frightened me. We were either going to make it, or we weren't, and thinking that far into the future scared me shitless. So I would make the most of what we had and remember all the little details in the span that we were together and not take it for granted.
I pulled Lynn into me impossibly closer and shut my eyes.
The average length of a hug between two people is three seconds. But when a hug lasts longer, there is a therapeutic effect on the body and mind. A sincere hug produces a hormone called oxytocin which has many benefits in our physical and mental health. It helps us, among other things, to relax, to feel safe, and calm our fears and anxiety. And I knew Lynn needed that more than anyone right now.
"Why does being in love feel so good?" Lynn whispered into the silence.
"Because some of the most powerful brain circuits for pleasure are triggered," I explained, brushing a piece of hair away from her face. "Dopamine is the main chemical, which is basically like experiencing something similar to a cocaine high."
Lynn laughed. "I was asking hypothetically."
I rolled over so I had half my body on top of hers and buried my face into the crook of her neck. The smell of peppermint wafted around me and I hummed in affection. The feeling of Lynn's body against mine would never get old.
The touch of Lynn's lips against my jaw sent shivers up my arms and I tucked myself in even closer. One of her hands played with the hair at the nap of my neck while the other trailed up and down my spine, only adding onto the goosebumps.
"Can we stay in bed all day?" I asked.
"I wish," Lynn responded.
I closed my eyes and lost myself in the feel of Lynn's fingers through my hair. There wasn't any school today; all the instructors had a workshop day, meaning no classes. Staying in bed was totally accomplishable, but unfortunately Chloe would be coming back soon and I wasn't going to be here when she does.
"Do you have any plans tonight?" Lynn asked.
"I was hoping we could move this cuddling to my room," I admitted. "I don't want to do anything but be in bed with you all day."
Lynn laughed as her hand on my spine trailed down to my lower back. "Come out with me tonight."
I sat up on my elbow and looked at her. "You have plans?"
"Harry invited me out to this bar tonight."
"Harry, huh?" I asked, rising a brow at her. "But you don't even drink."
The smile on Lynn's face was obvious that she was enjoying my jealousy. "He invited me to see his band. It's the first performance Godless Intuition is playing with a new guitar player. And that player happens to be my friend, Jillian."
I thought for a moment. "What about your ankle?"
Lynn sighed as she moved to lie on her back. "I need to get out. I've been cooped up in here for two days now, and frankly, I miss my friends," she complained. "I'll bring my crutches and make sure to put zero pressure on the injury."
I looked at her, to see if there was any kind of hint of past feelings she might have felt toward Harry in her eyes, but there wasn't anything there that told me she still felt that way.
I didn't have any reason to dislike Harry except for the fact that he was with Lynn at one point. But that was well done and over with, and now that I got the girl, I shouldn't have this distaste for him anymore. But I couldn't help it. He had Lynn when I couldn't, and as far as him and everyone else knew, that was still true.
Which meant I had to go just to make sure Harry didn't try to get to her again.
× × ×
Despite smoking being banned in bars, the smoke twisted in its artistic way, forming curls in the gloom, illuminated only by the age-speckled bar lights. Along the wall was every hue of amber liquid in their inverted bottles. The lights were low and set a slight romantic mood to the room, though the only couple I saw in the bar was two old people in the corner, sharing a basket of chips between them.
The bar wasn't very busy, but that was probably because it was a Wednesday night. A Guinness sits in front of me as Lynn and I waited for Harry's band to come out. A group of girls sat in a booth along the side of the wall and few single people sat at the bar with a beer in their hands. I was hoping more people would come and drown the two of us out of the crowd, but as it got closer to nine, I knew that it wasn't going to get any busier.
"I can't believe you made me come here," I said with a sigh.
"I didn't make you," Lynn argued. "You willingly came."
The two of us were sitting in the back at a round table, the tablecloth falling down half way to the floor. Looking at all the covered round tables that lead up to the stage, you'd think the place was classy, but once you avert your eyes away to anything else in the bar, you'd see that you have been mistaken.
The floors were wood, the bar was wood, the walls were wood, and the stools were wood, and under the tablecloths, the tables were wood. It had a country vibe to it, but from the neon lights and posters of sports teams and huge flat screen TVs on the walls, it clearly wasn't.
"They better be good," was all I said in response.
Lynn laughed. "If I remember correctly, the first time you heard them at that festival, you said you liked them."
"I said they weren't half bad. There's a difference."
Lynn had put on a dress that went down mid-thigh. The only makeup she had on was eyeliner and mascara, and I knew that because I sat on her bed and watched her apply it to her face. She wasn't dressed to impress by the slightest, and that settled my nerves a little knowing she wasn't there to sway Harry.
I was wearing black skinny jeans and a blue button down shirt and some white sneakers. I did absolutely nothing to my hair except run my hands through it, making the dark, blonde locks swoosh to the side and off my forehead, enough to remove the obvious sex hair from earlier that day.
Then the lights dimmed down and the spotlights on the stage switched on. I leaned back on my stool and watched as three people walked on the stage. With his curly hair and Chelsea boots, Harry took his place at the front and adjusted the bass guitar around his shoulders.
"Thanks for coming out tonight," he said into the microphone, grabbing the attention from the people in the bar. "I'm Harry." Then he points to the lad behind him. "That's Sam on the drums." Then he looks over at the only other person left on stage. "And Jillian on guitar. This is her first performance playing with us. Enjoy."
There was polite clapping from around the room that faded off when the first cord of the guitar sounded.
I may have lied before, Godless Intuition is a little better than just half bad. They had a cool 70s rock vibe and Harry's voice fit well with the sound, I had to admit. It surprised me that the only places they've been playing are bars when they were at least good enough to be playing at clubs or small venues.
Lynn seemed to be enjoying it as she had her arms crossed on the table and her head moving slightly to the beat. I, on the other hand, was getting rather bored quickly.
Keeping my eyes on the stage in front of us, I placed my hand on her bare thigh, making sure it was out of sight under the table cloth. From the touch of my hand on her skin, Lynn stiffened and looked over at me, but I paid no attention to her and kept my eyes focused on the band performing and made sure to let no emotion show on my face.
Seeing as I wasn't going to give anything away, she leaned back on the stool and absorbed on the band again. Though from the corner of my eye, I saw her look down at my hand every once and awhile, especially when I moved it a little higher up her thigh.
As the new song started to play, I got braver and pushed Lynn's dress up a little. Everyone around us was either engrossed in conversation or too busy to notice anything going on in the back of the room.
Lynn shot me a nervous look, but I just smirked and slid her dress even higher. She tried her best to keep a poker face, but I could tell I was starting to get to her.
"Stop it," she mutters under her breath. "We're in public."
I ignored her protest, putting my hand on her clothed center. She bit her tongue to hold back a whimper that tried to escape her lips. I wasn't proud of it, but that simple sound was all it took for me to semi-harden in my jeans. I spread her legs with my hand and started massaging her through the material of her panties before sliding my finger up and down her slit. She squirmed a bit, but no one paid any attention.
And then suddenly Lynn shut her thighs together, trapping my hand between them. I glared at her in response and spread her legs again. I pushed her panties to the side and stuck a finger inside her without a warning. She jumped from the contact, only now drawing the attention from a lad sitting at the bar.
"Hey now," I warned in her ear, circling her clit, which only made her wriggle more. "You don't want to disrupt the band from playing, do you?"
Instead of responding, she just shot me a glare, which I returned with a smile and a second finger.
The feeling of my digits pumping in and out of her, mixed with my thumbs movements on her clit, was clear that her mind had totally gone blank. I could feel her orgasm approaching as she started to clench around my fingers, so I quickened my pace. Not even a moment later I could hear Lynn's breathing become shallow as she leaned toward me, placing her forehead against my shoulder as I worked my fingers.
"Fuck," she murmured into my shirt.
I was desperate and eager to feel her come; to watch her body go still and feel her pulse against my fingers.
She let her eyes fall shut as she pressed closer to me, slightly rocked her hips back and forth against my palm. I felt her tense up and I knew she was at her high. Making sure she would go into total euphoria, I circled my thumb against her clit and added a third finger inside her just as her spine straightened and she shook against me.
Watching her come was probably the best sight I had ever laid my eyes on. Her forehead would scrunch up and her eyes would squeeze shut, only for them to open very slowly once the high had passed, exposing the haze of her blue irises. I could see the bliss wash through her, one second at a time, ticking way until tranquility took its place. And what made it better was that I was the one who made her feel that way.
"That was for not letting you come first last night," I explained softly.
Lynn leisurely removed herself from my shoulder and glared at me. "Fuck you."
"You can do that when we get back to my place."
As the last couple of songs played, Lynn made sure not to say anything to me. She even made it her job not to look at me, which I only found amusing. It wasn't until the band finally left the stage did she move. I watched as she grabbed her crutches and stood up from the stool, adjusting her dress and walking away from me.
Following after her, she rounded the bar and made her way to the opposite side of the room and through a black door in the corner that led us backstage. Not even a moment later, Lynn and I turned and found three people sitting around and packing their instruments away.
"Lynn!" a girl shouted, noticing the two of us in the doorway. Jillian Kosher stood from her seat and wrapped her arms around Lynn, rocking back and forth in the embrace. "I'm so happy you came!"
"Of course I came," Lynn responded, a smile in her voice. "It's your first performance, I couldn't miss that!"
When Jillian finally pulled away, her eyes landed on me. "Oh," she said, obviously not expecting me to accompany Lynn to this event. She held out her hand for me to take. "It's finally nice to meet you. I hear all kinds of stories, but never had the pleasure to see you face-to-face."
I knew Jillian to be a gossiper, so I wasn't even a little surprised as she looked at me like I held all the secrets. I shook her hand. "Just for the record, all those stories aren't true."
"Aw, what a shame."
Before I could ask her what exactly she had heard about me, I realized Harry had struck up a conversation with Lynn and I got distracted.
"-kicked him out a week ago," Harry was saying. His hands were at his sides and legs spread apart, a clear observation that he was flirting. "Ever since Jillian joined the band, we didn't need Eli anymore."
"Good. That asshole can rot in hell for all I care," Lynn responded bitterly.
I couldn't help but noticed her hand going to her lips and the squint in her eyes. I wasn't a pro when it came to body language, but I was an expert on seducing and this was in dangerous territory.
"Lynn, we should go," I interrupted, watching the two of them closely.
Harry turned toward me, like he was just now noticing my presence. "Good to see you again, Horan."
"Sure, whatever," I said and grabbed Lynn's hand and pulled her away. "We need to go."
Lynn shook her hand out of mine. "No, I'm staying and talking to Harry."
I looked at her, pleading for her to come with me, but she didn't budge. As she turned back to talk to Harry and Jillian, I left the room and found my way back inside the bar and out the front door. I needed some fresh air.
Leaning against the brick building, I closed my eyes.
I finally got Lynn, I wasn't going to just let her slip through my fingers again because of Harry fucking Styles. Why was he always there when things were starting to make sense and then ruin it for the two of us?
Something always - always - gets in our way. Whether it be Harry, or football, or our own fucking minds. But I was fed up with it. Why couldn't the universe just let me be happy once in my life?
"Ni," a soft voice said beside me. I turned and saw Lynn looking at me questionably. "What was going on with you in there?"
I shook my head.
"Niall," Lynn pushed. "Come on. You know better than to keep things from me."
Clenching my jaw, I looked around to make sure no one was listing into our conversation. "Just you and Harry in the same room... it makes me nervous."
Lynn leaned her crutches against the brick wall and took a deep sigh. I then felt her hand in mine, our fingers lacing together. The feel of her warm skin against mine was reassuring, but it did little to ease my anxious stomach.
"You know, a little jealousy is okay," Lynn explained. "It means you value our relationship. You just have to trust me."
"I do trust you," I said softly. "I just... don't like it."
Lynn sighed and hung her head. "Harry's my friend, Niall. He's been nothing but kind to me. He's also supported me in everything I've done, so I want to do the same for him; which includes going to some of his shows. It's not going to be a constant thing, alright? Just one here and there."
I didn't respond and continued to look out at the night sky in front of us.
"Hey." Lynn tugged on our entwined hands and pulled me closer to her. She cupped my face and gave me no choice but to look at her. "There is nothing going on with me and Harry."
"But there was at one point," I explained. "I just feel like I'm competing against him. I see the two of you interact and my mind automatically goes to a bad place."
Lynn brushed a strand of hair away from my forehead gently. "Ever since you told me that I reminded you of Alina, I can't help but think that I'm competing for you, too."
"You're nothing like Alina," I told her, squeezing her hand in assurance. "I knew her, her every emotion, her every movement - how to make her happy and the things that made her cry. I knew how to work her like a well-oiled machine. But with you, it's like a completely different experiment all together, and I don't have a clue where to begin looking. And that's a good thing. You keep me on my toes, Lynn. Always have."
The street light glowed harshly down on the two of us like a spotlight. I looked over at Lynn and saw her eyes sparkle, her face glowing from the soft hues through the window of the bar beside her. Her hair was up in a bun and was starting to fall out from a long night, the stray hairs tickling her cheeks.
"Do you still love her?" she asked in the silence.
"Lynn, she was my first love, but she's part of my past," I explained. "Don't you feel that from you're first love?"
She looked over at me, her eyes sad. "That's just it, Niall," she whispered. "You're my first love."
There would always be competition in our minds with the person we love, whether that struggle is legitimate or not. We will always have that self-doubt that either we're not good enough for them or there is someone better out there. But nothing is as competitive as fighting for someone who they loved before you. And I knew Lynn was feeling that then.
Alina may be gone, but that didn't change how I felt about her. There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice. And to Lynn, that didn't matter because she's only been in love with me, where I've been in this position before. She would always have that nagging thought in her head: I'm not good enough.
And maybe this wasn't the right way to show it, but it was the only thing I could do in that moment to show that Alina had nothing to do with this; with us.
I reached out with the hand that wasn't in hers and grabbed her chin, pulling her face toward mine. And without any caution, I placed my lips against hers, eyes shut and heart stuttering. Suddenly, breathing was of little consequence.
Then she was kissing me back as she had never kissed me before, and it was blissful oblivion; she was the only real thing in the world at that moment. My brain went into overdrive. This cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin sets off a cascade of neural impulses that bounce between my brain and tongue. It was a kiss to level mountains and shake stars from the sky. It was a kiss to make angels faint and demons weep... a passionate, demanding, soul-searing kiss that nearly knocked the earth off its axis.
I kissed her until she forgot how terrified she was of the possibility of anyone getting to my heart that wasn't her.